Well the Plan B letter is delivered...

AND:

I hired an atty today!! I can do the Plan B as my prep for Plan D, but I finally found one I could sorta afford and I feel as if I am near the end of this journey anyway.

I feel that even *if* WH has some sudden epiphany, that just puts us back to the beginning again, doesn't it?

The lawyer is a collaborative family lawyer so I am seeking to be cooperative and kind...no LBing even in D! She will draw up the separation agreement and if he agrees and signs she will file it. Then in 90 days I have to go to court and have the D finalized...<heavy sigh>

I look around here at all the hurting souls, even the ones in recovery who are still triggering and trying to get past dubious anniversaries and d-days... I cannot imagine living forever w/o WH but then again I can imagine even less that I can ever really trust him again... do I really want to spend eternity looking around every corner and waiting for the other shoe to fall?

I am not sure that I can ever get past this... not with him! We are talking about a repeat offender who *KNEW* the devastation brought on by his first A, who went through counseling and into recovery with me...who thanked me for standing by and seeing us through, for believing in us even when he did not <sigh> AND yet he does it again???!!!

Seriously, how many here can say that they got through this and survived happily??

I am also "glancing" around at what is out there... I feel like I have this imaginary puzzle piece and that someone, somewhere has another with the edges just right so that the fit is comfortable and effortless...

I am not ACTIVELY searching for anything right now, but I am certainly much more aware of the opposite sex than I have been in years... yes, I was *so* faithful that I often didn't notice when I was being "checked out" or the subtle nuances and body languages that are so crucial to human communication. Too bad I was the only one!

Well, I am drained and depressed, but not in a "my world is over" sorta way, more like a "this sucks but life goes on" sorta way, KWIM? Just wanted to update you guys in the saga that has been my life!

How r u doing?

U want to heal fast but you need to heal right. Recovery takes time.

I am one of the plan B survivors. I am grateful for impelmenting plan B. But plan B does no good unless you have a plan.

L.

TNT_RN - I hope you are feeling better and more positive today. I've kinda in the same boat as you. I've already drawn up the draft financial agreement for our sep. It's what WH wants... he doesn't want to stop the A not rebuild the marriage. He's MIA from the house, holing himself at a friend's place and I do not even have the chance to talk to him or see him. We have almost no contact now except for legal matters. I do miss him but I also believe my life is how I make it out to be - with or without him around. So take a deep breath and heads up!

Orchid - I've read some of your posts. They have been very illuminating, esp the reverse babble ones! I'm curious -- what do you mean by a plan B with a plan?

~A

Thanks Orchid... I do have a plan, but it doesn't mean I like it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It is simple, either he comes back on his knees with his heart in his hand begging and pleading with proof the A is way over and he is getting mental help or I proceed with the D...

OK, maybe a touch dramatic but close! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Ashley, I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this mess too! Any kids? I think there are times that my biggest pain and anxiety surrounds those children! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> They did nothing to deserve this and I want so badly to take it all away!!

I now my life is heading in a better direction, but at the same time I am losing something that I built my life around for more than half of it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I am a very loving and socialperson and I hate feeling like I am "all alone" even when I know I am not.

And FWIW I really miss SF!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As a Christian who has always had fast to my faith, I cannot reconcile being without for so long, though I must!! That *really* sucks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

TNT - no, we have no kids. In a way, it's a blessing coz I don't think I can handle this as well as I have been doing so far, if I have toddlers to deal with too. I admire those strong BS' who can somehow hold it together for themselves and their children. Such strength!

I emailed WH the draft agreement yesterday late afternoon but still no email reply. He had usually reply at least once a day when I asked him abt financial matters. Seems like he's gone dark too.

I feel the same way you do... you feel you're heading towards somewhere better, but yet you are losing something. I went for an interview today because I needed to get a job to solve our financial mess that WH created. It was something positive to look forward to, but during the bus ride, I was thinking that I've already lost him and how I can't compell him to stay with me if he no longer loves me.

~A

Plan B is a step taken to protect the love the faithful spouse has for real spouse vs the WS. It is a protective action because the WS is hell bent on breaking the BS' spirit.

To go into plan B w/o a solid plan is setting one's self up for failure. On the other hand, having a plan will help the BS move forward with all the strength, wit, energy possible under these trying circumstances.

What is in a good plan?

1. Do a good plan A. Make all the changes within a reasonable amount of time. Do not strive t/b perfect. Strive to be ok with yourself.

2. Setup a good support system at different levels. Include your children, pets, neighbors, workmates, relatives, doctors, MC, MB, etc. Support is what will help you through the rough times. Your supporters don't need to know all. They just need to be able to help you and you in turn can help them.

3. Get checked for any STDs.

4. Learn reverse babble.

5. Secure your finances. Protect your assets from the grasp of the WS and OP. Many an OP think the family's assets belong to the WS and OP. OPs are very greedy.

6. Get with a good MC versed in MB principals. Better yet, do some phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer @ MB.

7. Read up on Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and if it gets rough, read Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson.

8. Take the EN questionnaire. Once as yourself and once as your spouse.

9. Keep a journal. Document all interactions. You w/b surprised to go back and find out what you went through. It helps keep things in perspective. Especially when the WS tries to manipulate you into enabling the A.

10. If you have children reassure them of your love and commitment to them. Encourage open and honest communication.

11. Do not be a conflict avoider.

12. Pray for the clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

13. Identify your boundaries. It s/b a short but very firm list.

14. Implement those boundaries.

15. Learn when t/b firm and when t/b flexible. While this stuff isn't brain surgery. It feel difficult. Don't rush recovery.

These are just some of the suggestions for a good plan B. You want the WS to feel the impact of plan B. He/she can't if you only do it part way. Plan B is not effective unless you give it 100%. It's tough love all the way.

L.

Tnt,

Good to hear u r doing better. Identify your boundaries and implement them. That will help you stand firm. Remember it is your H you want back, not the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

tnt \
I am also confused about the mixed messages that plan B AND divorce papers simultainiously....

they are two completely mixed messages...

why are you doing them together...

and can you stop the divorce info from getting to him..and let him ruminate in plan B for a while??

ARK

Up till now you have disengaged from him, but not completely. You've allowed contact between the two of you in the form of text messages. Will this end in Plan B?
Will you use an intermediary?

TNT - I think you are doing just fine. Stillhere- TNT has children that is the only thing they text M regarding is visitation. A must with young children.

The D papers will help you set up childsupport I hope. Has he started paying any as of yet? I think you have tried long enough and hard enough. It is time for you my girl.

Yes, they have young children, but no reason an intermediary can't relay messages. I think children are often used as an excuse to continue contact...for both the BS as well as the WS.

I've seen this happen many times (me included) that a BS will begin a half-hearted Plan B with contact continuing, albeit limited. Every time contact happens it hurts the BS's heart and then love is gone and D happens. It is as though the BS is addicted to contact with the WS.

It would have happened to me but I began to get firm in my Plan B, gave the letter, then ended contact with WH (and this was hard, he was a stay at home Dad that was coming over to the house every day to watch the kids...)

I've seen it happen too many times. A BS is losing love, moves to Plan B but with limited contact, and within a short amount of time, has lost the love they have.

The contact a BS has with WS should end not because the BS is trying to get the WS to act one way or another, but to diligently preserve the love they still have for their S.
When a BS continues contact and the A continues, D often happens. Plan B is for hte BS to preserve what love they have so the A can die a natural death...not due to Plan B, but because it would die anyway...

I do have a plan, but it doesn't mean I like it! It is simple, either he comes back on his knees with his heart in his hand begging and pleading with proof the A is way over and he is getting mental help or I proceed with the D...
???

You wrote him a Plan B letter and told him you love him & want to stay married and you will have no contact until he ends the affiar.
And then you throw divorce papers on him?

From his point of view, he cannot trust anything you tell him. including what was in the Plan B letter.

Wow!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

OK, first... there is no one who can be a relaible and consistent intermediary between us...trust me, I have looked! Family have pretty much been split down the "family lines" and friends... well *MY* friends all have other issues (like recent surgery or being out of town most the summer)

As far as a Plan B and the "dropping the D on him": In my Plan B letter it mentioned that I would be filing soon. I have little choice as he has not abided much of any of my requests (like to stop just dropping by MY home) and he is not paying child support consistently.

What options do I have? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

His Mom repossessed my car yesterday (even though I told her I would keep up the payments)...then she starts whining how *I* am making all the money and WH is "just getting by"...AND??!! Last I checked he was the one who left us for OW and he was the one who chose to keep it this way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Plus, I pointed out to her that I work my [censored] off for that money (40+ hrs a week) and last I checked he now has 3 jobs, not paying much in CS, is two months behind in the car in BOTH our names and pays just $100 a month rent, so not sure what all the poor-mouthing is about! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Regardless, I have had very little C with him even via TM...and the car was one of the last things he had to write me about, kinda held it over my head so I called her and told her if she wanted it that bad then she could have it cause I was not doing this with her every month.

Thank God my old volvo never got sold and I am driving that for now... needs some minor work but it runs! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Look, I do not expect everyone to agree or fully understand what I am doinghere. Some days I don't even know! I am doing the best I can with what I have right now... No, I do not want to D the man but see little choices left. This is his 3-4th, hell may be 5th or 6th A and I am not sure that I can get past it this time...

Case in point...

WH is here now in my apt... he wanted to come and see the girls (DS is w/ Grandparents). Well DD4 aka babygirl asked him to please stay for supper... what does he say "ask your Mommy"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Well then she is at me pouting and begging and I am looking into those blue eyes feeling like a total heel! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I maintained silence and she assumed "yes" and he let her... now he has already played hide n seek with her and cards... she misses her Daddy, and my heart breaks for her.

Tonight was to be a girl's night... we bought steaks that were marked down and charcoal, we grilled out and had a DVD to watch. DD13 is mad at him for being here too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

See!! I am trying to avoid him altogether and he is doing his darnedest to get back in the door somehow!

TNT_RN,

I also had to file for a divorce in order to get court-ordered financial support. My WH even sent a signed letter to my lawyer stating he would no longer be providing financial support (brilliant<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). In my Plan B letter I stated why I had filed and that I didn't want a divorce. Who knows if he believes it or not?

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Protecting the children's financial safety is of utmost importance.

Good luck to you.

Thx for the back-up Pebs!

Anyone who has read anything I have written in the last two years knows I love my WH and want my M to work... I also hit a point where I realize that this may NEVER come to pass!

I have to protect myself and these kids, no one else will!

Now DS has called form his grandparents and he is homesick. It is about a 2 hr drive and I am exhausted. Of course WH volunteers to go get him and drop off the girls as they were "trading" out to give them each time alone ther and time alone here.

At least that gets me a few hours of quiet, gets him outta my place and actually gives him some time alone with his kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Guess that works out for everyone!

OK, I got the copy of the settlement draft from the atty and forwarded it to him.

It is all cut and dry, very straight-forward. I was very liberal with visitation and such.

I TMd him to look at his email, he thought I wrote it myself!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ... NO, remember that atty that I hired?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Is it me? OK, maybe it is!

But each day I am stronger...

Oh yeah, after WH "reposesses" my car for his Mom, HE is driving it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> says the jeep needs new breaks, how conveinent! Grrr!

Okay, so his mommy took back her car. And she's whining that her little boy is just barely getting by. She's part of the reason he is the way he is. She kept him a little boy.

That she took the car back is good. Less reason to have contact with her. That she gave the car to her little boy is her business. She's a bad mother and she's still helping him to stay a baby.

You'll be okay. It sucks, but you'll be okay.

Oh, thanks... but I knew that!

And you are more on there than you know... his "mommy" abused him terribly as a kid. She is a grade A nut! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

No prob, I will survive. A car is steel and rubber, nothing more. As long as the old volvo gets me back and forth to work I am good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can't help him grow up anymore, not my job!