Thanks everyone,

Smoking, Who Me....thats just the smoke from me chugging along...

LOL

Cindy is just to hard to figure out right now. She seems bent on leaving but wont do it in front of me and the kids. So now that the kids are in School she says she is waiting till they are in school and I am at work.

She tells me and the kids she does not need me and that she does not need OM...

She cliams she has not had any contact with om in over 6 months...I have my doubts but don't know if it's just me..

I take it she isn't seeing a counselor.

No..... Since we moved into the new house it's been everything but IC or MC. Cindy tells me she is sorry for having the Affair and then in the next breathe she tells me she was never happy in the first place.

It's like being handed a scoop of icecream without the cone and let me tell you , it gets pretty cold in your hand fast.

I don't think the kids will ever really understand the scope of what Cindy has done. Taryn ( Daughter 13 ) Feel like she is suffacting from what her mother has done. Last year her grades dropped from an A+ to a C average.

Ryan ( Son 10 ) Hates even being in the same room with his mother for to long. The kids all seem very clingy to me. They are always laughing and joking with me and yet with Cindy they are more or less polite.

The youngest ( Cody ) is my life line on most days. I look at him and feel like wow, How could she have done what she did to him, How could she leave him unattended in a car at 12:30 at night for 45 minutes to visit the Om.

I hope God either forgives her where I can't and Yet I hope he holds her accountable at his table rather then at mine.

I told Cindy that God gave his only Son for the sins of Humankind, What did she give up her son for and was it worth it?

As you can tell I highly doubt me and Cindy are in any kind of Recovery.

I don't even know where to begin in this healing process. I don't even know who I am any more.

I do know I love my kids thats a start.

I have tried talking to Cindy about everything and it goes in one ear and out the other.

The Sex is Horrible. It feels like she is not even there so the past couple times I have turned her down.

Mike, this is the same old story. Everything exactly the same.

Your children don't like her, you haven't forgiven her, she's never loved you, and the CPS order hangs over her. Boring!

Like a game of pool with crummy players (me for example) and a bad break. Nobody's willing to sacrifice a turn to knock that clump loose. They're afraid to give up a shot, and afraid of what might fall in the pocket if they hit that cluster.

Mike, has it really just been more of the same for all these months?

If it has, what brought you back?

Has something changed?

Are you getting impatient?

How do the kids know enough to mistrust their mother?

Ask Cindy if she'll post. What has she got to lose?

GC

Michael, I feel like we are missing a piece of the puzzle. I know you and the kids hurt but why is there not any forward progress? Why does she feel trapped?

Oooh, the agony! LOL J/K



Does this mean you have no clue about her EN's? You've said b4 that she rejects your attempts. How so?


Do you two discuss all of this in front of the children? It sounds like the kids are still healing from the hurt of it all. They're probably very leary of her right now. Unsure whether she's going to stay or not. If the FBS is leary, the kids definitely are. And of course, w/the tension all around, the kids pick up on that & are even more unsure of the situation.



It sounds like she's still waivering.



How do you two communicate? Is it filled w/LB's or do you two talk rationally?

What positive things do you see from her?

FF:

I'm not sure why Cindy feels Trapped. I can't really speak for her. I can only take a guess at it from some of her angry outburst's.

1) She feels having CPS over her head has ruined her. This I can understand but my hands are tied for now.

2) She never wanted this Marriage in the first place.

3) Feels I will never forgive the horrible things she has done.

4) Her family or I should say a good portion of them have stopped talking to her because of her A.

5) She is not working at the Daycare anymore Because A) I asked her to quit because it was the diving board of her contact with OM, B) she was now on the CPS blacklist which meant she can't work with Children anymore.

6) I still ( Beat On her ABout the A every angry chance I get ) I know, I know , I know


But most of you did not have a wife that was having two A's at the same time, One was EA and PA and the other was an EA with a kid 15 years younger then her.

Most of you if any of you did not have the OM throwing it in your face that he was tapping your wife and could take her away at a snap of his finger.

And none of you will ever truly understand my hurt, oh you understand your hurt but not mine.

I ask myself lately if this is really what I want. I want to get over it and move on , but there has been so many un-truths and lies and LB's that I sometimes wonder why I get up in the morning.

Some of you may even think, well at least your Wife is still in the home, But is she....I sometimes wonder if she is just surviving till she can run again...Or maybe worse..wait till she can get back in touch with OM.

Someone, anyone please outline for me what I can do to look at Cindy like I used to before the A and please tell me , How does one forgive? How do you stop yourself from dropping LB's and yet getting the answers you need without upsetting the WS...

Well first of all Michael, my WH was having two PA's at the same time so I do understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But Michael, right here, right now let's talk about YOU. What can YOU do to make you and your kids feel safe? What can you change in you to stop the LB's and DJ's? Michael someone here has to take the first step and since you are posting and Cindy is not let's work on you.

What you have here, Mike, is the closest thing you know to a group of people who all, to one degree or another, understand.

FF is right though. Since Cindy won't post...

Does Cindy know you mean to forgive her? Or don't you?

What I see is a family full of open wounds, and everybody turning it all inward, and nobody offering each other compassion.

What are you gonna change, Mike? Or are you content to carry on this way permanently?

GC

Oh and Mike, I bumped up Suzet's thread for BS'. Please read it.

Thank You FF

UPDATE:

Well I spent a week in Florida on the Companies Credit card and had a blast.. The Boss and his Family ( OWNER ) took me all over town. They even invited me and Cindy and the kids back in Dec so they can meet my kids. The owner of the company was so pleased on how I spoke of my family that he wants to meet them..I feel awesome...

Mike! I have wondered about you. How is recovery going? Does this mean you might move after all?

To All,

I hope all of you had a wonderful Holiday and I hope that all of you have a wonderful 2006.

Things on this home front are going great. Cindy and I are on a path to full recovery with very few bumps in the road these day's.

She wants to save the marriage and she even told me she loves me.

Well I miss all of you and will be on more often to help those I can, and those that want to be helped.

Michael!!! Congratulations on hanging in there so long. Kudos to you and Cindy.

Michael,

Something told me to log on here & check the GQII thread. Glad I did. You don't know how pleased I was to read this latest from you. Lost_boyz & I have been so concerned for you. LB thought he had seen you on you guys' game you play but when asked, the person said he wasn't you. I also had sent you an e-mail asking how things were & to update us, but I didn't get an answer so I just prayed for you & left it in God's hands for your M.

I rarely come on here anymore but I just wanted you to know that we have been thinking about you & you're still in our prayers. Now that you are starting the road to recovery, get ready for the ups & downs. When you see yourself hitting a snag, don't give up. It took you this long to get on a road you wanted, so it's all forward from this point. I'll be checking in on you if that's all right.

Just know that you still have us as friends if you ever need to talk or anything. Hope you haven't lost our i/m's or e-mail addresses. Mine is in my signature. I truly wish you guys the best for 2006. May it be a blessed new year for both of you. {{{Michael & Cindy}}}}

Schluter, I'm so glad to hear this. Boy oh boy. How is Cindy feeling nowadays, not about you, about herself I mean.

And tell me you've given up the gaspers. Those things'll kill you.

GC

As I light my smoke and drink my coffee and look over all of your words.

Thank you standing for your kind words. I will keep in touch. New email is mschluter@rochester.rr.com

Cindy is doing great Grey, She finds that life is full of wonders and yes she regrets everything she has done and yes she really wants to save the M. She told me at the mc session that all she really wanted was to feel needed and loved. and that i was not providing for her needs. Now I could have looked at this as a cop out but instead I looked at it from her standpoint.

If I was feeling neglected and not feeling loved and not being talked to and always fighting over stupid things. hmmm would I cheat? Maybe

So in her own words: I feel loved and better then ever.

Michael, getting over the idea of being cheated and emasculated... is that something that happened all at once, or do you think it was gradual? Was there a "tipping point" where you were suddenly less concerned for your damaged pride and more concerned for other people? Because it seems like that's what happened. You reached a point where your own ego-driven cares became less important.

Please stop me if I'm full o' crap.

It sounds like Cindy is doing okay, and that's such good news. I'm sorry I didn't send a card this year. Email your address again - I think I've lost it - and I'll send a New Year's card. Better 'n nothing, right?

GC

GreyCloud,

Your not full o' crap....

For me it was more of an awareness or an awakening of the sort. I found that being cheated on was not the end of the world but more like a Golden Ticket to the chocolate factory " Sorry Just saw the movie with the kids and could not resist "

But my point is still the same. Once I fully let go I found that I listened more with my Soul then with my Heart. The heart is a great tool to get you through life but it's the Soul that defines who you are.

I found that I needed to be more driven on the Soul and less with the Heart. Yeah I was hurt, Disgusted, Mad, Angry and maybe even a little pathetic. But then again who would not be when Cheated on.

What worked for me may not work for everyone but what I did was 1 very simple thing everyday and I mean everyday at the crack of Dawn and again before Bed.


1) before you have your coffee or anything in the am hours. Sit in the middle of the room in total silence with no sounds around you, just quiet. Think of small waves washing over your body and think of nothing else but those waves. and as each wave wasjes out let something hurtfull inside you out with it.

2) Stop and Breathe ( life is beautiful ) with or without your spouse.

3) Don't let the hurt ruin the Love, Don't let the OM, OW get you thinking less of yourself. And don't think less of them, It does take Two to Dance.

4) Believe

5) Trust ( IN YOU )

Well I don't know if this will help any of you but I hope so. I want all of you to find the peace I have, not only in myself but in my life and my Spouse.

I don't even look at Cindy as the Wayward Spouse or ex wayward Spouse.

What I do see her as is MY SPOUSE and my Partner and Friend

OH....


I don't have your email address Grey...Mine is mschluter@rochester.rr.com