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Gramn: I'm so sorry you have to go through this crap. Unfortunately, though, PLAN A is not the time to be thinking about the ENs that she did not meet. That comes during Recovery when and if she makes a decision to recommit to your M. That has not happened yet. Sorry. She continues to pine over the Y-Guy at this point. I try to give her attention, maybe that is an issue. I can try harder, but it seems fruitless Try harder...it is not fruitless... How can we build or work on a relationship if she has all of her exercise/fun while I am at work? Didn't you mention that she wanted you to watch TV with her? About the EN, I think that they are important, but if she pressures me on EVERY ONE, I have no idea which ones to concentrate on. If she really expects me to provide maximum dedication to ALL POSSIBLE EN, then I am sure to fail. Come on, Gramn...FOCUS on her PRIMARY NEEDS without her having to ask you!!! That's called courting your wife, being romantic..... I would think that you know her better than this. You don't feel that you know her wants and needs unless she tells you? I said the same thing to Steve Harley in my counseling with him and he asked me if my H had to tell me what he wanted when we were dating? Our spouses want the love life to continue. If you are anything like me, you became too rapped up in your profession and your role as a DADDY. The marital relationship has to be primary. That enriches the other parts of our lives.
Last edited by mimi1254; 07/08/05 12:53 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I would also keep in mind something REAL IMPORTANT, Gramm: women do not respect men they can run over. And we do not love men we don't respect. Men strangely think that complying with a woman's selfish demands will earn them more love, but it doesn't. It simply earns them disrespect and disgust. Just keep that in mind the next time she tries to bully you with her selfish demands. That is a lesson that I need to learn... What did you say to her when she said this? Does she really believe that having an affair is not her husband's life? hehee I think I just ignored her. Almost any comments I make in response to her crazy statements would be true, but wouldn't help anything. Didn't you mention that she wanted you to watch TV with her? Sure, we watched lots of TV together!... but I'm sure that did nothing to help our marriage. If you are anything like me, you became too rapped up in your profession and your role as a DADDY. The marital relationship has to be primary. That enriches the other parts of our lives. I know this now, and I've known it for a long time. But I can't seem to get it right. She used to want to do activities with me, talk to me, etc. I can't MAKE her do those things...
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Gramn: You said: Sure, we watched lots of TV together!... but I'm sure that did nothing to help our marriage I'm not so sure about this. Lots of ATTENTION and AFFECTION goes on during TV watching. It's one of my H's favorite things for me to do with him. I used to use his TV watching time as busy time. I've learned that he wanted me sitting with him, next to him. Sometimes now he reaches out and hugs me while we watch TV now. I would bet a million dollars that him and FOW used to watch a lot of TV. YUK!!! You said: She used to want to do activities with me, talk to me, etc. I can't MAKE her do those things... Now, unfortunately, it will be one-sided with you doing all the work. This is the case while she is in withdrawal. In reality, you lost your W, GRAMN. For a while, she was captured by aliens. Once out of the fog, she will return. Just like my H above. He acted exactly like your WW. Notice what he's like now.....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Gramn,
Part of the problem is you keep dwelling on your own needs. Used to this with me used to do that. As odd and wrong as it feels you need to put yourself on the backburner. You will never get your needs met unless you put hers first.
I will get slammed for this but women NEVER come out and tell you what they really need. You should just know. It is frustrating as hell. If you stand up to them you are an ogre if you cave in your a whimp. It is like the impossible question..."do these jeans make me look fat". There is no answer to that which will save you.
Your gonna get the Jekyl and Hyde deal for a while. Yelling one minue apologies the next. She is at the point you were about a month ago. Rock bottom. Her visions of this new life are gone and reality has set in. She knows she hurt a lot of people BUT what happened to her dream.
Give it time and include her where you can and just present the best face. Just be there for her to yell at cry to. Dont take blame for the A but let her know you are still there for her by your actions not words.
BS 35
WW 34
C 2g 2 and 7
D Day 8/15/04
NC 9/22/04
The name says it all
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It is like the impossible question..."do these jeans make me look fat". There is no answer to that which will save you. hahahahaaaa! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! fg, there IS an answer to that question that will save you: NO! No matter if she is 1000 pounds, she does NOT look fat in those jeans! lol
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is like the impossible question..."do these jeans make me look fat". There is no answer to that which will save you. hahahahaaaa! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! fg, there IS an answer to that question that will save you: NO! No matter if she is 1000 pounds, she does NOT look fat in those jeans! lol It's the butt that makes you look fat, not the jeans! Oops! I'll shut up now!
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Gramn, Read the section "A Man's House" from this article http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html and see how it relates to your situation. I just read it last night, opened my eyes to something I never really thought about. Keep up the good work.
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Gramn-
We're in the same boat baby...well not exactly, since OM ditched your WW.
My husband has also filed on me.....haven't been served as of yet....but I'm sure it's forthcoming.
He's being a so mean, it's unreal, I guess he feels the need to emotionally detach from me now.
But I'll still be there, and I'll still be trying.
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Gramn,
I wish I was where you are now - with your WS's A in tatters. My WH and the OW are stuck together like two limpets!
I think you're doing great. Keep being a hero for your family.
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Yeah....*A* in tatters would be nice....I don't know the status of the *A* actually.....no clue what's going on in that department.
*sigh*
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Hang in there Caren & Alphin! Is there any more exposure you could try to do?
I think I've read that article, but I'll check it out again.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Hey Gramn - How are things going with you?
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Daughter is staying with me tonight at home. Tomorrow I'll take her to see her grandparents.
Today, wife was in a pretty bad mood, still blaming me for everything. (I hope she gets over this SOMEDAY!)
Wife went out tonight with a couple friends to console her. I hope these friends don't give her crappy advice. They are both married, but one of them is in an affair-based marriage.
I don't know if she's had any contact with OM, but I think not.
--------------------------
On another topic, I think a few days away from home has screwed up my daughter's sleeping habits! Wife didn't give her a nap until 2:30 and then let her nap until 5 today! So of course, she is not at all tired at her bedtime. In addition, Wife has apparently been sleeping with Daughter in her bed all week, so now daughter doesn't want to sleep in her own bed, she wants to sleep with me! I finally did get her to sleep in her own bed, but normally, this would not have been a struggle at all.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Gramn -
Hang in there. Your situation is getting better and better.
Your daughter is absolutely normal. Most little ones like to sleep with parents. The key to having a nice life with babies is getting on a schedule. Like - up in the morning, breakfast, play, nap, etc.
Sounds like your wife has interrupted the cycle.
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Believer, yep, we USED to have a schedule.
This morning we ate breakfast at a McDonalds. She was surprised that I havent been served yet, so it's coming soon.
She asked for "sole residency at the house" but claims that they will not enforce that and we can all live there together? Hmmm?!
It was an OK breakfast, but near the end she got all angry again blaming me for all of the gossip around town about her and OM. (Yeah, like that is my fault...)
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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GRAMN...I'm YELLING AGAIN!!! Don't call her bluff with the impending D papers. She can say that you're not stable and they'll toss you from the house...you could go to jail if "she allowed you to stay"...All she would have to do is call the police in one of her fits of rage and you're in the joint...
TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!! FIRST THING MONDAY..
cancel all cards
File for custody
pre emptive strike regarding divorce.
Follow Mortor's instructions closely
like a cancer death...you know it's coming...you're always shocked when it happens...and the hurt is still bad...and you KNEW!! Complancy will cost you dearly!!
PROTECT YOURSELF!!!!
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Send Me- I'm all over this. Don't worry, I'm not buying into her selfish ideas.
----------------------
After spending yesterday and today with Daughter and My parents, I brought her home today and she is spending time with her mom...
At the exchange, Wife was terse and silent until she got into the car. THen she wanted to talk, but broke out into her usual tirade. I listened and talked to her. (I might be deluding myself, but) I think I am finally starting to get her to see that OM was not so great.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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I think I am finally starting to get her to see that OM was not so great. Be careful, Gramn. Don't "educate" her. She isn't ready to learn from you yet. Let her figure it out in her own time.
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Hi Gramm --
Here's something I think you might be able to tell her that's not quite educating. If she wants to discuss how you ruined her chance with the love of her life, how about, "I'm sorry you're hurting WW, but you want to know the difference between OM and I? I have no intention of running at the first sign of trouble. I'M willing to fight for you." Then hush, and let that sink in with her for a while. That's strong without sounding whiny or needy. Good luck, you're doing great!
Shellybird
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Oooohhhhhhhhh, and we women LOVE men that are willing to fight for us.
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