how am I going to be a statistic, and how would my H get my babies?

He is going to KILL you...and I don't mean that figuratively speaking. If he finds out about this OM...and it hits the fan...it will be considered a crime of passion.

You met someone on the internet...blah blah blah...he was overcome with rage...temporarily insane....and the rest is history. THAT is how he will get your babies...and that is how you become a statistic....just another cheating woman killed in a crime of passion by her distraught husband.

Do you think that the years of abuse will come out...NO...and you know why it won't ? Because there is no PROOF of him being anything other than a one time cheater..whose wife took him back...but who, in turn, had her own affair. You post on an anonymous website about it...you do not take the proper action in addressing it.

Seriously KMEJ, this is a plot for the Sunday TV Movie of the Week.

Why can't you see it?

committed

Well, if you are not looking for sympathy, what is it that you are looking for in continuing to do what you are doing in your life. Please help me understand this. Explain it to me like I am a 2 year old. Is it that you still are not "sure" what to do? Is it that you still feel the "principles" can help save the marriage, or is it that you want some "support" in continuing to do what you are doing subconsciouly guised under the principles of "marriage building". Believe me, if you look long enough you can always find someone to see it your way and offer you support.

You have now upped the stakes with an inappropiate relationship.. and that is a very concerning thing.

You know I like you (always have), but without sugarcoating it, you have just multiplied your previous bad decisions by having this EA. What you are doing is extremely irresponsible as a parent and I am very very dissapointed in you. That is the truth. I still root for you, but I am scared for you .

LM

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Post deleted by KMEJ

Yes

Yes.
Probably not.
Most likely yes.
He may in some sense, but he's got a pretty screwed up way of showing it.
And yes.

KMEJ, do you really not get it? Hon, there really is no chance for a REAL marriage with this man. He is abusive! He can and will harm you again. He even did it in front of your son. Do you want your boys to grow up to be him? You are essentially his indentured slave. Is that what you want? You are only 27, do want to do this for the rest of your life? Please listen to these people and get out!

If you're talking about your problems to each other and "helping each other out" emotionally, then yes that's exactly what it is.

Nobody said you're a bad person. I wouldn't catagorize most people involved in an A as bad people, just bad decision makers. You seem to prove over and over again that this is true though.

First thing you gotta do is stop making things worse and quit talking to this guy. This is an EA and the fact that you can't see it as that proves it. Don't make things worse than they already are...it will progress and you may not turn down the ticket next time.

No I want more out of life. I am just to damn scared to go after it.

Yes. As would be the case in most situations.

NO, all of those things we all crave and need. DOn't ever believe that you MUST have ONLY these things with your spouse, BUT having these things with a MAN while you are still married is wholly inappropiate.

The mere fact that you needed to do this to have any satisfaction from your life just shows you how far your marriage is sunken. You went fromn the woman who at all costs wanted to save your marriage to the woman who is now on the verge of an extramarital physical affair.

If you thought things were impossible for your marriage them well, now it is that much worse. If you aren't going to fight for the marriaeg who is.

I don't feel like getting my bell rung by any zeals tonight, but I will say it anyway. I have long thought that your marriage was a "sham" and you were going through the motions "for your kids", but despite your good "intentions" you were/are doing more harm in staying in this marriage. I say you were going through the motions becasue all you did was enable a dysfunctional marriage to get worse. What you are doing now in this marriage is anyone's guess, but it is not saving your kids from hurt at all.

I know that you are going to feel that I am "beating" up on you, but anyone who counsels you to stay one more second in this mess (even if you helped create it) SHOULD BE SHOT !!

LM

Ok, let's talk about what you are afraid of.

Also there is some proof, my sister has dated pictures of bruses, however I guess they will not be able to prove it was him.

Gawd...as long as you have that base covered with
photos .<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ,

I am going to be honest with you...I am now wondering what your "purpose" in posting is. I have noticed for awhile that you like the attention of the men on the board. I have noticed that you will call out the MEN for help...never any of the women that I can recall. You seem to want to constantly interact with the male posters. I am not sure if anyone else has noticed it or not.

I notice that women will respond to one of your threads and you might not be back for days...UNTIL a MAN responds...and it seems that you are right back to posting on the thread. Now, that could be coincidental, so I am not placing much stock in that perception of mine...I might have it wrong.

What I do NOT have wrong is that you thrive on the attention of the men here on the board.

What I do not THINK that I have wrong is that you thrive on being a "victim" of your husband...and whatever conceived status that gives you. There is some kind of payout for you KMEJ...there is...you need to address that as an individual BEFORE you can have a relationship with anyone. Whether you stay married...or move on....you need to discover some things about KMEJ and how to fix them.

I understand that my post might tick you off...and I know that I might tick off other people by being so blunt. If that happens, so be it....I can always refrain from posting to you if that happens.

JMHO
committed

We all know you want more out of life, just be sure you go after it in the right order. Whether you're aware of it or not, having conversations about your marriage (regardless of its state) with another man isn't the way to go about it.

Yes, you do need someone who will listen to you and help you through things. It's painfully obvious that you need that, but get out of your present situation first. Don't give your H a real reason to go after you. That's the absolute last thing you need.

Post deleted by KMEJ

Maybe I am a sick individual who gets off on being abused so I can write about it who knows. I say that with all sincerity.

I wasn't saying that you are a "sick individual". I am saying that there are some people out there that NEED to be victims. They NEED to be victims because it gets atttention that they are otherwise not getting. Have you seen children that misbehave...simply for the attention? Women have been known to make their children ill because they need/want the attention that it garners them.

I am not saying that you do those last things that I mentioned. I am saying that even being a victim has a payout that some people need.

JMHO
committed

Post deleted by KMEJ

If your ashamed to admit talking to this guy then that is your conscience talking... Don't ignore your conscience. Its trying to guide you towards what you know is right. If you feel guilty then you are probably doing something you shouldn't be doing.

You are not accountable for what your H does but you are for what you do. Do the right thing. I know you know it.

Miker

KMEJ,
in no way could I be considered an experienced MBer, because I am not. I am going to kind of echo what these folks have been telling you. Now, in most situations I would be the last person to tell you to end your M. But anytime there is physical abuse, you have absolutely no choice. No choice for you or your kids. Almost ANYTHING is a better option for you and your babies than the current situation. You cant fix this guy. Only God can and you need to remove yourself from this IMMEDIATELY.
As to the 2x4's you have been receiving....they are all warranted. Now, that doesnt make you a bad person as I believe all of the characteristics that you have been accused of exhibiting are in most of us to one extent or the other. You are just a lot more open and expressive about things than most of us. The 2x4er's are trying to help and I think you know that. And you should heed their warnings. Just dont let what has been said allow you to think less of yourself. From what I have read, that is the main problem here. You think that an abusive relationship is an option. It isnt and it never will be for an emotionally happy well adjusted person. GET OUT NOW! And then pray for your H's soul, but dont ever go back.




"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

BY staying in a physically and abusive marriage and letting your children WITNESS your WH hitting you, YOU ARE HARMING THEM. It may not be intentional, but it IS harmful. You are unknowingly (or knowingly) letting your WH's "family traditions" continue on for another generation.

There is NO other way to "sugar coat" this or be "supportive". A great many people (as evidenced by the daily emails I get) don't LIKE my brashness or in your face style. My POV is seen as "anti-marriage building" when in fact that is the farthest thing from my intention. That is ok, but in your situation I don't know any other way to say it to you. For your children sake, stop this insanity NOW.

LM

I suppose one could say I like it when H is mean to me because then I get past that point in the cycle and I am on to the honeymoon part of it.

I can really understand that statement. It doesn't mean that I think it is right...just that I can understand how that could happen.

committed