I am using a "posting id" cause I am embarassed to even be here asking this.

I am separated, having filed for D from a WH who had multiple As and shows no inkling of stopping. We have been separated roughly 7 months now.

Out of curiosity alone, I went to Macth.com. (Ok, some lonliness too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )

I know, I know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well I had already pulled the "ad" or whatever you call it, but I had received an email from one guy who lives about 75 miles away and seemed harmless enough.

We exchanged several emails and then started IM chatting. He gave me his phone number and asked me to call in response to a question that was "too long" to answer via IM.

Well 2 nights this week I have talked to him for more than an hour each time. I was up until 3:30 am last night talking with him.

Now, before you jump on me (ducking the anticipated 2x4s) there only has been some flirting and a whole lot of talk about my failed M and his 2 failed Ms, one of which was ended due to his WW.

He has 3 kids and lives alone when they are not there. He has MANY issues that he is still dealing with, mostly the "whys" and "feeling like a loser" due to 2 failed Ms.

His last D was final 11/04. Mine will be later this year.

I don't know what this is.

I sent him some pics and he to me. He is really not someone I would normally even go for (based on PA only) and I get the feeling that I am very different from the women he goes for too.

Still, I think our talks have become sort of intimate due to the content alone (like his feelings of sexual inadequacy) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

What do I do? I am not planning on having an A and since I am still technically Md I would say that the potential is there. I am not even sure if I like this guy or if he likes me, but there is obviously something there...right?

I am so confused and not sure what to do, if anything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am very leary of ANY man right now since I was burned so badly, still this guy seems to be another hurting soul that I feel drawn to.

OK, I hope I don't run away crying after the responses here!

And FWIW I did mention MBs to him more than once, since it is a big part of my life right now, plus I think he may find some useful info.

My normal answer to this question is to wait. Many books say at year for every six years you were married. I also always say to take time to heal and grieve the loss of your marriage before venturing out into the dating world. Ohhh and I usually also say to wait until you're no longer lonely (i.e. needy) before venturing out.

But the fact is that there is no clear cut answers. I do believe that all that I mentioned above is best and provides the best opportunity for later dating success. I, myself, waited over 3 years. As I see it there are a couple of options:

1. Wait and do all these things as have been suggested.

2. Date with full knowledge that anyone you date is a "through-a-way". But still, have some fun while continueing to work through your issues because recognize them or not, nature will not let you forgo the grieving process.

3. Seriously date now. If you haven't taken time to heal issue's will arise. I will caution you that healing during a relationship is hard on you and your partner.

4. Substitute another partner for the emptiness left by the end of your marriage. This is the worst one, imho, and almost always leads to atleast one person getting their heart broken. And when that substitute falls by the wayside, guess what, now instead of only grieving the loss of your marriage, you are also left to grieve the loss of the new relationship.

One of the major reasons it is said to wait is because shortly after a break-up and until you've healed, typically you are not in a "healthy" mental state. Therefor, what you see as a healthy relationship is relative to where you are at in the healing process. So entering into what you believe to be a great relationship too soon, will be looked upon very differently as you continue through the process.

I've been on this site long enough to watch many people continue to hurt themselves and others by venturing out too early. I've heard people say "I'm in the heathiest relationship I've ever been in" when dating too early, which may be true, but again once they did heal and looked at that relationship through healthy eye's, they were amazed at what they were settling for....

[color:"blue"] H4E,

Most of the board here feel that if you are still married, then technically, you ARE still married. I understand how you can be lonely though, and wanting to ease that a little.

FWIW - I think 75 miles is a long way away and the commute to see each other is going to become a nighmare, especially if you end up having to juggle children and a dating schedule. It usually sends up a red flag to me when some guy contacts me from pretty far away. The only one that didn't was a guy that lived in a fairly remote area, and was forced to cast a wide net.

That being said, I wonder why he wants to tell you about his sexual "inadequacy"? Does he think that by telling you this that he will challenge you to be the one to make him feel like a man again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't want any guy right now that seems like a hurting soul. That kind of stuff needs to heal before a new (healthy) relationship is possible.

V. [/color]

Thx to you both. I appreciate the input.

FWIW I am not sure WHAT to call this thing that is happening. It isn't really a relationship, least not like I would normally define one. It is a sort of friendship, I guess. It is a communication for sure, but between whom?

Yeah, really too complicated! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I know that IF I got into anything right now it would not be a "permanent" or "keeper" sitch.

I have not dated in years and I am lonely. I miss companionship and I miss the connections. In some weird way this guy sort of fills that void, I guess.

I have no intentions of dating right now. And I do not want a long distance relationship. I have even told him that he needs to move past his Ds, not implying anything other than I felt he was stuck, not offering him incentives <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I agree that I am not healed yet. Doing very well, if I don't say so myself, but I am not DONE yet. I get that. Still, is it not human nature to want to seek connections outside of ourselves? Is that what we do here everyday?

Where does that connection cross the line? Is it ok to continue communication? Or does that basically, by definition, constitute a "realtionship"? Can't that relationship be a friendship that does not violate the vows I have upheld for so long (not that it mattered for other parties <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> ) or, as in my biggest fear, does this have the potential to be an EA?

Thx again, I know how difficult this is for many of us. M is sacred to me and I have hopes that I will be able to enter into that bond again one day, not NOW, but one day.

Cathartic is what I would call it.

I have a female friend in Texas (me in Ohio) who I met via chat. She has been through 2 abusive marriages and we both dumped our crap on each other for almost a year.

We still talk all the time, still trade stories, still are dumping grounds for each other. Probably talk on the phone 1X-2X a week.

It's good to have someone like that for me and her.

But a relationship? Hell No!!

Good Friends..Oh yes!!

Maybe that is what you are getting involved in?