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#1419076 07/06/05 10:21 AM
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Hi all -

I've lurked here for about two years, but this is the first time I've ever posted. There are lots of very brave and helpful people on this site, and you all and Dr. Harley should be proud of what you've built. For all involved in infidelity, this is a beacon of hope and help.

I'm the WH. I'm 34. Been married almost seven years. My A lasted about five months during a very difficult time in our marriage (first few years of marriage, very busy with work and grad school, very high-stress for us both, lots of fighting). The A was mostly just conversation, but a few times when we kissed -- no sex. I ended it more than two years ago. After it ended, I told myself that I just couldn't hurt my wife so badly by telling her, and that I would dedicate myself to improving the marriage on my end. I've spent the last two years doing that and by all accounts (my W included), it really became better and healthier than ever.

Oh, and as far as NC is concerned, OW and I work together, so I've had continued contact over this time, but nothing inappropriate at all. We've remained work friends and that is it. Before you beat me up too badly on that point, however, I did call and establish NC today. OW took it well and agreed.

I thought I had gotten through it and could keep it to myself and take my secret to the grave. Well, about eight weeks ago the memory of the A reared its ugly head again -- bad -- I could barely function and again became very depressed and guilty about the whole thing. My W began to notice and started to blame herself for not being able to make me happy. I couldn't live with that, plus the pain of the A memory, plus this single glaring dishonesty in a marriage that had otherwise improved so dramatically, plus the fact that she is now pregnant with our first child, so I finally confessed to her last week.

She deserved to know. It just came out during a very emotional night of talking and crying together. I didn't intend to tell her and I still wish I had waited until a less stressful time for her (but more about that in another post later).

She took it well initially, telling me almost immediately, "we'll get through this," and "it's going to be OK." She even at first started to say she was sorry for not being there for me when I needed her and that it pushed me into this. I stopped her immediately and told her it was 100 percent my fault and not to blame herself.

I've told her how much I love her, how much she means to me, how sorry and remorseful I am, and how I'll do anything to keep our M together.

She told me I needed to go to IC, which I've already started this week. I mentioned to her that she might want to do the same, or that we may want to do MC together. She says she's not sure about that -- saying that IC would just "drag out the memory" for her and that "we needed MC seven years ago -- not now. We've learned how to finally deal with each other over the past couple of years without counseling."

It's been almost a week now and we're still trying to get adjusted. She doesn't really want to talk about it (no questions yet about A details), and I haven't pressed, other than to tell her that I'm here for her 24/7 and will be ready to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, to move things forward (on her timeline) and help begin the path to recovery.

She's very tired because of the pregnancy and a very stressful time at work, and I can understand that she doesn't want to deal with this right now. She's said over and over that she "just wants things to be back to normal" and that she's "sad" and "confused" and that I'm "the last person she would ever expect to do something like this." I assume she's just still in the shock and denial stage, and I'm getting buckled up for the anger phase next, but it doesn't seem to be coming (it's only been a week). She obviously doesn't want to be touched by me (completely understandable), although she will sometimes permit a forehead kiss and occasional hug. She needs physical affection right now and it's killing me to see her not be able to get it from me because of what I've done.

So, here I am, just waiting. Waiting to see if she's going to get mad, give up, or get even somehow. I'm a mess, and she tells me that she feels sorry for me and the state I'm in. I tell her to worry about her, not me -- I deserve how I'm feeling, she doesn't. I'm trying to be strong but the tears come very easily (like this morning -- I woke up with my hand on her back in bed and she promptly removed it -- it was tough). I'm still in the house and she's let me stay in the bed as well.

I just don't know quite what else to do, so I'm looking for any input from all you pros out there.

I know it's early, but what do you think the prospects are? Any insight into what's going on in her head, or what tomorrow may bring? Anything more I can do? Anything I've done right? Anything I've done wrong (other than the obvious, of course)? How can I be stronger for her? I'm most worried that she's just opting not to deal with it at all and that it's going to be a much bigger problem later.

Just looking for some help and thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

-----------------

WH (me) 34
BW (her) 34
baby on the way
married almost 7 years
PA/EA Dec. 2002-Apr. 2003
d-day 06/30/05

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just give her time.....do the counseling and follow her lead for now. she may very well be shelving it for now---during the pregnancy. time and patience....keep reading and posting.
only suggestion i have---cut all contact from ow...quit if you have to. get the he// away from her....NOW. dont question it---just do it. do it for your wife and for her healing...get out the paper and start looking for a new job today!


what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Welcome to marriage builders. You did the best thing in confessing to your wife. Would she consider reading or posting here?

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Could I say that as the BS I guess one of the things that I would mostly like to hear from my FWH is "I am sorry". If you are sorry then I think if you haven't said it already then you should let her know.

Just a little tip from a BS.

HINY


BS, Me, 43
FWH, 40
M 14 yrs, together 17
1 S 11,1 DD 1st M 19
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Hi and thanks for the input:


nikko - Job search is already underway. Like I said, NC has been established but I understand it's a respect thing to improve BW's ability to heal.


believer - I doubt she'd be willing to come to MB forums to read or post. Any ideas for getting her interested? She's not really into sharing her feelings/thoughts with anyone but me, and she certainly doesn't write them down. Her reluctance to doing things like going to MC or coming here (although I haven't talked to her about MB) has me a bit worried. I honestly think she believes we can just get through this on our own. Do you think that works for some people or is it a recipe for disaster? Seems to me no outside help at all is better than a bad marriage counselor who might put us a path to DV, but in a perfect world I'd like to find something else that could help us through...


HopefulinNY - I've said sorry, and will keep saying it. I just hope it's enough. Seems to me that "sorry" doesn't quite cut it in this situation. Any ideas for actions -- rather than words -- that can help show love and remorse? Anything in particular work for you?

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hmmm.

Here, think on this...

You told her it is 100% you, not her fault. And yet, MB claims to have some ability to salvage a marriage, fall deeply back in love...blah blah blah .. all those good things. The whole concept of love bank, and things like that... those principles IMPLY that it is partly her fault. That she wasn't loving you the way you needed...and if that isn't the case, then she is probably sitting there right now wondering how in the world she is ever gonna feel safe with you, because, even when she was doing everything right, you had an affair....

So, before pushing her towards this site, you might want to consider that. It was just something I've been thinking on.


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Good point RookKev.

I guess what I meant is that she has no responsibility for, and should take no responsibility for, the A itself. That was my (bad) decision and 100 percent my responsibility. It is true that both people are responsible for a marriage and that there were problems -- created by both of us -- in our marriage that made me VULNERABLE to an A. But lots of people in not-so-great marriages are vulnerable to affairs and they manage to not fall into the A trap.

I did, and that's 100 percent my fault. She may bear some responsibility in my vulnerability, but she bears no culpability for my actions in the A.

Moving forward, so she can feel safe again, I think we first will need to work through my faults and what permitted my vulnerability to take over and allowed me to submit to the A. For example, was it a character flaw or was it just a "perfect storm" of circumstances, outside pressures, vulnerability and opportunity? My IC, I'm hoping, will help with that and my commitment to the counseling should make my BW feel more secure about the future.

After that, we can talk about some of the things she may have done that may have contributed to the vulnerability. To be honest, however, most of the factors that contributed to the distance and probs in our M (both of us being in grad school, both of us working harder and harder to try and get ahead, both of us adjusting to being married in the first place) have largely gone away now.

There will be future stresses, of course (kids, etc.), but after the past week there is no doubt in my mind, and I believe almost no doubt in hers, that engaging in infidelity ever again would certainly kill me. She's seen what this one had done to me, and the results are not pretty. I'm a (barely) walking mess of remorse, guilt and fear about the future.

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As far as things you can do, I would say just be there for her through it all. Answer all questions. Hold her, hold her hand. Get her some flowers maybe. Date her again. Ask her out to dinner or to a movie. Get to know her again and learn to love the new her because she will be different from here on out. Let her know you feel guilt and that you won't do it again. I think that knowing that remorse is there and that the FWS won't run to someone else again is half the battle of recovery. I wish my H was as remorseful and sorry as you are.

I think you are doing great.

HINY


BS, Me, 43
FWH, 40
M 14 yrs, together 17
1 S 11,1 DD 1st M 19
Dday 11/1/03
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Thanks so much HINY. I know it sounds weird, but just your kind words: "I think you are doing great" really, really made my day. I mean it.

I'm trying my very best and I just don't know quite where I stand with her right now -- mostly because I guess SHE probably doesn't know yet -- it's too early. I'm praying for the best.

I will follow your advice (and any other BSs) as best I can. I'm afraid she would consider sending her flowers at the office kind of a downer and tangible reminder of what has happened, but I have been picking some flowers in our yard and putting them out around the house. She won't let me hold her hand yet, but maybe someday soon. I want to be there to comfort her, but she's (understandably) physically shut off to me now.

I've made it clear that I'm waiting for her and will do this on her terms and on her time frame.

I will answer all questions honestly and have told her so, but she has asked none and I think just doesn't want to know. I hope that doesn't get in the way of healing. Is it possible for us to move on to recovery if she chooses to know only the basic details? Everyone here seems to think that only by confronting the most graphic accounts of the A can recovery truly get underway. Any thoughts?

I will "date" her again and have asked her to a going away party for a friend on Saturday night. She reacted as normal, saying "I think we probably need to go, don't you?"

My big concern is that this just hasn't hit her yet, that she wants things to just be back to normal and that there's going to be a day next week or next month when it's all going to come crashing down and she's not going to speak to me anymore. It terrifies me, but I guess it's what I deserve for doing something so stupid.

I know it varies, but would anyone want to weigh in on this? After you found out, how long did it take before reality really set in and you started to decide whether you wanted to stay or go?

I just hope and pray that the new and different her is still willing to be my wife, because I have a tough time imagining going through life without her.

In the meantime, I'll just stay in my holding pattern, go to IC, tell her I'm sorry again and again, try to make amends in any way I (or she) can figure out, and work to demonstrate that nothing like this will ever happen again.

Thanks again HINY. Like I said, you made my day.

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LHS,

Glad I could help you. I do think you are doing great. You are reading her and that is what she needs right now. If she doesn't want to be touched, then don't touch her and so on. She will let you know what she needs I am sure. I think just being there for her is the main focus right now.

I am 1 year into recovery and honestly you are so much more receptive to your wife than my H has ever been. So far we have just swept the A under the rug. Although I do want to go to MC, he will not go nor will he talk about it.

I think when she is ready to talk you will know and then you should be willing to give her all the answers that she needs when she needs them. I am glad you are doing well for yourself. This isn't a good time for anyone.

When I found out about my FWH A it had been going on for about 5-6 months after work everynight. They had sex though, which makes it even harder for the BS. When I confronted him he lied for hours, then finally told the truth and I asked him to leave. He came back in the middle of the night and asked for my forgiveness, he returned home for 6 weeks and continued to see her the whole time. I then kicked him out once more. I found MB and worked the Plan A, then plan B. Then I plan HINY'ed and went to kick some OW butt. She ended up ditching him and he returned here and NC was done in Aug of 04. Here we are. Trying to get a life back. But everyone's story is different. She might not be as affected due to the lack of sex in the affair. I know that I would still be upset, but not nearly as I was finding out it was a PA.

I guess if I was you I would try to communicate with her every single day at least once. Maybe say something like "How was your day?" and then "Is there anything you would like to talk about?" I know as a BS that it is hard to open up the wound, it would be easier to have someone pick the scab so to speak first.

Keep reading her. No flowers, no touching. Maybe a nice card? One that just simply says I am sorry, or ILY. Just simple things.

Keep praying and hugs to you for your great accomplishments so far. Telling is half the battle.

HINY


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M 14 yrs, together 17
1 S 11,1 DD 1st M 19
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Hello loveherso (love the handle by the way). HINY contacted me and called my attention to your thread so I came on over.

I am a FWS also who was once in your shoes. It's a scary time to be sure. The fear of losing what you love most has an awesome power. I thought it would kill me.

Reading you words, I agree, your doing all you can at this point. The best you can do is keep it up. Buy her surviving an affair, but don't ask her to read it, she may not be ready yet. Leave it out somewhere or let her know you bought it for when she is ready. My W is also one that avoids A reminders. Not a good thing IMO but also someting you can't push.

Words of encouragement - Affairs rarely end marriages.Don't know the exact numbers but they are surprisingly low. I suspect they are even lower when the FWS shows true remorse and works towards recovery with all of his/her being. You seem like that type to me!

We are 10 months past dday. (Short PA with a woman I met online).I did everything in my power to save our M, IC, MC, reading, posting here for advice etc. Man, I can't begin to tell you how good things have been. We are in a wonderful recovery full of love and caring for one another.

Keep posting here brother, learn all you can, ask advice of other BS's as to how you can help your wife heal. They saved my life and my M. Shwo true remorse and understanding of your wife and you will be greated here with open arms and have many supporters both FWS and FBS alike.

Good job man, keep it up!


Moving on, is a simple thing, It's what you leave behind that's hard. - Dave Mustaine
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Is it possible for us to move on to recovery if she chooses to know only the basic details? Everyone here seems to think that only by confronting the most graphic accounts of the A can recovery truly get underway.


Not true, some don't want the gruesome details, most do. Let your W choose what she wants to know. FULL honesty is a MUST! That includes omissions.

My W wanted to know, they were the hardest words I have ever spoken. Consider yourself lucky...for now.


Moving on, is a simple thing, It's what you leave behind that's hard. - Dave Mustaine
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Hi,
I'm a FWS too, six months into recovery. It feels like you have a lot of empathy for your W, which unfortunately, isn't always the case around here. Putting her first, treating her with respect and showing remorse are all keys to recovery.

Just know it is going to take time...in fact, a lot of time. This isn't ever going to "go away", and she probably will never "forget it." The best way to recover is for both of you to put this in perspective and deal with it. That may very likely include marriage counseling, so perhaps when all this sinks in for her, she might agree.

What make things a little bit tougher for you (as if you already didn't have enough already, eh?) is that she is carrying a baby. The stress of infidelity is very hard on a body. I know it's truly up to her, but take care to make sure she gets enough to eat, gets enough sleep, gets pre-natal care, etc. After our D-day, we pretty much went to heck in a handbasket physically and didn't pay attention to a lot of stuff we should have (like the kids' schoolwork).

And try and let her decide how much she wants to hear about and deal with, especially while she's pregnant.

I tried to just be there for my H when he wanted to talk. Expect there to be down times and quiet times...just be solid and patient, so she truly gets the sense you are there for the long haul.

I would imagine she is perhaps worried about her future and your future as a family now that the baby is coming. Become very involved in her pregnancy if you'd like to be...go with her to appointments, help decorate the nursery, etc. and try not to spoil her "baby time" with serious A talk. You may inadvertently make her correlate her pregnancy and your A. It's a special time - try and keep it separate from the A, although it may be unavoidable.

It is right you told her. It would otherwise always be a barrier to intimacy with your W. Now you have the chance to heal. You seem very considerate of her and HINY is right, you are doing good so far.

GS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


FWW-44 Married to DH 19 years; 2 young DDs DD & NC - New Year's Day, 2005 Together and working to recovery If ever two were one, then we; If ever a man was loved by wife, then thee.
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As a BS I agree with others who say that you're on the right track. Consistency over time will be very important on your behalf. It's not only the speaking of the "right words", but the ongoing behaving of the right ways of remorse and restitution.

In my opinion, I think it would be helpful to your wife that she has witnessed your ability to change in the past two years. That doesn't take away the shock, hurt, pain, anger, but she does know that you have the capactiy to change. She's experienced it.

I think that it is very wise of you to let her take the lead in what she wants and needs. Part of the issue of the whole affair was that others (my xWS and the OW) were saying and doing things that had a major impact on me...and I had absolutely no say or control over any of what happened. I feel that letting her have control now over how and when things are handled is essential.

Your wife has the additional responsibility of acting and reacting in a way that addresses the needs of the innocent little one she is carrying. She may well have that in mind in making decisions about what she wants and needs from you right now. Her body/brain chemistry has a direct impact on the baby. It may be that the suppression of feelings..a bit of "denial"..is the best thing she can do to take care of herself and the baby for the time being. It may well have a "price" on the healing of your marriage down the road, but it might be the lowest cost for the time being.

Wanting to know facts about the affair varies from person to person. I have seen BSs who want lots of details and others who want few. Those wanting few details have talked about how they don't need or want any additional thoughts or "pictures" in their mind about the affair. They feel that they need no additional triggers about the affair to have to forgive or forget.

Obviously there are no guaranteed outcomes. You could do everything "right", everything that's recommended, and she still might choose to leave the marriage. But from my viewpoint, you are doing everything within your power at this time to try and save your marriage. I wish you the best.

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HINY - Thanks again for the words of support. They mean the world to me right now. I will keep letting her set the pace of things and just do all I can for her during this very tough and sensitive time.

Sorry to hear that your recovery has been difficult and your husband less receptive/remorseful. It seems like I'm overwhelmed with the guilt and it's tough for me to imagine not being. The hurting is so intense that I sometimes wish I could "just get over it" but then I am reminded that the pain is the price I pay for what I did and is nothing in comparison to what my poor BW is going to go through.

I know it varies by BS, but is it really better when there's no sex involved? Really my A boils down to lots of talking on the phone, some dinners and a handful of times when the physical line was crossed and there was kissing (which I usually stopped out of guilt after about 3 min.). I think to my wife, betrayal is betrayal, no matter what took place, but I'd be interested in hearing from other BSs on this.

I still call BW during the day to say "hi." Before d-day, she and I would call/e-mail back and forth several times a day. Now it's just me reaching out to her -- which is understandable and fine. I want to talk to her all the time but I've tried to keep my contact under control so as not to be a pest or have her feel like she's under pressure.

I made her dinner last night (her favorite meal) and things were fairly "normal." I kind of picked around the issue and she just said "I just don't like to talk about it. It makes me uncomfortabble." From here on out I'm not going to mention it at all and let her make the first move -- she's got enough stuff to deal with right now and if there's a price to be paid later for not addressing all this junk, then I'll pay it.

Finally, I obviously feel bad about the A but I'm feeling worse and worse now about telling -- or at least the timing of the confession. Like I said in my first post, my confession just sort of slipped out of my mouth during an emotional moment but, jeez, she's pregnant and is going through a very, very hard time at work and here I am dropping this bomb on her. I know it's too late now, but I'm really, really feeling awful about that now, like I must be a pretty bad person to do something like this and then not shield my wife from it when she's most vulnerable. I feel now like maybe I just shouldn't have said anything, or at least waited until the baby was born -- but that has its downsides for her too. Maybe there's just no good time to confess. Ugh -- you could drive yourself crazy with these questions...

Thanks again for the hugs and words of support. You're great!

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LHS,

I can tell you from my point of view that if my FWH didn't have sex with the OW it would make it seem better in my mind. But and A is an A whether it is an EA or a PA. They are really both a betrayal right? You probably told the OW things that you should have been telling your W and that is where the pain comes from in an EA. A PA is more devastating because not only did my H get attached but he "consumated" the R also. I guess they are about the same it just seems worse when sex is involved.

I think you are right on track with your wife. I wouldn't think twice about when you told her, I think you should be glad it just came out. I can't tell you how many people on here sit idle wanting to tell and the words don't come because they are too scared. Atleast it is in the open now and you two can rebuild and start new with no secrets. You have this wonderful little life coming and he/she will take up so much of your life now you will be consumed with emotions of sadness, happiness, loss of time, loss of coupleness, joy. Everything you can think of is going to come out of your hearts soon. Enjoy this time you have left together as a couple. If she doesn't feel comfy talking about it yet, maybe it hasn't sunk in. I do believe it will. If you have to deal with it later I hope it doesn't involve her getting angry and using the baby against you. That is why I think the sooner she can deal with it the better. Maybe when the work stress is better she will pull the A stuff forward in her mind?

Just keep doing what you are doing. There isnt much more that you can do at this point. Just love her and take care of her and that baby <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

HINY


BS, Me, 43
FWH, 40
M 14 yrs, together 17
1 S 11,1 DD 1st M 19
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Hi loveshero,

Welcome to MB and I just wanted to say that the step you took to finally be here and post says a lot about you.Yes you made a major,painful mistake but you are here seeking help and for your W that is one of the best things you could do right now.We have heard it all from so many as I am sure you can appreciate lurking here for 2 years but you do sound sincere and I do hope you will keep no contact with the OW forever.That will be the crux of any recovery you have from this day on.

Also,I am glad to hear about your job search.It is critical to not work with or be around the OW.For your W's sanity and comfort,it is non-negotiable.

A few other notes for now.Vulnerability in marriage gets thrown around here from time to time and I just want to suggest that you do continue to take 100% of the blame for what you are both going through now.We have had a few lenghty discussions about "creating an atmosphere" in marriage that could "lead" someone to have an A but it's wrong.This places blame on the "victim", in this case,the BS and they are faultless when it comes to Adultery.It's like saying that a spouse "creates an atmosphere" at home or in marriage to be physically abused,hit,humiliated and even maybe killed.Do you see? Nothing your W did or didn't do affected YOUR DECISION to cheat.Plain and simple.If things were so bad at home,then people have more appropriate,less painful and more ethical and moral ways of handling problems,not just in marriage but in every aspect of life.Adultery/Infidelity is never the answer to anything.YOU failed to protect yourself,W and marriage against this horrible scourge of society and families.So I will not hasten to address anyone who brings that up here and luckily,it's not been mentioned too frequently,if at all,lately.

As a BS,I can personally say that you did the right thing,as painful as it feels right now,by telling your W what happened.A lie like that will erode your marriage,your soul and any trust you ever thought you had in your marriage.But now you have the fallout of the decision you made and I can appreciate how bad that is to deal with.When I found out,I knew right away that I was going to forgive my WH and that we could work on anything together and get through the pain.But what I ultimately could not and would not accept was his continued contact with the homewrecker and so I decided to file for a D.

For some people, having sex with the OP is the worst aspect in an A.For other's it is the emotional "connection" that seems to be the ultimate betrayal,still other's,like me, it was both the emotional and physical betrayal,the combination of two very intimate acts that should only be shared between Husband and Wife,that were soiled and made disgusting and that made me want to end my life at one point.

You have a long road ahead LH and I just want to encourage you to be in this for the long haul because any recovery from Infidelity,if you are blessed enough to have this opportunity, is a major,long,painful process but worth it if you can save your marriage,keep your family intact and not become another D statistic like me and also have a better marriage than ever.It can happen.I hope in time,your W will feel comfortable to exploring that with you.But you are right to be prepared for the worst yet.So many major emotions coming and confusion running through her head at warp speed.Practice patience,read, and have a plan OK? Let us help you on how to handle everything as well,of course,professional help with a PRO marriage counselor.If not both you and your W,just you until she is ready.

Much luck to you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O


BW(me)40 DDay 10/11/03 Divorcing 'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1 ~Let Higher Minds Prevail~ --------------- ~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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racerx (love the Speed Racer reference, by the way) -

Thanks for the kind words, and for joining in on this thread. This is going to take some time, and I'm going to need lots of help and advice along the way. Glad I've found all of you and couldn't have anticipated a nicer response. During this dark time, it's comforting to know that there are some wise and experienced folks here to fall back on. Glad to hear your recovery/reconciliation is progressing so well -- it gives me some hope.

You said your wife has a tendency to avoid as well. How long did it take before she was really willing to talk about it? How long before you guys figured out whether she wanted to keep the M together? Like I said, I'm not going to push the BW along at all in the process, but I kind of feel like a convicted man awaiting sentencing -- and I'm worried 24/7 about when it's going to come and what the sentence will be. Such is the nature of this kind of problem, I guess.

Thanks also for the words of encouragement. I'm desperately hoping this A won't end my marriage -- I guess all I can do is try to do everything right from here on out and recognize that even if I do, this might be just too much for poor BW to take.

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Hi gentlsoul. Thanks for the words of support.

I know she will never forget the A. I can only hope and pray that she will, one day, forgive. But I recognize we're a long way from there at this point (it's been only a week).

Your comments about the pregnancy are right on as well, and, as I mentioned in a previous post, I feel absolutely devastated that I've put her in this position at such a terrible time. I think telling when I did (although my confession was unplanned and just kind of came out suddenly) was probably a bad thing -- and even if I manage to forgive myself for the A, I don't know what I'll be able to forgive myself for putting her in this spot at this awful time. Too late now, I guess -- ugh. Maybe I'm wrong and it would have been worse later and she would think "we went through this whole pregnancy with this enormous untruth between us!" But right now I don't see any good about telling when I did -- other than getting the truth out, of course.

I'm working to make her as comfortable as possible and trying to care for her as much as she'll allow. She'll let me help to make things better for her (making meals, going to the Dr. together, keeping her well-fed, doing household chores, and she even let me give her a ride to work this a.m.), but one of the things I sense she really needs right now is physical attention (hugs, holding, etc.) and she understandably won't accept that from me. That is one thing that's really killing me, and I hope sometime soon she'll see fit to let me hold or hug her again -- not because I need it, but because she does.

I am desperate to try and make certain that when she thinks about her first pregnancy, that the first thing she remembers is NOT the A revelation. I don't know. That may be too late to prevent, but I'm hoping that years from now, the A ends up being a footnote and the memories first and foremost in her mind are help and kindness during the pregnancy, and of course the child that comes from it.

Thanks for the supportive words.

- loveherso

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loveherso I just want to wish you luck with recovery you are doing the right thing.

Atleast your not like this guy that I have been debating with. I'm moctar and the guy I'm debating with is 4u2cum. He thinks that withholding sex is worse than cheating.

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/board/viewtopic.php?t=29812&start=30

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