Very good! Take daughter to the mall and let her pick Daddy out a "toy." Maybe a new hacksaw or hammer. Then it might be time to have a birthday party with the two of you at Chuck E. Cheese.

You see, as you and daughter get this time together, you must understand one thing. While your marriage is in crisis, what you do have is plenty of time for your daughter. I learned more about my kids in those three years of ****** then I think I had learned in all the years before.

There is an upside to this Plan B thing, Gramn. Find that upside and get to it. When your wife comes back (or if), yo uwill be fully engaged in recovery. And as most can attest, recovery is HARD! It takes a lot of time and energy. So, deal with all of the things outside of that (finances, your daughter, workout, etc) because who knows what kind of time you will have when your wife comes home.

In His arms.

Gramm,

""I'm ready for handing off phone calls or ignoring them, I'm nto sure what else to expect.""

When your daughter is with you, tell her that she is in charge of answering the phone. (Good game!)

If its mama then you will know. If she doesn't say "Hi mom" then you take the phone.

Just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Nah, technology makes that part easy. I have a cell phone with caller ID. If WW is calling, it says her name on it and even plays a special tone...

Wow, after I didn't answer a few cell phone calls, WW called me on my work line. (Darn sneaky...) Whether I'm doing it right or not this B is really pissing her off.

She says that she's got a call in to her lawyer!
What crap...

ooooooooooo

scary

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

bwhaaaaaaaaaa

She called you at work? Typical. That is why I said you have to have a plan. If she surprises you by showing up somewhere, you turn away...or give her another PBL and then turn away. if she surprises you like this call to work, just say "The letter I gave you explains everything" and then hang up. Dont explain, dont talk.

Her being POed is a GREAT sign!!! Do you know why?? Because if she really didnt need you or if this wasnt hurting her, she would be grateful. She wouldnt even worry about calling you. You havent stopped her from talking to your daughter...you have stopped her from talking to YOU!! And it hurts.

Which means what, Gramn? What have you learned from here? The answer is that you have done a great Plan A, that you two are still bonded by God, that there are needs that you still fulfill. If she could have her way, she would slowly hand those needs over to the OM to meet. But you didnt allow that. You up and pulled the rug out from under her. Before, she had both of you. Now she just has OM...and she does not like it.

THIS IS WHY I LOVE PLAN B!!! It is sort of like Revenge of the BS!! The WS gets everything they deserve and the beauty of it is...listen closely...

THE WS IS THE ONE THAT IS HURTING THE WS!!!!!!!!!!!

You are not doing anything to her. Her pain is due to her own actions. She wanted separation, she wanted a divorce, she wanted the OM. And now she has it. And she is still miserable. How can that be? The "soulmates" are together now...everything was supposed to be storybook. What has gone wrong?

Gramn, you can hear my sarcasm in this, cant you? Your wife is now facing Plan B full out. Her attorney wont be able to do anything!! You arent keeping her daughter from her. You are allowing communication. And there is an avenue you have left open (voicemail) for her to address child issues. Last I checked, no where in the laws does it state that you have to talk to her.

Steady as she goes my man. As has been the case all along, your wife has reacted by the book!

In His arms.

Thanks, MM. I was reading this situation just like you said.

I did slip up though, but not too badly. I had to talk, but I stuck to my plan. Anyway, here is what happened...

She was at (my) home with DD when I got there after work, and was all mad about this stuff. Yelling and everying. I said that I would not fight about this in front of DD. I opened the door and pointed. That freaked her out more. "This is MY house too!!". (I've asked my Lawyer if that changing locks thing would be OK)

Then she threatened to get full custody. I said "you can try, if you do, I'll get full custody"

Then she threatened to sue me. I said "You're ALREADY sueing me for divorce!"
Then she said "I think you're up to something!" (as in, I'm planning something...)

Finally she left.

So I took DD to a playground while her mom worked. It was the shortest shift ever, because soon she showed up at the park. Now she was talking and trying to be nice (while I was fixing the carseat and saying good bye to DD so I could leave)


She wants us to be able to chat about DD and how she is doing and all that stuff. I said that if DD is hurt or something important happens, I'll talk to her, but otherwise, I did not want to see or talk to her at all.

She was saying that she wanted us to be friends and that OM and OMW still go and watch their son at football games together. She said that I'm "punishing" her for seeing OM again.

I told her to read the letter again...

So, I don't know if I am doing a good job, or stinking up this plan terribly, but however I'm doing, it IS having an effect on her.

Although I'm sure that I've had a ridiculous amount of "no contact" it is having an effect...

What she wants is exactly what I told you she wanted: CONTROL OF YOU. Your Plan B is pissing her off because she is losing control of her errand boy. Stop arguing with her; stop talking to her, Gramm!! By doing so, you are giving her what she wants and playing into her hands! She is using your D as an excuse to force you to break your Plan B. STOP IT, Gramm.

More in a sec gramn. but let me show you again what I posted this morning:


And now you come back a few hours later with her saying she wants to hang out like OM and OMW at sons football games. Can you see? How did I predict what she would say and do hours before she did it? It is because NONE of this is new, and your wife is not unique in this.

With that in mind, I will be back in a second to go over your last post.

In His arms.

Gramm,

Beautiful! I think you handled the situation very well. You put a big smile on my face. Letting your WW feel the consequences of her action is the best chance you got of saving your M and protecting yourself. I think you are doing great.

Alright, after reading Mel and Mortar's posts, I have to pause with my praise. They are the experts.

Yes you did. And until you get this locked down, you will not really see anything. She has only shown you a taste of what she will go thru without you. I promise, as soon as you go dark...this will all blow up in her face.

Why? Why did you have to talk? Because she was on the phone? Come on, Gramn. You need to get this. You DO NOT need to talk to her. You set your Plan B back. Now it starts again tonight. For you (so you can go into withdrawal). And for her, so she can begin to respect you. A woman does not cheat on a husband she respects. When your word is not gold, when you do not do exactly as you have said, then she will not respect you. So, stick to your word, as outlined in the PBL.

AAwwwwhhh. Little missy doesnt get to call the shots anymore? Poor baby. MelodyLane is smiling about this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Better response: silence. No fighting if one person doesnt even open their mouth. She can argue and fight with herself. or better yet, take it "home" and vent it on her OM. That ought to help the love nest be cozy and loving! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It might have to be sold and divided...but it certainly isnt her house right now. Can you walk into her apartment? Nope. And she cant do so either. Legally, make sure you are right and change the locks. If she barges in and can be there, then you take your daughter and go for ice cream. No discussion. Just leave your wife there with her hands on her hips.

Well, if you are gonna break Plan B, then this wasnt a half bad remark. She will remember this. This will keep her awake at night. and of course, cause strain at the homestead.

Uh, oh. Quick, everyone hide. Mrs. Gramn has figured out that Gramn has a PLAN!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> She aint seen nothing yet!!

Wonder why? Could it be that this has gotten to her already? As I have said before, this stuff is all predictable and would be damn funny if it werent so damn serious. Gramn, you gotta go dark for good, buy some mega packs of popcorn and find a comfy chair. And watch the show.

And I just know your response was: silence, right?

See my last post about how I predicted this. But you SAY you dont want to talk to her at all...and you continue to talk to her about not talking to her. So, she will continue this because she gets what she wants...to talk to you. That is unless you get serious and shut this down now!!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! These people must be on crack!! And you are punishing her, how? Because she wants what that you arent giving her? As MelodyLane said, she wants control...she wants her way. And you wont allow her to just have that. Poor baby!

This is the ONLY acceptable response that you can give to any surprise encounter from here...okay?

You have seen a touch of the power of Plan B. so, now you understand. But the time is now for going dark. the longer you wait, the more diluted the pain will be. Dont do it Gramn! You let her have it all...right now!!

In His arms.

Gramm:

I was lucky to get my FWW's to stop seeing her loverboy after exposure and prior to her moving out. Mine put down a deposit on an apartment, had a move-in date planned, and was furniture shopping. By the Grace of God, by the threat of more exposure, by my promise to ruin her reputation, and by my promise to destroy her loverboy's carreer, she agreed to quit her job and to quit all contact.

My plan was to file for a divorce once she moved out which would allow her have full access to her loverboy. I never came close to Plan B for I was going to move ahead to Plan D. Like MM's case, I was handed the kids who still live at home because my FWW felt they were almost ready to be on there own. (FOG Talk Justification) THey were both still in school.

I do believe the Mortaman has this Plan B down to a science. I can talk strongly and successfully on expsoure and how exposure worked for me.

Without trying to cause you more grief Gramm, it appears that your WW is planning on divorcing you and she is trying to set the tone of the post affair period. She envisions a big happy life with her lover and great relationships with all the people her and her lover screwed over along the way. Personally, I think their relationship will be short lived and MM's lays it out well how you can contribute to its demise by giving her a daily dose of reality back by implementing Plan B.

Here is your problem, she will get used to not having a relationship with you and will accept it as fact. Your number one ace in the hole imo is for you to make an aggressive attempt for full custody. I know you can make a case of her driving with no regard to the law, probably drinking and driving with your DD in the car, and her abuse of the marriage oath with no regard to the child. Have your lawyer lay out a letter stating your position for custody and your plan to discredit her as a result of her history.

Check this page out and how corporations view speeders:

http://www.corporatecombat.com/searches_results.html

Driving Record
Like the county criminal search, the driver's record search is also delayed due to various state restrictions and the Drivers Privacy Protection Act. This report reveals driving violations and convictions. Although used primarily for potential drivers and heavy machine operators, it is also very useful for general screening purposes. It can signal alcohol or drug abuse and helps protect your company's vehicles, equipment and liability insurance coverage.

This search, along with the others, can reveal information that will be a "signal" of the level of responsibility the subject may display through his or her behavior. Frequent violations such as speeding tickets may be an indicator of the level of respect the individual has towards following the rules and regulations of society. Will this person have the same "disrespect" for the policies and procedures the employer will require should the person become an employee? If an applicant blatantly disregards the public policy governing his or her driving privileges, how will he or she view your company's policies and procedures governing their expected work attitude and behavior? Will he or she comply with policy or attempt to get around it?

A report of the state driver's license record of a subject. Availability and legal uses of the reports vary from state to state.
------------------

I think the judge will look for patterns and choose the spouse who is the most consistant, stable, and mature spouse to raise the child.

I hope this helps plant more seeds for you.

TooSoon

Thanks again people.

MM, your summary there great, but I think I am getting better at this, though slowly. My responses to this situation might have been good in some ways, but they were not as good as NO response would have been. (As Melody will agree)

TooSoon, I have been thinking about the custody stuff a lot. As you said, I'm sure that I have a good case. And I've been documenting everything this whole time, too. (For examle: Oct 3- 05 WW yelled at me in front of DD) I don't know exatly what I want to do yet in that regard, but I'll keep praying and figure it out.

Gramn...hang tough my friend...Trust me it will get easier as your own frustration mounts. This is and remains all about you maintaining your dignity while having a normal relationship with your DD...keep up the good fight...she is still going by the book....

This morning I met them at the Day Care to get the car seat into my car, say good morning to DD and sign her in.

When I got there, WW had a present and card for me (it's my birthday)

She also wanted to take our picture. So she took a picture of DD and I in the school parking lot. She said "I hope you'll take some pictures of DD and I sometime too, because if you don't, I don't know who will."

SO I did say thank you but otherwise shut up.
I'm baffled by this stuff.


It's kinda funny that WW is trying to reengage me as "friends" or whatever...

Gramm,
I am not real familiar with your story, but I have been reading your thread with the planB stuff. Keep up the good work, you are doing great.

I am a FWW, I left my H, moved in with OW a few months later. H and I were separated for 2 years. During that time, we had what your WW is saying that she wants, the big extended happy family, all the SO's and spouses hanging out at family functions etc. Everyone thought it was so great how we could coparent so well and gloss over my little adultery thingee.

Well, if my H had planned B me, I would have come home a heck of a lot sooner. He made it very easy for me, I had my romantic EN's and SF being met by OM, and BH was meeting my family support EN's plus chipping in with the finacial EN's with informal child support (we never legalized anything).

When my BH started dating, man did that send me into a tizzy. Now there was a fourth person in our sick little family who wanted a vote. She started making demands on MY H to try to get him to back off from me. How dare she!!It was so sick, I am ashamed at what a cake eater I was.

Don't make it easy on your WW. She will crash and burn, stay in the plan B, be the rock. Coparent as well as you can, but if you are letting her think you three (grown ups) can all let by gones be by gones, she will stretch this thing out as long as possible.

Thanks for helping me to see even more clearly how screwed up I was when I was the WW.

It is funny, isnt it? She still wants you, Gramn. And she will be nice, and give little presents and act all family like in order to keep you in her life...so she can have her cake and eat it too.

I think you have responded well to her in most cases. My problem with it is that you shouldnt be responding. It means that Plan B still has not started. Nothing has changed for her. She got a letter from you saying NC if she is still with OM. Well, she is still with OM and still having contact with you. Still acting like a family with you and DD. So, what's not to like? She loves this. This is EXACTLY what she wants. You are dying the slow death of a thousand cuts.

So, we still have to get back to the question...when are you going to start Plan B? I know you have to have minimal contact with her in order to hand off daughter and the like. I had to do it too. So, it isnt possible not to see her at all. But it is possible to not speak to her, to not accept gifts from her, to not take family pictures with her. And the like. And you dont have to be nasty about it. You dont have to be anything about it. You can just concentrate on your daughter and ignore her efforts. She wants to take a picture? Well, as she is trying to talk you into that, you instead are having a conversation with your daughter about something funny you saw on TV last night. Neither of you even hear your wife's request for a picture.

Men are supposed to be especially good at tuning out our wives. So, tune her out. This is the one time in your marriage when not listening to her is a GOOD thing!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Gramn, I know you are trying hard and doing the best you can. But I have been there my friend, and you are doing what I did. And all it will do is prolong things...and you will suffer for it. You will do as I did for 3 months, and placate her, and be drawn back in when she wants to talk about MAYBE getting back together. You will be drawn in by her wanting to talk about the kids, but instead she has an agenda to talk about the relationship. You will feed her addiction to you and thus she will nto feel any pain of losing you. And she will have the best of both worlds...two men doing her bidding.

You are now in a three-way relationship. Do you like it? Do you like sharing your wife with Former-Y-Guy? Then stop it. Stop being a part of it. Take yourself out of the equation.

Once you defend your boundaries and she has tested them and cant get thru...she will go quiet for a little while. She will head off to her new life and try to make a go of it. But it wont work. She wont be happy. She'll go two weeks without hearing from you and wonder what you are doing...what you are "planning." Who you are with.

But as long as you do not go to Plan B, then she has no reason to make a choice. She has no reason to stop what she is doing. She has every reason to believe that you will be right there...her friend...while she does her thing with Y-Guy. She knows all she has to do is be angry, or nice, or bully you, or threaten you, or be sneaky...and she will get what she wants.

Time to Plan B for real, Gramn. It will be tought the first week or so as she tries to bust thru yoru boundaries (just liek she has tried and succeeded so far). But once she cant get thru for a little while, then things get a whole lot better for you and a whole lot worse for her.

In His arms.

Otherwise known as: trying to break Plan B in order to keep Gramm on the plantation.

Yeah, i know. This Plan B thing is hard to get started! It would be easy to just block her out if it wasn't for DD.
I'm gradually getting better at this though.
I just need to say "That is it" and stop all of this...
---------------------------------------------
I got a few responses from my Lawyer...

(I asked about a restraining order to keep OM away from DD)
The only time the court would get involved with the time that your wife spends with her boy friend in the presence of your daughter is when it involves over-nights when the child is there.
(WW claims that she has not, and will not have an overnight when DD is with her)

You are allowed to change the locks. But for what purpose? Your wife would still legally be permitted to gain entry any way that she is able, including breaking out windows or doors.