Hi all. This is a very stressful time for me. My husband and I have been married almost 9 years. Back in fall 2001 I asked husband to leave because our marriage was going south fast. He was very obssessed with making money, never spent any time with me. We were married and had 2 children and never spent any time together. Plus, he had some serious anger issues (not physical)we had tried counseling but he would never go for very long (he has some serious issues to deal with from his childhood. His bio dad signed him over to his mom's new husband when he was very small, he has abandonment issues, etc) I think as soon as therapy gets too painful he doesn't want to go. It was so sad asking him to go, I cried and cried but he left and moved in with a friend. While he was gone I made a male friend who, maybe if things had been different, another time another place, we may have hooked up. My husband found out about this friendship and made more of it than it was. But in his mind it was more and he was hurt. Husband I could see was struggling with this separation and I didn't feel it was getting us anywhere. I wasn't ready to have him come home but was so torn. He came home in Feb of 2002 but things still weren't right. I didn't feel anything had changed. I think if he had just said I love you and want this to work that is all I needed to hear. But I wasn't hearing that and he wouldn't agree to counseling. I think my frustration level had had it. Plus, I was young and I just didn't know what to do. Hindsight 20-20 I would never have asked him to leave in the first place, I would have insisted on counseling. Long story short, I had him leave again in May 2002. This time he had at least one one night stand and completely went into the gutter. It devastated me. I, for some reason thought that if we separated for a while and could seek treatment apart we could start fresh. By this time he was just so angry at me he didn't care what he did anymore. I went to therapy. I was a mess. I loved this man but didn't know what to do for us to be better. We started talking at end of summer and starting having sex again. By the fall the company I worked for closed and in order not to lose the house he moved back in. I do not know if that would have happened at that time if not for my job loss. I thought everything happens for a reason, this is good. But it was not. My job loss through me into depression terrible. And my husband was still resentful. And so the affairs started. By the summer of 2003 he was sleeping on the couch telling me he didn't know if he loved me or not or if he ever did. He said he needed time, he wanted no closeness or touch. I told him I would do whatever it took to save our marriage and give him time. Fast forward to now. He has been on the couch all this time. I have supported him, taken care of him through a surgery last year, given time, prayed. I do love him. But he has had 3 affairs in that time. I cannot prove sex accept in one of them. The others were at least seeing other women behind my back. His cell phone is full of other women's numbers. He has serious problems and needs help. He doesn't care about anyone or anything or who he hurts. He is the complete opposite of who I married. He would rather lose everything rather than get help and face his demons, they must be that painful. I would give anything for him to get help and be a marriage. I would stand by him and help him but he wants nothing to do with it. He won't file divorce because he thinks the kids should have both parents at home. Well I cannot live like this. He has his cake and eats it too. I have filed for divorce and he will be served in a few weeks when the papers are done. We still live in the marital home. This whole thing is so devastating for me. I wanted a forever so badly. And my husband has chosen a life of trash and numbness. I am broken folks. I don't want this divorce but have no choice. How do you get through this? I feel awful and cry and hate him for what he has done and love him too. This last affair, purely sexual as he won't have a real relationship with anyone, broke up another marriage for awhile. OW and her husband are now in counseling to move on but my husband didn't even care that she was married! What a mess for everyone involved. Kids are having a hard time too. Please advise. Any input is good. This is it in a long nutshell. thanks.

Hugs. I'm not sure what advice or insight I can give. I can say on thing you can't force your husband to go to counseling. Somewhere in the middle of your story you said that you should have insisted he go to counseling rather than ask him to leave. Yet, when you went in the past, he'd quit. Try not to second guess yourself.

It will be easier to adjust when your H. is no longer living in your home.

Does he know you've filed? What do the children know?

HE NEEDS COUNSELING FOR HIMSELF, NOT AS A COUPLE YET...YOUR STORY IS SOOOO FAMILIAR TO ME, EXCEPT MY HUSBAND IS IN A 'SERIOUS' RELATIONSHIP. YOU MUST BACK OFF AND LET HIM FIND HIMSELF...LET HIM DO WHATEVER HE WANTS AND DON'T JUDGE HIM JUST LET HIM DO IT BY HIMSELF. IT WILL HURT BUT YOU HAVE TO LET GO AND HE'LL COME BACK OR MAYBE JUST SEE HIS LIFE FOR WHAT IT IS. HE TREATS YOU THIS WAY BECAUSE YOU ARE THE CLOSEST THING TO HIM EMOTIONALLY AND EVEN THOUGH THAT SOUNS LIKE AN OXYMORON, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE HE CAN TRULY TAKE HIS FRUSTATIONS OUT ON...I KNOW IT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT BUT ALL I CAN REALLY SAY IS, BACK OFF...YOU WILL SEE A RESULT ONE DAY BUT IT WON'T BE TOMORROW!!

Thank you for your responses. You are right about the backing off. My counselor,when I saw one for our first separation, plus I have learned this other places, said just live my life and take care of myself. H will see this and either be drawn to it or not, but will feel the pressure is off and find his own way. H thought I was doing just separation but I decided to go straight for divorce because I have obvious grounds and it would save me from paying for a divorce a year from now. when I told H I was doing divorce he seemed shocked. I think he thinks I wouldn't have the money for that. (got it from my family) plus, when I was filing sep. he could still control the situation by continually making me change it and refusing to sign it racking up my fees at the attorney's office. So he was surprised. I have been doing my best not to be [email]bi@#hy[/email] with him. I am working on that each day. Trying to be nice as pie and going about my business. He said he would be moving out when the papers were done which would be in a few weeks to a month. Been keeping track of the history on my computer and everything he uses the computer for has been approx 90% porn and found today he has been signing up for online dating services. So, since it is my computer and my bill I had the password for the internet changed and very nicely told him the password was changed and that if he wanted to look at unlimited amounts of porn and use online dating services he would have to use someone else's computer to do it. I left it at that. He is off for the next 4 days and I am going to go about my business and be cordial. If I block all the pain from my mind I can even be nice. I live in a very small nosey town so everyone knows of this situation which is hard. Mostly because people seem to give me looks of pity. But it can be good too because people will see me stand on my own two feet and not be treated like a door mat. My husband's rep in this town is quickly turning to one of trash. Anyway, he told me he is being deployed to Iraq in January. I do not know how feel about this. I am sad that he could be killed over there and not gotten any of his inner demons resolved. I am relieved he will be out of our lives for a while. I do not know if, after divorce, which seems so permanent I could go back with him unless he got complete help. Divorce, to me, seems like the absolute end. I know during the past 2 years due to all of the stress I have really let myself go. I used to excercise every day, go tanning, look nice. A real blonde bombshell! LOL But he has brought me down and made me feel like such dirt I let it go. This situation has brought me back again! Hurray! The best thing to do is to take care of me and look and feel my best. For me and to let him see what he is missing LOL I have lost almost 15 pounds all ready, back to excercising, and back to tanning. I quit smoking in Jan. and have decided to get a new hair do and go back to my natural color (dark blonde) with light blonde highlites. So I am getting there. I am hoping more and more as each day goes on that this extreme situation will be a wake up call for my H and that as he sees how serious I am and that I am moving on (not with another man but with my life). In the past when we have separated we have actually been able to get along very well and talk and laugh. I think if past separations could have been longer we might have made it. So I am actually hoping, and this may sound wierd, but hoping for a friendship out of this, a different relationship out of this, and who knows what the future may hold after that. Any input? Mlhb