Gramm
I have been reading your posting with much interest and would like to say that I think you have done wonderfully. I only wish I could have the same energy and dedication to my situation. Hang in there, seems like your WS is making that long awaited U-turn. Well done, you deserve it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks NZGirl. I hope you are right,but it all still seems hopeless most of the time to me. I didn't do anything you couldn't do. Try your best!

Gramm:

Even though we attempted to rebuild our marriage, my FWW still worked with her OM. It took her to quit her job to assure NC. After that happened, real withdrawal started which last 2 to 3 months. It was post withdrawal that I started seeing a turn around.

It has been over 18 months since DD for me and I could change my handle to Comfortablycommitted or something of that nature.

You are way to early to expect more than your WW is capable of giving. Don't give up on her since you must be stronger than her to save your marriage.

TooSoon

I guess I just have to be more patient.

Now I AM thinking that I was just being paranoid about her go-to-a-bar-instead-of-dinner thing the other day.

One day at a time. She has another therapy session today, but without me. She'll ask the Doc when I should come with her though.

Gramm:

I say do what you can to get her back in the house with you. You can't rebuild the marriage if she is living a dual party life. Her OM dropping her is good for you and you may have to put a little pressure on her by telling her that you can accept the mistake she made but if she compunds it by running the bars as a separated spouse, you view that as adding insult to injury.

I do believe people accidently fall in love but that is different than someone simply running away from their spouse so they can be free. Do not let her work you over with adding a new set of issues to deal with. She may have to think she could lose you at some point. You might check into the 180 degrees approach so you can become familiar with the concept.

The undoing of the affair is very tough. The falling back in love with the spouse is very tough, long and painful. She feels the same for her lover as they did with you when you first fell for each other. It is hard to compare seasoned mature love with fanatasy love. The fantasy is so much better, but it isn't real.

Remember this, there are no winners from affairs, just survivors. Keep your pride in check, remain strong, and fight hard to win her back. Make yourself be as appealing to her as possible without it looking fake.

I am sorry that you are going through this mess.

TooSoon

Well, she went to her therapist again today. She asked if the two of us should come in together, and he said yes, but he doesn't think she is ready for that yet.

In the mean time, he suggested that I possibly get a seperate councillor...

How do you know this is true what she is saying about her counselor?

I don't, but I could ask the guy...

I do know that she was there. I saw her car in his parkign lot several times as i drove by.

She said that he suggested I find another councillor in the mean time. I could ask him to clarify that or something...
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This morning, I told her that DD and I are going to dinner tonight and said that she is welcome to come. She said "I'll come if I don't have anything better to do." That statment seems to encompass her current attitude. She'll spend time with me, if she has NOTHING else to do.

I hate this crap attitude and deserve more.

Getting closer to PLAN B..

I don't think you necessarily need a counselor, Gramn..

How would her counselor know what YOU need?

YUK....

I don't think that is what his point was... He doesn't think SHE is ready for joint counciling yet. I hate waiting for her to be ready, but that makes sense to me. I tried to call the guy, but he is off for today. I'll have to wait until tuesday.

This weekend, we'll be spending some time together, taking our DD to a birthday party out of town. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

While I had lunch with DD today, WW went to meet with OM's friend. This friend is apparently on the board of directors at WW's new job, and she had heard that OM was spreading lies about her. (Something about making himself look better about their breakup) So, of course, she wanted to set the record straight for this guy.

I don't know if this info is important or not, but as we all know, OM lied to her, and about her, so that is probably one more nail in their coffin.

Even so, I don't know what to believe any more.

I got a call from my lawyer... That custody thing in court has been called off because we came to an agreement in mediation.

ALso, WW talked to her lawyer (who passed this along to me) that she is considering putting the divorce proceedings on hold to work on our marriage. She hasn't commited to that yet, but she is considering it...

That is great news Gramn. For her to consider putting it on hold, and TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE is huge.

Have to 2nd Believers View there!

Isn't it Amazing?
Even more and more "reality" Forcing its way into the Fantasy element of A (through the revelation of the LIES) you Mentioned as Nails.

And then having her at least BEGIN to waver on Her "steadfast" Decision <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> to Divorce.

My my my ....Looks as though Exposer and its Ramifications have struck again.
Please,
any and all newbies, Take heed.

You are right Top Rope, Exposure was the number one tool that brought my wife back to me. It causes reality to be added and that brings in things like scrutiny, humiliation, embarrassment, accountablity, and many more affair breaking tools.

Good work Gramm. Withdrawal may be short lived in your case with the bickering and positioning going on between the soon to be "ex-lovebirds".

TooSoon

Last night we went out to dinner as a family. She didn't have to come, but accepted my invitation.

I'd hardly say it was a success though. She was still very beligerent. I think the point I took from her tirade is that I need to back off and give her more space. That is probably actually good advice...

I've been trying to not "bug" her, but it's very tough not to see and talk to her every day when we share a DD...

Hope you didn't spend a ton of money!

The Harley's say sometimes it is better to lay low during the WS's withdrawal. Probably anything you say or do is going to set her off. But that won't last.

I "helplessly" spent money on a ton of flowers, bought her a new car radio, bought her clothes, fixed up her car, bought new refrig, stove, dishwasher, and micro-wave, painted the interior of the house, as part of my plan A.

This was after DD and prior to her implementing NC by quitting her job. None of it mattered to her at the time. She was apartment and furnoture shopping with the OM as I was doing this for her. I actually came to believe that I was doing this for the kids and I since she was walking away from it all anyway. I even told her that the next woman in my life might enjoy what I have done to the house.

Post withdrawal, she started noticing the things I did and slowly began to appreciate what I had done. It takes many -many painful long months to have them disconnect from their lover emotionally and begin the reconnection back with you. My FWW told me her OM was the true love of her life and that was a real problem for her and I and our marriage. (fog)

Gramm, make yourself as appealing to her as you can. Things are turning and you are the likely alternative to her losing the OM. Know that she doesn't love you today but give her all the reasons why she should. Understand that if you don't embrace her now, she may not come back. In the distant future, you will see, hear, and feel the remorse for her actions so don't expect them anytime soon.

By the way, Believer is right, don't spend much money since it doesn't matter to them early on. I am proof of that but I like my house better than before my FWW's affair and I like her better now than during the affair.

TooSoon

What do you mean by this, Toosoon...?

I just spent the long weekend with DD and my family. WW and her relatives just got back from Chicago and took DD away again.

This whole thing sucks. From what I know, the affair IS over. BUt it's hard for me to know what to believe. I see WW making a cell phone call to ANYONE and I assume, "Is it him again?!?!" I can't keep on her case everytime she calls anyone, but I DO have reason to be paranoid.

I have tried to back off. For this week, at least, I will avoid calling WW unless it's necessary. She says she wants me to "back off" so I'll try that... See what she does.

I had previously invited her and her relatives to a cook out one night this week. WW just asked me what night that should be. I guess it's progress that she'd come to something like that with me.

Gramn -

You are making steady progress. I know it is hard to see up close like you are. I truly believe your wife will be back and engaged in the marriage soon.

I can also see that you are barely holding on, and getting tired. I think I would set a date in my mind to re-evaluate everything. Maybe Holloween. That way you won't feel like this is going on and on.