NZGirl, thanks for reading--- I don't think you realize how much of that letter I coppied and Pasted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It needs some improvment. Thanks for the comment about the pick-ups. I'll address that.

I just met with my councillor guy. He liked the letter but thought that I was being too nice. He suggested taking out the love stuff.

I'm still working on it...

Gramn, don't take the love stuff out. PBL is supposed to be a love letter to your WS.

I'm not feeling much love right now...

OK< check out this version...
It's better...

Dear WW,
In all our time together, I never thought we'd reach the point where we are today. I am saddened by what has become of our marriage and our family. The five years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I’ve loved you this entire time: though sickness and depression, pregnancy, moves, tedious work schedules and this separation.

I have told you I will always be there for you, but your affair continues to inflict great pain on me.

THE POINT: I cannot see or talk to you any longer. If you at some poiny end your affair and choose to consider making changes and discuss rebuilding a life with me, I will welcome the discussion.

Until that time, it will not be possible for me to have ANY contact with you.

We share a wonderful little daughter & will always be linked in regards to her. Our arrangments regarding her will not change. You can leave me voicemails or other pertinant messages related to DD, and I can respond with a confirmation message to you. I will not answer the phone if you call. I will pick her up at your door, and you can pick her up at my door.

Please respect my decision.

If you need to communicate with me about anything else, send me an email. If there is anything that you still need from the house I will bring it to you when I pick up DD or leave it in the garage for you to pick up. If you need to come to the house for any other reason, please do so when I am not there, and leave a note. I will continue to cover my part in our shared expenses as I have throughout the summer, and I trust you will do the same.

WW, my wish is for us to build a new life where each thing we do, every day of our lives, makes us both happy. My willingness to do this in the worst of times is part of the vows I made to you 5 years ago. And I do still believe in you. But right now, letting you go and distancing myself from your actions is the only way I can protect myself. This isn't about anger or jealousy. I need to restore some normalcy to my life so that I can remain healthy, find peace, and rebuild myself as a person.

-Gramn

Gramn,

You have asked for comments on your letter. I tried to explain my comments in a former, and rather confusing post, so I have instead just taken the liberty of making changes that express my comments. I hope it is not rude.

Dont be afraid to be even more firm about no contact, I still think there is a little too much "explanation" on the logistics stuff. A simple, dont contact me except for email or voicemail would do.

Then again, it is not the words in this letter, but your actions after delivery that will really mean something. So its probably pointless to get too hung up on the words. The most important thing about Plan B is to DO it, not explain it.

My version:

Dear WW,

The last five years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have always loved { ] about you. I’ve loved you this entire time: though sickness and depression, pregnancy, moves, tedious work schedules and this separation. And I still believe in you.

In all our time together, I never thought we'd reach the point where we are today. I am saddened by what has become of our marriage and our family. I want to protect the love I have for you and for our family. I have told you I will always be there for you, but your affair continues to inflict great pain on me and our family, and I fear it will destroy my love for you. For this reason, I am removing myself from this present triangle [situation?]. Until you feel you can make a commitment to our love and our family, please do not contact me.

We share a wonderful little daughter and will always be linked in regards to her. Our arrangements regarding her will not change. I will pick her up at your door, and you can pick her up at my door. If you need to communicate with me about her, you can do so by leaving me a message, but I will not answer the phone if you call.

If you need to communicate with me about anything else, please do so by email. If you need to come to the house for any other reason, please notify me by email ahead of time so that I can arrange not to be there. I will continue to cover my part in our shared expenses as I have throughout the summer, and I trust you will do the same.

WW, I love you and I love our family. By removing myself from the current situation, I am seeking to preserve that love. My wish is for us to build a new healthier life where each thing we do, every day of our lives, makes us both happy. My willingness to do this in the worst of times is part of the vows I made to you 5 years ago. This isn't about anger or jealousy; it is about restoring normalcy to my life so that I can remain healthy, find peace, and rebuild myself as a person.

If you at some point choose to end your affair and choose to consider making changes and rebuilding a life and our family with me, I will welcome the discussion.



-Gramn
++++

I WISH YOU THE BEST. REMEMBER ITS WHAT YOU DO NOT SAY!

Gramm:

Let me make this suggestion. If you dont know who Tony Robbins is and his general ideas of people's motives and actions, her is a 30 second overview. Tony believes people are driven by the carrot and the stick. People avoid pain at almost all costs. They want the nice things like the OM in this case but if the pain exceeds the carrot, then the OM may be avoided to eliminate the pain.

Here is my suggestion to you. Talk to a lawyer and tell him you want him to represent you in your probable upcoming divorce and you are interested in some initial consultation. Have him send your WW a certified letter that states you are in the early stages of talking about filing for divorce. Have the lawyer state you plan on filing for full custody due to your WW living a life unfit to raise your child. Base this on her reckless drinking and driving with your child in the car, her record of tickets, and base it on her immoral actions as a mother setting a poor example for your child by having an affair and continuing with the same pattern of lack of real responsibility to raise a child.

Simultaneously, sit down face to face with the OMW and plan your dual attack on both lovers. Plan an exposure campaign like they have never dreamed of. Both lovers will be hit below the belt at the same time. Fight this battle with a vengence and play the game for keeps. After all he11 has broken loose, then send your loving letter of Plan B and begin the ignoring and avoidance game. Plan B will have so much more impact if you do it my way.

Most BS's are afraid to make their WS's mad and are afraid to turn them away forever. You MUST accept it is already happening and if you don't do something redical, you may never get her back. This is my suggestion to you. Dismantle her by taking her down a few notches. Let her know that there will be a severe price for her selfish actions.

Remember, she moved out and is now more open with the OM. Go for broke or it will be over. I would like to hear yours and others on my opinion.

TooSoon

Gramm, there are a couple of red flags here. First off, there should be NO CONTACT except in an emergency. Emailing is CONTACT. She should be told simply NO CONTACT whatsoever. Can you set up an intermediary and attach a strict visitation schedule to this letter? That way you won't have to discuss visitation times on the fly, everything will be set.

Secondly, she should not be allowed to get anything from the house, nor come in the house. NEVER should you leave the house and let her come in like she still lives there - she has chosen to LEAVE, remember? Let her feel the consequences of her actions!

Take her personal effects, put them in a box and deliver them with the letter. She can't have anything else and should not come in the house EVER, lest she get a house "fix."

If you have to listen to her voicemails, you will NEVER detach from her and will be dragged back into her affair daily. You don't even want to deal with that, Gramm. Complete darkness will save you much ******.

p.s. have you spoken to the OMW yet?

Thank people:

Ahuman: I'll probably use some of your phrasing. Thanks!

TooSoon: You must not know my whole story. WW filed for divorce from me a couple months ago! I also did some massive exposure, to her parents, friends and the employees at her OM's former work place. I also contacted OM's employers which led to him getting fired. My contact with OMW has also helped mess up their relationship, at times.

It seems that none of those things have finished this off yet, though.

Melody: I'd REALLY LIKE to have no contact, but with a 2 1/2 yr old daughter which lives with both of us part of the week, we are ALWAYS picking her up or dropping her off. And there are always logistical concerns. Today, WW called me and asked that I bring DD a certain pair of shoes. Later, she asked that I get her some medecine at a pharmacy.
I want to break as much contact as possible, but it's really hard.

I don't know of any intermediary that could pick up or drop off our Daughter every day. Neither of our parents live close to hear. I don't want to be involved with most of her local friends.

I will tighten up some of the other details if I can though.


-------------------------------------
Today (I haven't implimented the plan yet) WW was telling me aobut her counciling session. Her concillor suggested a book for us called something like "THe silver lining of Divorce"... What Cr#p!

Gramm, it needs to be tightened up DRAMATICALLY. You are openly inviting her to email you. You are openly inviting her into the house to come take more stuff. That has to come out. Nor can you step and fetch it for her any more. Your days as errand boy are OVER. She gets her OWN medicine. She either does with whatever shoes you sent or she does without. Bringing a certain pair of shoes for DD is not critical contact and should discontinue. She does not call her errand boy anymore. Let the OM be the errand boy and see if he can fill your shoes. Do you see what I mean? Plan B means you remove yourself from servitude.

You should NOT be filling any of her needs, which means you are no longer at her beck and call.

So you eliminate email contact, eliminate house visits and make up a schedule where you both know in advance the pick up and drop off. That should take care of alot of contact issues and let her know you mean business. I would also change the locks on the house.

I was not aware she had already filed and was unsure of the heavy exposure you did. Now, it makes more sense why everyone is pushing hard for Plan B. I would still make her think she may lose custody, because you might have a chance to get your DD if you push for it.

Gramn..listen to Mel...you MUST go as dark as possible. I too had children and picked them up daily...never saw XW...would not. Trust me it was noticed (and welcomed by her at first)..although your DD is so young this can still be accomplished...you must, for your own sanity go as dark as possible...

Today I am at home with a very sick DD.

I am revising this letter to be tougher... I'm annoyed to loose a day though...

Here is a newer version. I plan to give it to her tonight! (Which I am dreading)
Any last minute ideas for improvment?
------------------------------
Dear WW,
The five years that we have been together were filled with hugs,

jokes, tears and laughs. I’ve loved you this entire time: though

sickness and depression, pregnancy, moves, tedious work schedules and

this separation, and I still believe in you.

In all our time together, I never thought we'd reach the point where

we are today. I am hurt, dissapointed, angry and saddened by what has

become of our marriage and our family.

I realize that I have not always been the type of husband you wanted.

I've been inattentive, unmotivated and unassertive at times, but I

have always tried my best to make you happy.

I have told you I will always be there for you, but your continuing

affair and reluctance to work on our marriage continues to inflict

tremendous pain on me.

THE POINT: I cannot see or talk to you any longer. From now on, it

will not be possible for me to have ANY contact with you.

This is not about DD. We will always be linked in regards to her

and our arrangments regarding her will not change. You can leave me

voicemails or other pertinant messages related to DD when

necessary, and I will respond with a confirmation message, but I will

not answer the phone if you call. I will pick her up at your door,

and you can pick her up at my door.

Please respect this difficult decision. Besides things involving

DD, I will continue to cover my part in our shared expenses as I

have throughout the summer, and I trust you will do the same.

WW, my wish is for us to build a new life where every day makes us

both happy. My willingness to do this in the worst of times is part

of the vows I made to you 5 years ago. But right now, letting you go

and distancing myself from your actions is the only way I can protect

myself. This isn't about anger or jealousy. I need to restore some

normalcy to my life so that I can remain healthy, find peace, and

rebuild myself as a person.

If you choose to end your affair and consider making positive

changes, please contact me, and we can discuss restoring our

friendship and marriage.

Starting now, I go forward in my life, and would like you to be there

with me. Whatever happens, you'll always be in my heart,

-Gramn

One typo I noticed:



"though" should be "through"

Stay strong,

YS

Change the "though" below to "through".


Dear WW,
The five years that we have been together were filled with hugs,

jokes, tears and laughs. I’ve loved you this entire time: though

sickness and depression, pregnancy, moves, tedious work schedules and

this separation, and I still believe in you.

Gramm, I think it is PERFECT except this one line:


Change to: THE POINT: I must end all contact with you and would ask that you do not contact me except in the event of an emergency.

This will convey to her that you will be ending contact and most especially, that SHE is not to contact you.

The rest of your letter is FABULOUS. It is short, sweet but hits all the points. It is not overly sentimental, but has just the right touch.

Now, here is what will happen when you deliver the letter, she will do everything to get you to break Plan B and test your resolve. Plan B is Gramm taking back control of his life. She will not like that and will resent giving up her control. So please be prepared to deal with this correctly lest you lose any and all leverage you have. If she can get you to break Plan B, then she will be back in control.

You did good, Gramm, I think this will all work out.

Gramm- Good luck with your plan. I will say a prayer for you and your family! I think I'm headed down the same path your on right now.

Thanks people.

(Good luck to you too Dazed)

I gave her the letter tonight. I didn't have her read it in front of me, but explained the point to her.

She seemed to take it OK. It will be interesting to see what happens.

She said that she wants to be able to call me and talk to DD when our daughter is with me. I said that maybe I would let her do that. (Talk directly to DD) Besides that, she seemed to be considering it all, but didn't say much.

Does she normally call and talk to DD? Why can't she wait until she gets home? I mean, its not like she is away from her mother for a week. Good grief...