I'll contact OMW, but I need more to say than I have so far.

"I think they might be talking to each other" is not very factual...

Gramm, all you have to say to her is exactly what you told us here. You don't have to have a notarized police report to speak to her. Tell her your suspicions and ask her what she is seeing.

Interesting night...

I had plans to go out of town and see a friend tonight (Wife had demanded weekend time with the baby, so I figured it was a good chance to go and hang ot with a buddy)

Anyway, right as I'm about to leave, Wife calls me saying that she is bored/lonely and wants to know if I'd go to dinner with her!?! I consider it, but then she changes her mind and says to go and do my thing...

A little later, she calls me in tears FRANTIC to know what was the evidence that made me know about the affair. (Why does she care about this now??) I'm reluctant to tell her, so she comes clean on a couple of other things so that I'll tell her...)

She had thought that she was pregnant so she took several more tests to be sure. One at her regular doctor, and one at planned parenthood. Both were negative.

Her "boyfriend" is still not talking to her. She got the details about his interview and things from another firend and that guy on the Y's board.

---From the nature of the way she told these stories, I believe her. I am getting good at reading her lies/truths.
Of course, even if these things are not as bad as they could have been, I am still on my guard...

Gramm,

""One at her regular doctor, and one at planned parenthood. Both were negative.""

Did you ask her if the docs ran STD tests? And were they negative too? Standard operating procedure to request these by the BS.

Don't tell her anything about your investigative techniques. When I read that, I thought is she going to twist that around in court? But then she has already admitted it in the D papers.

Stay strong...and silent my friend.

k

I haven't, and won't. She already KNOWS all about my techniques, but she doesn't KNOW that she KNOWS...

Gramm, why would she need to know your sleuthing techniques? That is none of her business and can only hurt you if she knows. She has no right to that information.

Where is your letter to the Y board and the discussion leading up to that? I want to help jgoatboy write a similar letter and can't find it. Do you know about what page that was?

Hey, Mel, I wrote that letter. I can't remember where it was but I'll look.

If you like, I'd be happy to help jgoatboy and you with his. Where's his thread? Haven't seen it.


StillLovingHim

Hey, Mel, I found the original -- hope Gramn doesn't mind that I am cutting and pasting. Is there anything else I can help with? Let me know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

slh
____________________________________

My example follows:


To whom it may concern (a name is better if you have one/some)

I am shocked and appalled at what I have discovered has been taking place at the YMCA located at address in city, state.

Yes, this sounds drastic and almost ridiculous, but you want to grab their attention right away. Make sure you include all details of street, city and state because this letter will be CCed to other key people and officials at a local, state and/or national level. These names will be listed at the bottom of the letter, and they will recieve copies, too. If nothing else, your Y will be motivated to give your complaint some attention, knowing you are fully capable of going over their heads and getting someone higher on the food chain's attention.

Recently, I discovered that one of your senior instructors (or trainiers, or whatever) {insert YGuy's name here} is having an adulturous affair with my wife {insert WWs name here}.

I am under the impression that YGuy & his wife recently announced that they are separating. This is due to my exposure of the affair, which had been taking place for some time before their decision to leave their marriage. This in no way constitutes a reason for Yguy to continue his illicit relationship with my wife.

I expect you to formally reprimand YGuy and order him to have no further contact with my wife or to consider terminating his employment.

Here you HAVE to state your expectations. You CANNOT leave this part out. Otherwise, they are just reading a letter with you griping. Do you want YGuy fired? reprimanded? Please re-word as needed, but it must be concise.

I was under the impression that the YMCA was a Christian-based establishment and that your employees had that standard to uphold. I have been paying for my wife's membership for {however long, include total amount of $ spent so far if it is substantial} and had been considering a membership myself. I cannot explain the disappointment I am feeling at seeing how wrong I was.

This is mentioned only because suggesting that the company could lose your business usually motivates someone to do something. Also, the "implied threat" means that you will tell others about this problem you have had with their establishment -- friends, family, coworkers, etc -- and they will not want to lose business.

I wish this matter investigated and resolved immediately to my satisfaction, and I ask that you contact me regarding this in the next week. Thank you.

Here you letting them know that you DO expect to hear something from them, and you will NOT be ignored. You are even giving them a time limit of sorts -- within the next week. You expect quick action to be taken, and if not, more poison from your pen will flow.

Sincerely,

Gramn------
home address
city, state, zip

phone
email


cc: YMCA
12345 YMCA Drive
Smackdown City, Ohio 12345

YMCA local chapter
23456 blah blah blah Ave.
La la la, Ohio, 23456

YMCA State level
34567 grapevine lane
de de de de, Ohio, 34567

YMCA National Level
45678 Whatever Ct.
Some city, Anywhere, 67890

it is imperative that you cc all of these people so that 1) the message is out there for the whole Y community to see; 2) the original Y knows you won't sit back on your laurels; and 3) Everyone knows YOU EXPECT SOMETHING TO BE DONE. Don't just bluff --really mail your copy of the letter to these people!



Best of luck, gramn, I will be chiming in when I can!

You can DO it!


StillLovingHim

Thanks much, SLH!! That was an awesome letter. jgoatboy needs help exposing his W's affair to her fellow senior partners in a law firm. She is having an affair with another married attorney at the firm. His thread is here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2761829

Thanks for reposting. Good luck to jgoatboy!!

---------------------
Today was interesting...

Today my family was invited to a birthday party for the 4 yr old son of a friend of mine. Originally, I had planned to take daughter. Wife was so lonely and messed up that she agreed to come too, when I said that she was welcome to join us. (This family knows nothing of the A or our D) She came in a seperate car and left early, but I figure that I'm leaving the door open to her and letting her do what she has to...

Gramm, that is great. She is coming along according to plan.

Gramn - That is very important to do. Plan things, and invite her along. If she doesn't want to go, you go anyway. Let her know that she is still welcome to join the family.

Things are moving right along with the battle plan. She thinks she wants out, but somehow she still wants you. This is where your Plan A works wonders. It actually causes her MORE pain!! Why? Because her foggy world begins to not make sense. Hey wait a minute, Gramn isnt all those things I made myself believe he was. I actually...like him.

She will hate herself for seeing you and want to run away. And she will be lonely and miss you once she is gone. For awhile, she will not be able to be happy anywhere.

Of course, you just stay the course.

Also, I hope you did not reveal any of your sources. Even if she knew all of them, you NEVER reveal your sources, confirm or deny them. And never tell her that is all of your sources. She must always be wondering who is watching, how does he know? You must always act (bluff) like you know EVERYTHING. That you know exactly what she did yesterday. It will drive her crazy that she cant keep secrets anymore (or thinks she cant). This is good!! It keeps her fog world very uncomfortable, as your REAL world begins to be more comfortable for her.

In the end, she will only have one real good choice to make. And she will either choose it...or you will Plan B her and take it ALL away. Then she will be uncomfortable in her fog and have NONE of you.

That is the definition of hell on Earth.

Keep it up. You are doign great. No letting the wife know what you know or how you know it. Just respond with "Honey, I know what is going on. There is really not much I do not know." And then be quiet. If she badgers you for what you know or how you know it, just say "Honey, how I know or what I know isnt important. It does not matter. What matters is where do we go from here. What matters is us finding a way to save our marriage and our family."

Drive on soldier.

In His arms.

I haven't revealed any sources. She has figured most of them out, but she does NOT know that she knows...

------------------------------------------------
Something to think about...
Our 5th anniversary is coming soon on friday. I want to plan something, but of course, i have to be careful. I'm sure that most things that I could plan would just get shot down.

Maybe I could ignore it entirely, but I don't think that is a good idea either.

I had thought of making her a photo collage, but she recently took down all of the pictures of us together, so I dont know if that would go over very well either.

Now she is saying that she wants to go back to her country with the baby for a couple weeks. I told her that I'd check with my lawyer, but only because I already know what he'll say...

NO!

And, I really don't like being in this position... If I say no, I'm being the "bad guy" to her family. I dont like being in this position.

GRAMN:

This is not your W anymore. She is REALLY an ALIEN. Like I have told you before, you can't begin to believe how much she could hurt you at this point.

You need to do whatever you can do to keep her from taking the baby out of the country.

The risk is not being able to see your baby again...

This is not about being the bad guy. This is about being a MAN who STANDS UP to PROTECT HIS CHILD from a M who is not acting in her BEST INTEREST. It makes no logical sense whatsoever for her to leave the country at this time other than for BAD REASONS. So who is being BAD now?

Just think how further upsetting this will be for your D? She is already showing signs of anxiety....

THIS IS HER LIFE. This is being imprinted into who she is as a person, this instability and upheaval.

YUK!!!

"Honey, normally I would have no problem with you going home with our daughter to visit relatives. But you have filed for divorce, so it just is not possible right now for that to happen. I hope that eventually you and I will reconcile. Otherwise, the divorce will come. Either way, I am sure that eventually you will be able to make those trips together again. I am sorry."

Gramn says: Now she is saying that she wants to go back to her country with the baby for a couple weeks. I told her that I'd check with my lawyer, but only because I already know what he'll say...

NO!

Brit's Brat (who is licensed to practice law in the State of Ohio)says:

NO!

Okay, not just NO, HECK NO.

Until there is a custody and visitation order in place, DO NOT let her take that child out of the country. If these are not in place, she can take off with the baby and you will have nothing that will allow you to see that child. Also, if she has filed and you have not been served, yet, don't be so certain this is not a set up. If she has not filed, takes of with the child and, then, you realize she hasn't filed and have to go and file, you wil have to jump through major hoops to serve her and, depending on the country she is in, they may not even recognize US legal proceedings and you are dead meat.

Now,

Gramn says: If I say no, I'm being the "bad guy" to her family. I dont like being in this position.

Brit's Brat (the mother of a VERY CUTE 3.5 year old) says:

WHO THE HECK CARES what they think about you. At this point in time, the only person that should matter over everything else is your daughter.

If you are truly worried about being the "bad guy" to her family, send them a letter telling them why you won't let your WW take the baby out of the country - because she has left you after having an affair on you with a married man. Not only is your marriage in shambles because of it, but so is his....depending on where your WW is from, I doubt you would be the "bad guy."

Okay, just once more for good measure - NO, NO, NO (yeah I know that was three times).

BB

BTW - my XH is not a US citizen. My attorney (no, I did not represent myself - an attorney who represents himself/herself, has a fool for a client), who specializes in family law told me that, until the divorce was final, I should give him my son's passport to hold so that XH could not take DS out of the country. I refused to give it to him (the attorney) because, if a court ordered him (the attorney) to do so, he would have to turn it over. I told him it was in very safekeeping with a person my XH would never think to ask and, if he did, the person wouldn't have turned it over anyway.

BB

Gramn,

I agree with everything Brit says. Do NOT, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, let your daughter go visit overseas with your WW. NO, NO, NO!!!

Who cares what you IL's think. Have they shown any concern for you, your marriage, or assisted you in saving your marriage? It seems that they support your WW in her foggy, irresponsible ways.

Stop worrying about other people and protect your daughter and yourself!