Okay...so the next round begins. She is going to find a new way in order to be with OM. That is by filing, getting custody, and getting you to pay for her to live. That way, she can have the support and see Y-Guy without you in the way. My wife did the same. After first reconciliation, she left and tried to take kids. Moved into her own townhouse. Filed for divorce. Thought everythng was going to go her way (she said right before the custody hearing that she was under "no illusion" that I was going to get custody...I got custody). That process broke the final straw of her wanting to run. She lost custody of her kids AND was stuck with a big townhouse AND stuck with $1000 a month in child support. The chickens had come home to roost. So, get your stuff together. The next thing I would look for is that class I told you about (mine was run by the County and was titled "Living Apart, Parenting Together."). Take the class. It will look good to the judge that yo uare being proactive.

Refuse to discuss anything related to divorce with your wife. And conversations with her should be on script.

I know this. My wife's escapades probably cost us somewhere in the neighborhood of $50,000 in lost wages, attorney's fees, runnign separate households, etc. It is awefully expensive. But, war always is. You didnt ask for this war. But you are now in it. So, time to use all of your resources in order to win. There is always tomorrow to make more money.

Good. She will make mistakes. She will not tell her attorney everything and your attorney will blindside them (her attorney will hate that...just as my wife's attorney did). She is on script, Gramn. It will take time. Let this play out. Stand tough, no negotiations. Stand for your marriage.

We know. And this is the place to vent. So please feel free to do so. And we will respond and give you the atta-boy or 2x4 that you need.

The next phase begins. Keep up the good work and lean forward in the foxhole.

In His arms.

Might be a real eye-opener for her! If she even tells 1/2 of the truth, she might get a glimpse of what it looks like on the "other side". I expect she may get a closer look at the reality of what a divorce means, and you, Gramn, might start to look just a little better to her today!

SD

I was looking into those parenting classes, but didn't find anything except court ordered classes that can be taken over the internet. Does anyone know about "single parenting" classes in Ohio? I'll take one...

Gramn...I'm only weighing into back up MM's war theory. War is expensive...even if you "surrender" like I did (I finally just signed the damn divorce papers)...and about $50,000 later I live my XW and my boys. I know you're anxious but your progress is going just fine.

Call any Child and Family service agency in your county and ask them to help you out with the class..This is the most important time in your life to keep your eye on the ball...all while you're getting shot at from different directions....

Thanks "Send Me"

Tonight Wife told me that she filed the papers and I should get them friday, or monday.

What she says that she is asking for:

Sole residence in our house
Temporary Primary Custody of our Daughter
"normal" visitation rights.

Gramn,

Listen up - when you get served, you go to your attorney as soon as he/she can see you. You counterfile for the exact same things for which she is asking:

1. The residence and
2. Primary custody of your daughter (notice I did NOT say temporary.
3. If you can afford it, line up an in-home daycare provider - nanny if you will. You don't have to get it started now - just have it in your pocket to show the judge you are very much able to provide for your daughter. If you cannot afford it, line up the best daycare you can find. I'm sure your wife hasn't thought of that yet and has yet to realize that she will actually have to get a job because one cannot live on child support, alone.

DO THIS IMMEDIATELY. You need to protect yourself in this regard. MortarMan is your role model to follow on this one. Do everything he has told you to do. You may not end up divorced because your WW may be rudely awakened to the fact that she may not be in the home to mother your daughter. If you do end up divorced and are not awarded primary custody of your daughter, you will be able to look at the man in the mirror everyday and know that he fought like the dickens to save his family.

Now, I must run as my XH is on a plane to our city from where he lives overseas to have a week with DS - and, yes, me.

Regards,

BB

Listen to Brit's Brat. She is an expert (attorney).

Believe the papers when you have them in your hand. This may be just more posturing.

Don't back down.

Well, didnt I tell you? She wants you out and wants you to pay for it...so she can save the relationship with Y-Guy. Time to fight for it, Gramn.

So, what are you going to ask for in your counter filing?

In His arms.

That is a good question, but I guess I have to wait unit I see her actual fileing before I know for sure. Wife says that she is going to search for apartments AGAIN today, so she must not be sold on this "live in the house" plan. She probably realizes that we don't have money for 2 places, and she is not working very much. (She earns $150 in a really good week)

Assuming what she claims about her filing is true, I'll ask for the about the same terms that she is.

Trying to take our daughter and home! URGH!!

Gramn - Protect yourself and your family. Then we will see how far this will go. It may be just the final death throes of the affair.

Just from a female perspective, if I was in her shoes and really wanted to be on my own, I would be looking for a job. But time will tell. Hang in there.

She had been looking for a job, but I don't know if she still is. And she got one (sort of)...She will be teaching full time, for 15$ per hr. at a local private school. That is a decent salary, until you factor in that it doesn't start until SEPTEMBER and that it's only 3 days a week... So, for now, that job means nothing.

Something else to think about...
She is saying that her lawyers plan to freeze our credit cards. This is interesting, because it would sort of hurt/help both of us, right?

I know she plans to spend (waste) her 401k money, but that won't last very long if she is using it for housing or whatever.

On the other hand, I'm not sure that I can afford the added cost of daycare on my salary, and pay for the house, car, bills etc... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I have a slightly bigger 401k than she does, but I'd rather not use it. Whether I am married or divorced, I'm going to need that money when I'm old...

I might be able to get a loan from my parents, but so might she...

If you get the papers, you might want to sit down with her and work out a budget for 2 residences. That way she can figure out how much she will need to make to survive. Her September job will buy gas to get to work, and some childcare for your daughter, but not much else.

So she filed for the home but is looking for an apartment. HHhmmmmm?!?!?! My bull crap meter is starting to ring. She may be telling the truth...and you might be right about her wanting something cheaper. But I doubt it. Why? Because WSs arent worried about BSs and whether they can afford stuff. They are only worried about getting what they want. So, we will see on this one.

You need a plan for having your daughter. And you need it now. That is mission number one. I believe that the person that shows that they should have custody, will also be the one that gets the residence.

You have work to do. Dont wait on the court to show up with the paperwork before you get started.

In His arms.

Just lost my post...argh.

Gramn, first get a new cc in your name alone. It is appropriate at least in my state that they can freeze your joint accounts. Once you are considered separated then you don't want more joint debt. Make sure they don't freeze your checking or savings as well. You may want to make sure you have a separate checking account.

Why is she using her 401k? She will have to pay steep penalties for using that money and it will affect your taxes as well if you file jointly. Please consult a tax attorney to see how this affects you. Can she borrow against it instead?

Besides working on care for your daughter, this is the other big area that you must concentrate on...finances. Your wife does not have the ability to keep up with you financially. You can use that. So, make sure all of your money is now going into an account that she cannot get to. make sure she can do no financial damage to you, by running up debt or whatever.

Start thinking about ways that you can put more financial pressure on her. Are there things that are just hers that you make payments on? It might be good to stop doing so, IF she has filed. I mean, if she wants a divorce...then she should get used to supporting herself.

So, brainstorm this. Even though the affair is in its death throes, she is still in the fog and much more pain must come her way until she pulls her outer brain casing out of her waste disposal unit.

In His arms.

Gramn..

I will tell you from experience that you MUST NOT Wait for her to file before you protect yourself and your daughter. I trusted my XW to do the right thing and I was wrong...In NY state all she had to do was file papers indicating "she was afraid of me and my reaction to her divorce filings, she feared for the safety of my children living with me because of her filing. She also stated that I was a former US Marine and that police officers were no match for what they taught me. I came home from work with 5 deputies serving me with an order of protection and divorce papers she got temporary custody and exclusive rights to marital residence. In her divorce papers she demanded $400 a week child support, the house, alimony, et. al. She makes $40k more a year than I did!!! I had 30 minutes to get my stuff and get out. I could defend myself in court 5 days later....end of discussion! In my case she ended up out on her [censored] ( I got the house back she had no basis for order of protection) but I did not have custody of my boys and I had 75 days to find a new home...I had to REACT!! She would not agree to anything unless an order of protection existed...BECAUSE SHE DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME!!!

YOU MUST BE PROACTIVE....get all of your documents in order. Be prepared to counter file immediately. If you do not a judge only sees her side of it and you're SCREWED if that happens, trust me.

Will you rmarriage be saved? I do not know but being complacent can and will cost you dearly. It is damn near impossible to get custody once it has been granted to her...it's not worth the fight.

I am a CPA...cancel all credit cards NOW...that are joint...when they say that they need her authorization tell them "We're in the process of a divorce" and they'll shut it down right then. Banks learned quite a while ago that they need to do that or you can sue them. Also do it in writing. Don't pay for her crap too!!! Joint checking and savings? Close them..take all the cash if she has not already...my XW did...if you leave anything joint open you are liable REAGRDLESS of any agreement after the fact (your divorce says she has to pay xxx, she doesn't, bank doesn't care they come after you, your only remedy? Sue WW!!).

I hope this helps....good luck in the good fight

Gramn,

I am a success study in being proactive and taking the fight to the enemy (instead of reacting). Are you listening to the other side? Listening to Send Me? He is telling you the truth. You have the power right now, but it can and will be taken away in a second if you dont press the fight.

You might think that by doing so that it will hurt chances for you and your wife. It wont. Actually by boxing her in, and making it extremely painful for her to continue running, you will actually help your marriage!!

So, run to your bank, run to your attorney, and run to daycare providers and have a complete plan for what your daughter will do with you as her caregiver. That plan should account for every hour of the day.

Got to get moving Gramn.

In His arms.

Gramn,

My spidey senses are telling me something's not right here and I am beginning to wonder whether you WW really has filed. I say this first, because if she only met with the lawyer, yesterday, there is no way they also filed, yesterday. It takes time to prepare a Complaint/Petition. Even though they are pretty much pro forma, you have to fill in all the blanks with the parties' information and review it. You have to have a certified copy of your marriage license (not the one you get when you get married but one that has the return filing of the person who married you along with the Clerk of Courts seal. Also, before most attorneys actually filed, they would want their client to review the pleading before it is filed to make certain it is accurate.

The second thing that has my spidey senses tingling is, even assuming that they did file yesterday, it is VERY doubtful they would attempt to serve you today or tomorrow - that's only 2 days...Just to give you some idea, here are the Ohio Rules of Civil Procedure regarding Service of Process...you will find that each involves actions by one or more of the following: the Clerk of Courts, County Sheriff, and/or process server. This takes more than a day.

RULE 4.1 Process: Methods of Service
All methods of service within this state, except service by publication as provided in Civ. R. 4.4(A), are described in this rule. Methods of out-of-state service and for service in a foreign country are described in Civ. R. 4.3 and 4.5.

(A) Service by certified or express mail. Evidenced by return receipt signed by any person, service of any process shall be by certified or express mail unless otherwise permitted by these rules. The clerk shall place a copy of the process and complaint or other document to be served in an envelope. The clerk shall address the envelope to the person to be served at the address set forth in the caption or at the address set forth in written instructions furnished to the clerk with instructions to forward. The clerk shall affix adequate postage and place the sealed envelope in the United States mail as certified or express mail return receipt requested with instructions to the delivering postal employee to show to whom delivered, date of delivery, and address where delivered.

The clerk shall forthwith enter the fact of mailing on the appearance docket and make a similar entry when the return receipt is received. If the envelope is returned with an endorsement showing failure of delivery, the clerk shall forthwith notify, by mail, the attorney of record or, if there is no attorney of record, the party at whose instance process was issued and enter the fact of notification on the appearance docket. The clerk shall file the return receipt or returned envelope in the records of the action.

All postage shall be charged to costs. If the parties to be served by certified or express mail are numerous and the clerk determines there is insufficient security for costs, the clerk may require the party requesting service to advance an amount estimated by the clerk to be sufficient to pay the postage.

(B) Personal service. When the plaintiff files a written request with the clerk for personal service, service of process shall be made by that method.

When process issued from the Supreme Court, a court of appeals, a court of common pleas, or a county court is to be served personally, the clerk of the court shall deliver the process and sufficient copies of the process and complaint, or other document to be served, to the sheriff of the county in which the party to be served resides or may be found. When process issues from the municipal court, delivery shall be to the bailiff of the court for service on all defendants who reside or may be found within the county or counties in which that court has territorial jurisdiction and to the sheriff of any other county in this state for service upon a defendant who resides in or may be found in that other county. In the alternative, process issuing from any of these courts may be delivered by the clerk to any person not less than eighteen years of age, who is not a party and who has been designated by order of the court to make service of process. The person serving process shall locate the person to be served and shall tender a copy of the process and accompanying documents to the person to be served. When the copy of the process has been served, the person serving process shall endorse that fact on the process and return it to the clerk, who shall make the appropriate entry on the appearance docket.

When the person serving process is unable to serve a copy of the process within twenty-eight days, the person shall endorse that fact and the reasons therefor on the process and return the process and copies to the clerk who shall make the appropriate entry on the appearance docket. In the event of failure of service, the clerk shall follow the notification procedure set forth in division (A) of this rule. Failure to make service within the twenty-eight day period and failure to make proof of service do not affect the validity of the service.

(C) Residence service. When the plaintiff files a written request with the clerk for residence service, service of process shall be made by that method.

Residence service shall be effected by leaving a copy of the process and the complaint, or other document to be served, at the usual place of residence of the person to be served with some person of suitable age and discretion then residing therein. The clerk of the court shall issue the process, and the process server shall return it, in the same manner as prescribed in division (B) of this rule. When the person serving process is unable to serve a copy of the process within twenty-eight days, the person shall endorse that fact and the reasons therefor on the process, and return the process and copies to the clerk, who shall make the appropriate entry on the appearance docket. In the event of failure of service, the clerk shall follow the notification procedure set forth in division (A) of this rule. Failure to make service within the twenty-eight-day period and failure to make proof of service do not affect the validity of service.

I think you WW is pulling something but I'm not sure what...be on your guard and, in the event you are served, follow my previous advice by getting with you attorney ASAP (do not pass go, do not collect $200).

Another reason this all has my spidey senses tingling is that lawyers cost money. Where did you WW get money for a retainer? Most that I know who practice Family Law in Ohio (isn't that ironic - they call it "Family" Law?) want a retainer that is based upon the complexity of the case. Although I now live in Texas, my attorney wanted a $2000 retainer and he made VERY clear that it was a professional courtesy. One friend of mine who used the same attorney was charged a $10000 retainer. I realize she has some type of 401k, but there are only two options for getting money out of a 401k. The first is a loan, the amount of which is limited to 1/2 of the total value of the account (and some plans don't even allow for loans) or $50000 minus the total of the highest outstanding loan balances over the last 360 days, whichever is less. The only other option is a complete or partial withdrawal, both of which have VERY high penalties.

Something isn't right here. I would strongly suggest that, while you are out and about today lining up a nanny and or daycare provider for your daughter, that you stop into the County Clerk of Courts Office (or make a call to them) to inquire whether (and use these exact words) they have a cause of action for Divorce captioned Gramn's WW v. Gramn or In re Marriage of Gramn's WW and Gramn.

Regards,

BB

I've already inquired about this with my Lawyer. She can use her 401k, but the pre-use account balance will still be considered Marital Assets. For instance, if she uses $100 now, and the divorce ends up saying that we both get $200 when the divorce is final, she will end up getting $100 and I would get $200, because she already spent $100 of "her" money.