hurting wife,<P>OK, I refamiliarized myself with your story, and read your other thread... I remember now what your story is... It's very tragic and very complex, isn't it?<P>Your and your husband's experience is so far from anything I've experienced that I feel sorta unqualified to give you any kind of advice at all, but well, that never stopped me before... So here goes...<P>First of all, you never mentioned how long his emotional affair lasted. But I tend to think that it carried on after he said he wouldn't see her anymore. At least for a little while. They probably made some sort of agreement that they would always and forever love each other or some other romantic thing like that.<P>When she died, I think your husband went into severe denial. That's why he made up that whole "we're gonna be together in the next life" thing. It was a way for his mind to cope with the loss. So he started having this fantasy affair with her from beyond the grave.<P>I think it's taken all these four years for your husband to come to the realization that she really is truly dead. But he's still making up rationalizations in his brain (by saying that God told him he must let her go). All this stuff makes me conclude that your husband might indeed have some sort of mental illness, for which he needs treatment and medication. I know you said he won't do anything of the sort, but that's my (totally unqualified) opinion.<P>As far as what you can do about your relationship... well that all depends on how far you think you can stick it out. In my opinion, dealing with a spouse who has a mental illness is similar to dealing with a spouse who is paralyzed. How long would you stick it out? It's a really tough question. When faced with a paralyzed spouse, most people would not hesitate to say that they would remain loyal, but the picture becomes much more murky when dealing with mental illness.<P>For the short term, it sounds to me like your husband is in the midst of withdrawal. When a betrayer is in withdrawal, they are not really capable of really working on the relationship and committing their emotions again. Therefore the brunt of the work falls on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. That's really unfair, I know, because of the hurt that the betrayed spouse is also going through... but unfortunately, that's usually the case. Hence, you feel like you're the only one rowing the boat.<P>The only thing that someone in your position can do is continue to row. Continue to put in your work. Eventually the withdrawal ends and he will pick up his own oar. But you must have patience, and when you think you have no more to give, then you must still give some more. Beats me how anyone in your situation can really do it. You have to think about yourself and ask yourself how much more you can put in.<P>And with the added potential problem that your husband might be mentally ill, this is an extreme burden on you. Let me ask you something (cuz I don't remember if you said this or not), are you currently seeing a councellor? If not, then you should. It's perfectly acceptable to go alone. Check out the councellor referral link on this webpage.<P>I really don't know what else to say to you, hurtingwife! Except that I hope you start to feel better and that your husband can come out of his depression and get some help!<P>keep me informed!<BR>--andy

Airheart,<P>Thanks for responding. First, my h. is adamant that the affair did not carry on longer than what he is telling me. He met her at school (we were both attending collage there) and we both immediately dropped out after discovery. After reading your reply, I hit him up about it again. He says they did not swear undying love to each other-he says he never even told her he loved her. He never kissed her. As for how long the affair went on before discovery, he won't say.The things he doesn't want me to know, he'll say he can't remember or why are you dragging that up. I thought we burned it (we had a fogiveness ceramony in which we burned these things). He keeps saying it doesn't exist for him anymore-whatever that means. As if saying it can erase the fact that it happened. I don't know.<P>Anyway, I don't think it went on too long. He apparently met her at school in the fall of 89(she was an entering freshman fresh out of high school). It was our second year. I discovered it in December. He started treating me badly in October-cool, distant, etc. <P>You mention severe denial when she died. He claims that several months before her death God gave him a vision of her and me hanging from cliffs and said you can only save one. He chose me. Within the year, she was dead. Also, the night of her death, he had some wierd dream that he seems to think influenced her death. Could this influence anything? SOmetimes I wonder if it is guilt he is feeling, not love. He told me, at one point, he felt responsible for her death.<P>I just don't understand why he chose me if it was her he loved. Or why he didn't leave me if the attraction was so strong. We don't have children and with my betrayal... what would have kept him with me if he didn't love me? She was single. Am I just grasping for straws here?<P>Yes, I am seeing a counselor. He's never met my h. but from all he's heard he told me he thinks my h. still does love me but is terribly confused. He said if my h. didn't love me, we wouldn't still be together after all this. He thinks I hurt my h. profondly and,at some level my h. may have been using this to get back at me. No one expected this death and when it happened, my h. may have had a mental break-and that's why he was hearing her voice. Yesterday, when we were talking about it and I was telling h. I just don't understand if, the affair was only what he claims, how he could be so obsessed to carry on some relationship from the grave. When I looked at him, he was smiling as if he knows how bizzare it sounds. I'm not saying he didn't feel anythng for her. I found poems he wrote her. But I do think that the image he holds of her is more fantasy than reality. How can you know someone you really never spent quality time with doing things? I think her death caused him to put her on a pedestal-like James Dean or something. I'm just really confused. I teter back in forth between thinking this entire thing is so rediculous and being in complete depair because I don't know how real it was or what the truth is. He says she was a light that came into his darkness (apparently, the darkness I caused him). Thanks for listening and for any more insight you can offer.<P>hurtingwife <p>[This message has been edited by hurtingwife (edited September 26, 1999).]

hurtingwife,<P>I'm afraid I'm not being much help to you, am I? Sorry. I wish I could help better! What your husband feels just seems so... weird to me. Hope that doesn't offend you... <P>I think all of your assessments of your husband's thoughts are probably right. But in any case, it does sound like he is going through some form of withdrawal now, from the way you describe him. And what I told you about withdrawal still holds. Spouses that have to deal with withdrawal have really hard work ahead of them until withdrawal gets over with. For now, you're stuck holding the ball...<P>I couldn't tell you why he chose you over the OW. Maybe deep down he knew it wouldn't work and that it was wrong. It sounds to me like your husband does an awful lot of fantastical rationalization in his mind. It's not really normal sounding to me. I mean, do you really believe that your husband could've actually caused OW's death just because he chose you?? Your husband seems to have a knack for making everything some sort of tragic-romantic-fantasy thing out of a novel! Your councellor might also be right about the hurt you caused your husband after your affair. It's too bad your H won't see a councellor of his own. <P>BTW, I'm glad you are seeing a councellor. Do you think he's doing you any good? I think it's kinda important that you look after yourself and your well-being.<P>sorry I can't be more helpful!<BR>--andy

Andy,<P>Thanks again for responding. I am not offended by your remarks about my h. Believe me, I know how bizzare it sounds. I keep picturing one of my friends coming and telling me these things about her h. and how easy it would be for me to conclude there is definately a problem in his head. But its so hard to admit that about my own h. Don't ask me why. He seems to live and order his life by signs and the inner voice he claims to hear. My fear is this is the same voice he calls God who showed him ow was his perfect soul mate. Although, now he says he doesn't think she was his soul mate. He still will not say it must not have been God who brought her into his life, though. Sometimes I think his affair is with the voice, not ow. When she died, he had to justify how God could bring her into his life and then so abruptly snatch her away. He can't seem to admit he would sin against God. I asked him why he chose me in that vision and he said 'because I was meant too'.<P>I know he did not cause her death, but he does seem to think he has some form of magical thinking...even still. Its very troubling to me.<P>Lately, he has been claiming to not remember saying many of the hurtful things he has said in the last eight months. He claims he wants the marriage and says he thinks its possible to love me again (eight months ago, he didn't think it was) so I guess I should be thankful. Anyway, thanks for listening. None of my family or friends know and I rather they didn't. Its none of their bussiness. But it helps to hash it out with someone. Yes, my counselor is helping. He's hoping eventually my h. will soften to coming. I'm praying for it. Anyway, thanks for the listening ear. It does help.

hurtingwife,<P>Well, in spite of it all and even in the face of all the weird things you've been through, I think you two might be okay in the marriage department. There are good signs for you. The fact that he thinks he <BR>can love you again is a very good sign.<P>It is awfully troubling the way he rationalizes everything in his life. I knew you didn't think your husband was responsible for the OW's death, but it sure sounds like he thought so... I truly hope he gets some sort of help for that sometime down the road. I don't wanna keep harping on that, but it's just not normal. I understand that it would be very difficult to admit that your own husband could have a problem. I think I'd have exactly the same difficulty! I couldn't imagine how I'd react if, say, my son was mentally ill or something... Very scary. Noone completely understands that stuff!!<P>I guess the only thing you can do is go one day at a time. I know you were saying your love bank was getting emptied... Would your husband be willing to listen to you about your emotional needs and try to meet some of them to make you happier? If he thinks this website is silly, there's no need to mention it by name. The methods are still valid... And if he really wants to work it out, then what does he have to lose...?<P>talk to you soon,<BR>--andy

I'm really wondering what you mean by this "withdrawal" thing. That is a horrible thought for the betrayed. My H is having withdrawals from OW? Maybe the newness of the relationship that isn't there anymore when you've been married a while? Well...NEWSFLASH, we all miss that, but love should go deeper than that. Are we really making excuses for the betrayer. Sorry...but I'm feeling very angry tonight and I hate feeling like I have to cater to my H when I'm the one who was hurt. That sounds like such a cope out sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he should be so glad that I took him back that he should be busting his a** to keep me. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow. Just needed to share.

Lynn,<P>I totally, completely, absolutely understand where you are coming from!!! You have every right to feel anger at the unfairness of the situation. And I know that dealing with your husband's withdrawal has got to be almost as painful as discovery was. I know that was the case for my wife!<P>But the facts are that if you show your anger to your husband, if you demand that he make changes, if you expect him to be "busting his a**", then you will do nothing but heap love-busters at him. And we all know what that does... It sends him right back to the arms of the OW.<P>Is this fair? NO! Is this right? NO! But that's usually what happens. Now I'm not saying you have to completely hide your feelings or become a door-mat. But you cannot love-bust, and you must try to start meetings his needs so that he will start feeling good about you again.<P>Hope you understand... <BR>--andy

Andy,<BR>I'm not sure if we'll be alright or not. You see, its locked into my brain now and will not get out. I can't seem to get past the fact that my h. felt that somebody else was the love of his life, and worse, that God arranged it all. Its been ten years. If he was going to feel differently, wouldn't he by now?<BR>I've fallen into some sort of depression and all I can see is darkness. I don't see a future anymore. I am so obsessed and can't seem to focus on anything else. I'm going to demand he go to counseling with me-not for him but for me. If he truly wants me to get past this, if he truly wants me to be alright, if he truly cares anything about our marriage, I need him to go to counseling with me and help me get passed all this hurtful garbage that he has put in my head. Lovebusting or not. Shouldn't he be willing to be the h. he ought to be if he truly cares about me and the marriage? <P>I feel like the last ten years of my life have been a lie? What's real here? How could he decieve me into believing he was someone he isn't (and not just me, both our families and firends...for ten years?). Am I nuts here, or is that impossible?<P>And just for the record, he does (or did) think he was responsible for her death- he thinks his dream caused her boat to tip over. You know, her boyfriend died trying to save her life-wouldn't that make him her soul-mate seeing their destiny was together. If my h. is going to look at signs why can't he see the obvious ones?<P>My h. is making up his own theology and is unteachable at this point-he's a man who claims to want to serve God, who prides himself on being a spirtual person. He's the only man I know who God allowed to have an affair on his wife and didn't call it sin (besides george Harrison-he apparently thought it was okay to wife swap). I'm venting here...I am so angry and hurt. I don't even know if I want to stay married to this man. Maybe if I leave it will wake him up out of his delusions.

hurtingwife,<P>I feel so bad for you and I wish there was something I could say to you!<P>As far as your comments about your last 10 years being a lie, well those could have been words coming from my wife. She said almost those exact same things!! You see, this current affair isn't the only one I had. My first one was over 10 years ago. I told my wife that I never loved her ever since then, not like a husband should. All terrible stuff for her to hear. And she reacted exactly like you are.<P>The one big difference in your case is the odd way your husband's mind works. To which I have absolutely no light to shed for you. Gosh I wish I did!!<P>You have to work on not obsessing about the way his mind works. Yup, it is very weird, but there is nothing you can do about it. However, there are some encouraging signs. He has said that he thinks he can love you again right? If you keep thinking about the OW and him saying that she was his "soul-mate" ordained by God, then you'll always be depressed. Maybe his mind will work out (when his withdrawal is over) that God has ordained that you were always meant to be his "soul-mate".<P>I don't know really what you should do... But at least try to end your obsession about what you can't control (basically his thoughts and emotions).<P>Anyway, feel free to ignore my advice (I'm basically very unqualified to help you at all!!), but continue to vent if it makes you feel a little better!! <P>--andy

Andy--<P>I have a question for you. You say that you don't love your wife like you should, but then you say that you have no problem in the sex department. I'm only asking because I'm actually getting some feelings back for my husband (it comes and goes), but the hardest part is the sex. For me, I feel I need to be emotionally connected to my husband to really get into sex. <P>Is this a guy thing or do you really have feelings for you wife? Do you feel emotionally connected to her at all when your having sex? At least that could be a start. <P>Maybe for men great sex can lead to feeling emotionally connected, where as for women feeling emotionally connected can lead to great sex.<P>Sorry if this is too invasive of a question...you don't have to answer!<P>Pam

Pam,<P>It's definitely a guy thing... <P>I'm hoping that the fulfillment in the sex area will lead to an emotional connection, that is for sure (sex is a high emotional need for me, not number one, but probably number two on the list). But so far it hasn't happened. In fact, I'm a little ambivilent towards this, because I'm unsure if the change in our sex life is permanent, or will only be around until I'm happy again. I'm not sure if my wife is doing all the extra erotic things to spice things up temporarily and only for me, or if she's actually really enjoying our new-found experimentation... <sigh>... Well, she says she likes it anyway.<P>But about the emotional connection thing, I never had sex with the OW, so I guess that's not what does it for me.<P>--andy

So, Andy, your'e saying you feel no love for your wife? That is so hard for me to grasp. If you haven't loved her in ten years, why did you stay with her? It seems selfish to me. Doesn't she deserve to be loved by someone one who thinks she is terrific?<P>My h. told me it had been ten years since he had romantic love for me. He told me this eight months ago when he made his confession. Last night, however, he said it hasn't been ten years. He does not know how long but he is trying to believe and feel I am the one for him. He said he doesn't think ow is/was his soul mate now and he does not feel he is in love with her. He also said he did not love her more than he had loved me (before he said he did). So his story is changing. He said he has gotten selfish over the past few years and started doing his own thing. He's always told me I was his best friend-even after he confessed eight months ago. I have no idea what emotional needs ow could have been fulfilling other than admiration-she chased him for God sake. A little eighteen year old chasing a 32 year old married man. What an ego trip.<P>Your emotional affair was real, Andy. I'm not sure how real my h. was. Did you ever kiss either girl? Was your first affair emotional as well? From what I can remember, your ow chose to go back to her boyfriend, right? If she hadn't, didn't you hint that you would have continued on with her? My h. ow was single. She pursued my h. at the beginning. I'm sure it was only infactuaion with her. My h. chose to forget her and stay with me and I remember him saying afterwards that he was a fool to almost have given me up-this is back in 90 shortly after discovery. Also, did you love your wife in the beginning with that passionate, all consuming, can't get enough love? That's the way I loved my h. and I feel he loved me at one time. I can't imagine ever feeling that way for someone else. <P>He won't go to counseling but he has agreed to read Give and Take with me and apply the principals. We already do the policy of joint agreement. That's what I don't understand. We have a great friendship and caring relationship for each other. And in all these years, I couldn't tell he was pining for someone else. There was no clues. And I did check up on him. I saw a charge on one of our cards from a flower chop once and I called. Turned out he had purchased music there (he's a big music buff). I checked milage on our car-all those kinds of things for a few years after the 89 discovery. Any clue as to why the peices of his story are changing? <P>I hope things work out for you and your wife. She must really love you to forgive two affairs. I assume she knew about the first one a long time ago. Doesn't that mean anything to you-that she loves you like that?

Pam & Hurtingwife,<BR>Sex is a guy thing for most guys. I am weird when it comes to sex which I prefer to call it love making. Sex makes it feel trashy because that is how society refers to it. I have only been with two women in my nearly 37 years of existence. With each I had committed to the relationship until death we parted. Though my W has cheated on me several times, I still only want to be with her. For me it falls into the category of praising God. Why? Because God gave us those feelings, needs, desires and it is out of my love for Him that I attempt with the ability He gave me to plaese my W. However, Satan always throws a monkey wrench into the picture because he fools us into thinking that pleasing ourselves is more important than pleasing God through our love for others.<BR><P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Professorg and Airheart--<P>It's not like I can't enjoy sex...it's just that I wish I felt more emotionally connected when having sex with my husband. You know, like looking deep into someones eyes and feeling a special bond...I felt that with the OM, it was very intense and I want that feeling back again.<P>Pam

Pam,<BR>Did you ever have that feeling for H?<P>You have me at a place where I haven't thought of before. To me it sounds much like the in love thing which I have never been in love with my W. I went straight to unconditional love and by passed the in love state. Please understand that I am not belittling your feelings. I am trying to understand because I hadn't thought of nor seen (understood from talking with or reading a post) this one before. If it is the in love thing let me know because I currently don't know where to place this one in my head.<P>MONDO HUG!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited September 28, 1999).]

I suppose I had those feelings at one point when having sex with my husband, but it has been gone for so long now. It might have something to do with the in love thing. Maybe that deep emotional connection feeling when having sex only happens at the beginning stages when you are falling in love.<P>Sex has definately changed between my husband and I. I believed it was getting better because we were experimenting more...doing different things, being more erotic. Maybe we've changed the way we have sex to make it more exciting, but I think another reason is that it takes your mind off the fact that it's not as meaningful anymore.<P>It's really difficult to explain in writing. I think what I'm trying to say is that being more erotic with your spouse doesn't necessarily mean being closer. Sure it makes it more fun...but I'd rather have run of the mill sex that was meaningful and deep instead of erotic, kinky sex where you don't connect emotionally. <P>Actually, I don't even kiss my husband that much while having sex! We used to be able to kiss for hours on end! GOD, how I miss that!! I don't see myself ever having that again with my husband...I guess that's just the nature of being married!

hurtingwife,<P>You touch on alot of the stuff that I've been agonizing over for the last few months!!! <P>Is it unfair for my wife that I don't love her? She wants to work on this just as much as I do. I think it is more unfair to not give it a chance that it will work. Especially for my son! He would be crushed. He is very sensitive. This mess has already affected him. He's much more moody than he used to be. In a sense, yes, it is unfair that I never communicated my feelings in all these years. But we're trying like hell to make up for that. I hope we can do it. I've been torn up about that very thing the last few days. In fact, last night I wept in my wife's arms because I was so depressed that I didn't love her.<P>I want to get back to your other questions, but I'm pressed for time. I'll respond later tonite.<P>Also, I will respond to you as well Pam.<P>--andy

hurtingwife,<P>Okay, I'm back with a more complete response to you...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>So, Andy, your'e saying you feel no love for your wife? That is so hard for me to grasp. If you haven't loved her in ten years, why did you stay with her? It seems selfish to me. Doesn't she deserve to be loved by someone one who thinks she is terrific?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't exactly feel no love for her. I do love her. But I don't feel that deep DEEP love feeling. I feel more like she's my really good friend but not my lover. Why did I stay with her? Well, for all these years, I wasn't really sure what was going on. I figured the way I felt was just the way it was in marriage. Also, we have a son, as I mentioned, and that is just a huge deciding factor on my part. There was no awareness or feeling of being selfish in my staying in the marriage. Really, there wasn't even an awareness that I should do anything. I just sort of... existed for the last ten years. Hell yes, my wife should've been with someone who thought she was terrific all those years. But I didn't feel like she thought I was all that terrific either. Maybe she did, but she didn't show it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Your emotional affair was real, Andy. I'm not sure how real my h. was. Did you ever kiss either girl? Was your first affair emotional as well? From what I can remember, your ow chose to go back to her boyfriend, right? If she hadn't, didn't you hint that you would have continued on with her?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I never kissed the current OW. Never even held her hands. My first affair started emotional, and turned physical.<P>My choosing to stay with my wife was rather complicated. After she discovered my affair, she was going to divorce me. I told the OW about it. She freaked and told me she didn't want to see me anymore. I freaked and told my wife I wanted to work on the marriage. And as I thought about it more, I realized that I really did want to stay. I couldn't leave and ruin my son's life. I couldn't be that selfish. If the OW had NOT freaked, I might have let the divorce proceed. My wife was extremely angry, as you very much expect. If I made no move to reconcile, it would be over by now, probably. Or maybe I would've realized my mistake eventually anyway... Who knows? I'd rather not think about "what ifs"... It drives me crazy, to tell you the truth.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Also, did you love your wife in the beginning with that passionate, all consuming, can't get enough love? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I'm sorry to say. I never really had that big passionate love for my wife. That is one of the reasons I'm so scared now. I'm hoping so much that I can get that, but I just don't know. I did have it with the OW. So I know what it feels like. I want it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I hope things work out for you and your wife. She must really love you to forgive two affairs. I assume she knew about the first one a long time ago. Doesn't that mean anything to you-that she loves you like that? <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I hope things work out for us too. Desperately! And yes, it does mean alot that she loves me like that. I wish I could translate that into love for her!!<P>I'm not sure, hurtingwife, why your husband's story slowly changes. As you know, your husband's mind doesn't seem to work the way the rest of ours does. But it kinda sounds like he's having delayed reactions to everything. The things he said to you before (that he hasn't loved you in 10 years, that he loved OW more than you, etc. etc.) are all typical things that betrayers say when they are in the midst of the fantasy of the affair. The things he is saying to you now sound like a betrayer who has realized his mistake and is now willing to work on his marriage. Not saying this is what your husband is really thinking... just sounds familiar to many other stories on this board.<P>take care,<BR>--andy

Andy,<BR>you say you love your wife like a really good friend. Do you feel that you can love her with the love you desire? My h. told me he loved me like a really close friend also. Big love buster for me, I'm afraid. Last night in our discussion he said it was more than that-whatever that means..more than a really close friend. I don't understand why you married you wife if you did not love her as a lover. By the way, don't you think after twenty years that deep DEEP love feeling would change no matter who you were with? Becomes more mature and committed love? Was your son born yet during your first affair. If not, what kept you two together?<P>I guess I'm trying to figure out my h. feelings for me. He loved me enough to endure a betrayal. We don't have kids-so he hasn't stayed for that. The disheartening news is that I saw my counselor this afternoon and he really believes my h. has a mild case of schizophenia. H. brother is a diagnosed parinoid schizophrenic. There is much more to my h. thinking then what I've revealed to you. I'm not really sure how to deal with everything that has been laid on me in the past eight months. I still love my h. but I think I'm going to need to feel connected to him in order to feel happy and he has made me feel so disconnected with his hurtful words. I know he loved me once. He once told me that all he wanted was to die in my arms-this when he thought he was losing me. I want his love like that again. I'm praying for you and your wife. Please let me know if anything positive happens to your feelings for her. I'm sure she is a terrific woman.<BR>

hurtingwife,<P>I truly don't know if I can discover true love feelings for my wife. I only know that I have to try.<P>Yes, I agree that the romantic-love that is felt at the beginning of a relationship eventually changes into a more mature feeling of love. But, doesn't it have to start with something?!? That is what I've been depressed about lately. What should I do? You're not suggesting that I should leave her are you?<P>I've tried to figure out why I got married to my wife. I was kinda emotionally immature back then. I was only 21. When we started our relationship, it was a few months after I had broken up with another girl. This other girl was an extreme head-case. Very insecure and jealous. We fought constantly and I always had to walk on eggshells around her. When I met my wife, she was almost completely the opposite. Very self-assured. Very confident and poised. I guess I saw those qualities and went with it because I didn't have to be so worried about everything. We dated for maybe 9 months, then we broke up. We were actually broken up for about 6 or 7 months. Then for whatever reason, we saw each other. We went out for my birthday (supposedly just as friends), but one thing led to another and we slept together. In my mind (and hers) that meant we were a couple again. I just sorta went with the flow. It was easier to go with everything than to question whether I really loved her or not. I've never been one to closely examine my real feelings anyway (well, until recently that is). I didn't have that crashing all-consuming love, but I only felt that once in my life at that point (with my high-school girlfriend... and I sorta dismissed high school feelings as being immature... after all, what the hell did I know in high school, right??)<P>So basically, to make an extremely long story short, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.<P>My first affair started before my son was born... I think I stayed with my wife because I knew that I would not be happy with that first OW. She was rather a wacko. She kinda stalked me after I broke it off with her. Well, I acted weird back then too. Who knows... Did I mention that I'm not really the most stable guy in the world when it comes to love? (that's why I chose the name "airheart"... kinda like "airhead"... get it? <har har> ).<P>Sorry that went on so long, but your questions kinda deserved the "long" answers. <P>I gotta go cuz my wife's getting miffed that I'm spending so much time here, and I have to help my son with homework...<P>talk to you again later,<BR>--andy