Might as well call and find out what's up instead of just worrying about it.

Just did a reverse look up. It is a process server.

Oddly, I am not freaking out.

I assume the next step is to call, find out what is up, and get this bump behind me.

edited to add:

I have not studied this part of the process. I know that I have been building a legal case, and this is the beginning of that.

Anyone with experience about what is going on - I am curious about what to expect.

FAR, how are you handling this info? Doing okay? Need some prayers, hon?

slh

I always need prayers. But this --- I was kinda expecting it.
It is early in the morning and I got a good nights rest. I am doing very well.

I keep hoping the fog will be blown away and she will want get counseling and move forward as a nuclear family. But she does not seem to be sending that signal.

I was thinking about composing a note to her to tell her where I am and let her know that I still want the M to work out. A very respectful note. But I do not know if she would receive it. I think she is filing because she thinks I am being vindictive and mean.

But I am doing ok. Ask me again at 11pm tonite.

FAR -

Glad you live in my state. What you are probably receiving from your wife is a summons. That is to notify you that a petition for dissolution of the marriage has been filed with the court.

You will also get a copy of her petition, and have 30 days to respond. I think it costs around $300. to file the response. When you get the papers, you will know what she is asking for.

Also the summons may contain a restraining order - about not withdrawing money from bank accounts, etc. You have to obey whatever it says until you go to court.

You might want to put some money aside before you get the papers. Also she may be able to put you out of the house. I would talk to an attorney about that.

I can help here...but need to wait until you come back and post exactly what this is and says.

In His arms.

Well - this is funny. I have not been served by my wife, but by her dentist. We have been in a dispute with the insurance company about what they will pay, and in the meantime we are now being sued for old bills.

I told this to WW - told her I was suprised it was not from her. She said she is very close because "I can not live like this..." I told her I understand. Lets call Steve and get some counseling and move forward. She did not respond to that.

Anyway - looks like I might need 2 lawyers - but not yet.

Thank you guys for your support and immediate on call attitude. I will keep you posted and let you know if I get any more "strange packages" - in the meantime - gotta go pull some teeth....

Believer, Mortar - thanks!

far

OK. A very interesting day.
Steve and Dr. H hit the nail on the head. They were both worried that 1. I had already lost my wife and 2. that I did not have enough love in me to complete the fight for her.

Well - no fanfare - no depression - no tears - no love.

I have become complacent. Reading Bob's thread about the pain we (BSs) go through - I realized something. I have no passion. Not for my Angel. I read two pages of it. I can not imagine the loss of a child.

But the pain has subsided. I do not grieve. I do not ache. Except for my kids.

I am ready to sign the papers and move on. I will maintain my boundaries. I have developed values that I will need to keep. I do not think I can live in the same house with her. We will likely need to move back to Texas so we can have the support of our family.

But I am ready to give up. My fire is gone.

Mortar - thank you for your help and insight. I will continue to need to lean on you, methinks.

My machine is totally melted.

And I know that you guys always see the "I AM DONE!" threads.
They are always filled with such passion - which indicates they still have passion.

I feel no more passion. I do not know that I am done - I emailed the Angel today with the rules of great marriages. I asked if she would discuss it with me. She may want to talk about building a new marriage. If she does - I will commit 100%.

If not - well.....

I am curious to find out of other BSs who have reached the end have had the same feeling. It was like, at some point yesterday, the switch flipped. No more. My giveashit got up and went. It is sort of eerie. All I care about now is taking the best care of my kids that I can.

I imagined a conversation with WW this morning. In it I said everything I felt. Lovebusters, disrespectful judgements, none of that matters any more. I want to teach our kids values that include - marriage is for one time only - so chose well and work hard at it. Going out with other people while you are married is wrong! Don't do it! Sometimes you may not FEEL like doing the right thing, but it is still the right thing and you have to persevere. It is how God makes you stronger. I said to her in this imaginary conversation - don't talk to me about lying! About deception. I HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL TO THE BITTER END.

The thing is - I am not really sad. Just wishing my kids had a better example.

Oh woe is me. Whatever.

So I guess the question is: When the bank goes dry, is it like the switch is just flipped? Is the line of demarcation always this clear?

Nope, not clear at all.

Look, if you go back to my threads in November and December 2002, I felt like my love was completely gone. When she went to Florida with OM right before Christmas to meet his family, I oddly felt practically nothing. I just immediately sent her a Plan B letter, filed for custody of the kids and went dark. It actually wasnt hard for me at all by that point. I thought that my love bank had run dry.

But, what I didnt know was that it wasnt dry. Have you ever left he lights on in your car and the battery went dead? So, if you turn the lights out and leave the car alone for a few hours, an interesting thing happens. A battery you thought was dead, actually had some residual juice you didnt know about. It recharged itself enough in that time to turn over. And then the car could recharge it fully.

This thing was like that. I knew I still cared for her. But my calmness made me feel like that I too was now over the marriage and over her. And how wrong I was.

Three weeks after I started Plan B, with two weeks to go before our first court hearing, my wife was beginning to call and leave messages a lot. Several times a day. Just stuff like "I just saw a great sunrise o nthe way to work. Wish you were answering so I coudl tell you about it." Now remember, she is still seeing the OM. I am in Plan B. The kids are living with me, so there is limited (very) contact in regards to the kids.

Well, almost a month to the day that I went to a true Plan B, my wife shows up unannounced at the door. She said she was headign home from work and just wanted to see the kids. I told her to go ahead, and she went down to the basement to visit with them (she hadnt seen them in about 8-9 days). And guess what? She was down there all of 5 minutes...and then came up to the kitchen where I was sitting.

I told her that if she was done seeign the kids, she needed to leave. She said she wasnt leaving. I told her that I would call the police if she didnt leave. She stated that I should go ahead and call them, but she wasnt leaving until she talked to me. She was serious.

So, I sat down and just listened. And she said "I want to come home."

Now, the coming home process took alittle longer (two more months). And we did have some setbacks before things finally took.

But the point of me sharing this is that when she told me she wanted to come back, guess what happened to me? All of the love, the feelings, etc came rushing back into me. I didnt know I even still had it. I didnt know where it had been kept all of this time. But there it was.

So, dont trust your feelings on this. You have to continue to use your head throughout this.

I still think the last chapter has not been written on yoru marriage.

In His arms.

OK

MM's example of a dead battery is perfect!

For a 5 year period I lived in hell...refused a divorce. Now her affair was unknown to me until AFTER our divorce so for me it was not an issue. She hammered away at my very core for 4 years..SF was gone, she slept in a different room, we lived seperate lives. I went to MC to try and save marriage , she went for the ultimate oxymoron, an amicable divorce.

So after arriving home to 5 police cars (and my first thought was my GOD what happened to my family) and being served and removed from my home my bank was dry...absolutely spent. I had no more fight left...and I signed off. Moved on...

But with time I was recharged with my love for her. Deep down I knew it but I had resolved that she was never going to feel the same so I needed to move on...

Now, I have moved back in...we're engaged and I remain immensely insecure at times. It is a brutal road to ride on. It still is. But I love her....and WE'RE worth it...

I also agree with MM....the last chapter for you is not written. Use your head..because I thought my experiences had turned my heart to stone...I was wrong...

Good Luck

Send - thanks for sharing. I appreciate it.

I sent an email to WW asking if she would discuss the rules of a great marriage. She wrote back sure - she would discuss it. I wrote to her - "I would like to discuss the idea of you and I building a new marriage on these priciples."

She has not written back. Either her answer is no, or she is thinking about it.

I only care because of the kids, now.

I will ask her to answer tomorrow, maybe. Or maybe just let her think.

I have been kinda depressed at her, since my epiphany. About a day now. I am showing her no emotion - basically ignoring her. She heard me laugh on the phone today and said it was good to hear me laugh. She has noticed I am different, but has not asked what is going on.

Oh well.

Send - thanks again.

Standing by......
static

I am writing letters to W. I compose them and send them to myself (email). Some are just feelings that I need to get out, but others I would like to send her. I have not sent anything but essential communication in the last week or two.
Even with the fire gone, there is a lot to think about and communicate with her. Yes, I still love her. But she has tapped me. But I wrote this, and others, and want to send them, but need advice on whether I should or not. (she may be reading them anyway - she has access and permission to read my email)
Last night's note:

Angel - so much to talk about. I am going to write it stream of conciousness...

I desire to make love with you outside in the rain
to be able to share with you every thought -for you to read every letter (as in 26 of them..) I write
to give to you completely
to hear every word you have to say
to read every letter you write
to make love to you every day from now on
to meet your needs
to work with you through any and all counseling or anything else you will open up to me about
to sleep next to you in spoon configuration
to hold your hand in public
to always be accountable to you for every though - for every moment
to cry with you
to wipe your tears
to hold your head when you are tired
to parent with you
to compromise with you
to discuss our issues and find solutions TOGETHER


Should I send it?

is it going to hurt you if you don't send it?

is it going to hurt you if you do send it and are met with silence?

I'd hope JL would answer this one ... I am not certain

Hey FAR...your comment about 'rules for a marriage' reminded me of a GREAT book that really helped my wife and I out when we started reconciling...

"20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens.

Well, Pep - I do not see how it could hurt to send it. I am also still waiting for a response to my previous email. I will email her and ask if no repsponse means no, or if it means she is considering it.

Thanks.

far

Hey,

I dont think that it would be a bad thing to send her the e-mail. It is you, it is open, it is honest, you still love your wife, cherish her, even though she has hurt you. You are not turning your back on her.

She may not respond to the e email, she may not know how, or what to say, or she may be pissed off that you are not going away (It seems that she is trying very hard to get you to leave her, she may not think that she deserves your love...im not a psych, I just play one on TV <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Only you can decide if telling her what is in your head and heart is worth the possible non response, and if she doesnt reapond, that doesnt necessarily mean rejection. Follow your heart, it is a good one.

There has been a lot of good conversation (emails, anyway) the last couple of days. She is still afraid to open up to me - she is afraid incriminate herself.

I am ready to have a calm talk with her, though. The one where I tell her what my boundaries are. What my values are, now. (they have changed) I will explain to her that, divorced or not, i do not want her going out with anyone else while she lives in the same house as I. I need to script it, and have notes so I stay on task.

I told her yesterday that I no longer consider that I was a virgin when we married. I was experienced enough. And another thread here called it like it is - OS is still sex. Her response was simply - "wow". She did not know what to say. Just "wow".

We are starting to break the ice, again, with intimate matters. It will take a long time for her. She is not sure what I am doing. She believes that all of her communication is monitored.

But I now need to make a move. If she wants to get some needs met outside our relationship - she needs to go do it. We will move to plan B.

BTW - she has cut back to about a glass of wine a night. I think she realized (from reading my journal) that she would sink like a rock in court. She still is VERY worried. That is why she is reluctant to open up to me. (she has told me that)

I am open for suggestions.

Thanks. (I still believe her account in the bank of far is zeroed out. I only fight for the kids sake, now.)

A part of me still loves her, and would love for her to come back to the M. But I am no longer in love.