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Joined: Jan 2002
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In another thread you said the following:

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I had to beg him to take me back, knowing he was starting to move on without me.

Could you elaborate on how your H was moving without you?

TMCM

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bump

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It's really sad and scary when I think about it ... He put our house on the market. He placed a deposit on another house. He completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) separated our finances. He found another job (we used to work for the same company). He started dating again. He only returned my calls occassionally. He was taking vacations without me. In short, he wrote me off.

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I guess I should ask ... why do you ask?

Also, I should probably mention this - he only started to do all of this after we decided to file for a D. He's always stayed honorable to me.

~ W

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I guess I should ask ... why do you ask?

Thank you for responding. The reason I asked you this question was because there are other infidelity experts that have suggested that a BS do exactly the things your H did in order to not only survive the affair but to start the his/her personal recovery regardless of the final fate of the marriage.

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Also, I should probably mention this - he only started to do all of this after we decided to file for a D. He's always stayed honorable to me.

~ W

It could also be that he wanted to stay honorable to himself as well. In any case BOTH of you are to be congratulated for having the courage to give your marriage another chance and to transform it into a much happier and healthier one than the pre-A marriage.

Do you beleive that a confident BS unaffraid of divorce is more likely to help his/her WS come out of 'the fog' much quicker than a BS who gives the impression of being a doormat and affraid of divorce?

TMCM

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Absolutely! If anything, it's such an attractive attribute - at least for me. Over the past weekend, I wrote down all the things that attracted me to my H in the first place, and 2 of the things were his independence and his confidence. Somehow, he lost both along the way - probably when he lost his job. I know, I've been quite blind for a long, long time.

It's strange, but when I knew he was changing for me, I didn't budge, but when I realized he was changing for himself, that's when I took note and started admiring and being proud of him again. That, perhaps, was the biggest letdown for me in our M ... that I lost respect for my H. Not that it's any justification for what I did, but I know that's why I left. I couldn't be with a man who I didn't respect.

Great insights, TMCM!

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That's great whisper28. Iam proud of u. I hope I have the same outcome. I would be happy and so will my kids. Iam runing on short time. Look at some of my old topics if you can find them.

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Will do. Will give you a shout tomorrow.


Whisper

FWW (me) 32 / BH 33
M - 12 yrs / 0 kids
EA/PA lasted 1.5 yrs
NC - 5/25/05 ... in recovery ever since!!!

"If you love something, set it free ..."
(Just glad I was smart enough to come back!)
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[quote] Thank you for responding. The reason I asked you this question was because there are other infidelity experts that have suggested that a BS do exactly the things your H did in order to not only survive the affair but to start the his/her personal recovery regardless of the final fate of the marriage.

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Hey Coffee,

I have been telling you this stuff works for years. Not many seem to listen even when it is constantly right under their noses that it happens all the time right on this site.

What DOES NOT WORK is doing what 2long keeps doing but thinks he is too smart for the rest of us. 3 years and he should wise up. Instead of people saying they respect him for hanging in there so long, they should be ignoring him until he gets a grip on the fact that STOP DOING WHAT DOES NOT WORK AND DO MORE OF WHAT DOES WORK....

anyway glad to see you keeping your eyes open to the fact that marriage builders is all fine and good, but is far far far from the only thing that works and it doesn't mean anything against this site when there are other things found to be just as or more effective in the long and short run. We should all continue to keep learning.

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Keepmovn,

I'm not sure if I agree whole-heartedly w/ what you said. Note: what worked on me is when my H put me on Plan B, even though he didn't realize that's what he was doing. I concur that there are many sources outside of MB that are helpful too, but specific to my sitch, my H's execution of MB's concept of the Plan B worked beautifully.

I'm not familiar w/ 2long's sitch, but I am guessing he's been in Plan A for far too long. W/ that said, Plan A was absolutely integral in reminding me of what I was missing when I was put on Plan B. Again, Harley's concepts of Plan A & B were exactly what was needed to turn me around. Just thought I'd clarify a bit.


Whisper

FWW (me) 32 / BH 33
M - 12 yrs / 0 kids
EA/PA lasted 1.5 yrs
NC - 5/25/05 ... in recovery ever since!!!

"If you love something, set it free ..."
(Just glad I was smart enough to come back!)

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