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That mortarman... So wise...
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Gramm, Are you seeing what MM is telling you about plan A? Do you see the timing, the set up (plan A), the preservation of your love for her, and then her having to face her OWN choices. It works, and it is scary, and it is a risk, but much less of a risk than you might think. I believe it was Pepperband or Beleiver that asked someone on this site recently What would you do if you were NOT afraid? Man that is a good question and really insightful. Listen to MM and the others, they are stearing you straight. God Bless, JL
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Gramm, Are you seeing what MM is telling you about plan A? Do you see the timing, the set up (plan A), the preservation of your love for her, and then her having to face her OWN choices. It works, and it is scary, and it is a risk, but much less of a risk than you might think. I believe it was Pepperband or Beleiver that asked someone on this site recently What would you do if you were NOT afraid? Man that is a good question and really insightful. Listen to MM and the others, they are stearing you straight. God Bless, JL JL, if all of us could only live that way. In His Arms
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Well, as I said, WW is on her trip visiting her family.
She just called me and we have been emailing.
She says that she shouldnt' have come. She feels out of place. She has a LARGE family, but only her immediate family know about the Affair. She says "How can I tell people that my heart is broken!" So, even with her family, she feels isolated...
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Well, as I said, WW is on her trip visiting her family.
She just called me and we have been emailing.
She says that she shouldnt' have come. She feels out of place. She has a LARGE family, but only her immediate family know about the Affair. She says "How can I tell people that my heart is broken!" So, even with her family, she feels isolated... She is starting to get light into the fog. This is a part of withdrawal, Gramn. Just be there, listen. The fact that she is talking to YOU about it is a very good sign. In His arms.
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I just talked to her over the computer. She is depressed and I tried to tell her that she'd get through this and all that.
BUT, she is blaming ME for all of this! She said "I just don't know why you had to go and destroy people's lives"... What [email]Cr@p![/email] I felt like telling her off right then, but there were people around, so I told her that I'd talk to her tomorrow.
SO, she did call me, but she blames me... Interesting...
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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She said "I just don't know why you had to go and destroy people's lives"... Gramm: "yes dear, affairs are very destructive..... "
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MM:
Doesn't the hostility that Gramn is beginning to feel towards WW signal the time for PLAN B...to lock his love for her away safely?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mimi,
Not quite yet. Her blaming him needs to be addressed exactly as Mel just said and it needs to be repeated a fair number of times AND THEN after a strong Plan A, helping her and talking with her on the internet while she is gone, and her coming home...PLAN B.
He is helping her right now, and Mel's response will help lift the fog a bit more, gradually he will get through to her, not completely but enough to make plan B even more effective.
Gramn: keep up the good work, support her, turn around her statements just as Mel said. AGree with her but don't accept any of the blame. This seems to be working well, keep it up with the communications.
God Bless,
JL
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I'll do what I can.
I don't think it makes any sense to start plan B until she is back from her trip. I was thinking give her a week of being back, then start B...
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Here is part of our email conversation from today.
I need to come up with an elloquent response...
--------------------------------------------
WW to Gramn:
...My heart is broken Gramn, and whether you admit it or not, you brought a lot of it on. Sure you didn;t
make decisions for YGuy but you pushed them and now it's killing me every day a little more.
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Gramn to WWife:
...Affairs are very destructive..... No one is innocent in this terrible situation.
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WW to Gramn:
Bite me
Maybe affairs are destructive, but people setting out to make sure your happiness is sabotaged are also destructive, moreso than anything else. And that's what you have been in all this.
-----------------------------------------------
Hmmmm...
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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-----------------------------------------------
WW to Gramn:
Bite me
Maybe affairs are destructive, but people setting out to make sure your happiness is sabotaged are also destructive, moreso than anything else. And that's what you have been in all this.
-----------------------------------------------
Hmmmm...
Plan B
Plan B
Plan B
Like Steve Harley told me "she NEEDS to SUFFER the consequences of HER actions."
Do you have the B**** to do a Great Plan B.
I'm getting ready for mine and looking forward to it (I'm looking forward to see her suffer, not only Emotionally but the physical drain of taking care of the house and kids by herself). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Most people are afraid to Plan B because it will usually be the final answer as to where the Marriage really stands.
Dave Carder (Torn Asunder) says the Nail is already in the coffin, so go for it.
You have nothing to Lose at this point (she's already gone, do you truely understand what this means) and everything to gain including RESPECT from your selfish, self centered wife (just like mine).
What would you do "IF" you were NOT afraid?
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I'm getting ready for this B, but not until she is back in town. While she is away with family, breaking off contact with me won't have as much effect as it will when she is in her new lonely apartment.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Bite me
Maybe affairs are destructive, but people setting out to make sure your happiness is sabotaged are also destructive, moreso than anything else. And that's what you have been in all this. Gramn to WW: You are right...doing the right thing can be painful. Protecting my family and being honorable are my top priority. Hugs Gramn, you are doing great!
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Hmm...I'd simply ask her to tell me how I destroyed people's lives. Once she's done, simply sum it up for her and ask "So what you're saying is that I destroyed everyone's life just by telling them what you were doing?" Say it very slowly and quietly, so that she has to listen and hear it. It should be one of those statements that will cut through the fog for an instant, and leave an impression that she'll remember later.
I did something similar during my battle to save my marriage.
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I definitely agree with waiting until she is back in town, Gramn.
I was trying to alert you to how your love bank is losing deposits and it will become important to safeguard your love for her..one of the many values of PLAN B....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Gramn:
Don't get in2 an argument over who is more destructive. It's nonsense, and crazy-making.
Get ready for plan B after she re2rns, like you've been thinking.
Let her fester in her own bodily fluids over her "bite me" comment.
-ol' 2long
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Here is my response to her:
How did I destroyed people's happiness? I am trying to be positive and supportive as well as I can.
I have been trying to help you get through this tough time. It was a really tough decision to let Daughter go on this trip, but I did, because I thought it might help you. I often don't know what to say or do, but you know that I am here for you and I care about all of the terrible things you've been going through.
-Gramn
Last edited by Gramn; 08/04/05 02:39 PM.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Well my response would have been: "I agree that trying to save a marriage sabotages a person happiness"
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Gramm, do not engage in an arguement, especially if you are preparing for Plan B, you want that bank to be full before you cut it off.
You know how she thinks you screwed up her happy little foggy life. Get back on script. "I'm simply trying to protect and preserve our family."
Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz
Bill
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