Yep! I absolutely agree with 2Long about also noticing the positive. Your real wife is inside there somewhere. However, right now she remains an alien so you have to be watchful for the "dirty tricks".

Sounds like you are on top of this.

I don't want my post to make you give up hope. Because there's always HOPE....

Hi Gramm,

So what do you say when she says ridiculous things like you "ruined her future?"

I think you need to say in a very even, pleasant voice something along the lines of "No sweetheart! You've got that part wrong! I'm fighting for your future. I'm fighting for you. You don't see ME running at the first signs of trouble, do you? I'm sorry you're hurting because he took off on you so quickly."

We're telling you we love and respect men who stick up for us, sometimes stand up to us, and who are willing to fight for us.

Shellybird

She thinks "fighting for our family" is crazy talk. She is into this line "If you love someone, set them free and they will come back to you if the love is real" or something like that...

Today she brought baby and I breakfast. Last night, she'd said that she wanted to talk about us being friends. That was a nice idea, but today she was still angry about the whole job thing. Saying I had no right to make these decisions for her...

Oh well.

She says that she didn't know anything from that Y Board meeting. So I guess YGuy is still fired for all I know.

I'm looking really closely to tell if she is back with him. She says that he does not want to talk to her, but I'm trying to figure out if that is the truth or not...

Oh gee. Now she is playing the "friends" card. What she is really asking is that you shut up and act nice while she screws you over and don't complain. Just be "friendly," ok?

ummmmmm no. Tell her you are not her "friend," you are her husband. She is your wife. If you want a "friend" you will call up one of your old high school buddies.

This is just a new manipulation tactic.

Further, would you choose someone for a "friend" who lied to you, cheated on you and called you every name in the book? That is not usually the foundation of most "friendships."


You must have missed that sappy chick flick on A&E. You watched a movie on TNT that said that REAL MEN protect their families from harm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ugh, all of this is so mentally draining.

Well, nothing else to report so far. I'll let you know if I find anything.

If she IS actually seeing/speaking with OM, it's apparently very secretive. I'm doubtful, but I don't know what to believe any more.

I still need to figure out what is going on with that pregnancy stuff too.

Hey Gramm, how about one of these manly

((((((( Gramm )))))).

You and your family are a lot of peoples thoughts & prayers...

We had a calm but annoying discussion yesterday...
(I know that you can blame the "fog" but it is still annoying)
(paraphrased)

Me: I'm sure that I could be a better husband. I must not be meeting your needs if you wanted to have an affair in the first place.

Wife: You've been a great husband, doing everything that you should do! It's just that I dont love you in that way! It's nothing you did or didn't do!

Her statement is the RESULT of being involved in a fantasy affair. She is under the influence. It is a CLASSIC statement that we have heard hundreds of times on this forum. Pay it no mind. Once she withdraws from sleazeboy, the tune will change.

I'm sorry Gramm. These discussions can be SO irritating. She just isn't at a place where she can look honestly at herself or you. If she admits there are things you can do, then she's opening that door to reconcilliation, which she isn't prepared to do just yet.

As for the nauseating comment "If you love something, set it free..." she's saying that because she wants her OM and wants you to send her on way with all good wishes and support. I'd be tempted to say, "Gee, I wonder if now that OM is apparently free from you, if he'll return to you, ya think?" Um, that's probably a lovebuster, nevermind.

Just know that no matter what a woman SAYS, it will sink that you ARE fighting for her in ways the OM isn't even coming close to and it will make a difference. He RAN, RAN, RAN at the first hint of trouble. At some level, she knows that and will never feel quite the same way about him.

I wouldn't even discuss your relationship at this point. It does get to a point where it's just too draining. If she brings it up, you might say something like, "You know, you've made it clear how you feel, and I've made it clear how I feel. Let's just (go to lunch, go shopping, watch TV, whatever,) and relax for a while."

Take care,
Shellybird

Wife just went on a job interview that could conceivably be a very good job, making as much or more money than I do!
It might just be a matter for her to decide to accept it or not.
I'm not sure what this means for our relationship/divorce/custody/etc.

It has several pluses and minuses.
Should I encourage or discourge this job?


----------------------------------------
I know relationship discussion is pointless right now.

She loves to say how I "ruined her future" and all that.

I'd love to tell her "you stabbed me in the back and sabotaged our life!" but I don't think saying that would do any good.

Oh, how I long to tell my WW that.

They have!! - I have described it as a 16" stiletto, through our backs, into our hearts. And they twist, and tomorrow they twist it some more, and for a year they just leave it there, sometimes letting it heal for a week or a month, then they jiggle it some and start twisting it again.

ouch.

Gramn - I would encourage her to take the job. Try to be on her side about it. I still think she is on her way back to you.

Reasons Job Is Good:

1) No time to go to the Y & less time for affairs
2) less financial concerns
3) If I was to get custody, she might owe me child support

Reasons Job is bad:
1) Makes her more independant. (Can afford her apartment or "lifestyle" or whatever)
2) Daughter would have to go to daycare. (probably going to happen in any scenario anyway)

Reasons Job Is Good:

1) No time to go to the Y & less time for affairs
2) less financial concerns
3) If I was to get custody, she might owe me child support
4) She will have to put daughter in daycare, taking away her only PLUS in her getting custody.
5) By supporting her decision to work, you are supporting her...which is a deposit in her love bank...another Plan A victory.

Reasons Job is bad:
1) Makes her more independant. (Can afford her apartment or "lifestyle" or whatever)
2) Daughter would have to go to daycare. (probably going to happen in any scenario anyway) This is good for you as I said above

Gramm,

Very interesting turn of events. I would encourage the job. You want to acknowledge her worth...give her validation and praise her abilities!! (all filling the love bank)

""She loves to say how I "ruined her future" and all that.""

You should counter.."I did not ruin your future, but just changed the direction of it to keep me in it!!" Now with this job and your family by your side, you will have a fantastic future!

k

Yes she may gain independance but that is a good thing. That may have been part of the trouble. I think her straying started emotionally while on Maternity leave. The OM called her daily to give updates from work etc.

When too idle the mind tends to wander. This will give her focus and purpose. Then she will probably begin to see what she was missing and that will probably be you.

Support her. She may leave but sometimes that is what it takes. You never miss what you have until it is gone.

That's a good theory, but not really true in our case. Remember, our daughter is over 2 yrs old, so a lot has happened since Wife was pregnant. And, we call each other daily to give updates. I don't think that is what would attract her to OM.

Anyway, thanks for the ideas everyone.

Its not that you dont call it is it that she doesnt have much of a purpose. You said she is wanting you to be this and that. Maybe she is wanting to be part of something and not just June Cleaver. Some people are cut out to be stay at home moms and some are not. It is a tough tough job.

you mentioned post pardum earlier and I thought of this at that point. She may just wanted to feel that she belonged to some adult type thing and the Y provided that and led to her getting involved with Y guy.

Her getting a job will provide a sense of accomplishment she may be missing and longing for. Not that a stay at home mom isnt an accomplishment. I just think todays modern women struggles with the idea of a career vs family. Men have the same issue as well. You mentioned you feel pushed to work more but pulled to be there. I honestly think women get more of that cause no matter how you try to get around it society still puts the pressure of child rearing on the female.

Just something to think about. Anyway I think her getting a job is a great idea.

Wife was always a great career person. Always moving up in her various positions very quickly. So, maybe she is more of a "worker" type.

Just now, she came to take Daughter away for the night. We were making weekend plans and she was upset. She said "At this point, you get to see her more than I do!". Does that make ANY sense? She has our daughter with her from 8 pm until 4:30 pm the next day, almost every weekday. I have only seen the girl on weekends and every night. How is that fair? Maybe Wife is jealous that I am getting more "quality" time with her?

OK, so tonight we were supposed to talk about some stuff. (I at elastt wanted to hear more about her job opportunity) Well, I flopped on my bed and fell asleep until 10 pm. When I woke up and called her, she was asleep.

I'm getting paranoid from lack of information...

I still don't know anything about any decisions at the Y. I think she would know by now if anything new was decided.

Last night, she forgot to recharge her phone. I'm wondering if she was out all night somewhere?

This upcoming friday night, she wants me to keep our daughter for the night again. I assume that she has some evening plans, but she didn't say what they were, and didn't elaborate when I asked her. Is OM back in the picture?

Argh, I hate all of this!