BP, I think you were more accurate in your description of what I meant.
WW was always exactly what I needed/wanted for 27 years and I thought the same was true in reverse. It was a siren song from a predator she couldn't resist when she had other horrible challenges to deal with in her life.
In her own mind she can't remember who she was or find her way back there...she feels pretty badly right now, recognizing that I'm the collateral damage.
What HAS happened though, is the disclosure to family and friends has brought everything into the public eye and made her aware that people now see IT for what it was...an A, and not mine either. I would imagine this hasn't improved her image of herself at all. If she holds me responsible long term for this then we don't have much of a chance and I wonder how much water will have gone under the bridge by then???

regarding what your WS and the OP is telling you:

I followed up with the OWH this weekend and found out that while the OW is telling my WH they are in the process of getting the D, her H told me that is not the case. In fact, he is seeing her tomorrow to discuss possible ways to WORK ON THEIR MARRIAGE! I also found out their anniversary is this week.

Talking with the OWH has proved to be both a little cathartic and revealing. I also directed him to this website and recommended the book Surviving an Affair, as it's what has been helping me through this chaos.

A few more recent developments now. I think I have turned from Love to Hate. This scares me...I didn't think in my worst nightmare I could hate my W.
I believe it when she tells me she has ended it but I also know she wants to keep the bum as a friend. That doesn't work for me and she can't see why it matters so much. Is she stupid?!
I am putting the finishing touches on the house before I put up the "For Sale" sign. This is going to be a significant event for me. The house was our dream realized. We had to wait 15 years for both the availability and the money. Gone with the rest of the garbage...
One thing that has come out of exposure so far, is at least she knows to be more careful at work. Even the men were starting to notice the two of them spending a lot of time together.
So where do I go from here? I have done a 180 in my mind maybe. I couldn't think I could live without her and now after 10 months, I don't know if I can live with her...or that I even want to.
This must be a normal reaction but it has taken me by surprise.

Brian, keeping the OP as a "friend" or work contact "only" is a ruse used to by the WS to continue the affair. She is calling it that in order to get you off her back.

It sounds like you are ripe for Plan B. Have you done a pretty good Plan A?

Brian, Hiya buddy! It's pretty confusing to follow what your WW is actually up to. Is the A over, cast in stone gone or is she still in idol worship mode? Funny but when you described her I had an image of myself 25 yrs ago, knocking on doors, wearing my knee length skirt, passing out Watchtowers and Awakes. People change. Whatever she was, she will be again. Personally I'd be suicidal if I'd done what she has done but that's why I never did it. I know my limitations to cope with the fall out. So, watching my H live with no other choice but to make the best of it - I'd say they can be as good, if not better than they were. Humiliation of that magnitude has to be good for you. H is extremely eager to keep me happy too - which you might find endearing once you get used to it. Sit back and rest on your laurels for a while? Eventually (3 - 5 yrs down the track) you will have a new respect for each other. Geez sometimes I cr*p on... but it's my recovering self trying to emerge. I can see the way now - it will never be the same, but I think it might be better than your alternatives. "Better the devil you know..........."

In a rare moment of male insight (sorry!) H said he wouldn't do it again because he'd recognise the self deception he used to BS himself into the mess that eventuated. He said he wouldn't want to be that out of control again - apparently, after the event, a lot of WS come to feel they weren't having such a good time after all ....and it just wasn't worth it. A bit like alcoholism I guess?!

AN

PS may I respectfully request that you reconsider putting the house on the market? Are you certain that you won't want to stay there if harmony is slowly restored to the Brain household? Hubby and I were thinking of coming over and bumming on you for a week or two - sure sounded a nice place. Just kidding! Hey, 10 days till we get back to our house in OZtrailia. It's a nice house and with some TLC it will be a great house. Just hope we can make some happy memories there before senility sets in! Now there's a cheery thought. Sheesh!

Nice to see you back again! Are you in a StarBuck's with an internet connection lol?

We have been having the occassional blow up in the last week or so...mostly because I spilled the beans on her.
I think she is in idol whoreship (sp) mode. Last words out of her mouth was she will never come back to this house and frankly, I don't want her back into what was our dream.
I know you have been having a hard time as of late dealing with your own internal conflict. I think it would be easier to just wash my hands of the whole affair and move on....it's 9 mnths now and the anguish only recedes when I imagine her gone. I love her but I don't like her very much.
I think OM has dropped her for now and she feels like she has no friends. I'm maybe responsible for some of that and she is taking it out on me.
I need to be able to decide in my own mind if I can ever go back...(well, that can never really happen...innocent I'm not) or if a relationship built on a rotten foundation such as ours is now can ever be good again.
Right now there are a couple of ladies out there who look very nice. It would be a lot easier to not dwell on the past if the future looked rosier. I know you have been faced with the same choices. I am conflicted.
Nice to see you back again! If I know you want to visit I'll delay the for sale sign !!

It seems you are more confused that the last time we talked? I agree with the others about exposing her. You don't owe her anything at this point. It's a moving target isn't it? Trying to pin down where you are in your head and in your heart and her giving you every encouragement to move on. Poor thing doesn't know what she wants probably.

Brian, I'm sure there are more than a couple of ladies out there who are very nice. This is your call! I think we all work so damned hard at coming to terms with it but actually I don't think we were meant to recover from infidelity. I hurts too much - I think nature makes it that way so we will move on. Diversity of the genes etc. Infidelity is so unbelievably damaging that it makes us want to run. And yet we linger with hope and yearning for our old familiar lives. Thinking about it, both our relationships were in "attachment" stage for a very long time. Apparently it goes; Lust, infatuation, and then attachement. When one party drops out it leaves the other hanging. big time! I hear your anger but I also hear your desperation. We assure ourselves that we are still good for someone else. And so we are. But partly that's us salvaging our pride and defending our honour. It sux! But I still believe there is hope for you and Mrs Brian!

BTW Starbucks doesn't have internet access here but there's another wonderful coffee chain (Pacific Coffee) that I'll go to but I will feel such a dill sitting in view of everyone reading Marriage Builders threads. We are moving into a Hotel on Thursday.

You take care. Where will you live when the house sells?

AN

AN, I'm not sure I'd say I'm more confused. If anything, it's less. Maybe just less optimistic about our future together. I think it is more that it helps me now to feel a door closing behind me. At least I don't feel like I'm standing on top of a cliff with a gale blowing all around ...I have an anchor of sorts. Even if it's only the thought of a pretty drastic Plan "B"!
One of the last things she said was she wanted to be/remain friends....how can you be "just a friend" of someone you've been married too for so long?
The A activated my fight/flight response. Adrenaline levels are high all the time, as you know, and that gets tiring. The "Fight" part of the equation maybe hasn't been given much of a chance and right now "Flight" sounds a lot easier and it's the choice where I know I can become whole again. I think lol!
Desperation IS a constant companion, isn't it? Although I wouldn't be spreading the genes around at my age, it's still nice to think about being close to someone.
WW called about an hour ago and wants to come out and talk tonight. I'm sure it's going to be about drawing up a seperation agreement. I wonder if my agreeing to it in principle last week got her thinking about it?
I'll let you know how it goes!
Chime in everyone and shine a light on my road for me....it's dark on this path.

Briannn,

There is a famous quote that applies to this situation;
Don't worry about your feelings for her so much right now. It is time for plan B. You have disclosed the A to the aproproiate people. You have hung in there for many months. Put the house up for sale when YOU are ready to and start to make plans for your life.

On the whole these things sort out, but there is a lot of healing that must take place. You cannot make this happen ONLY she can decide and perhaps she will not. It would be a shame to end a marriage of this length, but it really is not your call at this point. You may do the filing but it will be her actions and decisions that lead to it.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

JL...I am working on indifference as it's preferrable to hate.
Keeping "feelings" out of the mix is obviously very difficult. I work on being remote at the very least.
Time does heal.....there is no denying that and I will be given the opportunity to have time work for me. WW isn't in any rush to change her ways so for now we are at a stand off...she's not coming home and I won't let her come home.

I wouldn't have imagined this in my life, even in a nightmare!

Plan "B" now, eh? No contact except for the unavoidables.
I think I've made it so easy for her since all this started in that she didn't really have to suffer too much....I still made sure things were done for her when they needed to be done. That is going to be a bit different for her now.

The house is too much money for one to carry and since she has no interest in contributing anything to the mortgage it needs to go. And at that point, she won't be coming back!!

Expose, expose and then expose some more! If you can afford it…buy and ad in your local newspaper! By radio and TV spots! Tell everybody that will listen…just be factual! Tell it without open hostility or intent to defame.

Look, when confronted with a lie…and that’s what cheating is…the “good man” confronts and exposes it for what it is. You don’t just do it because that’s all that a lie deserves…but because that’s what’s required of a moral man…it’s required! Nothing less.

To Para-phrase Edmond Burke (I believe it’s Edmond Burk) “…all that’s required that evil to flourish is that good men be silent.” And that’s true for little lies as well as big black ones.
Coach

"What gets to me though is she doesn't seem to have a problem being part of his harem. That isn't who I remember being my wife!"

I could have said that! Wait, I have said that. My FWW suspected OMM had other bits on the side too. Yet she never let it bother her much. She still pursued him, waited when he went dark many times and consistently behaved like a willing member of his harem.

That's not who I thought my W was either. But her A lasted 10 years. So maybe it really is who she is after all.

Regarding exposure in general: http://www.dearpeggy.com/secrets.html

The only exposure that has had continuing repercussions (and I received the most vicious attacks after exposure you can imagine) is with my own family. They think I’m nuts for still trying.