Don't should on yourself, Stid...and don't let anybody tell you what to do! (my strange since of humor)

I re-read your thread and realized I like the details and it doesn't appear you do. I want to know how it felt when he wrote you that he is willing to go back to OW if his marriage is done. Your marriage isn't done until the judge says, and he better have no contact with OW until that time. That's my opinion. Earlier in this thread you said:
"Come to find out H is afraid I'll make him leave forever and I'm afraid H will seek out OW." Seems like you both disclosed your biggest fears and he's playing on yours. Is that because you got so mad earlier this month at him that you played on his?

"So, today H agreed to work toward reconcilation and do what it takes to move toward being together. Neither of us want to be apart but we don't have the skills to live peaceably yet.
I love him. " Is this still true?

Do each of you say things in angry outbursts, knowing the soft underbelly where it hurts? The reason I ask? Well, you haven't said what's wrong...you try to reconcile and then don't, and it's not because he's continuing the affair, but because you can't live peaceably together. I don't know how that's not possible. You also said you can't take the move-in-move-out stuff, the multiple d-days. Yet, you say, you know they stopped. Why isn't he living at home? Have you POJA'd separate bank accounts, or how the finances could be managed in a way that satisfies you both?

My husband is a shopaholic. I believed our money was a symbol of our love--united we stand, divided we fall apart. I was wrong. He now gets what remains of his net after half of all the bills each month, which he deposits into a separate account. He has his own bills to pay out of that and I have my own--car, gifts, spending on myself. The rest is shared. It isn't perfect...we don't live in a community property state, but I could be held liable, possibly, for his debts. Splitting the accounts establishes our intent, though. Anyway, it's been great for helping me to respect him as a separate, adult person, and frees me of the worry that he'll spend us into poverty. Funny, but now he doesn't have the compulsion near as much.

It sounds as if you're so hurt, resentful and angry that your love bank really is bottomed out. Can you think of the good things he does, just a few? I realized that now my FWH answers questions, being careful to not fall into defensiveness, and that's a huge act of love for me. Hard to see, but it's there.

Sounds like I'm putting this all on you. I'm not. But you're the only person who can control you...and nobody else at all. Did you read the Plan A and follow it, like ML suggested?

How are you doing today? Just for right now?

LA

Hi,
I appreciate you helping me sort this out. Thinking clearly isn't possible right now.

I did not do that intentionally. H may have felt justified in what he is now doing if that is the case.

I will love him until I die.


I am just being factual with this next statement. H likes to manipulate and is verbally/emotionally abusive. H leaves not visible scars. We don't live together because when my head is spinning from this I do not function well. The finance are totally destroyed. Things hidden and never told to me. H hasn't financially supported this family for nearly a year except the 2 months when he moved me into a beautiful expensive apartment saying that would be his to pay for this last year and then moved out leaving me to cover the rest of the time. Breaking the contract was too expensive on top of the rest. H made comments often about the freedom he had to spend his money where he wanted. I would find trusting him about money impossible for a long time.


He is very good to his coworkers.
He treats our son well. He is a gifted speaker. He is a good counselor to others.

I am praying about the bitterness that I identified in me. It is now deep and God is helping me work on this. Forgiveness is sweet... I'll continue to pray. I'm in a Divorce (separation) Care group to help learn how to restore. The first night I attended was about the kids. I hope to not make every mistake in the book. I am doing a group for help based on the Purpose Driven Life info--it is very educational as well. Both were recommended by a wise counselor. I also went to a conference this year on "Every Heart Restored" for the wives of men who betray them. The problem may indeed be with me. The question is now, do I need to be apart to heal--we are apart but totally. Do I need to remove myself from him so he faces the reality of needing Jesus to be real, not just playing church. A person commited to Jesus does not say I'm mad at you, I'll go commit adultery. That is the threat I live with everyday and it is taking its toll.

I thot I was past Plan A from the start--that is why I was looking at plan B.

How am I doing? Now I am dry eyed. Scared to death. Needing to decide if I will go sign the papers. Trying to be wise. Just because they are ready doesn't mean I'll ever use them. I am not eating, not sleeping that great, and not thinking well about the sitch. I can work. I can put up a do able front there to some extent. When today is over and I have time to let go of all the stuffed emotions, I'm not sure.
I am broken.
Please pray.

Stid,

I've had you in my thoughts this past weekend as I went from one family commitment to another. My heart goes out to you, and I remember the not eating, sleeping and obsessively thinking about the situation myself. Been there, know it's tough. Nothing I can say will take that away today. Know that it stops, like a winding-down, and that you are doing all you can. Trying to be wise, having backup, functioning for a set, necessary time, and then feeling those emotions every day, in a safe place, you are doing really well. I cried at work for a few months, and everyone saw--heck, I answer phones! Still, work is where I went, my most automatic, and I still have a job (and one I can cry at).

You were looking at Plan B? Going dark? Not having any communication with your WH...until when? When he stops having an affair? You said he did that. When he stops threatening to go back to OW? When he starts meeting your EN for FS? When? I'm confused. Plan B comes after Plan A'ing to demonstrate all you've learned, how much better you can meet ENs, and that you want your spouse--to stop an affair, or as I did, after he stopped, to get our marriage where it hadn't been in a long time, rekindling our recovery. I swear, I'm still in Plan A! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You are living separate from your WH, usually part of Plan B, but he's threatening to go back to OW if you're done with him. My perspective is that you both want the other stop inflicting harm. If you feel anywhere inside yourself that Plan B is what you want to make him miss you, to change him, then you might be headed down the dark road I'm very familiar with. Two years ago, I wanted conversation, open and honesty from my H and I asked for it. When he didn't comply, I began the process of emotionally twisting his arm until it broke, and he had an affair. He now says, that he was so angry with me that it was either say how angry he was or leave. So he left.

I know you feel broken, lost, love bank-rupt, and are doing everything humanly possible to find your way out. I used to think that and especially about how my H wasn't/isn't doing a darn thing! And he didn't do any of this to get me back! Well, nix the exclamations from me...I'm still ashamed of my actions and now respect that my H is who he is and I am no judge of what he is or isn't doing.

{{{{hugs}}}}}}
LA

If that is what is going on with us, how do you stop that train?
I am sick and sicker at all of this. I know I am so at risk for doing something stupid. All I want is my H to love me...
and for actions and words to match.
I find it difficult to even know what step to take next and I have many choices coming at train wreck speed in the next few days.
I have no idea.

First, know that others have been on that train and come out the other side. There's hope, with time.

Sounds like that is what is most pressing you down, the speed of the relationship train is facing critical decisions too soon.

Early on, the book that enabled me to finally derail that train was "Dance of Anger." Reading MB Lovebusters at the same time, I stopped what I had been doing for 15 years as a way to stop inflicting harm on my H. I couldn't prevent him from harming me; that was never in my control. What I did do, and continue to do, is use the "I" statements for feelings and thoughts, and the xyz statements I described before.

Still, this takes time--time for him to trust the change in me, time for me to practice (it was very difficult for me), and time for him to feel safe in sharing himself with me. If I had filed for D or he had, I'm not sure we could get there. And that was still on the table when I changed our dance (can't tie that into your metaphor without mentioning SoulTrain). He had not decided to commit to our marriage...that was two months later; he had let me go in his heart and loved OW. This can be done. People can change. You just have to change yourself.

This isn't manipulation--stopping DJ's, OA's. This is the most decent way of life I know how to live. I use it at work, with my kids and friends. I use them when I pray. I want to be respectful to everyone, including myself. I went to Al-Anon, read "Surviving an Affair" and all the Howie Markman books on marital relationships.

You said, "If this is what we're doing"...only you can know. These books, these boards, help us to see our patterns, those subtle ones that are so destructive.

You say you will love him until you die...but you want him to put his actions where his lips are. Do that yourself. Be love. Be Corinthians 13. Release him to find his own way. No selfish demands--just a slow journey back to intimacy, human to human and heart to heart.

I've taken what you wrote before and made it into those "I" and "xyz" statements:

I am just being factual with this next statement. I believe H likes to manipulate and is verbally/emotionally abusive. I don't believe H feels my pain, nor do others see it, because H doesn't leaves not visible scars. I think we're not living together because of my choice. I do not feel I'm functioning well. My head is spinning. I resent, fear and am angry about our finances being destroyed. I feel vulnerable and ashamed finding out H hid things from me. I feel last place in his priorities. I do not respect or admire H for not financially supported our family. I feel he is not trustworthy, not safe. I feel unloved and unwanted when he breaks promises, small ones and really large ones, like the apartment. When H makes comments about the freedom he has to spend his money where he wants, I feel abandoned, excluded, alone, manipulated and left out. I feel that trusting him about money impossible for a long time. When H had his affair, I felt rejected, annihilated, disrespected and worthless."

Not sure I did a good job, but I hope it helps. This is where journaling comes in to usually save the day. Still following the "I" and "xyz" statements in your journal, you'll find what's underneath--why the words/deeds not matching up hurts so very much. You'll find the place where you are, were, and can be.

You want him to love you...define that. Give that action. For instance, you want what his love used to make you feel--special, most important in his life, part of a team, emotionally secure, valued, real, accepted, respected...is this what you are craving the most? Give that to yourself. Work out, fix healthy stuff to eat, pamper your hair, long baths, stroke your own face, and acknowledge/appreciate each tiny act of self-care. Purpose Driven Life...remember God loved you (and your WH) even before you were born. You are not defective, broken, or wrong. You are a mix of everything in the universe--light and dark. Embrace that beauty and know it's in everyone else, too. He made us human, with human limitations. We are not incapable. If we were, He would not have given us the choice to love him. He did. He respects us and wants to be chosen. We are like him.

Sorry for all the words...I use them like imaginary bandages and they are not effective this way. That's me. I accept that. I hope they show my most earnest concern and care for your life. You already know all of this inside of you. You're not crazy, dysfunctional or unable, Stid. Give yourself what you need most--a deep inhale, maybe a profound sigh, or a whimper.

Love comes back because it doesn't leave. It just gets buried under the pain, the anger, the fear, the history of what is marriage. And it's worth all of it. I got that when I realized that I couldn't replace my H with someone better. It's what WS come to realize, too. Different person, same problems. In new relationships, the problem already exists--we take us along, every time. God gave you your H for a reason; and you, him, for a purpose.

Your speeding train decisions--are they about stopping the pain? Standing up for yourself because you felt like a doormat, a wimp, a traitor to yourself? Are they in retaliation, then, for what he has done or what you did?

You are worth all the effort, time, attention and care in responding to your posts. You are valued, considered and cared about. That doesn't really change, it just stops being expressed sometimes. Perspective slips, bitterness begins, and that's the corrosion that makes adjusting your perspective harder.

LA

LA
You are amazingly accurate. It is going to take me a while to comprehend all of this. I will read the "Dance of Anger" book.
Thank you for this gift.
Stid.

Hi
I read the Dance with Anger book. It makes a lot of sense.
I find myself reacting like the book said...learning to do it differently isn't easy...
More stress and heartbreak in my life. I really didn't think it would be possible to have more...there is always room for more...
S

I'm so happy to see you back and so sorry for your stress and heartbreak. Full-hearted agreement that changing the dance is really tough, but luckily, it only takes one person to do that.

Has your WH been back in contact with OW? I'm still confused as to why he would say he needs to know if you're going to bail on the marriage so that he can go back to OW if there's no contact and the NC letter you think he sent to her was solid in his love for and his choice of you. How can he "go back" to OW unless she's been waiting for him? Believer and MelodyLane are expert at helping people with the steps to do for recovery if only we take them. ML's advice "I wonder if a better tactic would be to understand he is in withdrawal - since it is only 100 days since his last contact - and do your best, instead, to meet his needs? Do you know his top 3 emotional needs? What are his dreams for your marriage?"

This quote "H tends to become self centered and controling given any place in my life. H tends to smother me. Then we go into a very unhealthy dance. I would like us to break the cycle and move to a healthier M." brings to mind Pia Mellody's "Facing Love Addiction." I had to re-read your quote as "I think that H becomes self-centered and controlling when I give him a place in my life. I feel smothered." Love addicts most likely marry Avoidance addicts and their relationship is exactly a dance--I'm the LA and my FWH is the AA. However, when we both saw the pattern, finally (18 years together), and I stopped doing my pursue (his withdrawal) and then retreat (then he pursues) dance, he came to me and said, "I withdrew from you a few weeks ago and you haven't pursued or withdrawn and I don't know what to do or who I am anymore." Just like the patterns of our Lovebusters (Dance of Anger), so are all the other dances in our lives. I'm fighting hard not to withdraw, to stay present, to acknowledge he feels lost, that he's thinking out our patterns and to keep doing our communication exercises. The rest of the time, I'm just taking care of my self and not making it all about what he's doing or not doing. Making sure I consider, accept, and meet his ENs--honest affection, WOA, mutual Recreational companionship, and openness.

In MC, I also learned that I saw a paradox where there was none. My FWH said he's totally committed to recovering oour marriage but I doubt this because I see him fail at many promises--calling, replying to email, communicating and doing exercises...all the ways I feel connected to him. MC said he is a passive-aggressive...that he agrees to do something he does not want to do and then, surprise, doesn't do it. And I didn't think he was multi-tasking! Anyway, he felt he couldn't say no to reasonable expectations. I didn't make him feel that way, that comes from him. It's not about his commitment to the marriage but his own struggle with self-honesty and going against the "pleaser" in himself. He's working on it. In the meantime, I have no expectations beyond what he says yes to in the moment. I have faith in him to work this out for himself.

Originally, you stated this was an EA , but I didn't catch for how long or, when he lived with her, it was a PA as well? Duration is important to note, especially for withdrawal. Have you heard all the problems he had with your marriage pre-A?

Probably is just me, but you seem vague on the events and their details but startling forthcoming on your self-realizations…"sometimes I don't get things when I really just don't want to get it--too much truth in the info, too high cost emotionally etc. " How are you doing with this, and with your susceptibility to rejection you mention?

Did you sign the divorce papers? Are you still in the divorce recovery group? With you both living separately, I think it would be extremely difficult for your WH to account for his time sufficiently enough to build that trust you want so much. WH would have to agree to give you free reign to all cell phone records, the place he's living and his vehicle, I would guess. In your Plan B letter that you didn't give him (which I understand why you didn't because the affair had ended), you didn't require MC together. Have you reconsidered this? With someone who believes in the recovery of marriages? And it would be difficult to meet his ENs (I'm not surprised his are WOA and recreational companionship, but what about SF?) living separately--and that's both ways (his meeting yours).

Last task, if you have any energy or hope left in yourself--did you do a resentment history? It's like a timeline of your whole marriage and chronologically, you write out each incident that you resented. You really look at it, feel it and remember it. Then wait a few days and re-read it and write down what you realize about that list.

Thank you for coming back and posting. You were in our prayers the whole time.

LA
P.S. (Sure wish I could figure out this quote system, arrrghhh!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

LA--thanks for talking with me...
Originally, you stated this was an EA , but I didn't catch for how long or, when he lived with her, it was a PA as well? Duration is important to note, especially for withdrawal. Have you heard all the problems he had with your marriage pre-A?

I noticed in January 2004 the safety and protection that belonged to me and our girls had transferred to this woman and her 2 little boys. He even gave her my vehicle for several months... I didn't even think about an EA, I just thot he was once again going overboard in his pastoral role. Then in April the lady came and said they'd done something and she asked forgiveness...she burst into my house unannounced...like it was no big deal and had done it many times.... I work fulltime and she could have been there all day long, who knows. Then in July he told me he'd pay no more bills and was an angry man. When I asked him about us, he denied OW and just wanted a divorce. Then, with chairman of the board in our living room he confessed to the physical affair. He had told me I could keep it a secret until the big agendas at the church were done in October. NO WAY. I called the denomination boss that very day and do not regret for one second exposing the affair. H would have controlled the chairman of the board into silence. He moved in with her for 3 days in July, back home with me for a painful, abuse filled August and September and then on Oct 7 he moved in with her for less than a week. He came close to physical abuse toward me then. I left before the escalation peaked. When he moved out from OW the second time I didn't bring him home. The abuse was too severe. He intentionally ruined things and verbally was difficult. My emotions just couldn't deal with him. My self esteem has not recovered.
H likes things and all the things money can buy. Lots of boy toys...he'd forgotten you have to have time to play with your toys. Working in a regular job now all the toys sit in garages or storage units...he has to work and is tired. Like most of us are after working 40+ hours. I have for years...
Now, I am angry at him, God and myself. I feel rejected all over again. I know God loves me, but I am so angry with him now as well. I need to get my heart and head in the same place only I think I'm heading straight for a depression.

I am still in the Divorce Recovery group...the high spot of my week. This week the focus is on forgiveness. I have high expectations for this to be pivotal in my recovery process. I am praying to be willing to be willing to change. Now, I am like a brick wall and just barely cemented together.

I filed the divorce after a very painful letter from H. I did send him a letter and it received a sarcastic response. I've seen him at the courthouse and one brief phone conversation. I usually cry after being near/talking with him. So, I am in no contact exception being injury/illness requiring contact. (child with surgery, H injured at work..etc, child joining armed forces...).

I don't know if he sees and talks with the OW or not. Maybe she won't take him back either. Their honeymoon time is over. We have grandchildren the age of her boys.

That is a short/long version of where I am, I don't think I answered all your questions...I'll do more later.
Thank you for praying...God is faithful, even when I'm angry.
S

Part 2


I did send him a letter asking him to participate in a recovery and then we could consider dating and establishing a relationship again... We went to one of the best MC's in our area and he found something to dislike about the MC. So, we picked another MC and he extended to H the offer of being his accountability partner, H refused. One more try, H picked a pastor friend to do the counseling and I agreed. H only went once. I finished counseling and am in contact for updates with these 3 men by email or phone monthly. So, MC is not at present an option...
I am quite aware that EN are not being met on either side. I am surviving. I am not thriving. H asked me "what is it that needs fixed" in regards to counseling. "Whose recovery would it be"... I am not able to be emotionally abused by this man...I don't have the energy to keep the accuasations straight.



I am actually in the process now of beginning the resentment/anger history. I am also attending a class Wed on forgiveness with an expert on the subject. Pray for me, I know I could have so much more energy if it didn't all go to fighting for survival. If I could indeed truly forgive and give up the resentments. I could make a diffence in the future of this M. In my future as a person and a child of God. I'm just so very, very tired and numb. DD choice to join the marines adds a new dimension to the devastion of the whole sitch.
Trying to be still and know that He is God. I'm trying to quiet down and listen.
I think I cry even in my sleep. Life is empty.

My heart goes out to you, and yes, you're still in my prayers. I feel lost in answering you. I am empathetic, with my first born son in Afghanistan in the Army, to your devastation and stress. He was in Iraq in '03, too. That path I know, pretty well.

I hope Wed's forgiveness class is God answering your heart's prayer and that all you are doing does include that meditative time of stillness He needs to talk to you.

Wish I had more...

LA

LA
It is enuf that you listen. Your thots have challenged me to try and find the path God wants me to follow. I was so close to giving everything including God up...but then I read hope in what you write, so I kept on... I'm trying to focus on finding the path to forgiveness and becoming the women God intends. The best part of that is I'm ready for my H if he does a recovery and I'm ready for life if he choses not to pursue a recovery. It is the best since I won't lose! I'm ready to feel like I've done something right. I've had a long pity party...
You have offered me the words I needed--
Thank you for sharing your heart with me.
Maybe Thursday I'll have a God thing story...I wish...
S

I got a note from H today
" I am grateful for the good memories I had an opportunity to build with you. I love you." H


Where did that come from?????

What do I do with a lovely letter like that???

What is God thinking????

Anyone have any ideas????

I'm lost.

What is God thinking or your WH?

Were you assuming that he didn't want to try to reconcile anymore...or rebuild?

Before the A, did he often tell you he loved you or not? What I mean, is this a shock from your perspective or his character?

How did your forgiveness seminar go?

How often do you two talk...by phone, email or in person? Does the past tense of the note (for the gratitude) mean something to you?

I'm feeling drop-on-the-floor shock, not for you but for me. My FWH used to say he loved me maybe once a year, if that; I had a deep inner belief that if he had an A, he couldn't love me (or have loved me ever) or appreciate our 17 years together (all or nothing in my childish belief).javascript:void(0)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> So, I don't know how you feel or what his note means to you (I suspect "lovely letter" indicates you were greatly touched).

LA

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

HI
My H rarely if ever says I love you exception is in notes/cards with his signature. This is different. I so want him to want me. So, this confuses me. Is he seeking help? Is this just to see how I'll react?

I do not have contact with him.
I asked him to seek help and then we could start a relationship again...to my knowlege he hasnt chosen this. Because of his past any pastor would counsel him, all he'd have to do is call them. He knows lots and lots of em.

The forgiveness class finishes this week. I have lots of homework to get done before Wed evening. It is kinda like hearing how much Jesus loves you the first time...sounds too good to be true. The forgiveness Jesus will do in us and through us even with the struggles I have really forgiving his adultery is supposed to be incredible. So, I wait and prepare for the next step in the forgiveness process. One that isn't just saying "I forgive you..." I already did a bandaid type like that...it just slips off and I'm stuck doing it again. So, a deeper forgiveness that means nothing held against you forgiveness sounds peaceful.

I hope I can be obedient and do this.
S

I realized that you are the 3rd person that asked if I talked with him. Then I realized to get the info I needed to hear, I could talk to him.

OW still comes to see him. He said he doesn't want her to and she won't leave him alone. He says she believes it is God's will they be together.

He has not done anything for a recovery. He is willing to talk with the person I'm dealing with about forgiveness issues. So, it is really no change...he'll do what I ask, sitll has a mistress, says he loves me and only wants me, admits he is depressed.

I love him. I miss him. What a deal.
S

There is peace with forgiveness that I didn't understand. God blesses me because I chose to forgive. Awesome God

I'm glad you asked him. You weren't talking to him to spare your heart, your tears, is that right? Just a thought, but when you cry after contact with him, is it from pain? I cried a lot from feeling hurt when really, I was angry. Did he explain his note of gratitude? His goals, intentions or desires? You believe in actions more than words, you've said, so I wonder how many words you hear, or if you're hearing anything new.

"...he'll do what I ask..." caught me in the ribs. I take that to mean that he'll see the forgiveness person in your Divorce Recovery group? Why would you think he would do that, other than say he would? I'm confused--he hasn't met with a pastor, stayed with MC or anyone else you've required for reconciliation; and not have contact with OW. Why do you say "he'll do what I ask"? I'm curious because what this looks like to me is a passive-aggressive person and an enabler (which may just be because that's my situation!). I had to wake up to the fact that my husband would agree to anything and then not do it--because he didn't want to agree in the first place. He's a pleaser, he says. I felt really dumb realizing this after being with him, and his passive-aggression, for 18 years. It was my deep lack of respect for him that enabled him to lay blame on others and not face himself or me with honesty.

My DH's passive-aggression is part of a whole cycle he is caught up in, like an addictive one, that feeds him the sense he's taking care of himself with boundaries, self-protection and respect. Only he can face that cycle and stop it with self-honesty. Really tough for him. My part was to not ask for anything anymore, not monitor his past agreements for completion, and especially not as an estimate of his love for me. I get to say some affirming things, "I know you will handle that. You're good at that."

Would you say to your WH, "I know you'll take care of your depression, you were very supportive of others in theirs." "I know you to be a leader, a strong man in control of himself. If you don't want her to see you, I know you will stop her." For all the years you've been together, if you've been the doer, the caretaker and in charge in your home, and your H was outside your home, it's time to tie them into one package. We are who we are everywhere. Duality creates conflict and instability within ourselves.

Have you proceeded further in the divorce process? Have you set a time limit for your protection and the preservation of your love for him, for when he can decide to take his steps to recover? Can you continue with IC for yourself (more than monthly updates by email)? I'm concerned because I don't hear the self-search I did at the beginning of your posts. You're in a lot of cross-stress situations, externally and internally. I've always seen this in my life as God's "Huge Growth" time, when I haven't paid heed to his more subtle growth messages.

I didn't want to go on so long...but I have to say something about the emotional abuse. I abused my husband with SD, AO and DJ's (all over the place). His abuse was in the p/a cycle, cruel statements, and withdrawal. However, I found I depended on this abuse, these patterns, to assure myself I was getting the rejection I expected, the fulfillment of failure I just knew would happen, and the predictability that he would let me down at each new turn was sustaining me in being right. Now I don't want to be right--I want to be married, respectful, accepting, non-judgmental and still, be my whole human self in the process.

I don't ask anything of him, but what he says I hold him to because honesty is my boundary. What he does, he owns. And I treat myself the same way. Without all the noise and chaos of my patterns and his cycles, it's a quiet, intense present we're living in, and I make sure to hear all of his words and say most of mine.

I ask you often, how you feel, Stid--about his "lovely letter" and his betrayal, cake-eating, loss of loyalty and the image you had of your marriage before 2004. Forgive me if I am missing it. You answer in actions and perceptions, but how do you feel? You love him and miss him. He's a whole, non-defective human being that God made just as he wanted your H to be...and you, the same. Do you respect yourself that way? Accepting all parts of you, understanding each of them, and knowing yourself, loving God's creation?

That's my big challenge. Part of it is staying in tune with how I feel--really knowing the exact emotion and where it's coming from.

Part of forgivess is this separateness--knowing his choices are his and yours, yours. You have that wonderful feeling of release that floods us when Jesus gives that relief and knowledge. I get it. My heart still goes out to you, Stid.

LA

Hi LA,
I think the computer ate the reply I wrote yesterday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />
I'll try again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


The devastation I feel when I think about the loss of my H, my friend is vast. I hurt, I ache and I cry. I spent a lot of time even recently in denial. Surely H isn't seeing her, he loves me and has told me. Since I hadn't accepted the reality of H choice to keep us both, then it was another group of days grieving the loss of my M that will never again be what I had. The hope is that if H does change, it could be even better, like a M I cant even understand yet in a very good way. I worked thru the anger and denial and ow am moving on toward the rest of the grief process. I think at any point I could again revert back to either of these. Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

I have difficulty with respecting myself. I blame somehow me for his actions, I know that this isn't realistic since H is God's and is responsible for his own choices. I just am really struggling with issues of self respect and self care. I'm working on motivating myself to accept who I am. The woman God has made and loves. God knows me/loves me/wants to give me good gifts... I still remind myself every day God loves me. Is walking thru this with me and truly wants me to be still and know He is God. He has everything undercontrol. I can quit acting like everything is falling apart because He is here holding it all together. I need head and heart to agree and to have my actions reflect these thots. Struggling and being comforted by God. He has lots of resources to comfort with...
I'm working on changing me, that will take a while.
Thanks for asking the tough questions, I hadn't even considered much of what you asked...accountability is a good thing.
Your M sounds like it is now so very worth it...and so much better for both of you...what a dream come true...is my thot on that.
S

Hi
I am taking a quantum leap. I was behind an old man in the Fast Check out lane in Walmart...glad he only had 3 items...When the old man turned it was my H. My heart cried out in compassion for this man. I didn't recognize him at all before he turned. (ok I'd have avoided that aisle...)

We had dinner with our DD together. It was a quiet meal. Today our other DD is having us all over for lunch...she had asked if dad could come...it seems like the answer was yes before I even gave one. The compassion I feel toward him is vast. He has left his first love, Jesus and followed something else...even when he says he is right with the Lord he hates going to church....and fellowshiping with believers. My prayer now is that God not leave him alone day or night until he returns to his first love, Jesus. Then there can be hope for his future and mine with him.

God knows what He is doing. I just need patience and stillness in my soul. My soul cries out for my H. God can do anything, and He changed my heart from hate/bitterness to compassion. Awesome God.
S