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FAR,
I would leave out the part about porn addiction, at least on paper. For anything you say can and may be used against you in court. Although we hope for the best, we do not know where this will end up. Hence, you should prepare for all scenarios. If your situation ends up in court you don't want to give WW and her attorney a gratuitous gift to use against you. Thus I feel that this admission, at least on paper, is totally unwarranted.
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Lots of good advice. I will make the changes that were suggested.
Thanks!
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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Update: So ww is laying around, just moping and probably mourning. She has not had much -if any- contact with OM, but he has been out of town with OMW - will return tomorrow.
I am concerned about her other "friend". i have no real proof that she is having a PA with him, but very soon I am going to ask her to eliminate contact with him. I think I will get through another day or two of the current event, though.
Funny thing - I went and kneeled at her side (she was laying on the loveseat) and began praying for her. She put her fingers in my hair. I expected her to pull out a patch of scalp. But she just ran her fingers through my hair.
No acid today - just depression.
Have not had time to print the note yet - but will do it in a few minutes.
another Q? I want to write her a note letting her know this new man will be different from the old one - sexually. No more timidity - missing cues - etc (if ever given a chance) Is now a bad time to give her that note? When would the appropriate time be? I think SF might be #2 on her list (if not #1)
Standing by....
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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Hi, found.
Please stop trying to make her feel better. You can't fix her.
On to the sex issue. She needs to be tested a couple of times before you get back to having sex with her. That means a full-panel STD test, with you getting the results. Don't risk your life because of her behavior. People have died because of such choices.
Also, I understand that you contributed to the condition of your marriage pre-affair. You did NOT make your wife do the things she has done.
'Using' Internet porn because you were horny does not an addict make. Just because you did something that is not in general, a good idea, doesn't necessarily mean you are an addict. 'Using' internet porn in lieu of having sex with your wife when your relationship is good and your wife is willing, IS a sign that you may have an issue. Regardless, now is not the time to deal with that.
Be careful that you don't wear a crown of thorns that isn't yours to wear. It will only confuse matters in your already very broken relationship. Your wife needs a man of character and strength - RIGHT NOW. So do your kids. You have to step up and be that man. You have to be the rock, the firm ground that your wife and kids can trust for a firm footing.
Please stop trying to appease your wife with your failures. She isn't interested right now, and it appears needy to her. You two can work out your marital issues after she is at least partly over withdrawal, and that is weeks away.
Get calm and focused. Your family needs you.
God bless, Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Thanks.
I will heed your advice.
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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I don't think marriages have much right to privacy. What could she possibly be doing that you shouldn't see? Sounds like she is considering continuing the A or starting a new one. Did she meet the first BF on the web?
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Here is a suggestion: Put his stuff in a storage unit. Call him, give him a key to the unit, tell him he has to pay for it or move it, and don't ever come to your house or contact your family ever again.
Don't provide him freeloading storage while he does your WW.
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I'm not sure that notes about how good things will be in the future will do much good until NC is established, FAR. Your best bet is to let her see the changes in you, without 'telling' her about them. Right now, it's likely that her focus is on OM, and she won't truly heed your notes that closely anyway...but I could be wrong on this, and defer to the 'experts' here.
Remember that the end of the A will result in withdrawl symptoms...trust me, I saw it in my wife in spades!! The laying around moping, depression, crying herself to sleep...yup. IMHO, that is a GOOD sign, because it seems to indicate the beginning of the end for the affair.
I'm going to disagree on the 'don't try to make your wife feel better' advice...personally, I did the best I could to help my wife get over her withdrawl for OM, even if I couldn't understand it (wasn't in MB, didn't know the term withdrawl at the time). Show her that you love her and are there for her (Plan A), but at the same time don't do anything at all to support or condone her affair. (Its fine to help her deal withdrawl...but make it clear that your supporting your wife, fighting for your marriage, and fighting for the end of the A...period).
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I am getting tons of good advice here. I appreciate all of it. WW was ready to divorce me and move on b4 she sought the first A. Right now, she has 1. this big A, 2. a "friend" that I am sure really is that but probably also a sexual partner, and 3. another "nice man" at work that is sending her emails, and dropping by to see her at work. She is not interested in working on the M. She may never be interested. I accept that. I am doing all of this to be the man I want to be when the dust settles. Whether or not the love of my life is still my wife. I want to raise our kids with more boundaries than she is currently allowing. I think we could POJA everything. In fact, that is what I would love to do. But she is not a willing party, and might never be.
She wants me to continue to take care of her - fill the house and money need - but still live like she is single.
I will not do it any more. I hope she discovers in all of this that the choice to keep the family whole is the best choice in the eyes of God, but I can not do it alone. She will have to make that decision, and it is gonna be pretty soon. I am tired of living like this, and will continue to straigten out my life. That includes not supporting her if she does not want to be in this family.
Just venting here. Her attitude is very disconnected from me.
Please God, if You will, send a miracle.
I will be ok - with the kids - if You do not. But it sure would be nice.
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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I did not give her the note. I do not feel like it right now.
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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I admire your strength, and want to remind you that God, your family, and the MB board are with you on this.
You are in our prayers.
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Hi, Owl.
Quote: =============================== I'm going to disagree on the 'don't try to make your wife feel better' advice... ===============================
I am interested as to why you disagree.
His wife is a serial cheater, she has multiple men in the wings right now, and has exhibited no intention of stopping her behavior or returning to the marriage. found is doing an excellent job of being strong for her.
This is a character issue, possibly a psychiatric one. Plan A is very unlikely to to fix this marriage.
In my opinion, other than basic human kindness, any other placation of this woman's emotive state is facilitation of her actions.
There's my $0.02 worth :-) Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Gimble-
I definitely see your point. And I have NO experience with multiple A's, or anything really along those lines.
My reasoning is simple...and I think it still applies in this situation too.
It seems to me that his only chance of 'keeping' her is to present himself as a more attractive option than OM(s). Not by condoning her illicit behavior, but by demonstrating real love and affection where possible. Honestly, if she really does have more than one OM lined up at the moment, the odds of FAR saving this marriage right now seem VERY slim (sorry FAR...just calling it like I see it).
By no means do I suggest that he do anything that in any way would seem to give support to her R's with these guys...but any meeting of EN's that doesn't support that, or just showing love in any fashion should be a good thing.
This case may well warrant going to plan B...and forcing her to support herself and making it so that he's no longer FORCED to meet her needs may well help to open her eyes. Or it may well enable her to carry on her 'single' lifestyle as she sees fit too...it's a gamble, and in this case even more so with the spectre of multiple OM in the wings.
FAR, regardless I pray for you and wish you well.
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Gimble, Owl - Thanks for your prayers. Read my post to Gramn. I know it is hopeless, except for a miracle. I pray for and believe in miracles. Thank you, guys.
Keep praying.
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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Two quick things FAR. First, I think, as the Czar of Plan B, that your sitch will need Plan B. Unlike Gramn, who's wife is following the script perfectly, yours has multiple As, etc. But I do not or would not use the word hopeless. Your sitch is the same but different. Your wife will probably take more to get thru to her, as described above... This case may well warrant going to plan B...and forcing her to support herself and making it so that he's no longer FORCED to meet her needs may well help to open her eyes. But whether Plan A works, or you have to go to Plan B...the current sitch is that you have some more Plan Aing to do. Just a little longer. Then you can do my favorite...Plan B!! And we will talk more about that when it is time. Hang tough. You are winning your battle, just as Gramn is. Your wife may be a tougher nut to crack...but that's okay. On wanting a miracle, I have a question. Do you EXPECT a miracle? Do you? Do you EXPECT Him to answer your prayers? What are you praying for? God likes to come in when things are hopeless. That way, when the day is saved, no one involved can claim that they did it. All of the praise will go to Him. So, the more hopeless you see it...then praise Him because you are probably closest to that miracle you seek. In His arms.
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Mortar - all caps: H O P E L E S S
I KNOW the miracle can happen. Otherwise, I would change course and move on.
WW is a treasure. What do pirates do when obsessed with THE treasure? Arrrrgggghhhh! |;)
RE: plan B - I know it is coming. I still have to get the sound gear out of the garage. (it is a stake bed FULL of gear) I will call O-OM and ask for an address where I can send mail. (he is homeless) I will mail to him and let him know that it needs to be out by the end of the week, and he is not to come by unless I am here. I will also verbalize the info while on the phone with him.
Thanks, dude. You are my rock right now.
far
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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My prayer is simple:
(tears) God, Please bring her home. Make me that which will complete her, and bring her home.
foundareason D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!! A Treasure!!
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Might I suggest:
"God, please work Your will in the situation that my wife and I are in right now. Father, please help us to see what You want to happen here, and please give us the strength and guidance to do what You want us to do in this situation. God, if Your will is for us to reconcile, then please work in my wife's heart and mind to make the changes needed for her to come home. Heavenly Father, if Your desire is for us to stay married, help me to make the changes in my heart and mind needed to make this marriage what it should be...a blessing and a gift from You. And Father, if Your desire is that our marriage is to end, then Father, please give us the wisdom and guidance to see that, and the strength to carry Your will through. God, we know that You love us, and want the best for us. Please Father, we leave this into Your hands. God, take this situation and show us all what You want to happen, and make it happen."
That is very much what I prayed for in my situation friend. You can do no better than to ask God to do what He wants...because what He wants is always what's best for us.
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My prayer is simple:
(tears) God, Please bring her home. Make me that which will complete her, and bring her home. Okay, let's look at that prayer for a minute. It is honest and to the point. But, is it how Jesus would pray? Ask yourself that. How did Jesus feel aabout Judas? He loved him. But H eknew Judas would betray Him, knew he would die, and knew he would end up in Hell. Did Jesus pray for God to intervene in Judas' freewill and to force him back to Jesus? No He did not. If you love your wife (which we know you do!!) then you need to pray, not for her return...but for His will. For her to recognize His will. For the Lord to carry you in these troubling times. For Him to give you wisdom and to close doors that shouldnt be opened, and open doors to where He wants you to be. He wants your marriage to succeed. But He will not take away your wife's free will. So, the door that may be opened to you may not be with your wife in the end. You need to recognize that. The miracle may come in a form that you did not expect. I am not being negative here. I still say your marriage has a good shot. But you are going to have to put your marriage, your wife, etc on that alter and be ready to sacrifice it to Him. He wants to know that if you lost everything tomorrow, would you still love Him, would you still follow Him? If the answer is yes...then take that spirit and try that prayer a little differently... "Lord, please watch over me and my family. Please give me the wisdom to know your will and the strength to follow it. Please watch over my wife and make your presence known to her, so that she might come to You. But no matter the cost or the outcome...I follow your will." Pray that FAR...and you will know power and comfort like you have never seen. Pray that...and you will get the miracle He has waiting for you. In His arms.
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MM-
Interesting to look at what you and I posted at the exact same time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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