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Joined: Sep 2003
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Hi,

I'm posting right now because I'm trying to figure out what exactly I am doing with my life right now, and how I'm going to move on with things.

Three weeks ago, my wife, who I married when I was 18, as was she, left me. When we married, we had never been happier in our lives - it was a match made in heaven, I've never met anyone like her before in my life. The love we shared for the first year of our marriage was the magic made in movies alone - everything was perfect. We were completely and utterly in love, we would gladly die for one another. Everynight we shared an intimacy unrivaled by anything I've ever witnessed or heard of - I was the luckiest man alive.

Then, things began to change. All of a sudden, the girl who had told me that I was her soulmate, and that she couldn't wait to spend eternity together was telling me that she didn't know if things were going to work. The same girl who told me that she couldn't live life without me in hers, and that I completed her was telling me that she didn't know if she loved me anymore. Then, a mere month after trying for our first child, and confessing her undying love for me; proclaiming that she was the happiest girl in the world, she left me to go to her mom's house. Three days later she told me that there was nothing I could do to make her love me again like she used to and that things would never be the same.

Over the past three weeks she has not called me once - her emails went from huge essays to small sentences. She stopped signing them "love" and every message I have gotten from her sense is completely void of emotion. She expresses no need nor want to actually contact me; it seems as if she does it out of necessity and not because she wants to. She has ended her last three messages with an unemotional "I hope all is well."

I've told her that e-mail is incredibly impersonal and that if shes going to be away from me, we need to at least talk on the phone. She expresses no desire to see me in person, and when I told her that not being with her was the hardest thing I've ever been through, she simply said, "Its not that bad".

The betrayal that I'm feeling inside hurts so incredibly bad, I don't know what to do. I don't understand how someone's emotions over the course of a week can go from being hopeful that problems are going to get fixed into complete emotional seclusion. I could never treat her the way she's treating me, not even if I tried to, or if I was completely pissed or angry. I don't understand how a love so incredibly strong that I used to see in her just disappeared off the face of the Earth like the last two years have meant nothing.

I know that its impossible to put this issue into perspective, especially because no words will ever express how strong our love for each other was, but I find myself lost every morning I wake up, wondering what in the hell I'm supposed to do with myself.

I want more than anything to let her go, and I'm trying to hard to - but I think the thing that is hurting more than anything is the fact that I had the girl of my dreams take back everything we ever promised together when we got married. Its like shes taking our dreams, our hopes, our love and somehow (which I'll never understand how) is just locking it away in some box that only she has the key to.

I want to go out and have fun, and I want to go see friends; but it seems as if nothing I do takes away the hurt and the betrayal. I've never felt so incredibly empty in my life before, and I don't know how or what I'm supposed to do about this situation. She wants to get together soon to talk about how we're going to go about divorce or whatever it is that she wants to do - but I don't know how I'm supposed to, or am going to be able to act around her when I see her. She acts like nothing is wrong when she emails me, and hse seems completely void of heartbreak, whereas I'm the biggest wreck I've ever been in my life.

What am I supposed to do? How do I move on? How do I tell her that I can't simply sit around and be her friend; how can she just discard all of this like it never meant anything; because I know at one point she loved me more than life itself - she showed it in a lot of ways.

There were signs in our relationship, and we both saw the problems - but it looks like she was the only one serious about letting them tear us apart. We tried going to counseling a few times, but when we got there both times they were closed, and the thought of counseling just sort of disappeared. I'm in counseling now, and I've taken steps towards fixing a lot of the things that she didn't like about me - but in her own words she said, "I don't think I want to put anymore time into us that I already have. Most of the time I feel like the damage thats been done is irreversible" Which makes me wonder then, how I'm not feeling this irreversible damage after the heartbreak that I've felt during our trying times. Is her love for me not as strong as my love for her is? I asked her to come with counseling with me, and she simply said "Just because you're doing things to better yourself as a persond doesn't mean things between us are magically going to get fixed."

She says all these things, yet she hasn't even tried counseling...I've been trying so hard for the last three weeks to "win my wife back" and I will continue to try until she divorces me or otherwise, but I'm only asking about advice to get over her because, no matter how hard I seem to try, and how strongly I know I love her - seeing myself toil so hard to fix myself and to show her that I love her more than anything and that I want things to be good between us again (especially because I've seen how amazing we were together) when she won't even try anymore makes me really, really depresed and its not good for me.

Like you, a lot of what upset her were things I was doing. I too had a hobby that I stayed up at night doing during the later part of our marriage and she went to bed alone (which now when I think about it I feel horrible about). I started letting my hobbies have more time then we had together, and when we would get into heated arguments I would say things I didn't mean.

I've never meant to hurt hr on purpose, I love her more than life itself - hence why I married her. I'm just trying to find a way for her to give us a chance - becauce not only do I think is she cheating me by just throwing it all away before we've even tried fixing things with professional help like counseling etc. But shes cheating herself and the vows and the dreams that we shared. At one point in our marriage she was so incredibly in love with me and wanted kids so badly - I dont understand how she can just throw it away and not want to "try" to give things a chance.

I was 100% serious when I told that i wanted more than anything to be the best husband and father for her and our children that I could be, this has been a learning process for me. I didn't come into our relationship knowing the answers to anything when it came to marriage problems or fatherhood, let alone husbandship - these are things I've come to know through the good and bad times that we've shared; and I'm scared more than anything that she won't even give it a shot. I will do everything I can to save what we have as long as I live - as long as she's willing to try.

Is it safe to assume that just because she isn't signing her emails "love" and is talking about divorce, doesn't mean she doesn't still love me?

I would write her a letter; but shes gotten to the point that whenever we talk and I try telling her that I'm serious about changing and that I want her to know that I'm serious about not doing it again - she gets irritated and almost angry with me, telling me that she can't stand talking on the phone with me because she always feels like the only reaosn I'm talking to her is to try to get her to come back.

I don't know how to get her to go to counseling or give me a shot without her getting upset with me. I want her to be happy, and I don't want to piss her off by pushing this issue - but at the same time, I really think we owe it to each other.

Im also in a very tough spot because, as a Christian, I strongly disagree with divorce, unless adultry has been committed etc. However, her mom and dad divorced when she was young and she has been around it her whole life. She is living with her mom right now who divorced when she was 19 "because she was too young" - sound familiar? The guy she was married to was an awesome guy but she gave up. Then her mom remarried and had Shannon; then 10 years later divorced again. Now she is in her third marriage with a guy who she hates more than anything - he uses her and treats her like garbage, but shes made nothing of herself financially in life and has to stay with the guy because she has nowhere to go. My wife's sister went through divorce as well. The only times my wife would talk to her mother about me were when things were going bad, and so now they have a warped understanding of who I am, and mixed with their bouts with divorce and beliefs on divorce, my wife is constantly being bombarded with the belief that divorce is the only means of solving problems in marriage. Her dad and step-mother who love me to death never talk to my wife, so the only influence that shes getting right now is one of hostility towards me, even though the things I've done are in every respect repairable. I'm sure this isn't helping her outlook on our marriage any. I just don't know what to do.

I found out about a month ago that she has been talking to a guy she slept with when she was 17 and he was 26 (...ugh) before we were together for about a year now behind my back. She was sending some people emails saying how a year ago when things were going heavy in our relationship and she was thinking about leaving that this guy that she has been talking to told her she could go move in with him - she said no because she wanted to work things out in our relationship at the time, and she expressed how she would have now because "she feels like she is wasting her time with me". When I found out about this (after she left me) I called her and simply asked, "Why didn't you tell me you were talking to Brian?" and she was dead silent on the phone, then in an outburst got extremely pissed at me and said that "If I ever called her again and accused her of anything, that she would hang up the phone and never speak to me again"...I didn't realize that asking a question of that nature is accusing in any shape or form. Then she yelled at me and said, "You're starting to make me hate you" even though all i did was ask her about this guy. She told me to fess up on how I got the information, which I simply told her someone let it slip, and she demanded that I tell her who told me "or else".

The next day she emailed me and was like, "Listen, I'm sorry I flipped out on you last night - I just wanted you to understand that Brian and I are just friends and that there's nothing to worry about" even though I read in her own words otherwise, and that "He is a family man who she would like to someday settle down with and start a family".

Its funny, because she said she just not started talking to this guy again, and shes all of a sudden gone from wanting to work on us to not at all. I find it funny how she feels this guy is so caring and everything else when he used her for sex when she was 17 (which was also rape by law), and then lied directly so me saying that "They were just friends". I don't know if shes done anything with him or not, I havent seen her in 3 weeks; but I do know that the last thing I heard from her own words before she found out that I knew what she was doing, was her saying to a friend that she was excited because they were getting together for dinner later this or next week.

Maybe there's more than one reason to why she has been acting lately like I don't even exist. It makes sense too now that I think about it, because before she separated from me, she asked me bluntly, "If I left you and later realized it was a mistake, would you let me come back?" Almost like she was asking permission to go try things with this guy and come back if things didn't work.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore - The very fact that shes been talking to this guy for over a year behind my back and has said that she "Likes him" when shes been married to me for like a year, and has been telling me how badly she wants kids and how much she loved me makes me wonder if this is even worth it - or if I'm just a back up plan now.

My wife had a history of running to guys for love and using sex as a means of getting them to give her attention before we were together; and during our relationship she expressed how bad she felt about it - but it almost seems like she might be falling back into it. Her mom did the same thing, and is now on her third marriage with a guy who uses her, and treats her like crap - but shes spent her whole life looking for men to take care of her that she has nothing and has to stay with him in order to sustain herself. Her mom was married young too and divorced her first husband who was a good guy because she was "too young".

Having you bring up that issue and reminding me of this guy in the equation is really messing with my head now...it certainly explains the split second change of emotion as far as how she looks at me now. I mean, last month she was saying how much she was madly in love with me and how excited she was for us to spend the rest of our lives together, and now this..

-Please give feedback, because now I'm even more confused about what to do; or if this guy is the case, if I should even stick around. I still love her - but if shes running around behind my back (even if things are tough...) then I don't know what i should do. Its ironic because the things she wrote about this guy were exactly how she talked about me before things got rough.

In the meantime, I'm going to go read those articles.

The other thing that really worries me is that we used to have each have one email address and we knew the passwords; well about a month ago she started a new one and made sure it was a password I couldn't guess. She emailed her friend and was like, "Im changing my email address (you know why)"

This also might switch things up, but about three months ago she started talking to a friend of mine's friend over instant messenger, and whenever I would ask her what she was doing she would get mad at me for "prying" or be like "stop watching over my back". She started talking to him more than we would talk, and I caught him calling her "cute" and stuff like that while he was talking to her -so I searched her old email address and sure enough they were talking behind my back - she was signing her emails "Love, Shannon" and saying how it was "Refreshing to flirt with someone else, because I 'didnt know how to do it'". After I saw these emails I told her that I didn't want her seeing this guy anymore; and she got so incredibly pissed off at me that she took off in the middle of the night and stayed the night at his house even though I was in tears begging her not to go. After that happened she told me for about 3 weeks that she didn't love me anymore and that we weren't going to work - so I told her that I was going to sleep in our quest bedroom for then on and leave her alone - but oddly enough when i went to the guest bedroom, she would beg me to come sleep with her because she was "lonely". About another week later, she was like, "Ive been confused, I do love you - I just didnt know what I wanted".

She said nothing happened with my friend's friend and that although she slept in his bed, she slept on the floor. After that she wanted me to let her go out and hang out with him (without me coming along) and she even made me let her go to his house at like 4pm, and she came home at like 1 in the morning. I confronted him about it, and basically told him if he ever touched my wife i'd kill him - soon thereafter, she caught him lying about things to try to save his own [censored], and from then on she (at least to my knowledge) never talked to him again, saying that he was a pig and that all she had wanted in him was a friend.

I'm 20 years old, she is 19. We got married when we were both 18. I have never been unfaithful to her, I really hope that she hasn't been.

Also, when I saw the messages she was writing to her girlfriend about this guy she wanted to see, she said she had never been unfaithful in our marriage; but it could have been her just trying to make herself feel better.

I've noticed weird things like this since the beginning of our relationship - I read something she wrote in her diary once (which I know I shouldn't have, but I can't take it back, and it happened a very long time ago) and it was in great detail about her having sex with a family friend (even talked about how the guy had a small penis but it still felt good) and when I asked her about it and about why she had never told me about this guy - she said that she made it all up in her diary and that it was a fantasy. Who fantasizes about a guy with a small wang? Especially when they go into descriptive detail about everything that happened. She even mentioned in her diary about how she felt like a whore a lot of the time...that doesn't sound like fantasy to me.

I think a lot of the reason why i began neglecting her in our relationship was because inside my heart I really saw what was going on and although I loved her was really hurt and didn't see her mirroring the emotions I was giving her and I began to stop feeling like I loved her at the moment because I was hurt inside. I do love her - I always have; but I just find myself wondering why she is doing this.

I know I did mess up in our relationship, but it doesn't justify these things.

Last edited by better_than_ever; 06/23/05 11:36 PM.

*poster formerly known as neverenough.
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Thank you for moving that over better.

If anyone has any advice or whatever else on this situation or on what I should do, I would love to know. I still love my wife but if this is an affair or heaven forbid, there has already been one - I don't know what to do.

Its hard for me to interpret her actions into a conclusion because I've never been in a situation like this, but perhaps some wiser people who can relate to this can help out.

Thank you, and God bless

-Fox


Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
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I guess I'll just keep this bumped for later...thanks guys.


Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 2,648
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bump


*poster formerly known as neverenough.
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I have a really bad feeling that tonight is going to be a very lonely one. I think the hardest thing about this situation is going to bed alone after sleeping next to a warm body for the length of your marriage.

I hate this feeling inside. All day today I was feeling strong about this, and its like out of nowhere, I feel complete and utter despair again - sometimes it feels like tears are the only answer.


Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Joined: May 2005
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Hi FoxOr,

I'm very sorry for your situation.

I'm glad you've been moved over to GQII - there is much more traffic here, and you'll get some excellent advice.

Just to say Welcome again to MB! There'll be some vets along soon who'll take care of you.

I'm still learning myself, and I don't really feel that I have much advice to give, except to say hang in there!

Take care,

Alph.


Me, BS 37 Him, WXH (Noddy) 40 DD13, DD6 Married 14th August 1993 D/Day 2nd April 05 Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28 Divorce final 6th July '06. Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx ...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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The biggest thing that I'm worried about through all of this is when we finally get together in person again. It is looking like we are going to get together this Sunday for the first time in like three weeks.

She told me to "Go into it with a level-head" so that I don't have my heart-broken if we don't work things out. The biggest fear I have is not being able to find a way to ask her about reading about this website with me; and about going to counseling. I know that if we went through counseling things would probably work out - and I know that if she gave us a chance, we could begin restoring our Love Bank - we've spent our whole marriage winging it without help and its torn us apart.

Last time I talked to her on the phone I asked her if she'd go to counseling but she wouldn't budge on the issue. In her exact words, she said this to me a few nights back over e-mail:

"Again, that's great that all of these things are helping you become a better person and have more understanding, but don't get yourself mixed up in thinking that just because you are realizing all of these things that things between us are going to get fixed and we are going to stay together, Honestly, because I don't want to lie...at this point my thought is still that I don't really think I want to work on us any more than I already have, There has been a lot of damage done and most of the time I really do think that it is irreversible. I may not be able to look at you and feel the way that I used to anymore. It's just not the same to me"

--whether this is the result of an emotional affair or what have you, it looks like shes in a State of Withdrawal, and I don't know how to pull her out of it (if its even possible). I want to be able to be there for her as a husband this Sunday, but also as a friend - and I don't know how I'm supposed to act or what I'm supposed to say to bring up our marriage and trying to save us - because when I do, she gets pissed at me.

I don't know if I can talk to her about us without breaking down crying - I want to be strong about this; but I don't think I can talk to her about this without breaking down. And as far as this whole possible affair issues goes - do I just pretend like I don't know anything about it or do I bring it up? I know if I bring it up she'll just get angry with me, but in another sense it has to be talked about. I have absolutely no clue how I am supposed to approach this Sunday without making things worse.

Last edited by Fox0r; 06/24/05 02:44 AM.

Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
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Dear Fox,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are hurting so. Sounds like U need a plan. A good one. Call Jennifer @ MB for some quick phone counseling. Jennifer can get you on a good plan A followed up with plan B if needed.

U have some reading t/d also. No one said it w/b easy but it is survivable.

BTW, how long have u 2 been together vs the A? Just curious.

take care,
L.

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If by A you mean adultry, I don't quite know - I don't actually know if there has been anything committed - I trust her, and don't believe that there has been, but if you mean an emotional affair - we've been together a year and eight months, and she said to her friend that she began talking to this guy again last summer - so a year now.

Was it wrong for me to check her messages without her knowing when things were going wrong - I mean after all, she was hiding things from me. And we had always agreed to be honest with one another, even if it would make the other person upset - and she wasn't being honest.

I don't want all of these things that I'm saying to make her seem like a lying, decieving person. She has never been like that, and I still believe from the bottom of my heart that she is the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. I've never met anyone more kind and caring; nor anyone so sweet and fun to be around as her. She could always make the worst of my troubles disappear in a heart beat - she is a great girl, and I wish that I would have spent more time telling her that like I did in the beginning of our relationship instead of getting all upset over other things towards recency.

We all have problems in our lives; and what is going on between us isn't all her. I have caused an equal amount of pain in our marriage - after all, it takes two to tango.
I just felt it necessary to get that message across because she is a very sweet woman, and I miss her with all of my heart right now.

Last edited by Fox0r; 06/24/05 03:49 AM.

Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Joined: Jan 2001
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U miss your W. What you are dealing with is a WS. Adultery comes in the physical, mental and emotional forms. PA (physical affair) is just one of the types. EA (emotional affair) is another. Both bring great pain to a M. Both can lead to D. Both are what makes up adultery.

Your W may be the one you love and the one who was upright and honest but what she has become is not healthy for you, her or your M.

Right now you can't control, help or even educate her. Her WS side will not allow her to listen to you even for her own good. Like a rebellious child, she will use every tool at her disposal to further her A. Yep, she is having an affair if she is willing to put her R with this guy ahead of your M.

You though can use the tools here along with a good MC (preferably phone counseling with Jennifer from MB), to get a plan to get you on track with your life. To strengthen you so that if and when your W decides to come back, you w/b in a stronger position to know how to help her. 1st you must help yourself.

Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W. Harley. If she starts to get real ugly, read Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson. Work with your MC who is versed in MB principals.

Improve yourself, expose, build your personal suppport system, work with your MC, get checked for STDs, secure your finances, read, post and vent here as needed, keep a journal and do not fall for her babble. Learn reverse babble and use it if you need to protect your love for your W, not the WS. Do not allow her to use you to enable the A. Learn what your EN and her ENs are. Take the emotional needs questionnaire, take it as if you are her as well.

Hope this helps.

take care,
L.

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Do you two have cell phones? If so get the logs, some companies post the logs online, you can go back and start looking for numbers. Check the logs, look at minutes, look for long amounts of time spent on calls. Then make a note of those numbers, then start counting how many times they were called. Have a friend or someone call the numbers if you don't know them off hand. Use google as a reverse lookup if you need to. The numbers you suspect as questionable, look and see what the frequency is of calling from month to month to get a trend.

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Fox,

I read the rest of your thread on Emotional Needs and now here when I logged in this morning.

It does sound like you are dealing with an Emotional Affair. I don't really have any advice to offer in that category, but hopefully you'll get a lot of good advice in this GQII Forum.

In my case, when I found out my wife wanted a divorce, it was from snooping in her secret email account. I didn't even know she had one until she showed me an email she got in it, so I decided to look at it and see what she really thought about me. It was easy to guess her password.

She had been talking to an old boyfriend, complaining about me and telling him she was going to divorce me as soon as she could. And she signed her emails "Love always". I thought I was dealing with an Emotional Affair, but fortunately it turned out not to be the case - partly because she didn't want to get involved with anyone else until she divorced me, and partly because her ex-boyfriend was just as much of a [censored] as I was.

I'll check in and see how you're doing, and I will pray for you.

All the best...

BTW, I felt a little guilt for snooping in her email, but not too much. My marriage was at stake.

Last edited by cuthbert calculus; 06/24/05 08:41 AM.

Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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We used to have a cell phone, but not anymore - however I don't know if she has one now or not. She said she has "bills" to pay, which means she is spending money on something. After we separated, we were already low enough on money, and she spent like $40 on something at a women's store. Then, after taking out half of the money in our bank account and starting her own bank account she continued to spend my half of the money and now I have $100 to my name - not to mention that our rent is in my name, so I'm getting stuck with the next two months of rent and she also expects me to pay our utilities.

I haven't been checked for STDs since we have been together, but I should, because half way through our marriage we discovered that she had HPV from a previous fling and needed corrective surgery. I got checked for HIV but lost my ID number and never got the results.

I closed my bank account and took out the little money I had left (she was still using it) and I have a full-time job now. I don't really think theres anyway for me to check and see what shes doing behind my back with this guy - nor do I know if its appropriate for me to snoop, I don't want to feel dishonest - and I want to instill trust with her - but is trust even reasonable anymore? A while back I asked her friend something but she blew me off and said "We're not talking about this, I'm not getting in the middle". I don't know the passwords to her things anymore because she changed all of them. What are some signs that she might be having an A, emotional, physical, or anything else? I find it really odd that she did a complete 180 in a matter of days as far as contemplating our future is concerned. She signed her emails "love" the first couple times after she left me, but now she doesn't even do that - and every single email she sends ends with the same emotionless tag "Hope all is well".
Then she won't email me for days on end and her excuse is "Sorry I havent emailed, I've been extremely busy" which is obviously a cop out - im sure she makes time to email her friends and Brian. We all know it takes 2 seconds to email someone. Not to mention call, which she obviously has no intention of doing it seems. I understand shes confused about things - but I think there are a whole lot more responsible ways of dealing with things during a potential divorce and current separation - she can't hide from me, this is something we HAVE to talk about, for none other practical purpose than at LEAST filing papers and divying up things.

I mean, I want to know what is going on - but everytime I check up on her I feel guilty, because she always gets extremely pissed when I look at things she is doing that she doesn't want me to - I think it is one of her LBs.

Do I even bring up this guy when we get together on Sunday? If I do it'll probably most certainly end any chance I have of getting her to give us a chance again - she's at a dangerously low point in her Love Bank right now - almost on the verge of a Hate Bank it seems. I don't want to act like nothing is wrong, but at the same time I want to be strong and give her her space. I hate pushing things - and shes really not in the mood to have me push things on her right now.

Last edited by Fox0r; 06/24/05 08:46 AM.

Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
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Ugh...


I just realized that the screenname I'm using is blatantly mine, and if my wife felt compelled to check this site she'd see everything I'm saying (which I have no problem with, I'm not trying to hide anything from her) but needless to say I fear it'd really piss her off..


Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
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Posts: 120
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The whole distant thing is what happened with me. W wouldn't go to counseling, didn't think it would help. I went myself anyways, it was good for me to get set with me. It was 7wks before my W actually decided to go. Results may vary

You have a great source for help here at MB.

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The only problem with the whole time frame thing is that I go back to school which is nearly 400 miles away in 2.5 months. Its going to be extremely hard to regain anything from 400 miles away - wouldn't it? Not to mention that she is enrolled in the same school - and if she doesnt go she will lose her financial aid, etc.


Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 120
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One thing you sort of need to get over is the snooping thing. There are two outcomes of it, #1 you find what you fear most, you expose it and go from there. IF you love her unconditionally you will tell her you and she can get thru this.

#2 You find nothing and face the reality that it IS about you, about your behavior, and you need to regardless keep working on changing you. It's the only person you can change. The only way she will change, is by seeing your actions not words.

Also to #2, if there is nothing to hide, she shouldn't get irked at you, she may at first but if she really thinks about it, you are concerned about your marriage and needed to know. It's a gamble, but it's a choice you have to make.

But most important is get things right with you. You mentioned behavior that you thought may have caused problems, address that in counseling or on your own. Read the material here. Start with the concepts and or the article Why Women Leave Men. Go from there.

You spending all your time trying to get your wife back will do little if she actually comes back and you haven't spent any time working on your personal problems. If she comes back this momment, do you know what behavior problems you have, why you have them, how they affected your M, and how to stop them? If you do, you are WAY ahead of where I was in this whole mess and I commend you.

Work on her, but work more on you, when she see those changes things should start to come around. I know you are dealing with a possible EA and God forbid a PA, and it is a tough spot to be in. But you have to focus, get a plan of action together, and execute.

It's a crappy place to be, I know. You will hear this time and time again and it will be something you hate to hear, but it takes time. Just keep posting here. Have you emailed your friends and family about the situation? Not about the possible EA/PA but just that you and she are having problems? It helped to see the emails coming in about other couples we knew who had problems in their marriage and didn't give up.

All I can think of for now.

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As far as working on myself - I hear ya. I'm enrolled with a counselor at the moment and am working on myself as a person and my problems, first and foremost (after all, if my W leaves me, I still need to fix these things for the future.) I have read the articles on this site on ENs and LBs, and especially the Why Women leave Men article, which hit a little too close to home.

I think a main reason why I am really concerned about the timing of this split up and trying to figure out things now based mainly on the financial and geographical circumstance that we are in. If she doesn't come back, she will drop out of school over here (or at least miss a semester) This will force her to start paying back her student loans, and mixed on top of other things, I don't want to end up taking credit damage over any financial obligations she might or might not be able to meet.

When I see her in person, would be it dumb of me to bring up this whole A situation and let her know that I'm concerned about what's been going on and that she explain or should I not even bring it up?


Me 20
WW 20
Friends since: December 10, 1999
Began Dating: October 29, 2003
Married Feb 13, 2004
D-Day: July 28, 2005
Separated since: June 9, 2005
Now in Plan B - headed for D.
Praying on God's guidance and support


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
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Posts: 2,648
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I wouldn't bring up the A until you have proof of it. You are just guessing right now. She will spin circles around you have you convinced you are crazy. You need good strong proof. Once you have that proof, you don't tell her what it is or where it came from. Just know you you have it!


*poster formerly known as neverenough.
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People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

People in a marriage are not entitled to 'privacy' according to Dr. Willard Harley. Don't feel guilty for snooping. People in A's lie. She has lost her credibility. You can't trust her. Dr. Harley says we shouldn't trust our spouses 100%.

I am sorry for the pain your are experiencing so early in your marriage. In a sane world, you would still be newlyweds and should have been 'happy'.

I know you probably won't want to hear this... but, from what you said about her, her history, her mother's history, and sister's...and since you don't have any children...I would say cut your losses and move on. Especially, since you do not have children.

She sounds like an immature 19 yr old girl. She may have been excited about the idea of getting married but she didn't understand the reality of the commitment she was supposed to be making: her vows...to forsake all others. She doesn't understand the bounderies that are necessary to protect a marriage. She may have romanticized being in love without understanding that it is a decision and not just a feeling. When one believes it is just a feeling then they are more likely to want to move on when things get tough or their feelings are waning. Relationships take work and nurturing to endure all the ups and downs of life. Good marriages just don't happen...they are created through care and lots of attention. It seems like she was treating your marriage as though it was just like going steady or 'hooking up' in high school.

All that said, there are concepts on this site, in Dr. Harley's books, as well as other books, and through counseling that can help you to recover with or without her.

I hope you or someone else can get the message to her that she should earn her way out of your marriage by giving the effort necessary to try to save it. Did she have a relationship with her father?

Listen to Orchid.

Read all about Plan A and B, and the four rules for a successful marriage. Work on yourself. Work on getting emotionally stronger again. This is less about you than it is about her and her character and immaturity. Yes, you need to look at your part in what EN's of hers you may not have been meeting etc. Sometimes early in marriage we fall into the roles that were modeled for us, unfortunately, your wife did not have a healthy model in her life...in her mother.


Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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