As of lately, my wife has become more distant from me. We have been married for almost 7 years and have 3 sons. She has a few health issues that drag her down from time to time and she started a new job about 4 months ago. She hasn't slept in the same room with me for months, she says she likes sleeping alone on the couch. She said she had gotten used to it seeing how we had 2 of our sons back to back. Lately, she doesn't show any affection towards me. The last time we had sex was almost 3 weeks ago and earlier in our marriage, we had sex 3 or 4 times a week. For the past year, it's been maybe once a month. If I didn't ask for kiss, she'd just walk out the door without a kiss and sometimes without a goodbye. She says "I love you" to our boys all of the time, but never to me. I tell her I love her and she usually just says "Yep".

I have been feeling down and out the past couple weeks because all she talks about is all of her new friends at work including some guy named Dave. She hasn't worked for almost the entire time we have been married and she says it's nice to have friends again. When we first got married I had left all of my friends behind that were girls because she said that guys and girls never stay just friends. What makes it different for her?? Here is an example of what has been transpiring lately. About 3 weeks ago, she said WE were invited to go bowling for a going away party for a co-workers of hers with some people from her work and a couple of weeks ago, it changed to I. She says, "I don't know if I'M going to go. It depends on who goes." I recently found out that she want's to go without me but she didn't know how to tell me without making me mad. She want's to do something by herself for once. Her explaination to me, was that I don't know anyone and she doesn't want people to think that I'm going just to go bowling. Lastnight I talked to her about it and she said that it's just going to be some girls and guys from work. She said that some of the guys would be bringing their girlfriends/wives and some of the gals would be bringing their boyfriends/husbands as if that would make me feel better. Well...I guess I'm not worthy enough to hang out with my wife but other people must be different.

She has never given me a reason not to trust her, but I'm beginning to wonder if she just doesn't love me anymore. I tried talking to her about it and she just says to me, "You're not gonna do this everyday are you?" I have been feeling saddened and sick to my stomach the past 2 weeks pondering whats going on. I haven't been able to sleep or eat much either because all I can think about is her. I sometimes feel like I'm making a moutain out of a mole hill, but when I sit down and really think about it, it is a problem.

I love her to death and I hope we can get through this. I tried to show her how much I love her this past weekend while she was working. I cleaning the entire house top to bottom, cleaned the carpets, scrubbed the tile floors, did all of the dishes and the laundry. I also bought her a dozen yellow roses (her favorite) along with a card. In the card I wrote that I am sorry if I haven't been the best husband but I do love her very much and I'll couldn't live without her. I was looking for a reaction of surprise, a thank you and maybe a kiss or a hug. All she said was "You don't have to spend money on me." and that was it. Not even a glimpse of a thank you or anything.

What's going on? What can I do? I've been considering contacting a marriage professional, I am beginning to think that may be my only option.

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

gtodude, I have a strong sense that she might be in the early stages of an emotional affair with someone from work. This would explain her detachment from you and her unwillingness to take you bowling. If there is an EA going on, then she likely told her coworkers you were seperated and getting a divorce, or some other story. She can't very well have you show up for this bowling event if that is the case. Your presence would expose her story as a lie. [if this is what is happening]

I would suggest trying every which way to go to this bowling party for that very reason. It would show her coworkers that you are very married and it would give any potential OM a chance to see the real live, breathing H. [who has probably been demonized if she is in an EA] It would be a nice little dose of reality to see the real man instead of the fantasy.

You might consider telling her that you are very hurt that she would exclude you from the party and you want very much to meet and get to know her coworkers. Tell her that you very much would like to go and you will set up the babysitter. You could maybe even take her out for a nice dinner beforehand. I would be very insistent that she not go alone to a couples party.

I would then suggest that you start quietly investigating to find out what is going on here. Check her cell phone logs, put a tap on your home phone, install a keylogger. Do what you have to do to find out what is really going on.

If she is having an affair, gtodude, it is likely in the early stages. If you get to it early, it will be much easier to stop it from going any further.

Now, there is your short term strategy. Your longer term strategy is to find out what happened in your marriage that has caused such detachment. A good start would be His Needs/Her Needs and/or Lovebusters by Willard Harley.

But, your first order of business is to a) attend the bowling party and b) start sleuthing to see what is really happening here

p.s. folks don't usually feel this way [suspicious] without a good reason, gtodude. Reading your post set off several red flags with me, so don't think it is just you. You have a very valid reason to be very concerned.

gtodude, ML is right on everything.

It sounds like your W has got to the point where she's choked off her loyalty to you. Usually they do that when their loyalties are divided. When that happens, they are resistant to anything you do for them. This does not happen without the involvement of a third person.

For now, investigate, quietly. Find out about this "Dave" person. And not from her, or from any of her coworkers. Be resourceful, and discreet. Find out if he's married.

And find out what she needs from you. Gifts and help around the house are both good. But if you look into emotional needs, and try to guess at some of hers, and think hard on it, you may realize there are other things she needs that she doesn't get from you. Try to fulfill them as best you can, and try not to show how badly it hurts you if she is not responsive.

Be a perfect husband, and be a man of steel; i.e., don't moan and groan and pout when your wife is cold to you.

Stay here. Post often. And pay attention. We'll help you.

I hope this is nothing, but I expect it is more than nothing. Your gut is talking to you. Listen to it!

If the subject of marriage counseling arises, come here for help choosing one. They are not all the same, and most are no damned good at dealing with infidelity.

GC

Hi, gtodude.

Please listen to MelodyLane.

Adding to the suggestions, first thing Monday, call a florist and order a large vase of very colorful flowers, and have them delivered to her AT WORK. Ask the flower people to write in bold black letters on the OUTside of the card something like "From your loving husband - I LOVE YOU BABY". Make sure that they use a large card, and make sure it contains at least the two words "love" and "husband". Pay extra if you need to.

That should take care of the letting folks know that she has a husband that loves her. Do expect her to be mad and tell you to never do that again. Anger over such a nice gesture will also go a long way toward convincing you that your suspicions are correct.

There are good folks that can help you here. You have already met two of them in MelodyLane and graycloud.

God bless,
Gimble

Gtodude-

First of all, I completely agree with everyone's responses to you to date. I so wish my H was on this forum when I was going through early stages of EA. I think that would've prevented a lot of the horrible things that transpired with my EA/PA. Note - this may not be the case for your W, and I certainly hope that it isn't. However, the warning signs are there.

What you've described is exactly how it happened for me, except the OM was on my tennis league. With tennis, I discovered a new hobby, some new-found freedom and a "friend" who paid a lot of attention to me. To lessen my guilt, I distanced myself from my H. I recall he was so distraught by my behavior, that he packed my bags and booked a surprise weekend at the local Ritz Carlton, complete with roses, champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries, and I coldly blew it off. I was already mentally and emotionally gone. To create a safe environment for my A, I "hung out" with my new tennis friends who didn't know about my M so I can make up any story I pleased. To get closer to the OM, I would make excuses and spend any "alone time" possible and give my H half-truths of what I'm doing and where I was.

Gtodude, I share these shameful events of my past life with you so that you can "see" with your eyes wide-open. And, equipped with this info and the support of the great MB'ers here, that perhaps you can prevent these potentially threatening events from destroying your M. I would not wish the past 1.5 years of my life on anyone.

I wish you all the best.

gtodude,

On top of the good advice you've been given, I'd like to recommend you read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters', as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' and Michelle Weiner-Davis's 'Divorce Remedy'. You may also want to check out the following links:

7 Tactics To [b]Use[/b] During an Affair.
12 Tactics To [b]Avoid[/b] During An Affair.
Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List.

Most of all, keep your cool at all times when you are with your W for just one session of love busters [i.e. angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements] from you will be enough to destroy all your hard earned gains to save/rebuild your marriage.

TMCM