WH called the girls this evening, and didn't ask to speak to me. Either exposure didn't hit today (IE, the headmaster and Chaiman of the Board of Governors didn't speak to WH and OW) or WH is just keeping quiet about it, to deny me my 'satisfaction'.

Guess I have to keep waiting, then. Something is bound to happen eventually!

Alph.

Alph, I read your thread and posts with interests as my WH is also semi-moved out.. although not with OW, but he's holing up somewhere at his friend's place. We are not in contact with each other and have no kids.

Why do they keep asking this thing about being friends after a D?? Do one inner part of them know that they somehow still love us? I told WH I said I think it's not truly possible.. that I wouldn't be able to really let go if we continue and pretend to "be friends". And that I have to go on my own path and pursue my own dreams if we went into D.

~A

Ashley, Ithink infidels want to remain friends after a D in part because they need a positive contribution to their loives from the BS but also because teh BS being nice and reasonable helps them delude themselves that they have behaved inan OK way and that you ae not too hurt by their actions.

I would never speak a civil word to Squid again if we divorced for her to be with someone else , as much as possible without hurting our kids.

But I hope that won't happen now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

bob - you cld possibly be very right... after reading abt some of your story background, I wonder if my WH will ever be "un-abducted by aliens". He's totally 'non communicado'.

~A

Morning, bOb and Ashley!

Before I began exposure (ie when I was 'behaving myself' and not threatening WH's affair) WH would tell me frequently that he wished our split could be more amicable. At this time EVERYTHING was going WH's way - I had agreed to let OW meet the kids, he was ecstatic in his septic lovenest, the A was an exciting little secret etc. I hadn't said a word against the affair or the OW. What he meant, I think, was that he wished I'd stop crying, and making him feel guilty.

I'm split now between completely cutting ties with WH if we divorce, and staying around for the kids' sake. Perhaps it is bitterness, and perhaps it will be hard on the kids, but I can't bear the thought of WH cake-eating. Getting exactly what he wants. I've often thought of leaving the country if we divorce - as well as having a British passport I'm also a Norwegian and a US citizen. If I left here and moved to either of those countries, I don't think there's a thing WH could do about it - even with a court order.

But it would be tough on the kids. But a consequence of their father's affair. I never wanted any of this to happen!

Alph.

Hello Alphin!
I can understand your feeling to want to "get away". My feeling to not even stay in this house a few days after D-Day was so strong, I found myself checking out airticket prices. I was also considering visiting my oldest friend in NZ just to "get away". After going up and down for awhile, while WH was still neaking in and out of the hse, I finally left for a few days holiday with a good friend. That did me a lot of good and helped me relax a lot.

I hope your exposure bit works. I just did another round of small exposure today.. I really don't know how this one will pan out.

Well, TTYL.. I've got another interview to attend. Have to resolve this financial mess my WH created so I need a job pronto. Will post again soon!

~A

Hey, good luck with the interview!

Alph.

Alph,

These are also thoughts that I have as well. I think, that ultimately you have to do what is best for your children. I think that this first means that we have to look after ourselves and make sure that we are doing fine and recovering from the A, and possibly D. If we are miserable we will not be able to give our children our best and the stability and security they need. Second, and first second, children do need their fathers. For a child to feel that their father has abandoned them is a terrible legacy to have to carry.

Perhaps we do need to let our WHs know that if we divorce, we will NOT be buddies. WH will play a role in our children's lives, but not in ours. We have the right to make a new start with our own lives and have no obligation to remain living near our divorced spouse.


For me, it would be impossible to make a new start remaining where I am surrounded by all my ILs. D17 will be off to university in a little over a year. D10 is imbedded with a group of nice friends and a supportive, caring extended family. I would at least stay within Austria.

WH and OW live half a mile up the road from us. I just can't stand this. I know that, unless I get away from here, I'll always be bumping into them in the street, in the supermarket. I feel like they've invaded my territory.

I have a lot of family in the States. It's somewhere I've always liked to visit, but to live there? I'm not sure.

Even the huge upheaval and emotional trauma of a move abroad seems preferable to accepting the situation if nothing changes after plan A/B/D. I've never liked the city I live in, I only moved here to be with WH.

If WH doesn't wake up, then I have a right to a fresh start, a new life, and happiness.

Alph.

Alph
You're a long way from considering that outcome. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Hi b0b,

Yes, it's a long way off. I'm just in 'flight' mode rather than 'fight' mode today.

Must be the lovely weather! Makes me want to move to California *puts Beach Boys CD on*.

I'm off to the hospital today for my IBD appointment. Should be interesting. I've sure got lots to tell them this time!

Wish me luck.

Alph.

Wish me luck.

I won't, but I WILL pray a blessing upon you. Its like wishing luck but with more confidence <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Even better!

Thanks b0b.

My mind, too, will race forward thinking about the best and worst case scenarios. slowly, but surely I am discovering that the best way to regain control over my own life is to live in the present moment.

We will cope with the future as it comes.

Luck and prayers to you Alph on your appt today.

HINY

hi Alphin

Thanks for the good wishes for the interview. IT was an interesting interview but no offers on the table. I was just glad to go for one.. I didn't hear any responses for some time, I was worried no one was even looking at my resume!


Wow -- that's tough. OW hasn't even stepped into my house and just because of the A, I already feel as if she's invaded my household! So I can't imagine what it would be live to have them live so near.

Hope your hospital appt went ok.

~A

Don't let the OW push you out of your house. You should not be the one slinking through the shops fearing to meet them. That's the thing about exposure. Everybody knows what idiots they are. You can walk through life saying this is my jacka$$ H and the malignant tortilla. Tortilla should be afraid, very afraid of you. You hold the good life. She holds the can of oozing, festering pus. Keep your head high.

As tempting as it seems to move, think really, really hard before making a decision like that. Unless it was an amazingly wonderful situation, I wouldn't do it. I have made a major move with teenagers and it is not a pretty thing. If your daughter is in with a good group of friends and you've got good schools, it is best keep her there. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to build relationship with other parents once your kid is a teenager. As our kids move away from us, a lot of parents don't even try to talk to other parents. It's helpful to know people if you're calling around late at night trying to find a child. The bonds you make with other families when your kids are young can hold for a long time.

Your daughters need a dad. Since he at least tries to be involved with them, it would be bad to break that bond. It could make you into the bad guy.

Go on holiday. A little time away makes a big difference.

Expose their affair to her hairdresser, the grocer, the postal worker ... all the neighborhood haunts. Infidelity is rampant, and you never know where you might find some powerful support in the neighborhood.

Have a garage sale (I forget what you call it there ??? a junk sale??)

and call it on the flyers ... "The Catholic School Teachers Infidelity Yard Sale" .... and when anyone asks what the hell that means ... tell them and ask them to pray for your marriage. Tell them your WH and OW are stealing your financial security so you are forced to sell things off.

Get their reputation nice and dirty. Have HER photo ready. it's got to be available in a yearbook or something.

Pep

Pep

I need help understanding this 'scorched earth' exposure.

Most of the people who know about Squids affair could give a [censored]. It was great gossip for a month or two and Squid got lots of 'follow your heart' style Cosmo freaking rubbish advice from clueless GFs. And we lost some pseudo-friends to awkwardness as a result.

Also in my case fear of further 'scorched earth' exposure almost certainly helped keep OM dark.

Finally when EVERYBODY knows, how can WS or OP reputation be damaged any worse by keeping on with their affair ?

How many people do you know who will do anything other than tut tut to 'outer circle' people who are engaged in affairs ?

My advice to folks based on my own experience is to do homework to find exposees with a real STAKE in the affair : people whom the infidels can disappoint and feel bad about it OR people who may well directly impact their lives as a conseuence of knowing about the affair ( i.e. bosses).

I mean Alph's WH is banging another teacher in a CATHOLIC SCHOOL FFS and no-one gives a fat one.

Why would anyone on this depraved earth not directly involved give a sheet ?

And finally, if exposure is successful and the A ends, my experience is that WS feel really bad about their in-affair behaviour but have to live in the community who saw them at their temporary worst. Should FBS and FWS grow thicker skins or move county ?

I'm not saying scorched earth is wrong, just that my own experience doesn't bear out the rationale of it.

Can you help me understand the rationale please Pep ?

At this point it appears that the exposee that is putting the most pressure on Prince Charming is the one who wants his job!