I posted this on my other topic too - but I almost felt as if it needed its own separate topic. I hope you can all draw inspiration or some sort of wholeness from my story - if anything, just never forget that we are all going through similar things in our marriages - and we are all hear for mainly the same reason - TO SAVE THEM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Never give up hope, as you will see - God can pull us through anything! Take care and God bless!

Okay, I've spent the past twenty minutes typing and deleting furiously. I've been concentrating way too much on how I'm going to do this instead of just simply doing it.

If you're offended by foul language, be warned - some of the things I said in the past aren't too pretty - but they are necessary in my opinion to properly convey certain emotions I was feeling at the time. If this post is unorganized I apologize - its 3:30am, and I ran through a very long story in as short a time period as possible. There are probably a ton of run on sentences and typos <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Before I go any further, there is one thing that I have to say and it is of utmost importance.

I don't care who you are or what you've been through; if you ever take anything away from reading what I am about to write, let it be this: You are who YOU are. NEVER beat yourself up for who or what you are. White, black, blue, brown, orange, green, purple, whatever - we were all born dying, so love it or hate it, don't concentrate on that which has past, but on that which has yet to come because before you know it, it will be gone - and you will have spent your life pondering your actions all the while you could have been making new memories. Control your destiny.
What matters in this life isn't what we do or don't have, but what we do with what we've been given

That being said, I want to share with my life with you guys. If you take anything from reading about the experiences I've acquired during my twenty years on this Earth, let it be hope. Never forget that no matter how bad things may look; there is ALWAYS light on the other side of the tunnel. That being said - here it goes.

Three years ago, I found myself asking myself the same question that every person asks themself,

"What exactly is the point of this? What does my life mean anyways? Why am I here?"

I didn't know the answer at the time but I stood up in front of the crowd at my church anyways and began to speak. As the words came, so did the tears; and the answers.

------------------------------------

I was born a measely twenty years, one month, and nine days ago on May 22, 1985 in the suburban town of Edmonds, Washington near Seattle. I was two months premature.

My birth certificate reads Aaron **** ********.

I was born to my parents Robert and Joan ********, two substance abusers, who magically enough - met in drug rehab - I was the end result. A month after I was born, they divorced. My life was the consequences.

My mother retained custody of me and moved in with her mother and father - my grandparents. My father disappeared.

Although my mom was devestated by my father's affair; she was strong enough to leave him and start a life of her own. She acquired a government job and began taking classes at a local college - my grandfather, a reverend at a local church took over the fatherly role in my life.

A year later, when I was almost two, my mother, was hit head on by a semi-truck driver that had fallen asleep at the wheel - her life ended that day; not physically, but on that day, my mother was sent down a path that would ultimately change our family forever.

I don't know the details because I was only a year old; but I do know this. My conception was an accident. I somehow, against all odds survived my two month premature birth; and on the day my mom was hit by that semi-truck, she had decided to leave me with my grandpa instead of taking me to work with her like usual. The fact that I am here today to tell you this story is NOT an accident.

After my mom was released from the hospital, she was placed on pain medicine. Severe neck and back injuries she suffered in the accident forced her to quit her job - she was 33 years old. During the early years of my childhood, our family was perfect. Things were awesome - my mom loved me to death and never left my side - she took me to the movies, out to my friends; she gave up her world for me.

As the years passed and I grew older I began to notice things changing in our household. The cheery days at grandma's house were beginning to change. I would wake up in the middle of the night only to find myself alone in bed (i slept in my mom's room when I was young). I was deathily afraid of the dark; so I would panic and run into the other room waking up my grandma and grandpa. I would always ask the same question, "Where did mommy go?" they never had an answer. Eventually, I would fall asleep in their room with them, soon after which, I would wake up and find my mom back in her room. This was around the time I turned five years old.

As the weeks went by, the disappearances became more frequent. I would find myself up at night in the living room alone in the dark staring out the window waiting for my mom's car to fill the empty driveway. I would sit up for hours at a time, unable to sleep, waiting for the car - the hours would pass, and the sun would rise - but my mom's car wouldn't come back. Eventually, during the nights, my grandma began waiting out in the living room with me in the dark looking out the window. I always asked the same question, "Grammy, where's mommy?" "I don't know Aarsie bears" she would always answer.

As the days passed, the tears began to come; and eventually, like clockwork - my mom would resurface in the car. "Mom, are you okay? Where did you go?" "Oh, I had to run some errands" was always the answer.

This went on for weeks at a time, until all hell broke loose. I woke up one morning to the sound of yelling and crying and screaming. I ran as fast as my little legs would carry me out into the living room where I saw my mom and grandparents yelling at one another, tears flying left and right. I didn't understand,

"Why is everyone so sad mommy?"
"Aaron, go away!"

So naturally, I left - with no answers.

As these happenings became more frequent, I found myself migrating into my grandparents room at night - I didn't want to wake up alone anymore. I found my mom promising to take me to playground or to my little friends house; and then she would disappear again. Empty promises. Lies. As the night would approach, I would find myself staring out the window again crying.

Eventually, things went off the deep end and my mother moved out of my grandparents house - she took me with her. I left church, and was entered into the world of Section 8 housing and welfare. I was 7 now. My mom, now on disability and welfare, lived with me on $200 of food stamps a month; I remember frequently, for days, waiting for her little yellow envelope to appear in the mail so we could finally eat again. Some months we had power, some months we didn't - it was something I came to live with. At my mom's new apartment, strange things began to happen.

In this new apartment, I now had my own room - a concept that scared me - I had spent my whole life alone waiting for my mom to come home - I didn't want to be alone anymore.
At night, I would hear strange noises coming from down stairs; scary music, weird lights, strange people I had never met, scary looking people began to come into our house at night - everytime after which I was ordered to go upstairs and lock my door. I wasn't allowed to leave my room when this happened; and if I did - I got yelled at or spanked until I was crying in pain.

Strange men began showing up; and strange noises and smells began eminating from downstairs. I was terrified to come out of my room - of my own house - this was shortly after I turned 8.

I grew up in my room, alone, with my TV. I grew up with the characters inside of the TV inside of their world - it was the only thing that took the pain away; the fears and the uncertainty. People like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo were my family.

As the days went by, I decided to venture downstairs again - when I came downstairs, the entire living room stunk of beer and cigarette smoke. I began coughing to the point of effixiation (sp) and had to run outside for air - my little lungs couldn't handle it. The stench of beer in the house made me nauscious. I grew to hate the very sight of beer and cigarettes in our house - I eventually became so outcast I would scream and yell at my mom, "MOMMY STOP SMOKING, WHY ARE YOU DRINKING?" soon after, like always, came the tears and no answers. Sooner then I knew, they would come.

When I turned ten, my grandfather grew ill; he died a few months later on June 22, 1995. I was heartbroken - the only dad I had ever had in my life was now gone. No one was there to take me fishing anymore, no one would stay up with me and watch Hulk Hogan wrestle, or cheer on the lousy Seahawks for the pure love of the game. No longer did I have someone's lap to sit on when I felt alone. Most importantly, my only opening into the church was gone.

I still remember the night my grandpa died; I was sitting in my grandparents house; my mother had dropped me off before they all left for the hospital. The front door opened around midnight, and our family walked in. The first words that came out of my mouth were simply, "Did grandpa die?" the cold and simple truth was, "Yes. Aaron grandpa is dead."

After that night; as if things could get any worse, they did. The highlight in my life was gone - and I was sent off to my mom's apartment again. As the tears came again, so did the problems. A few nights later, I woke up in the middle of the night - I couldn't sleep, I missed grandpa. I ran downstairs to go get my mom, and as I walked down the stairs - I could hear the TV playing. I walked into the living room and spotted my mom in her recliner. When I looked at her, I noticed something was wrong. She wasn't moving and her face was blue.

"Mom? Mom!" I yelled at her, "Mom you're not funny stop it!" I pleaded for her to stop, but she didn't - her face was cold. Tears filled my eyes and the pleading turned to anger, "MOM! STOP JOKING AROUND, YOURE NOT BEING FUNNY! STOP IT!" she didn't move.

I ran my ten year old legs as fast as I could into the darkness out our backdoor to the closest house I could find. I pounded on the door, screaming and pleading, "Someone help! Someone help PLEASE!" minutes passed, and eventually, our neighbors came to their door. I cried and pointed at our backdoor, "My mom won't wake up! I don't know what's wrong!" I pleaded with them. They followed me back to the house.

When we went inside, they took one look at my mom and the man who came with took me back outside. His wife called 911.
The paramedics came, slammed my mom on a stretched with oxygen and began CPR. They rushed off into the night, leaving me alone with the neighbors. "Mom is dead" I thought to myself...I feel asleep alone again that night.

Several days later, my mom came home. I didn't ask questions - I didn't want answers - I just wanted the pain to stop. I figured that if I didn't think about it, it wouldn't happen. If I ignored it, it would go away. It didn't.

A week or so later as I was sleeping, my mom came upstairs and grabbed me, "Aaron, we're going out! Grab your stuff!" her breath reaked of alcohol. "What are you doing? Stop it mom!" i pleaded. She didn't listen. "DONT ARGUE WITH ME AARON!" she pulled me out the front door. "Mom you're drunk stop it! I'm not getting in the car!" "GET IN THE ******* CAR!" she would proclaim - I had no choice.

As we drove into the night, I cried more, looking out the window into the dark praying that I wouldn't die - I watched the center-line of the road pass back and forth from left to right - we swerved back and forth into and out of the oncoming lane - I closed my eyes and thought back to the days I sat with my grandpa and read the Bible. When I opened them, I was still alive, and sure enough the car had stopped. My mom would leave me in the car and disappear for hours at a time as I eventually fell asleep. Other nights, I would fall asleep in my house after which i would wake up in another house that I'd never been in before.

This continued until my grandma became ill and we moved back in with her - it was now 1998. I was 13.

My personal life wasn't the only thing suffering from the things that were happening - my education was falling apart.
In elementary school, I was put on Ritalin and thrown into extensive counseling services. I was labelled a "problem child" and thrown into several classes for the "underpriveleged" and "special" kids. I was immediately assumed incompetent by the school system and my teachers; and suffered strict discipline and actions based on these assumptions. I grew apart from my peers, was ostracized and labeled a "freak" and or "loser" I was the "crack baby boy".

This continued into junior high where it became even more evident that my life was on a one-way course to destruction. i was suspended 3 times for assaulting other kids - two of which I nearly put in the hospital. My temper was out of control; I needed two grown men to pull me off of the last kid who simply said, "Your mom". The last place I saw him was bloodied up in the nurses office, before I was almost charged with assault and battery at the age of 13.

My self-fulfilling prophecy was coming true - and I my life was collapsing around me. I was put into another counseling program, where I was thrown into a room with a man who played checkers with me - I never once said anything about my life to him.

Later that year, my grandma died. My mom inherited the house and sold her apartment. As the bills piled up, we lost power, heat, and water. We lived for about 5 months with no power - the only thing that kept me warm at night was a portable battery powered heater that I huddled next to at night. My mom fell into a huge depression when her mom died - she sat up all night crying; she hated life and showed it through her interactions with me. The pain continued until the last night I spent with my mom - 2 weeks before I 'graduated' from the 8th grade.

I remember that day like it happened yesterday. I had just gotten home from school (the one day I actually didn't skip.). I walked into the kitchen and looked into the living room where I saw my mom limp and blue sprawled half way across the couch and half way on the floor. The table nezt to her was tipped over, her purse was upside down on the floor with its contents spilled all over the floor. I ran into the room, tried getting her attention, to no avail, and ran outside to the nearest phone where I called the paramedics. They rushed to our house while I sat on the kitchen floor crying, pounding my fists in frustration on the floor - I was at the breaking point. i screamed and yelled - the tears streamed down my face - I pounded my head on the floor in desperation. "GOD WHY THE **** IS THIS HAPPENING!" I screamed. "WHAT THE **** DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS ****!" I kept screaming "WHY!" "WHY!"

The paramedics practically busted down the front door after being unable to get my attention during my hysteria. They ran into the house, picked up my mom, began CPR and oxygen, and slammed her onto a stretcher. As they rolled her out the door, I began to pick up her things off the floor. As I picked up her purse, several syringes fell out. I thought nothing of it. Must have been my mom's medicine for her back.

After the paramedics left, I sat alone in the house, in the chair where our family had read the Christmas story together; before things had collapsed and cried. I cried harder that day than I ever had before in my life. What the **** was happening to my life? What kind of God did this kind of thing to people? The questions kept popping into my head, and they still remained unanswered.

Soon after, my aunt and uncle came and picked me up from the house. They told me I would be home within a matter of days. I never went home.

When I got to their house, days later, they sat me down and gave me the answers I was looking for. This was two weeks before I finished the 8th grade.

"Aaron, your mom is a heroin addict"

It couldn't have been anymore straight to the point.

I sat in the room for a minute staring at them, my jaw hanging open - "...what?" I asked. I heard them the first time. "What did you just say?" "Your mom is a heroin addict"

It was true. It had to be. it explained EVERYTHING. The car rides at night - the weird places, weird people, weird behavior - the mood swings, the noises, the smells - the needles in my mom's purse - my mom turning blue...all of it. All of the fighting in my grandparents house.

"No she isn't stop lying. Where is my mom?" "She's in a mental hospital now." "NO SHE ISNT, WHERE IS MY MOM! STOP ******* LYING TO ME! IM SICK OF ALL THE ******* LYING!" I couldn't take the betrayal anymore. I collapsed in a pool of tears and humility on the floor in the fetal position - my screamed as loud as I could in agony. "NO!!!!!!! WHAT THE **** IS HAPPENING TO ME! WHY GOD DAMMIT WHY THE **** IS THIS HAPPENING!" My aunt and uncle had nothing to say. I don't blame them...

I spent everynight that summer crying myself to sleep - screaming and cursing into my pillow became a nightly ritual. I hated life, I hated people, I hated God. I hated the world and I wanted to die. I had lost everything - my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my childhood friends of 12 years or so, my school, my future, my life. It was all gone - I had nothing. I was fulfilling the prophecy - I was becoming my parents. I was involved in drugs at 13, I was suspended 4 times during junior high, suspending in school about 20 times; I finished with a 1.12 GPA. i finished my 8th grade English class with a 6.3%.

All I could keep asking was, "How the **** does God exist? How could a God do this do me? I never did **** to you! I NEVER DID **** TO YOU! Is this FUNNY!? I BET YOU THINK THIS IS ******* HILARIOUS!" Crying, crying, crying...I was lost inside.

I literally had nothing. My mom has sold everything I owned for drug money to pawn shops. I remember my aunt being gracious enough to bail out some of my favorite things. My mom was released from the hospital a few months later; after which she disappeared.

The answers to my life's purpose were on their way. The summer before ninth grade, I was rejected by my old school district and denied entry into the high school my friends were going to. My aunt and uncle decided that I needed something else in my life; something to get my mind off of things. That brought me two things - two things that would forever change my life.

It was agreed that I needed discipline in my life - so my uncle and I decided that I would start an extra curricular activity - this came in the form of Tae Kwon Do. Through Tae Kwon Do, I met a kid named Pete - who would later in high school become my best friend and eventual roommate in college. It is also through him, that I met the person you have all become all too familiar with - my wife Shannon. This was the first major fork in the road of my life that came during that summer. The second road in the fork came in the form of the summer job I started - my first job ever. I was hired by Christian School as a full-time janitor - I was only 14.

That next fall, I was enrolled at Christian School. Four months had passed since my mom had been released from the hospital - we hadn't heard from her since. As the months passed, my aunt and uncle began to act strangely when my mom was brought up. Eventually, they just straight up told me - "Aaron, we think your mom is dead." Seven months had passed.

It was now December of 1999, my freshman year of high school. I was enrolled in tutoring and special ed at the high school, I my GPA was now above 2-point. After hearing of my mom's certain demise; I became even more depressed then I had been over the months before. I got so sick that I missed about a week of school. i remember to this day - that Friday night, December 10th 1999. I was sick as a dog from depression - I was laying in bed, sicker than hell throwing up with a migrane. Pete called me, concerned, and asked me if I wanted to go see the new Bond movie with him, "The World is Not Enough" - I told him i was too sick, and that quite frankly I wasn't in the mood. He sounded bummed, but understanding - wished me well, and hung up the phone.

For some reason however, which I'll never understand, I picked the phone back up and called him. I told him to come down to my house, and that we'd figure out what we would do when he got there. Hours later we walked to the movie theater, headache and nausea came with. I suffered through the movie; and spent the whole time wondering why I had come - my head hurt and I felt like I was going to throw up. By the time we left the movie it was around 11pm.

This following passage is pasted from my online journal, it explains what happened after the movie.

I find the very fact that we met at all enough evidence toward spending the rest of my life with this girl. First of all, I met her on December 10, 1999 outside of the Regal Cinemas which I later worked at in Issaquah. Why was I at the movie? Because my best friend Pete asked me to go with him to see The World is Not Enough. Why was he my best friend? Because I started Tae Kwon Do at the place he trained. Why did I start Tae Kwon Do at Issaquah’s True Martial Arts? Because I was undisciplined and hated life. Why did was I in Issaquah? Why did I hate life? Because in eighth grade the year before I met Shannon, I discovered my mom was a heroin addict and was taken from her house in Shoreline, Washington to live with my aunt and uncle in Issaquah. Why did I go to my aunt and uncle’s and not my dad’s? Because I’ve never known my dad. He left when I was little, and ended up rotting away in some jail I’ve never heard of. Why did my dad go to jail? I don’t know. The verdict? Life throws us all a load of [censored]. We all know it, and we all realize it. However, many of us fail to realize the significance of each and every piddly little happening in our daily lives. In my case, pure and complete indulgent love came with a price, my family. I know I don’t like the way things in my life turned out the way they did, but when I stop, think, and remember all of the tears, each and everyday that I cried myself to sleep during ninth grade, and every instant of lost hope that I experienced, I thank God. Why? Because on that cold December night on the sidewalk between Barnes and Noble and Regal, I met my soul mate, Shannon.

It’s funny really…we hit it off right away. I’ve always been shy around girls, and when Pete introduced me to her, I didn’t feel that hesistance that normally leaves me dazed and confused around girls. I loosened up, and had a night so amazingly fun that it left an impression that lasted for years. To this very instance I can recite what she was wearing, the length of her hair, her shoes (or flip flops in that night’s case) and her pants. I remember the date, the time, and the month….I even remember the movie I saw before I met her. Talk about a lasting impression. Basically, for some weird reason, she was attracted to my idiocy. First of all, I was a ninth grade boy, immature as hell, and I rambled like I was the ****; which we all know I was anything BUT. After driving around in a shopping cart, howling like a monkey, she was hooked….Shannon, you’re strange beyond words, and I love you to death for it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We spent the hour or two together in the cold night laughing at seemingly random, stupid stuff, and before I knew it, the night climaxed with a strategically placed flip flop shot to my rear, ending with me face first on the cement exclaimed an exalted, “What the ****?” followed by an uncontrollable laughter that I will never in my life forget. Watching Shannon roll on the cement in her jeans and Gymnastics sweatshirt practically balling her eyes out in laughter filled my heart with a joy I really can’t explain.

At around 12 or so, I realized that it was late, and Pete and I were going to miss our curphew. I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t want to watch her walk out of my life…but I had to. I said my goodbye…at which point she reached over and gave me a huge hug. I remember that pulse of joy, that instant rush that engulfed my body the minute she grabbed me and squeezed me tight. It was a feeling I wouldn’t feel again for four long years, but by God, that one hug left enough happiness in me to hold me over for ten. Four was a piece of cake. However….I took it a little too far; probably due to lack of maturity and my goo-goo-ga-ga response to her hug that she gave me at the end of the night. When I got home, I asked Pete for her e-mail address. He gave it to me, and two days later I made a mistake that almost cost me her friendship. I proclaimed my undying love for her the day after I met her, wrote her a three page e-mail telling her how amazing she was, and how I’d never met anyone like her. I didn’t know what I was saying, but I typed it anyways. I rushed into things foolishly and asked her to go out with me.

Well…even though what I said amazingly enough ended up true four years later, I still rushed things, and scared the living [censored] out of her. She replied, wondering how in the hell I could feel the way I did over her when I had only met her once. About a week later we stopped talking. I had ruined it. Or had I? For the next four years of high school I talked only of her to my friends, even though deep in my heart I felt it was hopeless. I constantly stole Pete’s yearbooks so I could look at her picture and read what she wrote him in his yearbooks. I missed her so badly, that touch and that smile…during tenth grade we started talking again online, just as friends. She had a pretty serious boyfriend, but I was determined not to give up hope, [censored] happens right? I’m living proof. Well…sure enough they broke up, but it was during a lapse when I wasn’t talking to her, and before I knew about it, she was with another guy. I was crushed. I missed my one chance. During 11th grade, I was still talking about this girl that had magically enchanted me that night two years before, yet I still hadn’t seen her since then. I blabbered to all of my friends how one day I would marry her, and I’d win her heart back, who was I kidding? I had no chance. I hadn’t seen her in two years and she had a boyfriend. Well, during the summer of 11th grade we started talking on instant messenger again. Nothing special, short conversations, not very in depth, until one night when I talked to her for hours. She told me about her childhood and about her troubled past, and I only fell deeper in love. However, I said nothing, I knew she had a boyfriend and I didn’t want to lose her friendship…Well, after that conversation I tried several times to go out and just have a good time with her. I called her house three times, nervous as hell. I hadn’t heard her voice in years, and I didn’t know how to ask her out when she had a boyfriend…so I asked her if she just wanted to hang out. Every single time, I worked myself up more than anything only to discover after calling and actually talking to her that she had plans. I was heart broken. I gave up.

Finally, a year later, I went to one of Pete’s choir concerts, why? Because I heard she’d be there and I hadn’t seen her in three years. I tagged along and watched in admiration quietly from the audience. She was still as beautiful as ever, just like I remembered her. That smile on her face put me in a trance, and I couldn’t stand not being with her anymore, so I left the concert until it was done….I never talked to her; I was too scared/ashamed. Why was I following her around? Was I really that messed up? Why did this feeling in my heart drive me to do such foolish things in the name of a love that she didn’t even feel for me. Why was I going out of my way to do such incredibly dumbfounded things? Was I really that blinded by love? Or was it something…more?

Well…I didn’t talk to her for months after that. Then that dreaded day came…graduation. I thought about her twice while I was sitting there waiting for them to call my name. I never had the chance to hold her again…I was leaving, I had no clue where she was headed, and I’d never see her again, or hear her voice, or feel that gentle touch that sent chills down my spine four years before. It was over, I lost her…I had ****** up horribly; all because of that e-mail I sent her the night after I met her. I hated myself.

Surely enough, I graduated, and two months later packed up my things and left for good, and along with me went any chance I ever had with her. I knew I should have asked her to prom with me. She would have just said no, I told myself…so I didn’t. I’d never know what it would be like or what could have been….or so I thought.

I tried to erase her from my memory, it hurt too badly to think about it. But, on October 26th of 2003, by complete chance, I logged on late one night only to catch her moments before she logged off. After months of not seeing her online. She was spending the evening with her mom and by chance had logged on just before I did. I couldn’t resist just simply saying “Hi.” I missed her, and I wanted to let her know I hadn’t forgotten her. Well, that simple hi turned into an hour talk, at which point I conjured up enough strength to ask her if she’d give me her phone number. She did, and two hours later, I called her. I was surprised to find out that she “HAD MISSED ME.” And that it was “GOOD TO HEAR MY VOICE AGAIN.” I almost exploded in exuberance. Was she kidding? I thought she hated me…thought I was a freak. How could such a heavenly girl be thinking of me?!? I kept calm and continued to talk with her. Turns out she had been thinking about me too over those years, on and off. Whenever she would hear Pete mention me during class it aroused her suspicions, perked her curiosity. She would ask how I was…but she had no clue I still liked her after all of those years. And I never knew she was thinking about me. Over the next three days we caught up on four years of absence. In three days we talked for about fifteen hours on the phone, including the night before we decided to start going out, in which we talked for twelve hours on the phone. My God, time didn’t exist when I was talking to her, I had no clue how I’d fallen so deeply for this girl. And, on October 29th of this year, 2003, she spoke a sentence that scared me more than I’d ever been scared before,

“Do you think there might be something between us?” I panicked,. I knew it, she knew I liked her, and she didn’t want me to think she liked me, she didn’t want to lead me on, and she was about to shoot me down. I swallowed my fear and simply decided to go for it and tell her how I felt. No sense in lying.

“Do you want there to be?” I asked her.

And then she spoke the greatest sentence to ever pass through my ears.

“Yes, if you want there to be.”

I’ve never EVER felt the feeling I felt when she said that. Four years of pent up angst, worry, and pure indulgent fantasy had just become a reality. I typed quietly to myself,

“I’ve wanted there to be something between us for four years.” And so it began…

Through the years in high school, I grew as a man of God and a man of character. I finally heard from my mom again over a year after she left; she had been beatin and raped several times by two men she left move in with her - the $250,000 that my mom received for selling our grandparents house was stolen - and she ended up homeless.

Over the years during high school, as I began to immerse myself in the Christian faith; I found answers to the questions I had been looking for. Going to Bellevue Christian School saved my life. I graduated with a 3.4 GPA, I received a full-ride to Washington State University on financial aid - I acquired my black belt in Tae Kwon Do before I left for school, and won four annual sparring tournaments - I was undefeated. I found other ways to expres s my anger and anguish - my defeated my physical anger problems and harnessed them into my a controlled state of incredible fighting ability and balance over the years I studied Tae Kwon Do. I joined the track team at our high school and broke every school, district, and meet record in the Javelin that i came across - I was first in the state of Washington during 2003 for almost the entire year. I took 2nd at the state meet while throwing with a tear in my Medial Collateral Ligament and severe bone spurs in my throwing elbow. I graduated on honor roll, and was declared Washington State athlete of the week twice - I was also invited to the Washington-Oregon meet of Champions the summer after i graduated high school. I threw for one year in Division-1 competition for Washington State until October 26th, when I suffered irreversible damage in my throwing elbow - the same night I came home early and ran into my future W online for the first time in months - which led to our marriage.

My mom has sense recovered and is in a new apartment, she is getting treatment for her problems. Less than three months ago, I talked to my father for the first time in over 11 years - he told me that he missed me, and that he was proud of the man I was becoming - the man that he never was; hearing that from him brought me a sense of closure about myself.

I am the first person in my family to have entered a four-year university - I will be starting my junior year this fall; I have a 3.3 GPA - and am double majoring in Criminal Justice (i wonder why) and Broadcast Communications in the Edward R. Murrow School of Communications. I successfully completed the Police Academy here for the Washington State Police Department and was an Intern for six months until i realized that I didn't want to risk dying, so I came home to my W, and focused fully on classes.

When Shannon and I married; we made a promise to each other. We told one another that no matter what happened - or what hell threw in our paths; that we would strive through the pain - and that we would NOT end up like our parents. Why am I fighting so bad for this marriage? Because I love her - and I promised her that no matter what, I would never get up on her or us - and I meant that. I can forgive her if she commits an A...My goals in life have always been driven by becoming what my parents were not - and that is a good, loving, father with morals and hopes in life. A man of God who cares for his family before all else but God - a man who can stand upright on his own two feet and pull his family along with him. Its been an incredibly hard journey - and there hasn't been a day thats gone by where I haven't doubted my ability to finish this long haul - but with God's unending grace and mercy, along with the guidance of loving people like you people on this website that have given me the strength I needed when I wasn't able to stand on my own two feet - I know I can pull through. The last four weeks have been harder in comparison than the whole 19 years I have faced since I was born - its a different kind of pain, one in which I can't explain.

I made a promise to myself LONG ago that I would never lose sight of myself as a person and the goals that I'd made for myself. And thanks for what has happened in my life - I haven't.

When I wake up every morning, I thank God that I'm alive; and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't thank Him for putting me through what I've been through. I have learned more in 20 years than I could have ever hoped to have learned in 70 in any other circumstance. The friendships and memories that I have shared - as well as the beautiful marriage that I've shared over the past two years with my W is something I will never forget - nor will I ever again take for granted.

Although I may never get her to come back - I do know that I know because of what has happened, that I will never again make the mistakes that I did. Losing my W over the last 4 weeks has brought me closer to God than I have ever been in my life - I had acquired an immense desire to succeed to even greater lengths than what I had previously acquired, and am looking forward to going back to school and finishing my last two years STRONG - with or without my wife - I will become the man my grandpa was. An independent and self-sufficient man who can support a family and himself through the hard and easy; through doubt and disbelief. Knowing that one day - whether it is with my W or not, I will have children that grow up with a loving dad who won't abandon them is something that gets me up every morning - no matter the circumstances.

Never forget that although we may not always understand why things happen the way they do - they do happen for a reason. My family fell apart for a great reason; and this is proof. I'm not here where I am today by chance.

Finish reading this post knowing this:

We get what we get for a reason - stay true to yourself and to God and He will reward you. Never give up faith, no matter how hard things may get - look at the story of Job in the Bible. God answers prayers - and he makes miracles happen - my life is a living example; and spreading His message is my purpose for living - that is why I was born; that is why I survived my C-section. To give you my story. What you take from it is up to you.

Psalms 34:18 got me through life - will it help you?

God bless guys - have a good night.

-Aaron

By the way...if you were wanting to put pictures to this story - be my guest - here we are. All of our good pictures together are still in our old apartment which is 400 miles away, so i had to deal with these ones for now. Take care guys -

http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/4102/dvc003378er.jpg - Me
http://img276.imageshack.us/img276/8876/dvc002828tq.jpg - Me
http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/5859/dvc003854hu.jpg - Me
http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/762/dvc003404ue.jpg - Me
http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/2139/captain10246he.jpg - Me
http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/7189/dvc003410yw.jpg - Me throwing javelin
http://img276.imageshack.us/img276/4256/dvc004973nc.jpg - Shannon
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/4995/dvc004968sa.jpg - Shannon
http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/814/yearbook7tb.jpg - Shannon
http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/760/kiss9gk.jpg - Us together
http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/8656/hug7gl.jpg - Us together
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/9439/dvc004942uv.jpg - Us together

Wow Fox, what a story. It held me in suspense just reading it. Having to live through all that is absolutely incredible. Still your life is ahead of you. U look like a young Ben Affleck. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope your W comes to her senses. One thing I learned is that we may lose all here around us but our R with God is lasting. He is the one person who will never abandon us though sometimes it feels like it. I recall the account of Job who like yourself lost all then got it back.

I am quite proud of the man you have become and wish you success on your future. You are young and have a lot ahead of you. Don't let life keep you down. There is more to life than what we have experienced. Make sure you make good choices. Safe choices, happy choices. Be responsible and have a good attitude. You already are showing those fine qualities.

I am going to ask my son who is only 10 to read you story. I want him to know what some children have to undergo at such a young age. It is a shame parents are sometimes more of a burden than a support. Still with the right attitude we can survive.

Thank you bunches for sharing your story. You have matured beyond your years. Don't lose your good will.

Sending you an {{{MB Hug}}}. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Aaron

oh wow that is a such a sad yet happy story of your young life to date. No wonder you have the strength to get through all this ws pain.
Everyone who knows you should be proud, everyone who watched your journey should be inspired. Should my 18 yr old son who is soon - well next Jan but its too soon for me - to go to the Defence Academy turn out with such strength we could not ask for more.
In a few days I'm going to have a new baby and again I am reminded how precious a child is by your story.
Your faith is so encouraging. I wish my H could find that for his sake but the war has sadly changed him. But I hope he will find his way back in his own time.
Thank you so much for sharing your life Aaron, more than ever I am convinced you have the strength to fight for your Shannon.
a big hug for you too [[[[Aaron]]]] now I have to rush of and soak my feet ,,they ache <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Aaron,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. What a testimony. I pray that if it is God's will he will answer your prayers. I wish I had half your strength, no even 1/4 of your strength. You ARE so young, but SO wise already.

You will be the Man your GrandPa was.

Blessings!

Kim
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, Age 5
Still Contact
Trying to Expose

Aaron -

What a wonderful story!

It is the strangest thing, but I waited up last night until 1:30 because I sensed something very important was coming from you - something that I needed to read.

Your writing has me in tears this morning. One of the biggest heartaches of my life involved a 15 year old girl whose parents were heroin addicts. She was my son's girlfriend.

I won't go into all of the details, because you know them already - the family being evicted 2 days before Christmas and the parents not even showing up to collect their daughter and her younger brother, and all of their belongings, and things going down from there.

Sheila was a bright and beautiful girl who touched my life as I tried to help her for 6 years.

Thanks for sharing how you came through all of this. It gives me hope that she will too.

Please stay in school and keep your wonderful attitude. Shannon will have to make her choices too. You be the one to lead the way.

God Bless you Aaron.

Believer - boy can I relate?

I have seen some miraculous things in my life - not all of which were explainable.

A few weeks before Shannon and I were married, we learned, like I said in my other posts that she had Graves disease. Her hyperthyroidism had her resting heart rate at incredibly dangerous levels (Upwards of 150). One night we were at my mother's house, and Shannon collapsed grasping her chest in pain. I didn't know what was going on; but I saw it was serious - at first I thought she was having a heart attack. She gripped her chest fiercely and grimaced in pain - tears began streaming down her face as she cried in agony. My mom rushed to call the paramedics as I knelt down next to her and squeezed her tiny little hand in mine. I didn't really know what to do - I wasn't a doctor, so I did the only think I could do - I told her to look into my eyes as best she could and concentrate on me and not the pain. The tears kept coming, she was now at the point of screaming in agony. I pulled her close to me, put my right hand on her chest and started praying outloud with her. I asked God to come down and place his healing hands on her; to take away the pain as fast as possible - I prayed and prayed and prayed; and when I opened my eyes Shan had stopped crying, her body went limp in relief as she exhaled deeply.

She stopped crying for a few seconds, felt her chest for a minute, looked at me and broke down crying again - this time tears of confusion. "What just happened to me? What did you do?"

I was in nearly as much shock as she was - I just sat there and stared at her, proclaiming simply, "Are you ----ing serious?" She looked at me in astonishment and cried, "God just healed me? What just happened Aaron" She broke down; and a few days later gave her life to Christ.

It was the most miraculous thing I've seen physically in my life. She was convulsing in pain, screaming, and in seconds it all disappeared and her heart rate stablized.

Things like this don't make me wonder about God's presencence, they make me PRAISE IT! Other things like that have happened in my life too - not necessarily in that serious of a situation or as extreme, but other things have happened. God is amazing - we are so lucky to be alive. Not to mention blessed with such an amazing Creator.

What an amazing story! And what an amazing man you have become, to've faced your demons and overcome them as you have! I am in awe when I remember some of the details of your story. The Lord was surely looking out for you; he had a Plan for you through this all.

He always does.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this story with us -- it is phenomenal. Our God is an Awesome God, isn't he?

StillLovingHim

I applaud you for your maturity and struggles...and more importantly how you have dealth with them. There are many many many people who could NOT or more factly DO NOT trascend the boundaries that you have been given in your young life. There are few things that move me to tears, and your post was one of them. Irregardless of how your marriage works out, you have a strength that few people have, and you WILL once again weather this storm.

Marriage or no marriage, your character and integrity remain strong.

Bravo to you.

LM

LM,

Thank you for your kind words. I find it entertaining that, although my perserverence and "inner-strength" while I am alone in life may be my strongest personal qualities, my biggest weakness falls under my inability and incredible fear of being alone - quite the paradox huh?

Sometimes - I wonder if I'm fighting for this marriage because I still love my wife or if its because I don't want to be alone again; however, when I sit and think about it - I've been alone for four weeks now...its not too horrible anymore. I want her to come back because I love her; and I love what we had. I won't give up.

I think the human body's ability to cope with stress is an amazing thing. My "fighter's spirit" has become so strong through these things, that I find myself wondering if I hadn't gone through the things with my parents and family, would I be strong enough to fight this A like I am? Probably not...like I said, everything happens for a reason.

All i know, is that because of everything that has happened; I don't really find myself surprised by "insurpassable obstacles" when they drop in front of the road that is my life - all I can do is look back on the road that I've already traveled and laugh at the path that is still to come. When something bad happens now, I just laugh at it and tell myself the same thing everytime with a quiet chuckle.

"Figures..."

God bless -
Aaron

That is a tough question and everyone one of us who goes through this will have had to answer that question also.

I think someone above gave you great advice. You cannot possibly have a healthy, completely mutual, relationship untill you fix the issues that you have. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH METTING YOUR WIFE'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS PER SE. What I mean is that obviously you have a great fear of abandonmanet. Anyone who has had to deal with the complete and utter devestation that you have had to deal with will have these issues. Just by reading your posts, I feel an almost obsession like feeling you have with your wife. You doting on her and near "worshipping" of her will NEVER bring her fully back to you. You are actually smothering her and you may not know it. You are probably doing what you did 8 years ago when you sent her the email. What you may see as "love" she may see as control.

PLease go back to read Cymanca's link to you.

I think there is NO QUESTION that she has been unfaithful to you (EA at the very least), and probably more. You can't do anyting to change her. Once you can accept this dogma, you can begin to heal. You can treat her kindly and show her respect and do all of the Plan A things discussed here, but my hope for you is that along with all of this you get serious IC to deal with your own very real issues.

We ALL come from dysfunctional families (except the Harley's ofcourse <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), but some more than others. You got dealt one of the worst hands of all. You have to "get right" with yourself first before your wife can ever come back to you. Although it IMO that your WW coming back to you has really no bearing on what you need to do, as you are a young man and have a great life ahead of you, and that WILL involve some woman (WW or not) and you will be doomed to repeat history if you don't fix it now.

You may have anger issues, fear of abandoment issues, or unresolved shame, or whatever from your childhood, but now is the time to "get right" with yourself. I hope that your WW comes back to you, but you have to live life IRREGARDLESS what she does. You and her are very very young (although unfortunatley life has made you "old" by experience) so you must realize that she may be "changing" now and she ***may*** not be the person you thought she was. Noone knows for sure. People like to talk about aliens taking over the WS, etc.. but in your case, you must fully realize and understand that your WW may just "not be" who she was or who you "want her" to be.

18 year old girls date a lot, they party, they experiment, they grow and change. While your WW may want a family someday, what she may want now is to just do what any other girl her age does. I do not know the statitics of teen marriages, but no doubt they are much less successful than the already dismal statistics of marriages as a whole.

Your experiences have made you grow up far younger than you righfully should have had to.... Your situation is somewhat unique and given your circumstances and your WW's circumstances, this just adds more elements to the situation. I do just want you to realize that what you read here of other's situations may not necessarily be the same for you. This may be good or bad, but it is a fact that you need to consider.

I hope that you can do the things you need to do to continue the strides you have made in your life. You are too young to have the scars and experiences you have had. It is not fair, it really isn't. My best wishes are extended to you as you navigate this difficult time in your life.

Goodluck,

Sourmale, MD

Just bumping this thread - keep spreading God's glory! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aaron -

Glad to see you are still doing well. I wish NCWalker would check out this thread. He writes wonderful stuff about the Lord, and he is going through a terrible time.

He used to be around all of the time, but now only checks in from time to time.

Believer, are you going to email this to him?

Hi again Aaron.

slh

(((( Aaron )))) Please feel the hug from me. Your story brought tears to my eyes for numerous reasons. Please keep posting.

God bless you, Aaron.

Carnation

SLH - I will look for his email address. I used to have it on the computer. But I think NC may just show up. I wish I could find some of his old posts, but since the board changed I have trouble searching.

But Aaron - His posts would knock you on your A**. You two are a lot alike.

B, please email me:

*******************

Sorry for the TJ, Aaron.

slh

SLH - My email is down right now. I will have to wait till I go to work on Tuesday.

Okay, I'll send it to him, kay? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

CC'ing Faithful, too. . .


slh

FoxOr,

What a truly marvellous testimony. Full of victory and belief. I am in awe with the others over what you have overcome and the wisdom you have at such a young age.

But if I may, and I do so humbly, I would like to show you some things I have learned about myself in my struggles that I see in you. Or may see in you. Or at the very least saw in what you posted on this thread.

A Christian Man is Drawn to Duty
Fox, the contemporary churches in the US LOVE dutiful Christian husbands. Because they don't stretch the boundaries, explore, or make people think. I was driven by duty my whole life, actually bound by it. And it can become a prison. And you start to feel good and be praised for what you can bear, like there is some viture in bearing a hardship. There isn't. Christ promises us that we will overcome. There are BUNCHES of promises in the Bible we can realize. And the dutiful man tends to not pursue them because that would remove some of his burden and he could not walk strongly in duty.

But God wants us to walk in VICTORY. He likes our OBEDIENCE, but part of that obedience is to pursue his promises and achieve VICTORY.

Christ was the LION of the tribe of Judah. It is OK to be a lion. You are supposed to be, when the time calls. It is OK to break free of a bad situation and not look back. The disciples themselves were told to spurn the towns who rejected their message, knocking the dust from their sandals.

When does God work with greatest strength in YOUR life? When you OBEY HIM. You know that, what about the OTHERS in your life? Would not the rules apply to them too? Or are they just for you?

So you have been gifted in duty. That's OK. That is a powerful blessing to others. But the rules DO apply to them too. Think about it a bit. If those in your life whom you are bouying up out of duty walked in obedience, God would be a greater blessing to them. If they are content to wallow in their own quagmires, God will usually let them. Why would he ask YOU to sacrifice all? He is your Father, most fathers do not ask their children to do anything they wouldn't do. Got it?

His command is to love one another. His command is to be a light. He does NOT tell us to throw OUR lives away out of a sense of duty. He may yet ask us for our lives, but those will not be the circumstances.

Just asking you to pause, my friend, as someone who has been there and learned the lesson a little late. Listen to Him, and do a gut check on your sense of duty.

Do you think the tender of the lighthouse would keep the lamp lit 24/7 if all the ships ignored him and crashed on the rocks anyway?

Delicate balance. Very much hinges on hearing God and knowing when He is speaking to you. You sound like you are there, or at least close.

NCWalker

Okay, the scariest thing ever just happened to me - and I don't know how to interpret it, but I almost actually think I do.

NCwalker - your timing mixed with what JUST occurred in my life has just given me a HUGE sense of what I have to do - although, I want clarification before I do anything.

Either the timing here is remarkably coincidental or its God's working - that I do not know.

I just woke up in a sweat - I just had the most VIVID, color, detailed dream of my life. I never remember my dreams; nor do I actually wallow in them - but this dream was so real I SWORE I was there. I was living in this dream - I wasn't watching it in my mind. I have never had a dream like what just happened - it was so horrible it woke me up, and even though I didn't get very much sleep last night I am wide awake right now.

I have wondered about what happened with my W that night she left our house to go to the OM's house against my wishes when I was crying and begging her not to - she stayed the night and didn't come home until 4pm the next day, but I believed her when she told me nothing happened. However, that day she destroyed trust in our relationship - I've always been skeptical, and after the timing of this dream and your message have correlated perfectly like this, I find myself doubting the authenticity of her story again.

This dream was HORRIBLE - like I said, I've NEVER had a dream like this before - it was REAL. I take heart medicine and one of the side effects are dreams so real that they will seriously mess with people's heads - but I've been on this medicine for almost 2 years now and NEVER had one of these dreams, so I don't attribute it to that now. It had to have been something more.

The dream was so real - it had the OM in it and my W, and my W confessed all to me, everything about what really happened - I was it all in detail; she was vindictive and hostile in the dream when she talked to me. Almost as if Satan himself were talking to me through her (Sorry, this sounds so weird, but this dream seriously has me terrified this morning, I've never experienced something like this). She was laughing at me as she told me the things her and this OM did that night - my heart collapsed and I began to cry and wallow in pity for myself. As my weakness grew, her spite and anger grew ten fold; the details of the A became more and more clear - the picture in my head clarified even more - by the time the dream was over, I had crumbled from a man of integrity into a man of weakness and insecurities - I wasn't even a shadow of my former self.

It almost felt like God was TELLING me in this dream that I need to leave this relationship - or something; trying to get something through to me...I don't know what though. My W has sent emails I wasnt supposed to see saying that shes never been unfaithful though - and I dont know why she would lie to others who dont even know me, so what would be the point? Why did this dream happen now? Just random happenstance?

This has completely changed my view on things though - am I even supposed to be fighting for this marriage? My W has been dead to us for so long - and her faith, is an extreme question. I even asked her once, "Why are you doing this? Divorce isn't part of God's plan!" and she was simply like, "Maybe I don't believe in God like you do".

She had always, earlier in our relationship, noted how she felt inadequate to me because I was a "strong Christian man" and she didn't believe in God - sometimes she would cry saying "I don't deserve you". Did she "accept" Christ into her heart to impress me? I don't know the answer to that...but I'm seriously in a loop now. What has this meant!? This dream wasn't random.

I was full of hope for this marriage; but its almost like God looked me in the eyes this morning and said, "Aaron - you need to be away from this, it is destroying you"...at least in the dream, it was - and in a physical sense I can see how it is. I have high blood pressure now; constant anxiety, and I always feel sick.

But what about the recent change of things? My wife's peaked interest in us again; WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!?!?! This is SO confusing, this has just thrown me into a HUGE loop. Am I staying because of duty - or because I think it is best for me and God? When I stop and think about it; I wonder if it really is. How is being with a woman who is unforgiving and vindictive; who loses sight of our relationship to run to OM for whatever reason; and drags me out of my relationship with God worth it...

...but in the other sense, why did God bring her back into my life? She was gone for 4 years - but I prayed, and he brought her back. UGH!!!!!!! HELP! I meet with her tomorrow; and this dream is going to mess with my head - the gory details of the A in my dream are haunting me now. It was so vivid; every detail - the things she said to me were horrible.

Or is this the devil taking advantage of the fragile state I'm in, trying to turn me away from what I am really supposed to do; and more importantly making me believe this is God's doing?

This dream was so vivid it woke me from DEEP sleep - and as soon as I woke up; I saw your post - which correlated to this in everyway (assuming i read it correctly).

UGH!

-A