I think this just might be a winning attitude ...

Just throwing this out there...

When the BS discovers the affair

what if.......

the BS sees the affair as a declaration of WAR against the values of his/her marriage

going to war requires

preparation/planning
spying/intelligence
effective weapons/tools
guts/determination
energy
courage
nerves of steel


I donno .... what do you think?

if this "going to battle" is the BS attitude from the get-go

I think success is more likely

do you?

THE SPOUSE is NOT "the enemy"

neither is the OP the real enemy

the affair/infidelity is the REAL enemy

going for the throat of the affair ... attacking the affair .... using the knowledge of what the affair breathes ... and choking the affair off from that oxygen (secrecy) ....

I think this could ( should ? ) be viewed as going to WAR !!!!!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm waving the white flag. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

-AD

Good thoughts...I agree.

choose your options
determine your strategy
gather the necessary tools


Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Agree 100%! An affair is an act of war on a marriage and should be treated as such. And wars are won with a good, sound strategy, rather than with our natural reaction, which is usually extreme emotionalism.

That is where the folks on this board helped me the most. They helped me with a strategy to save my marriage when my emotions were telling me: "throw the bum out!"

I think that is how we best serve newcomers to this board, by helping them put aside emotions that lead them into a spiraling free fall and guide them instead to a sound strategy that serves to effectively win the war.

This is the analogy that MORTARMAN used with me from the beginning of his coaching with me. He brought this from his MILITARY INTELLIGENCE. I found it to be so helpful!!

I remember that, Mimi, and I thought it was an excellent coaching tool! Didn't having a strategy help calm you down immensely? I found the hardest part of all this was controlling my emotions and having a strategy helped me control my emotions.

can you tell I saw Star Wars last night?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Chances of success is lessened when:

you choose your spouse as the enemy

you choose OP as the enemy

you choose yourself as the enemy

that's my current line of thinking

Pep

I like that ~ current line of thinking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

edited to add: leave out current <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Pep,
you are spot on with this. It was exactly my thinking as soon as I first found evidence. I cant say it has done me much good so far, but I know that no matter how it turns out I will have the peace of mind of knowing I did everything in my power to save my marriage. While I will always miss my WW, as after 9 years there was soooo many good memories, I think the knowledge of fighting this war will enable me to move on and heal sooner than if I was some kind of whimpering whipped little puppy.
Friends keep telling me they cant believe how well I am handling this. Well, of course, being a man I dont let others see everything. But I am somewhat surprised myself. At d-day, the thoughts swirling round in my head were truly frightening as I think back on them.
Now if I can just limit myself on the amount of time I spend listening to Ray Wylie Hubbard's self-indulgent dark power ballads!




"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Pep:

Good points, good metaphor.

Hard part sometimes is knowing what the limits of "attacking the A" are, especially when some people - my W in particular - view my actions as attacking either HER or Rat Meat.

Intelligence is very helpful, though. For example, my W recently verified that RM is likely an alcoholic (drinks 2 much, lost his former job) and that he has low self-esteem.

One possibly effective strategy for me 2 employ would be 2 fire a warning shot across his bow ("advise" him that I can sue him in his state, and that I know a lawyer ther) as a 2nd confrontation letter. But that would definitely be perceived by him and my W as attacking him personally, not the affair.

So, I haven't done it and probably shouldn't. Right?

Besides, contact is no longer the problem, its the realization that I don't want 2 be married 2 her under the conditions that have prevailed over the past 2ple decades.

-ol' 2long

Thank you Pep! And Hello! Are there people out there who really don’t understand this? Think about it. Isn’t this preparation what MB is all about? Is this not what we are doing? Fashioning a strategy and learning how to implement that strategy?

This was one of the greatest lessons I took from the coaching provided me by SH. This ain’t about wishing…this is all about doing. What the BS needs to do is learn to be pragmatic. In every approach that he/she takes to this problem let cause and effect be your guide. There is literally no “wrong” thing to do when combating this evil. Maybe some action can be considered less right but essentially… Yes Pep, this is war!
Coach

Maybe love is the enemy.

That's my current line of thinking.

Probably not productive for anyone else, but I think that's the way I'm going to go.

"Love hurts,
love wounds
but even so,
I know a thing or two,
I learned from you.

I really learned alot,
really learned alot...

Love burns,
love is just a lie,
made to make me blue"


Am I self-absorbed or what? Blech! Back to the garden.

I like it Pepper! Especially identifying what the enemy is!

I allowed myself to be taken hostage. Great Escape coming soon <cue song>.

Hi, weaver.

Quote:
=================
Maybe love is the enemy.
=================

Not love, but the lack of understanding the 'choice' part of love.

It is a shame that people walk through their lives, led about by their emotions, never understanding the underlying mechanism at work.

It is a lack of real understanding (knowledge) that kills most relationships.

All the best,
Gimble

So the key, Gimble, would be to choose who you love wisely. Someone with some knowledge that love is a choice. That is if you do end up single again.

My mom used to say it is just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, as it is a poor man. (to me, because I always fell in love with the poorest of the poor)

I do agree Pep, with your philosophy that WS, OP should not be viewed as the enemy. Changing your perspective to that of a battle against the entity of infidelity would certainly help in keeping you from becomming the dreaded "psycho spouse" spitting, fuming and going no where except in circles.

Good thread Pep. We have had a similar discussion back in about 2001. You have brought out good strategic thinking.

We also discussed how the terrorist type attitude have similar traits with WS attitudes. It was a hard bit of reality for me to see but it also helped me in how I focused my time and energies. Also I was able to see how futile it was to keep trying to help 'educate a WS'. Just not possible. So instead I learned to work on me and in time I was able to RB my way out of the many traps set by the WS and OP.

Belive me, those WS and OPs spend a lot of time talking about the BS and family. Knowing this is power to the BS. So identifying your tools including knowledge like this is vital to incorporate in a good plan to help the BS and family take a stand against the A and it's supporters (WS/OW and A enablers).

Thanks for the thread Pep.

L.

But bear in mind, in war we follow the Geneva Convention.

There ARE things people of noble character do NOT do.

Pep, I totally agree. In addition to all the great things you said....

Maybe this attitude can help the BS understand that children must be defended and protected also...because it is a war and schrapnel can do horrible damage to innocent bystanders...I get very worried that the BS gets so caught up in their own pain and the drama, that the kids at best are neglected emotionally, or the BS caves to the child-harmful demands of the WS in attempt to appease the WS...or at the worse...used as pawns by both sides.

Its war on the family. Kids are included in the acceptable targets by the affair.

That analogy doesn't work for me Pep, maybe its a silverback thing.

Intangible enemies can't be fought. You need a person or a thing to shoot at that can be disabled or overpowered.

Infidelity is just a manifestation of a broken personality IMO. Better to consider it a disease, and 'fight' infidelity as if its a disease IMO, like medics 'fought' smallpox and won.

I like the attitude of agressivly repsonding to the A, but its too PC and unrealistic in my life.

I wanted to kill OM. To feel his old flesh yield to me.

THATS warfare but at the wrong enemy, I agree.


Here's apotentially stupid thing - I really DID and DO consider this a fight against evil. Almost spiritual warfare.

Undiluted evil attacked my life. My FAMILY'S life. I fought back with all the good tools I could muster.

Maybe there is a Star Wars analogy here after all ! LOL !