1) Done. He will be dealt with in some manner. Only contacted him to see his side of the story. He confirmed what WW told me.

2) In that process now. Reading everything I can.

3) Understood.

4) I do not trust her. That is one reason for calling the friend, and ask him to detail the night's events. He stood up and admitted to what happened. As far as the hotel, maybe I should say I know there was no sexual contact between her and OM. They could have spoken, I assume they did. I know that she is still in "the fog".

5) I am learning where the line between doormat and Plan A is. It is a process, but I am getting it.

6) learning

7) I will be my own PI for now.

8) OM has no one. I know him fairly well. All close friends know. As does her family (MIL).

9) Not yet.

10) Will do.

Thank you for the prayers and your time.

Hey Dontknow and Bob....

I think you could use some advice from a BS... and a word from a woman's heart... Dontknow ... you really are dealing with her not feeling "worthy of yout love" her encounters with your friend only affirm that in her... you could have been the most amazing H... but after that night.. and her actions clealy show... she was so badly wounded. She needs you to "fight" for her... romance her make her feel lovely agian>> Right now she feels used, damaged, unworthy of your love... she was courted by some one any one... he gave her attendtion and he made her feel loved.. inspite of the fact that she felt so unlovely her self! Yes, that is why whe chose someone so unlike you... and how do unattractive men get a woman... they praise them... the sweet talk... even though they could have "any man" this all they feel worthy of ... and he gave her what she needed... he made her feel special and worthy of love....
AN amazing books to help you understand a womans heart... It is an easy and good read... "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge you will also like the one John writes for men... "Wild at Heart"

I also suggest "Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman it will help you learn to talk the language of your spouse... perfect for winning her back. Start by telling her why you love her and why you are goin gto fight to get her heart back... she needs to know you do not see her as damaged. Good luck!!

This was my story... my H chased a woman (My best friend) who did not feel loved by her H and they were having problems... When he did not feel love from me... he felt it in chasing her... and when she did not feel it at home she chased him.... We are still trying to figure out how we got here and how my Best friend could tempt him enough to be willing to risk it all.


SVB

Here is my link if you care to read it.... No more best friend

Hello DontKnow and Bob

I think you can use the opinion of a BS who is also a woman...

I know you are confused as to why your wives would choose men who you feel are not quite the men that you are... and I am sure that you both are wonderful>> are here fighting for your WW.

DontKnow... your wife is really suffering from her encounter with your friend. She did not want to give herself to him... she was taken.... and this has really caused her to doubt herself yes, she flirted you and she both thought it was safe .... and she is feeling major guilt over that... and with that comes the feeling of being unlovable... it just happens that way... She looked for love where she could get it... What OM gave her was self acceptance... he praised her ... he chased her... he made her feel lovely again.... It so often happens this way! She feels unworthy... he spends time with her ... he enjoys her company and he is chasing her.... courting her....

That is what happened to me... my H chased OW... my best friend they were in marriage trouble and I never knew... She would chase my H to make her feel more attractive... he chased her as it made him feel go. She really enjoyed him chasing her it made her feel worthy and attractive... well when you play with fire someone always gets burned... We are still trying to find out how this chase became more important than his family, her family.... that has caused me to feel unworthy.

You need to affirm to her she is lovely she is worth chasing... remind her if why you married her and why you are "fighting" for her she needs you to fight for her.... She needs to know that you cherish her! That this very day you would marry her all over again... She needs to feel choosing you will be making a new choice. Invite her home so you can "court her" tell her you want to show her how you value her.

Two great books that I can recommend... to help you understand her heart.... Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge John also wrote "Wild at Heart” a great book for men....

I would also recommend you read "Five languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. It will help you learn what her language is and it will help you learn to speak her language so that you know what she needs from you... I hope this helps!!

SVB


If you want to read more....
No More Best Friend

Thank you SVB for your words of advice. Making her feel loved is a very big part of my plan A. As more recent threads show, I am getting the hang of it. But she is very resistant/oblivious to a lot that I do for her.

I have found out since this thread that she is still actively in the PA. I have learned (and still learning) how to enforce my boundaries.

I know she feels very guilty for what she has done, but there is not a whole lot I can do for that right now. Except plan A my butt off.

I have read your story, and know what it feels like when the OM is a trusted friend. I had that on top of finding out that WW was raped by my best friend months ago. This led her to months of depression and eventually contributed to her affair. She needs help in a bad way. She is showing signs of coming around, but time will tell. Only love will get her through this.

DontKnow... Keep cahsing.... Your situtuion is two fold... when you do nice things she is really going to feel guilt! She she threw away your love. It is easier for her to do that than to face the pain of remembering the pain of 6 months ago.. Those are feelings of shame and deep hurt. You remained friends with the man who took from her. Yes, you did not know... she could not tell you. But the feelings of being damaged can not be erased. That night your friend took your wife, not just her physically but mentally.


For her it is now more comforting to invest in a new realtionship. He loves her inspite of the damage... (I know you do too... but you are a reminder of the damage... of where you were) You here first love!

You must chase her.... I have read your posts and I think its great that you are doing things togther. That is the best place to start... Romance the socks off of her... yep that is Plan A... and I think you are doing a wonderful job!!

I would also see if she could give you a month at home... no OM. Just the chance for you to win her heart back... the chace to show you are the man that will fight for her. There is strenght in the memories... and the things you have built together already... corney... but effective... make for her a scrapbook include in it the emotional highs in your relationship... all the good times>>> For H last year for our anniversary I made him a calendar with pictures of us from the past 15 years... every month he had a different pict of us to look at... our memories our special places. Make a move....

One of my faovirte movies... be it corny as heck was 50 First Dates... no Adam Sandler is no expert on love... but he got it... the secret of a great marriage is evey day is a chance to court your lady all over again!! Do not let one day go by where you do not remind her of why you feel in love with her.

You have a lot of pain to help her deal with.... You are a reminder of that night.... it is less painful to start over.... but every woman loves to be chased.... Chase her.... Email her your wedding picture and tell her why that was the happiest day of your life... You have more happy memories to share with her than this other guy!!

So glad that the IC is going well.... I hate to admit to anyone that I actually look forward to those times... Most of the time I come out with so much more to think about and a burend on my heart... but yes, I feel like I am not a lone and that the feelings I have are normal...that I am not the first person on earth to ever feel this way>>

Its a painful process... but I could not walk it alone...

You have my thougts and prayers!!

SVB

Thanks for the encouragement and advice. I watch 50 first dates like once a week. I love the idea of that movie.

Sorry I missed your thread bro. Guess I'm kind of caught up in my own problems. How is it going? Any changes or reasons for hope? Like I said I kind of feel like we're rowing the same lifeboat. I'm rooting for you just like I do for everyone else. I just feel kind of like our situations are similar and I'm hoping that yours turns out the way you want. Hang in there, I added you to my prayer list.

CD,
I have been away from the computer for a while. I am definitely making some progress. It seems like there are a few moments when the fog lifts and she sees reality for a moment. But she puts the wall back up. Almost instantly. I really miss my wife, it is nice to see her from time to time. Instead of the cold, angry, distant person who has taken her place. I am really getting the hang of plan A, though. It is only a matter of time. But I have learned that a successful plan a is measured in months, not days.

Thanks for the prayers. I am starting to pray again, so will add you to my list also.