I would gladly change places too. The pain is a lot to bear. I cannot compare my pain to someone else, whom I do not know.

I thought MB was for anyone wanting a healthy marriage, not just for betrayed. Please forgive me if I am incorrect.

ember

Lara, you're entitled to your feelings. POJA with your spouse. Stay here if it helps you, whatever your decision.

Our over 2y of NC was due entirely to the mother acting unreasonable and rude ie "crazy". We will not allow her to cause us more trouble.

Although contact has resumed, the xow is respecting our boundaries.

Good luck,
J

You know, I have been on here asking people about C and how it has worked or not worked for them. Trying to get ideas about how this will go, learn from others' experiences, but if you and H have chosen NC, then why ask? What could you learn? There's nothing to do. It sounds to me like maybe you are just looking for others to co-sign your decision, perhaps that's why the questions offend you so? If this is a decision that you and H have made together whole-heartedly, then so be it. Many people do this when it is result of A. I guess you feel justified even though it wasn't, OK. If H is in agreement, fine.

But don't ask us to understand, we don't, unless we've been there. I am probably one of those people who would tell you to RELAX before your baby goes into get tubes in his ears. I am not a fan of people who act like "it's all about ME!" Yes, it's upsetting, it's not what you bargained on, but it's not the end of your world. It really could be worse and perhaps if you could take the focus off of yourself for a minute, you might gain some perspective on the situation.

Colday, What do you mean if there is NC you don't need advice there is nothing to do? There are pros and cons of NC just like C. Lots of people on here have stories about NC - some good, some not so good. Let's face it NC w/ OC doesn't just happen -- just like NC w/OW for most of our H didn't just happen. It has to be a concious decision and acted on. I think this poster was looking for experiences on how that worked out.

Regardless of where this child came from in her life, he is an OC to her and that sitch requires the same steps the rest of us have had to take.

1. DNA test 2.CS 3. C or NC 4. Move forward

I am really disappointed in how Larabell's posts were treated on this board. She came here looking for some advice and a place to vent and instead was ambushed by an angry mob. It really makes me question putting myself and the details of my life out there on this board. I have always found such comfort and good advice here but in no longer feels like a safe place.

This forum isn't perfect, being just made up of a bunch of people; there aren't many trained therapists posting here that I'm aware of. I didn't see that for the most part she was treated disrespectfully, but was asked the same kind of pointed questions that have helped many people look at their situation differently. That's what advice is supposed to do, as opposed to just patting one another on the back (though there's a place for comfort and consolation, too).

Asking advice in a place like this, or anywhere for that matter, requires a willingness to accept it and the corresponding possibility that you may not have figured out the right answer. On the faceless internet in particular, one needs to put on a thicker layer of skin to engage in these kinds of discussions, and some people don't do well with that. To me, this situation looked more like the result of an expectations gap than an ambush.

TTMIW, I guess I just don't understand what needs to be discussed if a couple chooses NC. When H and I decided on C, now we had to think about all the ways that could/could not work well for us, how to tell our children? what kinds of visitation? setting limits w/OW? If there is NC, what do you have to deal with? I'm aware that not all WH's stick to the NC agreement, but, then, that's NOT NC. I guess I can understand the question in "how did the decision play out for you, in your marriage, in your own heart? or something like that, maybe that's what she was asking.

I don't think I ambushed her and I think her situation IS different, but I guess she doesn't feel that way. I DO think she's making it a bigger deal than it is, but if she can't deal with it, that's her decision to make. The difference between a child who came before ( whether you knew or not) is that the OW and WH chose to lie and disregard the BW feelings and children. There were no lies, no sneaking around, no threat. The mother of this child did not try to "steal" H away from W, she doesn't "want" your H at all costs. She's just asking for some "help" to raise this child. And finally this child is NOT a representation of how her H broke her heart. It is different.

Ok, after having read almost all the replies, and most of Lara's posts before she deleted them I think that I know what's happening here. Lara's nose is out of joint, because she feels as if we don't "accept" her here. But, what she doesn't want to hear is that she is NOT in the same position as the majority of the posters here. There was NO affair, and therefore, this child is NOT an OC. This child is a step child in every sense of the phrase from when it was first coined. This child exhisted, whether the H knew of it or not, BEFORE Lara was even in the picture. I, for one, feel that, yes, she's in pain and is angry, but it is NOT the same as those of us who have experienced the actual betrayal of an A. Do I feel for her situation, of now having to decide what to do about CS and C/NC, but I don't know how to respond, since in this case, there was no A.

As for the comment about MB being for ALL, yes, it is, but the P/C portion of MB deals with the A/BS/WS/OW/OC and those who are dealing with these issues. You can't have an OC without the A, in my opinion. So, the statements about what this board is for, well, you need to get to the right place for your situation. I know, there aren't too many where you deal with something like Lara's situation, but to come here, and have someone give honest feedback and then have the person attack, or run away with their tail tucked under, well, it just bugs the crap out of me. Heck, she deleted all her posts like a little selfish child! She didn't want to hear what we had to say, and so took away everything she had to say.

I think that Lara could have gotten the help she needed here, but she didn't want to hear that her pain IS different than that of someone who is dealing with the A/OW/OC. I still don't understand why she feels betrayed by her H, since he didn't have an A. And, from the posts that I do remember, the xGF had to file for CS because she was on state aid.

I have been around longer than others, and not as long as some, but I know that in my almost 5 years on the board, I have never seen this situation, but if you are willing to listen to those who have dealt with the CS/C/NC, please come back and post, but don't start freaking out when someone says that it's NOT the same as an A because although the feelings names are the same, they run on a completely different track.

[color:"red"] AMEN! [/color]

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!
As if you have nothing
better to do than bash me!
I'm glad you all are finding
such joy out of all of this.
Just please stop...
YOU ALL HAVE MADE YOUR POINT VERY CLEAR!

AMEN, Larabell !!!

Are you kidding me? Did you think that your H was a virgin before you met him? I'm sorry, I did read your ORIGINAL post before it was deleted, but I have so many things running thru my mind right now that I cant remember what exactly happened...I think that your H had a GF BEFORE you even knew him...in which he conceived a child...then about 7 years later, the XGF wants CS? is that correct?

I'm not sure why you are so upset? Wait, I understand that you are upset that you H has another child, but why are you so upset with all the posters here? We are dealing with enormous pain...something that you CANNOT even imagine going thru...you cannot even begin to relate to it UNLESS you have lived it...

What you are dealing with is an XGF and and XBF who made a child...I'm not sure if your H knew about the child or not...but that is not the issue...The issue is that there is a child...your H's child...you are the step mom...take it as a blessing...

And yes darlin I do have better things to do...I have three kids to raise ALONE...I have a lawn to mow, I have a household to take care of ALONE...I have drs appt to go to ALONE...I am also in the middle of a Divorce with my H...I have to mend three broken hearts because their daddy wont spend time with them...I have to listen to how my oldest son wants to beat up the OW because she took his father away from his mommy...

and NO, I do not find joy in bashing people like you...what I do find is joy in seeing people like you who do not have to deal wtih the everyday pain that I am dealing with...and I hope you NEVER have to deal with it...It is not fun being a single mother...so count your blessings!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JUST STOP. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!
As if you have nothing
better to do than bash me!
I'm glad you all are finding
such joy out of all of this.
Just please stop...
YOU ALL HAVE MADE YOUR POINT VERY CLEAR!

[color:"red"]uuhh....Larabell, noone is bashing YOU-> this is NOT about YOU.

The C/NC debate has been around forever, way before you came here & it will continue long after you & I have left here.

Calm down a bit. We don't know you personally, only the little bits you have chosen to share. It's really nothing personal, it's only what we think about this situation.

This debate is NOT about you, please remember that.

This thread offers differing POV, for sure. And that can be helpful for others who may someday find themselves in a situation like yours.

THese are hard choices, not to be taken lightly so it is good to hear, view & consider all sides of it.

relax.
kt [/color]

OK....First start by saying if your situation does not involve an affair of some kind, don't post here and expect to get any respect. We of the board don't think you have any ground to stand on and should be ashamed of yourself for even posting here....
I was in a hard spot and not really sure of what I was going to do. This board was the closest thing to what I was experiencing. I wasn't thinking clearly when I posted and just wanted to hear about everyone elses position in a C/NC situation. I didn't ask for you to be harsh to me or make me feel worse than I already was. I needed a support group not what it turned out to be. I don't feel I should have to appologize for my situation not resulting from an affair nor should I have to appologize for the way I feel. I still stick behind if you weren't going to offer a bit of comfort to a woman in shock or grief, then you shouldn't have answered....in due time you could have eventually told me WHATEVER it was when I was able to "take" it.
Fine. Continue with the whole C/NC issue..(bet there may be "lookers" who are in my sitch and now will no way in h*ll put themselves thru this).......but is there atleast ONE of you, good posters of my thread after it was deleted, feel the need to start a new thread of this, instead of everyone Larabell this Larabell that....

Larabel - IMHO, you need some individual counseling. It may help you gain perspective on your sitch.

I have been in counseling with my pastor since this whole thing came about. He married us and knows us very well. I also am seeing a therapist.

NOONE said that. We did question you but you refused to answer & explore any of our questions or comparisons hwo the situation was completely different.


Understandable. The posters DID give you various opinions on their postitions on C/NC, unfortuneately, you did not like the answers.


No, you don't have to apologize for how you feel. Own your feelings, noone can make you FEEL anything. I also take the right to own my feelings towards the situation as well. I respect yours but I don't get that from you.


What does 'comfort' look like to you? No one disputed the fact that it was a shock to you & your marriage. Everyone can & did sympathize w/ that.


See, now it is you who have become angry & defensive over the fact that we disagree w/ you. NOONE is lashing out @ YOU. But rather pointing out the differences in how/why we came to our decisions & the differences in yours.

THere are lots of good posters here. A few have become my e-friends. WE do not always agree w/ each other & have soem very distinct & opposite views on thigns but they are still my friends. BUT they earned that title by being upfront & honest w/ me NOT by only telling me what I wnat to hear.

Maybe it is just ME, but those are the ones who earn my friendship & trust, those that are willing to tell me the truth, even if it might hurt.

Your right, maybe you are too new to the situation in your life to see the BIG picture. I think that is why most here came along to 'enlighten' you. WE ahve been in similiar situations & already went through the shock & grief & have learned a few things along the way. WE are farther along in this process than you & honestly, were trying to HELP you to see 'it' w/o having to learn the hard way.

Again, your posts come back to being all about YOU. Which most of us have learned, these situations rarely are.

Hope it all works out for you. Stick around. I'm sure your experience & advice will be valued by the next newbie.

Continue to read all the articles on this site. Aquaint yourself w/ them, they are very useful for marriages. Understand the POJA, LB, love bank ect, fill out the questionairres & discuss them w/ your spouse. They are great tools for strengthening & growing in your marriage.

~~~~~
kt

Saw therapist!! I am sooooo glad I did! I didn't cry or get upset until he told me that I wasn't overreacting and that I wasn't crazy! I thought, Oh thank God! He said that I am going on pure maternal instinct and I am protecting my young and my home. HE said from just the little bit that I told him, that this woman WAS hoping (with the help of my MIL) that H & my relationship would be rocky so she could come and swoop him up and take him away. That I had every right to feel threatened. And that he agreed that my problem is not with the child but with HER!! Where we live you can not give up rights to the child, which I really do believe is a good thing. BUT for now, no contact is probably the best solution. Things change and CAN change. BUT for the sake of me, H, and my family....we are to keep MIL & HER at a distance. He said that no this did not result in an affair but I had valid points for feeling the way I do and that there was nothing wrong with that. My H did keep the whole thing a secret (HER, Letter, Phone conversation) until paperwork showed up and he was busted. NO he didn't commit infidelity but he did hide it and hoped it would just go away and THAT is why I felt betrayed and so forth.
So, yes I am in a different situation than most of you....I think every one has a difference to them even when your situations are almost the same. Yes, I am thankful. Yes, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.