Hmmmmm. Interesting. I am sitting at my desk at work, but it seems there is no work getting done.

Just gonna blow this one off. Got important things to think about.

Her account is losing units fast!

In my mind, it doesn't matter that much if it HAS happened, or if they're planning on it happening. I would expose what you've got...it's WAYYY beyond anything acceptable in any marriage situation.

Of course, my situation was different...my wife had an online EA, that WOULD have escalated on to a PA had I not found out when I did, or had she actually left to meet OM as they'd planned when d-day hit.

I just did a test that indicates two people can be logged into a hotmail account at the same time - undetected. Anyone know for sure if she will see me snooping?

As hard as it may be to do, read them all. Any that talk about things that HAVE OCCURRED - these will be vital to exposure to his wife and to yours. DO NOT reveal to your wife that you have this e-mail source. When you confront her, just speak from a position of confidence. Be prepared for her to guess that you've gotten into her e-mail. Be ready with a response. "I have multiple sources of information. Our friends care about our family." That'll put a bee in her bonet.

Also - DO NOT SUGGEST TO HER that you're going to expose to OM's wife. Very important. You know why, right?

Have you read enough on this forum to know what to expect from her when she finds out you've exposed?

WAT

Edited to add: The reason I think having evidence of things already occuring is vital to exposure is because it's too easy for infidels to deny to themselves and others that an EA is not really an affair. "Nothing happened." This doesn't mean a BS should allow an EA to progress to a PA - just that evidence of PA is more powerful in exposure space.

Is the truckload of manure gonna hit the mongo spreader??

Yes - I know that she will brand me a crazy man and warn him to warn his wife.

You CAN log into Hotmail at the same time. It IS a risk, because if she goes to the main page while you're reading an email, she'll see it as already read when she knows she's not read it. And she might notice the flag if you change it back to 'flag as unread'. She might catch you, but it sounds worth the risk.

A problem is that we have no mutual friends in this town - that would clue me in. I guess if I called a couple of folks from her show...

Just come up with a good response that fits your circumstances.

Did you do any exposure in her first affair?

I dont know about hotmail...but, with our AOL accounts, I was able to log on under her username, right-click the email and select FORWARD. Then I sent it to myself. That way, the email doesnt show that it has been read. Of course, you must delete the forwarded email out of the SENT folder and out of the deleted folder.

While this stuff sucks, you have to admit...some of this stuff can get downright exciting.

In His arms.

Is it time to talk to her now? Or should I wait until I expose?

It seems that it might explode with a louder bang if the OM's wife gets the ball rolling.

No. OM was single, family knew and frowned on the sitch, but he did not care.

Look,

Think about who you know in the general area. Bring them to town. Family member, close friend. Tell them you NEED them to do this for you.

Getting intel is VERY important and if things are going to happen, this will be a perfect week for it to happen.

Again, stop arguing for your limitations and think my man. There is a solution. You need eyes on your wife over the time you are gone. You cant afford a PI 24/7. So, get that help from family/friends.

Maybe someone here on MB lives in your area and would do it for you (another male...never meet another female from online...you know why).

My heart has been pounding for almost 24 hours solid. I do not need prozac, but something for blood pressure!

You mean your wife?

Have you had any conversations with her about a potential affair? "Anything you want to tell me, dear?"

I don't think you can go wrong exposing to OM's wife first if you can give her copies of e-mails. Plan on her needing solid evidence.

But confronting your wife first makes a lot of sense, huh? You would have prefered she come to you with problems in the marriage first, right? Same goes for you. That said, you should not reveal your source. You should be prepared to go to OM's wife immediately and hopefully before your wife can warn OM that you're on to something.

Who to confront first may likely be determined by whether you can get to a face to face with OM's wife or not. You have to provide e-mails to her. This will blow your source for sure, but it won't matter after that.

JMHO,
WAT

Yes, I mean my wife.

I think it will sink in deeper with my WW if OM's wife finds out first. Let it roll down hill from there. I have a letter typed already. Maybe I could talk to my wife right after I talk to OM's.

I have got the emails that will sink the ship.

I hope others weigh in on this.

If you choose to expose to OM's wife first, do you plan on talking or doing it in writing? Talking is better but harder. The reason it's better is that you get to gauge her reaction and handle any denial. But a phone call prevents sharing paper copies of e-mails. If you can do it, face to face is the way to go. Very awkward and difficult. But all wars are.

You cannot rely on only a letter to expose to OM's wife. Does she even know who you are?

Assuming you are going to talk to and share evidence with OM's wife, yes, talking to your wife immediately afterward is smart. You may even get to her before OM's wife gets to OM who in turn circles back to your wife for damage control.

WAT

Sorry oh wise one :
Have to dissent here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

IMO this is doing it backwards.

Why even give the WW the Chance to warn OM (to come up with story) & inoculate OMW against your claims? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Its sounds nice, but No real benefit to it for anyone really. (But LOTS of potential pitfalls).

Look FAR, your going to HAVE to tell OMW eventually, and your WW is going to be furious NO Matter When you do it .....so any forewarning to the A partners on your part, is IMO ill-conceived.
(Believe me she's NOT going to be understanding or "thanking" you for coming to her first and then [in her mind] blowing up her Fantasy).

All this will do is take any "shock" value (for you) out of her A being exposed.

In addition, She'll beg, plead & "bargain" with you ......& then when you DON'T go for "her" plan , she'll just resent / blow up on you even more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I agree with your strategy found a reason:

Go to OMW first;
Then Go immediately to your own WW and let the chips fall.

Yo top - fair enough!

You are of course correct that no chance should be given to a WS to warn the OP that exposure to the OP's spouse might be coming. Affair Exposure 101.

Perhaps I should have been more clear if it didn't come across that way. It seems there's a certain "rightness" in confronting the WS first, though. I think it can be done without tipping off the WS that exposure to OP's spouse is imminent. We haven't heard whether he's even brought up the possibility of "someone else" - or I missed his description of this conversation.

Thanks for your different spin. Going to OM's wife first cannot go wrong - it's just harder to do the right way.

WAT

I'll just add that if you can bring and copy some of thes emails here for us to help you go through, we can help you present the facts that are in a light that make them irrefutable. The OMW will possibly be in denial when you show her. You will have to walk her though it, possibly. What might be clear to you, may not be clear to her. That is why if you can bring some of the damning evidence here, we can confirm that you have what you need.

Otherwise, the "hit" needs to be simultaneously. I would even write out a sort of Plan A letter, so that after you expose to your wife, you leave her with the letter. it should say that you love her and want this marriage to work. That you are willing to do whatever it takes to have your marriage be what you both want and need. But you cannot allow her to continue this way and that contact must end with the OM immediately. That you wait at home for her to come and want to work on the marriage.

Now, dont expect her to come home and say "okie-dokie...thanks for ending that for me." Not going to happen. She is going to tell you its over, get it thru your head, I never loved you, etc. Blah, blah, blah. What you should hear is the same as Charlie Brown heard from his teacher "Waump waump waump wah, waump waump wah." Get it?