I just turned 25 and my husband is 29. My husband and I have been married for a year as of June 11th. We have been together for a little over 9 years. After about 7 months of marriage things seemed to change.

It was a simple incident that caused a big amount of heartbreak for me. I have always been one who has had a sence of humor. And one night my sence of humor caused him to snap at me for something stupid. This isn't the first time he has been snappy at me. So I began to wonder what was wrong with him. I asked him if he was mad about something work related, if he was tired or if something else was going on. He replied that nothing was wrong and he was fine. So for a month I let it eat at me and tried to figure out what would make his reaction snappy towards me. I asked if he was tired of my joking and he said no. When we would go out we would end up in little arguments that just brought us back home instead of finishing what needed to be done. I finally decided that there is something about my joking that he has began to dislike and as hard as it is for me have limited my joking around home and save it for being around my friends and at work. But not being able to be myself at home seems to be eating me up and It has come to the point where I don't want to be at home. I have talked with him and explained that I have become unhappy and I get " well I want you to be happy" end of conversation. I wrote him a letter expressing what I was feeling and didn't get any reaction from that. It is hard to talk with him sometimes because over the years I have known that he is the type that if you same something to him he will instantly do whatever it is that was mentioned to make up for it but it isn't something he sticks to it is like he does it right there and then once and thinks everything is "fixed and forgotten about" (This is why I won't do marriage counselling.) Or if I am upset he would go out and buy me things, I explained to him that materials will not fix things. Buy me something just because not just when I am mad or upset. So then my birthday came up last week and he didn't get me anything, which he normally does. Little things about him are changing.

It got to the point where I got tired of trying to tell him something was wrong. It is hard to convince someone that something is wrong when they believe everything is fine. I became emotionally drained trying. I know he loves me and I love him but the longer things go unresolved the further I seem to be distancing myself.

On a more personal note: Although I have always been one who has not been the intimate type due to past personal issues, he has always alteast tired. These past 3 months he has not even tried to be intimate with me in any way, we go to bed at seperate times where it used to be if we didn't go to bed at the same time he would atleast come lay with me.

The only thing I have been able to come up with is that maybe he has become comfortable in the relation ship and thinks that we have been together so long and are now married that he doesn't have to worry that I will go anywhere. I have not thought about divorce but I have thought about time apart.

Do I seem like I am over-reacting on this?

It seems like you 2 need marriage counseling. When you can not communicate there will be a spiral down effect that won't just go away but make matters terrible for both/Children etc. Talk to a pastor to refer you both to a good counseler in your area. Since we are all built different there is no easy formula to ask your spouse to go to counseling. Be tactful and stress he is not at fault but you both need a recharge. best of luck...

This raised a red flag for me:


What kind of jokes were these? Sarcastic jokes, or any kind of jokes abotu the other person, even with the best of intentions can be the death by a thousand cuts to a relationship. Individually, they don't seem like abig deal. But they add up. And the spouse feels obligated to participate, but on the inside is just getting more distant and more distant...

I'm not sure if you've read up on the love bank and are familiar with BC, but you
should read up on the Q&A and BC material on this site.

I used to have a "rapier wit", and loved to toss in little zingers. Danger, danger, danger. I still like to kid around, but now it's in a way that we're both comfortable with, and avoids the things that make her uncomfortable.

Your H may be in withdrawal, which is the most dangerous state to be in relationally.

Anyway, my 2 bits. You really need to read all teh BC and Q&A material on this site and get yourself educated... There is much good material here.

Thanks, Jaye and 2be for the replies.

My humor is not anything self directed. The joke was something about How I too would take fast food over my cooking. simple as that. But the problems have become bigger at the fact that no matter how much I tried to open up to him and get him to open up to me and just tell me what was bugging him and he wouldn't. I became emotionally exhausted trying. I guess the more he wasn't trying the more I have quit trying. I have asked if he feels insulted or anything about my joking and he said no so something made him snap and I don't know what. I have tried to open up again and joke with him but nothing I say seems funny anymore. I have read some of the site but not all, I will begin doing that. Again thanks.

What about outside stresses? Business concerns? Work anxiety? How about medically? Think something there that he just isn't willing to share?

People won't share for a couple reasons. 1) They don't feel safe. Nobody's goign to share intimate details if they think somebody might hurt them, or mock them, or whatever it is. 2) Abuse/withdrawal. They withdraw and put up barriers to protect themselves.

This correlates with the withdrawals on the lovebank as dr. H talks about.

I find it hard to fathom that 1 joke about cooking set this off, there has to be more to it than that.

Your H may be a conflict avoider (or yourself as well), and so he's not going to say what he really thinks, because perhaps he doesn't know how to handle himself under stress in the relationship, or something along those lines.

And maybe he just doesn't appreciate the humor. Or he finds it tiresome. Or he doesn't think you're as funny as you think you are. Maybe he finds it boorish, or rude. (You may not think so, but it isn't necessarily about what you think, it may be how he perceives it.).

Those are some starting points. Dr. H has a book out title His Needs Her Needs or Her Needs His Needs, can never remember which way it is, that may offer some insight as well.

Don't hesitate to post if you have more questions, MB people are here to help.