In rereading your intial post on the first page I would guess that your wife is in an affair and further I would assume that it is a PA and not just EA's. Could be more than one. It isn't a good sign that she is protective of her email accts, passwords, and IM's. She has something to hide. She probably being dishonest which goes with the territory. Her quick quick change in behavior is a big red flag in this area. It is very typical in affairs. You didn't really think things were that bad in your relationship and now,according to her, you are all to blame for the state of marriage. That is right from the WS script. She can not be trusted to tell you the truth about anything right now.

When she was going out and spending the night with an OM or when she stayed out late...those are very telling. Trust what your gut is telling you...that is that she has probably been doing stuff behind your back. That is also why she doesn't seem to be remorseful or going through any withdrawal from you. That would because she is with others. People generally don't flip flop like that overnight. Usually, the one dumped feels worse than the one doing the dumping...especially with a replacement(s) already in the wings.

It sounds like she is heading toward making a mess of her life...following in her mom's footsteps.

If she is also a Christian would she be willing to talk to a pastor with you? It would really help if she could regain her faith and walk with God..if she already had that before.

You know what,

I'm through with this. I'm sick of getting e-mails void of emotion - she still hasn't called me, and all of a sudden "she mixed up, and is actually working on Sunday" bull.

I'm through with this - I'm beginning to wonder if she's ever loved me, and if she did - if it even meant anything. How someone can go from pouring out their heart and soul and loving someone to death and then shutting them out emotionally like they never meant anything to them is beyond me. I'm so incredibly hurt inside, especially knowing that she's out having an A, and that I'm assuming she pretty much lied about her entire "converting to christianity" just to impress me.

I got another e-mail tonight from her after not hearing from her for about 3 days, and it was like 4 lines long. Every thing she says to me is completely different, shes not even the same person anymore.

I've never felt so incredibly betrayed that I wasn't even sad - I think its safe to say that she has killed any love I've ever felt for her now.

I'm bringing up everything when we get together - I'm not trying to save anything, I'm going to tell her exactly how it is and how stupid and immature she is being, because she's going to ruin her life; and its a slap in the face that she's leaving me, the only guy who has ever tried to be there for her as a person and for who she is. The fact that she told me I was her soulmate, all the cards, all the kisses, the making love - its all been ruined; its like I can't even remember what it was like now.

Wow...I don't even know what to say, or how to express how upset I am right now. I spent all nine hours at work today miserable worrying about her in my heart, worrying about our relationship, and shes probably been off having sex with her fling. You know what...maybe when she gets pregnant she sees how much she hates what she's become she'll wise up - but it doesn't look like its going to happen.

If she showed ANY compassion for me whatsoever, let alone ANY REMORSE about what she is doing to me right now I could forgive her - but I can't anymore.

I tried, and I was willing to give it everything, but enough is enough and I'm not going to sit here and let her toy with me anymore. Yeah, I did mess up in our relationship; but it was never intentional, I've always loved her and wanted the best for her - we are all human, and if she can't except me for who I am, let alone who i WAS, then she can quite frankly take her "Please be my friend" and shove it. Her asking me to be her friend when she doesn't even seem to WANT a friendship from me is pathetic and embarassing.

I'm going to bed - I pray to God that one day I'll be able to look at her like the girl that I fell in love with, and the girl that i wanted to be the mother to my children - but I don't know if that is going to come for a long time, let alone ever.

-Aaron

I'm half way tempted to just e-mail her and be like "So, have many times have you f----- Brian so far? And why have you been lying to me about seeing him?"

I'm sorry - but the realization that she's messing around behind my back, which I had been holding hope to for so long that she wasn't (i was in denial that our relationship wasnt going to work because she had completely changed as a person) has completely destroyed my insides. I almost HATE her right now, yet there's this incredibly small voice in the back of my head saying "Dont do something that you will regret later and might ruin the chance of you two ever working again."

Why am I so hesistant? Isn't it obvious that she doesn't give a [censored] about me anyways and has lost all emotional connection with me? So why am I even trying? Why do I even care what I say to her anymore? Is it because I am still in love with her, unlike she with me?

Maybe after we sign the papers and she still expects me to be her friend I'll just send her a letter in the mail on our two year anniversary saying "I just wanted to let you know that if you ever decide to grow up and realize that you are making the biggest mistake of your life, give me a call - but until then, if ever, goodbye."

MAN! after EVERYTHING we've shared, and all of the intimacy she does this? How the hell does someone do this to another person? I honestly don't understand why its so flippin' hard to be FAITHFUL. God, at least get a divorce before you go nail someone else. The pathetic thing is, I told her once "If you ever stop loving me, or if you ever cheat on me - just tell me. I'd be a whole lot less hurt if you just told me" and she was like "I would tell you, but I would make sure I divorced you before I did" ....laugh.

And in response - NO she isn't a Christian; at least her actions don't show it. She wasn't a Christian when we started dating, but she saw Christ through me (before I started messing up) and came to God; asking Him into her heart. Now, whether or not that was genuine, I don't think so. I think she just did it to make herself feel better around me. She "repented" for the things in her past, yet got pissed at me when I wanted to know what was going on. When I told her divorce isn't part of God's plan she started yelling at me and told me that "Maybe I don't believe in God like you." a Christian friend of hers called her and tried to tell her that divorce wasn't the only answer to things and that she was worried about her - and my W bitched at ME for her calling. Sorry that people care, you know?

Man - Satan is messing with her so badly right now, shes a completely different person. And the fact that shes messing with people behind my back has ripped out any respect I ever had for her. Minutes from now I'm going to become more depressed than I've ever been in my life. Knowing that the most amazing happiness I've EVER FELT IN MY LIFE was a LIE is the most horrible thing that I've EVER felt in my life. Its like EVERY SINGLE MEMORY of the last two years has instantaneously become a NIGHTMARE that two days ago were the things holding me in this relationship.

To quote Jimmy Eat World; "Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain. I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means."

Now I know why even though we had sex for over 5 months without a condom or birth control that she never got pregnant; God has been watching over me - the fact that she had a miscarriage wasn't an accident; I refuse to believe that. I was blind for so long as to how badly I was being used, and I thank God that I was lucky enough to avoid fathering a child into this. Praise Him in all His Glory forever and ever Amen.

......



The more I think about this, the sicker I get. Not only has this past two years now become a waste; not only have I poured every ounce of heart and soul I had into this relationship; but now she's going to be going to school for free because of me.

My mom is a heroin addict with no money and I don't know my father. Neither of them have income, so I was awarded a full financial ride to school through the FAFSA. When she married me, she received the same award - and now because she's married me, even if she divorces me and even though she wasn't eligible for any financial aid before we were married, she will get a full ride to whereever she wants to go.

.....I cannot believe this.....

........oh my God.

ugh, I wish I had just one bit of solid proof that she was messing around behind my back - because until then, I'm not going to be able to recover from this and begin the healing process. I need to know 100% for sure that she has had an A so I can move on with my life and get this sick notion out of my head that shes still the girl that I fell in love with and that (if she ever even loved me because she loved me, or because she loved the idea of being married).

It all makes sense now. I don't think she ever loved ME - she was in love with the notion that someone was head over heels in love with her for once and wasn't using her. She was in love with the notion of having a baby - she was PLAYING HOUSE.

It all fits perfectly now. Things were perfect in our relationship in the beginning. She ALWAYS initiated sex (i dont even want to call it love making anymoe). For the first few months of our relationship she jumped on me EVERYDAY; I had to practically HOLD HER OFF ME, which is saying a lot for a guy. I could easily seduce her into making love, even a little nibble of the ear and she would collapse. Then, she just stopped having sex with me. I began to have to practically beg for it. When I would nibble on her she would tell me to stop unlike before, and almost seemed annoyed. In my eyes, I felt like she didnt love be because she no longer seemed to desire me. That is what really caused my depression - not my blood pressure, but I never wanted to tell her, I knew she'd get pissed at me. I stopped spending time with her because I saw that she didn't even really care anymore. Why this pissed her off, I don't know - because it was obvious for the longest time that I simply "Got old" to her.

Man, now that the initial anger is subsiding i feel more empty inside than I've ever felt. I don't even feel human anymore. I've been lied to by my mom; had her sell my things for drugs - had her force me into the car when I was 7 while she was drunk against my will and almost died. My dad never gave a [censored] about me and stopped sending me birthday cards from jail when I was 8. When I was 10, TWICE I had to save my mom's life after overdosed in the middle of the night by running to complete strangers houses crying, begging for help. I've been thrown into several foster families because my mom couldn't care for me - but I've NEVER, EVER in my life felt betrayal or hurt like this before. I don't know if the tears are going to come or not, because for the first time in my life, I'm so sad that I can't cry - and that is something I never in my life thought could ever happen.

God, please tell me there's another explanation for her sudden emotional detachment and all of the other things than A. Every sign points to A, but God I don't want to believe it. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME? She's acting UNHUMAN when less then a month ago she was saying [censored] like this in her emails,

"I sure hope that you get this when you get to Lewiston! I know that you probably will want to just get on and play CS and WOW, but I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I hope that you have fun. I haven't been doing much except for sewing the cushions and cleaning. I just got done vacuuming the living room and I am getting ready to do the dishes (or at least some of them). After that, I think I am going to walk to Dissmores and get something to drink because we don't have anything to drink in the house and I am hella thirsty, and then I think I am going to run to Blockbuster on the way back and get a different movie to watch. Once I get back I will probably start cleaning the bedrooms and then if I have time, i might see to cleaning up the bathroom a bit (sweeping and mopping). That way, when you come home, it will be to a tidy house!

Listen, I know you really wanted me to go with you today, and I am really sorry that I am letting you down, because (trust me) I feel bad because I feel like I am hurting your feelings and I really wouldn't want to do that. It's just that this place is a mess, I didn't want to deal with all the cat stuff, and lan's aren't really my thing. Once we move into a different apartment, I'd be a lot more willing to go out and not have to worry about stuff. I'm sure that nothing would happen, and I am probably overreacting, but I just would rather be safe than sorry. I think that tomorrow or Monday, I am going to go around to different places here in town and pick up some applications so that I can find a job for the summer. Then, when we have enough money, maybe we can rent a small U-Haul and move to those other apartments, where they allow Kimahri. I just know I would feel safer that way and then I would have no problem leaving him home alone for a day. I have never been to a LAN and I think that it would be fun to see what one is all about, but I am just hesitant right now because I have a lot on my mind with moving, summer jobs, and school....I really am sorry honey. But I want you to have fun with your friends and I promise that I will be here waiting for you when you get home.

I love you SOOOOOOOO much, and I have been thinking about you nonstop since you left. I miss you already...=( But, I know that you will be home soon, and then I will be able to give you a big hug, lots of kisses, and snuggle up close with you in my arms. I love you baby, and I really really hope that you have fun, even with me not being there. Just know that I am thinking of you! If you are able to call the house, and you want to, I will be here all day except for when I walk to the store (I need exercise...) and I will leave my MSN messenger on all day so we can talk. I hope you arrived in Lewiston safely. Please, please, PLEASE be careful when you are driving home this morning, and let Jake drive if you get too tired...I want to make sure I see my baby again. And be extra careful since you don't have your license with you.

Well, I will let you go now, but I hope this brings somewhat of a smile to your face. If you have any time to talk to me whether through phone or MSN, I would love to talk! I love you baby! You are my heart and soul, my one and only, my destiny, my SOULMATE! I wouldn't want anyone else to share this life with except for you. I know we both have made mistakes in the past, but I am so glad that God helped us pull through it all and show our hearts that we truly, deeply love each other. I don't know what I would do without you in my life, and I can't wait to spend forever with you. I love you honey...today, tomorrow, and always.

Can't wait to see my Goober again!
I love you soooooo much!
Love always and forever,
your Nanabear "

Hey, don't feel too bad, I just found my wifes car at a guy I sort of thought she might have been having an EA with. tommorow is going to be an interesting day

I seriously, for the love of God don't believe why its so hard to be faithful to someone you marry.

She has treated me like absolute ---- over the last year, whether or not on purpose, and I've NEVER EVEN CONTEMPLATED leaving her or cheating on her because I loved her when I made my vows for "better or for worse". How in the hell is it so god damned hard to be faithful for people? For Christ's sake get a divorce if you're going to f around.

I'm sorry, I realize I'm making an A out of myself right now but I need to vent in some way or form, and I think speaking through these words as I have no friends around at the moment is the best means possible. Its better than calling up my STBXW and cussing her out - at least I save face (not like I should even care anymore.)

I don't get it either, things were bad, but I never decided f it I am out.

What I don't get is how she can sit there and act like she is trying to make things work with us and then be over at this guy's house. That is pretty vile. I can't wait to hear the excuse. It is gonna be classic.

To think I almost put her CC debt onto my CC cause it was a lower interest rate, she is pay 25%. I hate that I co-signed the truck in my name for her. There is NO excuse for her being over there. I had a small idea in the back of my head something was going on still. The phone logs showed the calls stopping on the 21st of May, but apparently there is still something. I am sorry, no matter what kind of friend this guy is you don't stay at another man's house. And lie to me about where she was going, using her sick aunt in the process. I am giving her a chance to come clean tommorow. Then I am firing off an email to every co-worker, family member, and friend we have telling them of the affair. Someone else out there tell me if that is the right way to expose this.

I can only laugh right now, cause it sucks

Well...

Its amazing what happens with you mix complete and absolute anger with God's grace.

I finally took the first step towards moving on with my life - where it leads me I don't know. I e-mailed my W and let her know that if she was serious about saving any friendship we ever had we need to talk in person NOW. I told her its not even about the marriage anymore - but I do value her as a friend, and her friendship is something that I would, if possible, like to save,

As pissed as I am, I found enough strength, and grace, to email her calmly yet sternly and let her know that things aren't alright. I left the door open for her to come back if she wants to; but I also explained to her that if she wants nothing to do with me I will graciously leave. I love her, and nothing will change that, but if she wants nothing to do with me - then I wish her the best of luck in life.

I think its tragic that so many people throw away their memories and the things that they shared with their loved ones before things went bad out of anger. Luckily God gave me the strength I needed to stay calm and collective - something which I never could do in our marriage. Maybe the counseling and prayers are actually changing me after all.

My wife's mother was sleeping with a married man who was in the middle of getting a divorce, she committed adultry. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess. My MIL married the guy once the divorce was final.

My wife claims to have such a strong faith in God, yet where is it now. It is like the story of the farmer tossing the seeds, I wonder if her seeds are merely planted on rocks, and do not have a proper root.

She told me may 15th that she didn't want to get a divorce, that people too often end things so quickly and easily, that she didn;t want to do that. yet here she is, and another guys house.

I will give it the college try, but who knows. I think she thinks we can still be friends, that she can still hang around my family and friends. She is dead wrong. If she choses the other road, she is not going to be welcome back into my world ever. My friends and family know this as well.

I wish some of the wiser ones here would chime in but it is usually lots slower around here as the weekend approaches and on the weekends. I noticed that lots of people have read some on your thread but only a few have been posting. I am sorry.

Your life seems to have been wrought by heartache. Just when you thought you had so much happiness with your wife it all blows up in your face. It does seem a quick change in her.

I didn't catch when she had the miscarriage. She may be experiencing some hormonal changes that been affecting her behavior.

There may be ways to get proof of an A if one exists. This is all so fresh that it may not be necessary to rush to D right away. It does seem odd that she would write that email to you just a month ago and then do an about face.

I know how painful this is for you. It is good to remain calm and centered in your interactions with her. Draw on your strength in the Lord and don't lose your faith. Try to be patient.

You are doing the right thing in your life in not wanting to repeat you parents mistakes. You are breaking the cycle. You can succeed with or without your wife.

Keep praying. Prayer really has worked miracles in my life. God's will isn't always our will. You want the greater good.

When I went to bed last night, I felt good about the e-mail i sent her; however now, as I've woken up I don't.

I'm not okay with just being her friend - I'm always going to love her like a wife. I want more than anything for us to work, and I'm really scared now because she said she already has the paperwork filled out and that she is bringing it over in the next few days - she even said "it won't cost much to file."

I don't understand why she is so hell-bent on divorce, what I've done isn't even that bad - especially when she said she loved me like she did, I don't understand why we can't even try counseling, or at least why she doesn't want to.

Last night, I sent her an e-mail saying that it wasn't even about our marriage anymore, but that if she wanted to save ANY friendship we might have that we NEED to get together in person NOW. I told her that I was honestly sick of her brushing me off telling me she was "too busy" and explained that "A marriage, bad or good, shouldn't be brushed aside because someone is 'too busy', especially after she called me her soulmate. I also expressed to her that I'm past trying to force her coming back to me, but that I would leave the door open for her if she ever decided to give us a chance again. I told her that although it brought me great sadness knowing that she wants to divorce and that what we had might go away, but I also expressed my happiness for the memories that we've shared through it all. When I told her that I would leave the door open for us; I also mentioned that I couldn't promise I wouldn't find love somewhere else during the time we were apart; but I highly doubt that will happen. I seriously feel incomplete without her in my life.

I told her straight up that if our friendship is worth anything to her that she will find a way to get together with me in the next few days - because quite frankly, I'm getting very sick of, if anything due to lack of emotional support and the general feeling of being slapped in the face by who I love the most, getting brushed aside like I never meant anything to her.

I didn't ask her about the guy she is A with, I don't know the acronyms or what it would be for him; but I told her that I love her and that I will miss her.

My job is literally about a 2 minute walk from the place we met; and every lunch break I find myself walking to that place. I don't know why i do it, because when I do it I get extremely sad and almost always break down - but I find myself spending the time that I'm not working sitting in our spot; it reminds me of the times when we were happy - I really miss that, especially in her. I told her I left her a present there - I carved the words "Aaron and Shannon, then the date we met there 5 years ago, and then I put friends forever". I know its lame, but it was the least I could do - I love her and I miss what we have; I hope someday she gives us a chance; I really do. I'll never lose faith in God when it comes to recovering our marriage...after all, I already waited 4 years and through about 5 of her relationships for her the first time - if I have to, love can pull me through it again.

When she gets here, I want to express that I really don't want to divorce, but if she wants to there's nothing really that I can do - I wish she wasn't so steadfast on breaking things off when its been such a short period of time - especially considering the nature of her email from a month ago.

Ugh, life is really confusing sometimes. Especially when you've dealt with this crap before your 21st birthday.

I pray that this ordeal hasn't taken God out of her life. I don't see the enthusiam in her eyes or voice anymore - she used to look forward to going to church and she used to be so excited about God's plan for our lives together. I really pray that through all of this she stays strong in her relationship with God. I saw how much she hurt inside before she found God, and I can see it coming back.

Perhaps one of these days before I go back to school she would be willing to come to me with church - I think it would do us both a lot of good to share that again.

I would hope that she would be open to meeting with a pastor before filing for D. You'd think she would give more of a try before just flushing the marriage. No doubt she'd regret losing you eventually.

My H was married young the first time. He got her preg. during HS, dropped out his junior yr, went to work full time and married her before the birth. He was working about 50 hours a week trying to provide for them. They had two kids in 10 months. Before the 2nd child was a yr old his wife had an A and then wanted a D. I think they were married 18 months. He got a Mexican D. She moved across the country so he had no contact with them until I came in the picture when the oldest was 7 yrs old. H believes she originally wanted to marry him to get out of her parent's house. It was a stepping stone to her freedom. That was 38 yrs ago.

Do read the articles and concepts on the main site as well as the forum. There is a wealth of information.

Here is a link to the plan A/B section:

Plan A and Plan B as described by Dr. Willard Harley

There is also and article on the signs of an affair.

No matter what happens in your marriage you want to learn this stuff to understand how to try to affair proof your marriage.

Son (I am not saying this in a derogatory manner):

You are far more wise than a man of your age should rightfully be. What is posted above is the essence of what many people just don't "get". I am smiling right now reaidng your posts. I am a big fan of yours.

Man, if I had your wisdom at even my age now , who knows where I would be today.

I think you have a very bright future anyway you slice it.

"Many are called, Few are chosen"....Good luck.

Sourmale, MD