Brand new here, although separated since April and H's affair took its toll in January. Life has gone from good, to hell, to uncertain. I don't know which way to go, and what to do that will get him to think about what he is doing and consider whether this route makes sense.

I found out about the current affair in Feb when an old girlfriend took the time to rat him out and pass on the new girlfriends phone number. It was a crazy, crazy time. At first H said he would immediately end the affair, but by the time he returned to our state, he had had another change of heart. We started MC at the end of Feb and H moved out end of April. Therapist was absolutely useless "maybe I could have delayed him, but ultimately he was going to do what he was going to do. He has to find himself, get clear about what he is doing with the rest of his life" Thank you very much for spending my money and kicking me in the head!

At beginning, H was very sad about leaving. Crying on the phone etc. But now he seems to have found his grove, and I am getting more and more confused about what I should be doing. We tried an overnight together two weeks ago, but I was tense and so was he, so I don't think much positive occurred. I was hoping for a new opening, a new opportunity to connect, but instead I felt he was very closed emotionally and just trying to figure out what he wanted also.

We have been married for 20+ years with two still young kids. We definitely had marriage problems, sex or should I say "no sex" being the biggest one. But probably for me I feel most that he emotionally shut himself off from me several years ago, and nothing I could do seemed to help. I learned to avoid conflict with him, but now I don't think this helped the situation. In spending the night with him, I was hoping to make a physical connection that would be a bridge builder for a further emotional connection, but I don't know if I acheived anything.

When we were going to the counselor I asked him why he left and all I got was "it's complicated". His original desire in going to the therapist was to have a "safe place" where he could share the negative with me. Now he says I know ALL the negatives, but he still is unable to either talk or write about his issues. I know men aren't big on communications, but I feel so in the dark I don't know whether I am going out the door or waiting for him to walk in! HOW can I get him to give me a chance?

Should I avoid him -- drop the kids off at Mickey D's for visitation? He says this will just turn him further away. Should I continue to be physical -- this is a painful route for me, and I worry that I am just digging myself a bigger one. H offered to go to sex therapist, but then I hear that sex therapists don't want to deal with a couple unless they are committed to one another, and obviously this isn't the case. This whole thing is just so sad. I never thought we wouldn't be together our entire lives. I need LOTS of good, experienced advice or I am liable to go on making one mis-step after another. Please help!

Tupelo (had a cat named Tupelo when I was a kid), I hate to see a post go unanswered so welcome to MB. Do I read this correctly that your H is on his 2nd A? How long was the first one? You only found out because the first OW told you about OW #2?

Ok, read up on plan A, get the books Surviving An Affair or Torn Assunder. Read the basic concepts on the site. Click here to read WAT's guide for Betrayed Spouses

Keep posting and asking questions.

Tupelo-

Faithful is right, you need to start implementing a strong Plan A.......it sounds like your separated, but you can still do a separated plan A.

Incidentally, don't listen to things your WH (Wayward Husband) says right now....he's foggy, he doesn't know what he wants, you have to be the lighthouse.

-Caren

Tupelo,

We need some facts here. Is this his first A? How old are you two? How many kids? What ages?

Tell about the A and how you know? Do you know where the OW lives? Have you read MB site? About Plan A & Plan B? Is he living apart from you?

I am confused about OW. Is he gone from you and living with OW and trying to still have sex with you? That was confusing to those new to your story. Please explain some details about the R he is having with the OW.

Thanks,

HINY

thank you caren and faithful!

I have been trying a Plan A as I understand it since this started back in Jan/Feb. I was so successful that WH moved out. HOW do I say the right things, do the right things.

And yes, he had an affair prior to this one. H has been very private man for years. We had an earlier round of counseling back in 2000 and I was told by then therapist that I had to allow him his own space, etc. I did. He had two affairs cause I was giving him SO much SPACE. Even now, altho he tells me that I know ALL the negative, I can't help but feel that I don't really know him, even though we have been married for 20+ years.

From about 2000 until 2002 H had major depression and was thought for a time to be bipolar. With many meds, seemed to stabilize. At same time he was struggling with being overweight and tho he did many diets, nothing seemed to stick. Had bariatric surgery in Jan, just before he went off on his 1st trip to find self. I get so angry when I think of how I bent over backwards to help him during depression, give him space, etc. Last year at this time he almost died from an infection. Who was there fighting with the hospital to get him the best? Dumb old me your original rug!

All of this anger is what is making Plan A hard. I miss him, I love him and I am very mad. One day I think divorce yes! Another day, I want to try to reconcile. How about plan B

Dear Hopeful:

I am 54 and WH is 56. We've been married since 83, infertility problems and adopted two children in 91 and 96. WH states he has only had the two affairs since we married, but its really anyone's guess. He was very sexually active when he was single (100+ different lovers) and when I look back I know I wondered whether his past would be his future -- but until the past several years, had no reason to suspect anything. Two biggest problems for us: lack of sex and lack of trust. I suffer from a condition called interstitial cystisis which is a chronic ulceration of the bladder. Intercourse is difficult but not impossible. H's overweight status and sleep apnea machine also affected our love life. Trust issue is his. He comes from a family of alcoholics, both parents and both sisters. Mom had a passive agressive relationship with him, and even in death stuck it to him. H doesn't drink or use drugs, but I think sexual addiction could be a factor (altho he and therapist insisted he was just a "normal guy". I always felt like I was in a hall of mirrors when with the therapist!

The first affair was back in 2003 and seems WH ended same in 2004. Current affair begun in December 2004. I have done some research on OW but can't determine if she is divorced, separated etc. Know her age, number of kids and where she lives (new england area -- I am great on internet research, you wouldn't believe what you can learn with alittle time). Began over the internet, don't know how -- WH very protective about his passwords etc. He has made three trips to her area and she has come down 2 times I think. He says he is "very attracted" to her but some things about her bother him (which I thought was a weird thing to say about a person -- made her sound like an object). OW is big into feminism, and H always sells self as a feminist, but his attraction to submissive sexual pix and bondage pix has always made me think he feels inferior to women and needs to dominate. As you can see, I can really run on and one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ok. I can see I have missed some questions you all asked. WH moved out in April to live by self. OW lives hundreds of miles away. WH tells me that the separation is what he needs to decide whether to recommit to marriage, or go his own way. Therapist validated this thinking, even though I specifically told therapist before deciding to work with him that I wanted someone to HELP us with the marriage, not to decide about the marriage! WH also said he would want to be dating me during the separation. Prior to overnight we had several movie dates, some passionate kissing and an interrupted intimacy (kids). I just found this board today, via divorce busters board. I guess I was hoping that being physically intimate was a good place to begin, but the feedback I am getting makes me wonder?

Tupelo,

I am not sure what to tell you from the information you have given. I know nothing about sexual addiction. So I will bump this up for you and maybe someone who is better in that area can help you out more.

HINY

Before even delving into anything further with reagrds to getting your WH back, you should think very long and hard about this statement above. Get some PROFESSIONAL counseling and advice with reagrds to this type of behavior. Knowledge is power.

LM

Lemonman:

I don't know what to say. We were married more than 20 years ago, and his pre-marriage sex life wasn't a problem for our first 20 years. I did mention my concern to the therapist, but got no special reaction. I wish people would READ the entire posting, rather than react to the last message.

Red flag for me too, tup.... sounds like a SA (sexual addict) to me too...

Read up on it and see what you think.

Don't have much else to offer as I am heading for plan D now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I, too, am Md to a SA and wonder if he will ever recover! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Tupelo.

My background includes many 'lovers'. I lost count back then, but 'hundreds' would work. Thirty years ago, I had cheated on my (common law at the time) wife probably 40 times. I had character issues and a high sex drive. I was not a sexual addict, just a player.

The past doesn't have to be the future, and might not really play into the problem, other than he obviously has a high sex drive, and his primary emotional need was going unmet.

The issue with the domination tells me that he still has a high sex drive, but that he probably has some performance issues, and in order to get things going, he needs stimulation beyond the 'normal'. The problem with him allowing himself to go there, is that the types of behaviors he is engaging in can be very addictive, and potentially very destructive.

The difficulty for you will be to address his sexual issues and try to win him back. The principles of Plan A (negotiation of the end of the affair(s)) can still apply to your situation.

Please read the articles on this site and let's talk some more. Sex is a part of life and marriage. Don't get too spooked by the problem.

All the best,
Gimble