If you guys read my post "new here, this is my story" then you know my story. My question is this. In my D papers, to be done and served in a few weeks, I am filing under "cruel and unusual treatment" as I am in NYS and adultery is still a crime here so you have to have like photos of H in bed with someone,etc. But I can name names and list these relationships he had behind my back. H doesn't know what my grounds are and he hasn't asked because I am sure he can figure it out. One of the names I am listing he doesn't know I know about. I also found a photo in a key ring in the basesment in his stuff he cleaned out of his truck (we still live together). Now, I do not know if I should do this or not. I want to stay up tonight until he gets home from work and tell him I found the keyring downstairs and give it to him telling him I found it and knew it wasn't mine. I also want to ask him about the affair he doesn't know I know about. Should I do these things or just let it be? He is going to know I know when he gets served. He probably has a pretty good idea I know about it now. I know he cannot give me any answers probably but I just want to know why. Why does he do these things? I want to hear it from him. I want to confront him and see what he says. I know it may cause me more pain. The other one was just a fly by night thing and I confronted him as soon as I knew about it. He just cowered and said he didn't know why he did it. But this other one the whole town knew about and it went on for several (2,3,4 maybe ) months and broke up a marriage for awhile. That's why I want to know. Because he not only tore apart our home he tore apart someone else's and he never did that before. I want him to tell me to my face why. Should I or should I just leave it alone? mlhb

If he is having an affair, you probably won't get honest answers from him. But still, if I were in your shoes, I'd definitely want to talk to him before I filed DV papers. I'd want to ask questions, and I'd also need to be sure I was really doing the right thing for the right reasons.

I assume you are for sure that you don't want to try and save your marriage?

MLHB,

You know in your heart you won't get a straight answer, why re-open the wounds for nothing? I mean nothing as in, you won't get an honest answer so you'll get no benefit from it. No chance for healing just picking off the scab.

Personally I'd leave it alone but that decision is ultimately up to you.

If it won't provide any opportunity for healing or closure it is only opening up old wounds for you. If you just want to rake his A$$ over the coals then go ahead but it won't be pretty you know.

RebornMan

M, I personally don't see much coming out of confronting him at this point. I do see that keeping the key ring and sending it to your lawyer as "evidence" might be helpful.

You'd like to know why he's done these things. Your H probably can't tell you why. Think about MC and how he stopped going as soon as it intensified. Even if he could tell you why he did what he did, it won't really fill in the empty spots in you. For those spaces to be filled in, your H would have to stop having affairs and be willing ot work on the relationship.

Basically, I suspect if you confront him, you'll only come away more dissatisfied and frustrated and hurt.

Thank you for your input. I decided not to talk to him last night. But he is off the next 4 days and I don't work so we will probably be here together. In answer to some questions responders had: yes, at this point divorce is the only way. It has been 2+ years that I have given him his space, etc, and he has been on the couch and he continues to tell me nothing has changed. I need to set some boundaries and an example for my children that the way our marriage was was not ok. The affair I just found out abuot, to my knowledge, is no longer going on. She is back with her husband and they have been in counseling because of this situation. They were just married last july and by the fall she was sleeping with my husband? I would say she is lucky her husband, he is the sweetest guy you could know, took her back, and she must have some definite issues to cheat that early on in a marriage. I think I am going to take a different approach than "confront". I have read a lot of stuff through out this 2 year period and one thing that stands out is not to back someone in a corner and attack them. As much as I would like to that is not the impression I want to leave. I would rather say to him that I am so disappointed and that he has accomplished so much, I know he is a better person than the way he is acting. That our children are paying the price, and that they too are so proud of their dad and that pride is going to be gone when, someday when they are older, they understand the things their father did. Just to give him some things to think about. No, I do not want a divorce. I would forgo it all if we could go to counseling and get past this but he doesn't want to do that. I think I will tell him that divorce or no divorce I still love him and that my door will be open should there come a time he would be ready to want to come home and be a family. But that I must set boundaries for myself to take care of myself. And that he needs to find what he wants and what he needs. And that I am going on with my life taking care of our kids, going to school to set up a good future, and healing myself. And that I hope we can be friends through this and always put the best interests of our children first. The divorce papers I am filling are not nasty, they do name names (which, Jon needs a reality check in writing of what he has done) and just gives me what I am entitled to under the law. I told Jon I was willing to be negotiable. But I think the above stated would be healthier things to say and would leave a better last impression of me than if I were to attack all psycho like and rip him to shreds like I would like to do. mlhb