as a married woman who is NOT cheating on her H this would have been my reaction to my H doing what you did ...

[color:"blue"]Wow, really, you checked my voice mail? Are you feeling like I might be doing something wrong behind your back? What can I do to show you that you have nothing to worry about?[/color]

See the difference between your W's response and an innocent-got-nothing-to-hide wife's response???

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Gramm, another thing you should remember, she does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. NO ONE DOES. Snooping is a perfectly legitimate activity when there is suspicion. She is not entitled to carry on affair behind your back. So, don't let her bully you into backing off.

Thanks for the encouragement.
It's not so simple. Right now, she wants to be separated. She says she in not "In Love" with me and possibly never was. Although we are still living in the same house(if not the same bed), She is thinking of trying to sell it, getting an apartment, get a new job, all kinds of stuff.
SO, although I have always trusted her throughout our regular marriage, she is looking at this Separation as a time to change the rules. As a man and wife we had no secrets or privacy, BUT as a SEPARATED couple, she feels entitled to all the privacy she needs to have her friends support her. I'm fine with her friends supporting her, but that probably won't do any good either. They'll probably just tell her what she wants to hear.

Last night, I asked her that we dont see other people until our divorce is final (or we reconsile). She freaked out saying that was an unreasonable request. (It might have been.) She is going for that "If you love me set me free" mentality.

So, even if I could catch her "red handed" cheating with someone else, she would probably still think that we are separated and that it is OK!

"She is going for that "If you love me set me free" mentality."

NO she isn't. She is in the I am having an A (an emotional drug) and it makes me feel like a million bucks and you can't take my drug away mentality.

Believe me, if you catch her and expose her--the picture will look a lot different to her.

Just avoid all R talk. And by all means Don't leave! Think--fight for marriage, lay low, build a case and expose. Fight for M, lay low, build a case and expose.

Your daughter's family needs you now more than ever!

Good luck.

Gramn:

What your wife is saying is all part of the WS script especially since it is all coming out into the open. Most of our WSes said the exact same words about not being in love, etc.

Gramn, you do not have to help her out with this. BE A SOLDIER! FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!

If she wants to move out, fine. You do not have to agree to this.

Why are you still out of the bedroom? It's OK to move back in there.....

YOU ARE NOT SEPARATED! Tell her that YOU want to work on your marriage and are not agreeable to a SEPARATION. If she wants to SEPARATE, that will be HER CHOICE.

AHA! You have not caught her "red-handed" YET! That's what she's afraid of and wants to prevent. She is trying to convince you beforehand that what she is doing is OK because you two are separated, she never loved you, etc.! Don't buy this......

What she is doing is wrong and unacceptable in a marriage.....

Stay calm and collected. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair ASAP or read what you can about INFIDELITY on this site.... Stay vigilant and know that YOU are in the RIGHT.....

gramm, let her know that the rules have not changed. You are still married. You are not "seperated." Many WS use this ruse to justify the unjustifiable. So let her know that the rules have not changed at all, you are still married and you expect her to act as such. Carrying on an open affair frm the comfort of your home won't work.

So, no, your situation is not different from any of the FOGBABBLE we hear around here all the time.

The answer to your problem is to keep snooping, find out the truth, and the EXPOSE HER.


Tell her the door is wide open and there is nothing stopping from from "being free." But until then, she is your wife and you expect her to act like one. Don't fall for this nonsense, Gramm. This is not even creative bull crap! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mel said:



YEP!!! I LOVE THIS STATEMENT!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hehee

See, gramm, we hear this bull crap on here every week and it is always the same old crap. In your case, your W is having an affair but feels she is entitled to it somehow by announcing she is "seperated." ["seperated" meaning she kicked you out of your OWN bed]

When, in fact, nothing has changed at all. She is still married, still living under your roof except doesn't want to be bothered while she runs around like an alley cat in heat. She simply wants to carry on like a single woman except with none of the INCONVENIENCES of a single woman's life! She wants to carry on this way frm the comfort of her home and insists that you shut up about it.

Now, doesn't that sound a little nutty? Why in the world would a sane person tolerate that?

MEL:

You are too much today! You are so "on top of this"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hope you are listening, GRAMN.

This is GREAT STUFF.....

of course I'm listening...

Here are their latest emails...

She mentioned to me in passing that Y Guy is on vacation.
-------------------------------------------
From: Y Guy
Hey,
Just a quick note to let you know I am thinking about you. You sounded pretty bummed out this morning when we talked, I hope you are doing better. Rough day today - 90 degrees and sunny, lots of reading and Jimmy Buffet by the pool. The only thing missing is you
-------------------------
From: Wife
Sent: Fri 5/27/2005 12:14 PM
To: Y Guy
Subject: Re: Bye

It's gonna be hard not to think of you often, considering I never stop thinking about you in the first place.
But just in case, I hope you think of me often too.

-------------------------
Y Guy wrote:

Have a good time while I am gone, think of me often! I’ll see you bright and early Monday morning.

-Name Changed---

So you know Y GUY's name?

Gramm, whatever you do, please don't twist off at the first really racy email and confront her, ok? Please promise you will come here first and let us strategize with you before you ever confront her, ok?

I'm trying to be patient, but I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. It's not necessarilly likely that I'll find an email saying "That was sure fun screwing you last night"...

What would be my "GO" sign? What am I hoping to find?

This is so wierd for me. Wife and I calmly talked for a while tongiht about everything. She is apparently a good liar. I practically believe her evert time we talk, but then I read some of these messages...
Tonight she apparently deleted all of their correspondence. I'm glad I copied them all...

Gramn,

I'm with Melody on this one chere....don't get hot headed and self destruct. Please stop and THINK....then come here for some advice before confronting her. How you do it...is as important as when you do it. As far as what your "go" sign is....only you know how much it will take to convince you. There is no question that the relatioship is inappropriate....the emails you have prove that. However, if you need more proof of deeper inappropriateness...and irrefutable proof....emails will probably not do it. Depending on the person....some folks need a PI, need to catch them in the act, etc. My guess is that the time will come soon when they will plan to meet.

I'm waiting and waiting...

I think I've got more than enough proof here, but I don't think it will be compelling enough for her...

Gramn, what would it hurt to wait a few more days and see what they talk about? I think they are having a full blown affair, but those emails only indicate a minor flirtation. Why can't you wait a few more days and see if you can glean some info about a meeting, etc? Remember, this is the evidence you need to convince the OM wife that her H is having an affair.

And you don't have to "compel" her. You don't need her agreement to know something is true. When you confront her, you don't have to ask her if its true, you simply tell her you know its true. See what I mean? It doesn't matter at this point if she admits it.

Gramn:

Remember that this is not really your W right now. Think of her as having been captured by alien forces. She is under the influence of the A drug. She is not herself and she is not rational.

She will lie and she will be deceitful. It sounds like she has mastered this as is true for WSes as the other poster stated. She is working towards maintaining her high, her fix with the OM. In her fogginess, that's all that matters to her right now.

You are the one who has A PLAN and you are the one who is rational and psychologically healthy. Your aim is to maintain your marriage and family. Her goal, along with the Y guy, is to destroy this unit. You are in a battle against this. It is important to be strategic.

Also remember the likelihood is low that she will admit to having an A. Like Mel says, YOU will have to state it as being fact.

Hang in there. You can do this!

I'm continuing to wait, it's just hard to know for what.

About the other Guy's wife: How should I contact her? I know her phone number and first name from the web's phone book listings, but I don't know when she is home. I don't want to call and get the other guy to answer, and I don't know when he is there either. Heck, I don't even know for sure that they are still together. The phone listings could be out of date! (But I think they are still together)

Gramn:

This gives you something to do. Research the status of his relationship with his wife, where he lives, where she works, etc.. Get as much information as you can.....

Knowledge is power...