One more thing LHS, heres a link to my first thread, You'll see OG and Beleiver (among others) there to help me. I can't believe that was almost a year ago. read the fear in me and know that all came out well. Hope it helps.

Edited to add: My handle then was "SleeplessInSF" I changed it when I started sleeping well again. The forum automatically changes my handle to RacerX but the body of the posts of course don;t change and most are addressed to sleepless or SISF.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1177580

I can't add much here. You are getting some great feedback and advice LHS.

I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts from my own experience.

First, I felt sooooo pressured by my husband to say I was going to stay or not that it just added to the unbelievable stress of just coping with the fact that he had cheated. I finally came to a decision to simply not decide for 6 months either way. Not what he wanted to hear but I could NOT simply throw myself back into a relationship that he had already chosen to stray from. Seemed irrelevant at the time that he came back and wanted me.

And really deciding to just put off the decision took off an enormous amount of stress, made it easier TO work on maybe being married again. Before that I just was confused. So if you can just realize that she may not be able to make a firm decision to stay or go for a time and still love her and keep doing what you are doing, you may take off some of her stress and actually make it easier for her to deal.

I think you are in good hands here. And for what it's worth, I think you have excellent chances for recovery.

Take care

Tiggy

LHS,

Couple of things I forgot to mention duh! There are some great books you should read. Surviving an Affair, His needs/her needs, and torn asunder. They are all great books and will help you and her get through this.

Hugs.

HINY

Hi all -

loveherso here -- back from the weekend.

When I last posted, I mentioned that in my conversations with BW on Friday afternoon at work, she seemed pensive, uneasy and kind of dreading the weekend (first one spent alone together since d-day, which was now about 10 days ago). I also sensed that she was maybe starting to get a little mad about the whole thing, which I've been expecting for a while (maybe she's leaving the denial phase and moving into anger? As much as I dread the anger, it at least indicates some forward progress).

So I picked her up from work Friday, and she was clearly pretty unhappy, so I kept my mouth shut. She kept saying "I just don't know how this happened." And I kept responding "I know. I don't completely understand it either" and telling her that it was my fault, that I screwed up, and that I loved her and would do anything to work to fix it.

About 10 mintues into the drive, she finally said "well, how DID this happen?" So, over the course of about 10 minutes in the car, I gave her the full overview of the A -- how it started, what happened, how it ended, etc. I didn't give tons of details, and she asked no follow-up questions.

After we arrived home, we spent another 15 minutes sitting in the car just talking some more and giving the A some context (it was more than 2 years ago). She asked what I was thinking at the time -- was it her fault, etc. I told her that it was all my fault and I wouldn't let her take any responsibility for my actions in having the A -- that it was my selfishness and bad decisions. To help her understand, I DID, however, end up telling her some of the things that had gone through my head during the A -- how I had low self-esteem, often felt ignored (by her) at home, and was really stressed at work. In the next breath, though, I made it clear that these were just things going through my head at the time, and that my resentments toward her then had no justification in reality -- the A was completely my fault. She kept saying SHE was sorry for making me feel the way I did -- and I told her that she ABSOLUTELY should never feel sorry about anything related to this -- it is my fault.

This leads to a question for all you A vets out there. How do you be completely honest in telling BS the things you were thinking at the time of the A about what you thought were their deficiencies then but still take full repsonsibility? It's a challenge. I'm trying to be honest, but not have her feel like this is her fault in any way.

Anyway, we went inside and sat and talked some more in the kitchen. I told her I was scared about the future, and she again reassured that she wasn't going to throw away "a good marriage, and our families (we're close with our in-laws), for some minor indiscretions." I told her it didn't feel like they were minor, and she said she thought they were (but I suspect she's still mulling that point).

We then walked over to a restaurant in our neighborhood (she let me hold her hand on the way -- I was SO happy -- first time since d-day) and had a great supper where we talked just like usual. It was my first truly "normal"-feeling time with her in a while, and it felt GREAT! It was as if alot of tension had been released in talking about the A, and I think it made us both feel much better to have things more out on the table.

After supper she kind of crashed (this pregnancy thing understandably makes people tired), so we walked home, watched a little TV and went to bed.

On Saturday, we went for brunch and had more or less normal conversation, then went shopping at some of her favorite stores. We got home and she slept (tired, like I said), and I did all kinds of housework that she's wanted done.

Which leads to my next question. Does me running around doing a bunch more work just remind her of the A and make her feel like I'm just motivated by guilt? I'm sincere in wanting to reduce her burdens. I'm happy to do this stuff and (like I said) will do it for the rest of my life to make it up to her, but it just seems kind of awkward -- like doing all the laundry and cleaning out the fireplace can make up for what I did (it can't, obviously).

Saturday night went to a friend's party. Again, pretty normal. Still no physical contact allowed (except for a hug or forehead kiss here and there -- oh, and holding hands on Friday).

Sunday we went to church and then I made her breakfast as usual. She rested for a while and I did housework and grocery shopping. Sunday night we went to a neighbor's party and had a lot of fun. When we got home, she gave me a hug and said "I love you more than anything in the world. We need each other. We wouldn't do so well without each other." I can't describe how great it felt to hear those words and be able to touch her -- not so much for my sake, but because (as I've mentioned before) I think she needs some physical attention and she hasn't been able to accept it from me for obvious reasons.

So, that's where things stand right now. I know it all sounds pretty promising but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too far in case we start a backslide here. We still haven't really talked about the A much, and I'm wondering if that's a prerequisite for getting through this or if we can just get clear on what happened, accept that the past is the past, and start rebuilding trust. Up to her, I guess.

Any thoughts on how things are going would be appreciated. Is she still in denial and wanting to have things be just like before, or have we started forward into recovery?

Thanks, and hope everybody had a good weekend -

loveherso

IMO your ahead of the game. I'll try to adress some of the stuff in more detail when I have more time later today.

OG -

I'm trying to be strong for her, as I have mentioned in the past, but it's hard. I am not begging and pleading with her, but it's tough for me to talk about the A without the remorse tears flowing. She, on the other hand, hasn't cried all that much (at least not in front of me). I know weakness is unattractive and am trying to avoid it, but this is hard stuff to deal with, especially coupled with a bad time at work right now, a job search, grad school finals, pregnancy, etc. I'm not complaining, but I'm finding that being strong -- usually something I am able to pull off even in the most diffiult circumstances -- is tough right now. Everyone here is absolutley right that As have the ability to shake the very core of your being. I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal, because no matter how bad it gets on my end, I'm sure it's worse for her. Strength, strength, strength. That's my motto from here on out.

As far as bottling up my feelings goes, I am trying to get in this week again with an IC, and I have been sharing some of my thoughts with BW. Problem is, when I show any signs of neediness, she basically focuses on that and helping me get better -- rather than herself. I love to talk with her and share my feelings, but not at the expense of her ignoring her own needs right now, so I'm going to have to keep some stuff bottled up for now until grad school's done and I have a new job and I can actually BE stronger. That's the way it goes. Otherwise, she's going to look back on this whole thing one day and say "hey, wait a minute, that whiny jerk cheated and we spent all our time dealing with the problems it brought HIM instead of ME."

To answer your question about my fears, I guess I fear going through life without the woman who knows me better than anyone else on Earth. The woman I've known for 14 years and been married to for seven. The soon-to-be mother of my first and only child. The alone-ness is scary enough, but I can't imagine not being able to turn to her every day and ask her opinion on something or just hear her voice. We've built our worlds around each other, and I can't bear to think of that coming apart because of me and my stupidity. That's just the beginning -- we can plumb the depths of my fears more deeply in the future -- there's certainly plenty there.

Finally, thanks especially for the "Have hope. I do and I don't say that often." I'm looking for any assurances right now because I THINK things are going OK (per my post earlier today) but I'm really afraid of any backslide.

You know me, impatient for any positive signs...

LHS,

You've been given some great advice by Racer-X and OG. I read your story because it is so similar to mine (almost exact), except my husband is not as eager to work through our problems like you are. His way of dealing with our problems is to ignore them, pretend like it never happened because it is in the past now.

You seem a very nice person and a good husband and I think that your wife knows that. Like OG mentiond in one of her previous emails to you, this A happened two years ago, but to your BW, it happened basically a few days ago. She's so new to this that she is likely going to feel many different emotions. This will be difficult for you to experience too since you may go from euphoria to utter devastation. But, it will pass. I think that you two stand a very good chance of complete recovery. It will take time and it will require a lot of patience, especially from you, but I have a good feeling when I read your posts. You seem caring and sincere and you ask all the right questions. I'm not very good at giving advice; I'll leave that to the more seasoned pro's here, but I wanted to encourage you to keep going. You seem to love your wife very much and you will be a good father.

Learn from what happened in the past and move on to a bigger and better life. You will have a beautiful little family soon and you will feel so blessed.

Your story brings tears to my eyes and I wish my husband could read your posts and learn from them. You are doing the right thing by addressing all of your issues whether they are individual or marital.

Good luck!

Good job





At some point you must let her understand that she had a part in letting the M deteriorate. Not to lay blame, but rather to fix it or make sure it never deterioaates again. Your right, she is in NO WAY responsible for your A, but a weak M usually takes 2.


I'm not a Vet but see my above answer.


NEVER argue this point again, your shooting yourself in the foot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


again, ahead of the game.



Watch her mood when you work. Look for a pattern.





And your worried why? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



My wife wanted me to remind you (she read your thread and thinks your fine too) about your wifes chemical imbalance right now, being pregnant. She WILL be moody and emotional. Don't take it personal and don't let it scare you.

I really have no concerns that you two won't be just fine. But don't let your guard down, keep learning, keep being remorseful and keep caring for her.

Hi LH,

Welcome back from the weekend.I'm glad you were able to spend some time with your W that didn't make things seem hopeless.

So,to address a few issues now.

1)I would say you need to and have to be 100% honest when it comes to all questions about the A in as much as your W wants to hear.I am not by any means saying lie about any part of it but some people here need to know X amount about the A and other's need to know Y about the A.Then there are the other's in between.I was one of those that didn't need to know all the minutiae about the A.As my counselor told me,there are constructive facts and deconstructive facts.For example,I didn't need to know where and when every sexual encounter was and how they did it and there are those here that did want to know.Always be honest about what YOU were thinking.It doesn't always mean it was appropriate or just at the time,only what was in your mind convincing you to make this decision.It can be explored in depth as time and IC/MC goes on.One day at a time and one question at a time.

2) Running around doing more work would not remind me of the A nor would I believe that your motivation is guilt.Rather,IMO,I would see this as an act of love and care.My WH never did anything more than what he did prior to the A which wasn't much to begin with.It was clear to me that he was not willing to make any changes in our marriage to make it better but rather he wanted ME to be the same and basically do things for him if I were to ever receive any measures back.A problem that existed before the A.He had to get,in order to give.

3) You can try to be strong LH but not like a stone wall.There is a difference.You do need to be there for your W,to help her up and keep reaching out for her.The analogy I always thought of with my WH is that he was way ahead of me and he should have reached out his hand and waited for me to catch up to him,in regards to my pain and dealing with it all.In the brief moments he was in a false recovery with me,he was very ready to move away from the A altogether as fast as he could but that just wasn't going to work and it was wrong.I understand that you are having a hard time too.One day though,I hope you can rely on one another to get through.That is what you are working toward.Do what you can but also don't feel like a failure if you just don't have it in you some days.We know how hard all this is.Again,working toward being able to lean on one another for strength,comfort and understanding.

4)IMO,you cannot afford to bottle anything up right now,or ever again.If you cannot open up about a certain subject at a certain time,get it out another way: paper,e-mail,journal,friend,IC,family,etc.It has to come out so you can deal with it and go back to it later.You cannot afford to miss any prime opportunity to learning about yourself and this A and I will tell you that sometimes,the most impressive stuff comes out when you least expect it.What helepd me most was keeping a journal where I wrote down everything and anything that I thought was important and it turned out to be so important,especially parts where my WH said certain things and then denied later on,only to be SHOWN that he did indeed say them and how were we going to deal with his views,etc.That would be my first suggestion: keep a journal or big pad of paper with you to write down any thoughts you may have when they come.This whole process is about BOTH of you,not one or the other.How you communicate,handle problems,how you will make this new marriage A proof and better than ever.It will take both of you to sort through it all,together.

5)Your fears are common after the discovery of an A but it's something that you would have to face head on.Hopefully you can avoid that and there are small indications your W isn't going down that road but time is still a factor here as she goes through the stages of grief.We can all sympathize though.My WH and I have been together for 20+years,best friends,etc,etc.We had what all who knew us thought of as "the perfect" marriage.So loving and so great a family.Everyone was shocked.I'm glad you realize what you could lose though.That fear will hopefully make you think twice about your choices in this life,from here on out.

6) For now,let your W guide you in how and what she needs to know.I can tell you that you may need to repeat things,and often.It will take a long time to process everything and she may seem to regress in areas that you covered already.She has to relive it and relive it,much like a child does,in order to have control over it(the outcome).She may have days where she doesn't ask much and another day may seem much worse.The great thing is you didn't have sex with OW so that whole sickening ordeal is not going to be covered.

I am betting your W is wanting to make this marriage survive,not only for herself,but also to keep her family intact and have you around to help with the baby and to be there for your child.You have that as a positive motivation as well,in your W's mind.I don't think she wants to be alone and pregnant.No women I know do.It is suppose to be a joyous time for both parents.When is the baby due by the way?

O

Thanks for the feedback guys -

Before I reply to your posts, which I'll do separately, I wanted to give you an update.

I've had a really bad cold since Saturday, and ended up staying home from work yesterday. I talked to BW several times throughout the day. Her mood, which, of course, I'm VERY tuned into for any signs one way or another, wasn't very good. It seemed she really didn't want to talk much. I called her a number of times (she has said she doesn't mind, and kind of likes it, when I call) but didn't talk for long. She's entitled to be in a bad mood, obviously, but I'm afraid it's really brought me down -- especially in comparison to such a good and open night on Friday that I felt started to bring us closer again.

I went into town to pick her up at work at the end of the day and she was in a pretty bad mood. It's hard to dicern whether this relates directly to the A or if it relates more to everything else she has going on. I think it's more everything put together -- pregnancy, and the resulting headache, nausea and assorted aches and pains, plus work, plus this A really has her tired and down. Poor thing. I feel so bad for her and love her so much and wish I could just take on all her pain myself. She's totally overwhelmed. Can you blame her?

She got on my case a bit yesterday for "doting" on her too much. I have been all over her asking if "there's anything I can do" to help her out and make her more comfortable, or if there's any work she wants done. The answer is always "no" and she seems to feel pressured to find me a project or something I can do, which just makes her more sour. I'm really not trying to ease my conscience -- I don't know if I'll EVER be able to do that -- I'm just trying to help her and to make things easier for her and show her how much I care. Arggh -- I'm trying to make amends or demonstrate my remorse through actions and I just can't find a way.

Anyway, I made dinner, we really didn't talk much, watched some TV and eventually went to bed.

Before we turned in, I told her I was there for her and wanted to help if I could. She said she was just totally disoriented with work, and the pregnancy/her physical condition, and the A revelation and that her mind, body, soul and heart are all very confused right now. I told her "I know there are things I can't help with, but there are some things I can, too." She said she didn't really want to discuss it, that it was too uncomfortable, so I just shut up and turned in.

This morning I went downstairs early and made her breakfast (just a bagel) and she seemed in a better mood. She thanked me and actually offered a hug and stuck her head out for a kiss on the forehead (I accepted, of course).

So there's where things stand right now. I'm trying not to annoy, trying to be strong, and most of all trying to offer my help and comfort. She's generally not accepting these things, however, and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like if I keep offering I'm annoying her, but if I stop it doesn't put us much further along the road to recovery.

I just feel at a standstill right now. Worse, I feel like anything I do to try and improve things (offers of help, love, etc.) are starting to annoy her. I feel like I may be sabotaging things.

Sorry, I know this is a roller coaster and I should just be ready for things to be really bumpy for a while, but I feel like I'm at a real low point right now. I'm sick, bad time at work, grad school finals are coming, the job search isn't going well, I'm walking on eggshells at home and I just can't figure out a way to get us tracking toward recovery.

To top it off, on Friday we have our first ultrasound. We're both very worried about it and hope everything is A-OK with the baby (we have no indications otherwise). She in particular is very concerned about it, repeatedly saying "I hope everything's OK." I think that's really weighing on her mind and that things might "loosen up" a bit once that's over and we hear a heartbeat and things seem to moving in the right direction and that the miscarriage risk is reduced.

Hi again LH,

Just a few more thoughts for today.If you are pressed for time in life and we all know how it's a balancing act just to be here too(it's addictive),do post in updates if that is easier rather than addressing each one of us.That can be very time consuming.Or address parts of what we are posting to you.We will understand.

Next,you are over-analyzing.What you need to do is stick with the plan of action and don't get off course despite whatever emotion your W is feeling.It will be up and down for some time so if you want to remain sane throughout all this,you just have to keep telling yourself that it's *expected.If you keep doing what you are supposed to,then you can be relatively sure that it's not what you are doing so much as it's the aftermath of the A dealing with all that."How things stand" is going to change daily,if not many times a day.

Don't second guess yourself so much either.Things might feel like they are at a standstill and maybe they are not but you cannot gauge progress by the emotional factor,not now.It's not realistic.

Do go over on the recovery board too and try reading there and introduce yourself.Those folks can help you in certain ways some of us(like me) may not be able to here.I am not recovered so I will leave most of that discussion up to other's.

I will say ahead of time,now,that I hope all goes well with the U/S on Friday.

You're doing OK.Keep up the good work~

O

dusa-

Thanks for the words of encouragement -- especially the "you seem like a very nice person" and "good husband" parts. They're comforting. I really, truly, normally am those things but this A has me questioning myself and (obviously) my wife questioning me as well as to how I could do something so completely out of character. I'd be curious to know more details of your story and how things are going with your situation -- it might be instructive in dealing with mine.


racer -

Thanks, man. I appreciate the positive prognosis from both you and your wife. You guys have been through it, so it's encouraging, but I'm not going to take anything for granted and am going to keep working my butt off to fix this. As far as the "minor indiscretions" part, what's your opinion? Am I making too big a deal of this? Blowing it out of proportion? I don't want her to think that I'm blowing it off, but I also don't want her to start thinking "well he thinks this is a big deal, so it must be a bigger deal than I might have thought." Maybe you're right and I should start to downplay it from here on out and not argue. I just don't want her to think that I'm not taking this seriously. A betrayal is a betrayal, right?


OG -

Thanks again. I am letting my thoughts out here and soon in IC, so I'm hoping that will help with me personal situation.

I've done some more thinking, per your suggestion, about exploring my fears and figuring out exactly what they are. I guess there are basically two fears: 1.) BW decides she wants to divorce me, or 2.) BW decides to keep me around, but we never really address this issue fully, because we're busy with the baby, etc.

I fear #1 because I don't want to be alone, and even if I were able to find someone else, that other person just wouldn't be BW. Plus I would like to know my baby, whom I've already started to love, and be the good dad I know I can be. BW knows me better than anyone, she's my best friend, she is the love of my life, and I just don't know what I'd do without her. I fear #2 because I want to have a good and secure marriage with BW and restore the closeness we once had (I understand that overall it cannot be the same, but I hope that we can restore much of what has ben lost and add some new and better stuff along the way.)

So, those are the fears, for what they're worth. Right now (and I know I'm jumping the gun), I'm afraid we might be headed for #2. One of my biggest concerns in all this is that she's embarrassed about how all this would look from the outside (no one knows except me, BW and OW -- and possibly OW's sister), and that she might stay together for appearances' sake and for our families and for the baby when, really this decision should be based on whether or not she still wants ME, warts and all.

One of the things that has always been most important to her in our M has been her ability to trust me implicitly and her belief in my honor. Not looks, not smarts, not money, but those honesty issues. I feel like I've ruined that now and the only hope I cling to is that, by confessing to her when I could have kept it inside for the rest of my life, I've started to prove that I am still an honorable person. I don't know.

I'm really feeling like I shouldn't have told right now, and that I've ruined the memory of her first baby forever.

I will stick with the plan and let her drive, try to stop overanalyzing and try to get under control. Thanks for being here.

- loveherso

A question or two for you: Are you still seeing the OW at work now? Is it everyday?

You can't be "work friends" ever again with OW(she has to be 100% GONE) and I know you said you were trying to get another job.

Does your W know that you work with her?

O

Hi OG -

OW is 100 percent gone, period -- you do not have to worry about that. It's been total NC for a week now with no problem whatsoever, and, like I said, there's been nothing inappropriate for over two years. I will keep up the NC at any cost.

While my job might be a little more difficult if I'm not able to talk to her by phone (she has lots of good work advice and institutional knowledge), it's not that big a deal and I can certainly live with it.

We work at a fairly large entity, so the likelihood of bumping into her is very, very remote. I'm not calling her, and she's not calling me.

I am going to move jobs anyway, however.

LHS,

My story is similar in that my husband had an EA with OW (possibly more, but no sex), but nevertheless they were very close. I eventually found because he acted strange and then he confessed. We vowed to make our marriage work out and make it better, but the initial things did not really get resolved. We did not go to counseling - BIG mistake!!! He eventually got back into contact and it lasted a while - I had no idea. Found out about it after finally confronted OW and exposed - should have done that long ago. We went to counseling and things are much better, but they are not perfect. I find my reactions similar to those of your wife and even to this day, it is painful for me to think and talk about it. MB has helped a lot. I don't post much, but I read A LOT and I've learned a LOT and I'm still learning...

The difference between you and my WH is that you seem repentent and remorseful and willing to rebuild. My WH is willing to rebuild and he tells me that he is sorry and feels bad about what happened and how he acted, but he no longer wishes to be reminded of those times and he gets extremely angry and upset when I bring up the topic. I have now sought a pro-marriage counselor which whom I will be making an appointment for both of us. I feel that we need more counseling with someone who supports marriage and is willing to work through things. I find it difficult to find a good counselor that accepts insurace that is pro-marriage and willing to work with a couple.

I think that you are doing good. The mood changes that your wife experiences are probably hormonal as well and this may be a tough ride for you both for a little while and it will most definitely test your endurance and your patience, but you know what, I think that you will both get through it. It is important that you both seek marriage counseling someday, preferably with a pro-marriage counselor to address the issues that led to the breakdown in your marriage, but as long as the both of you are committed, you have a good chance of a successful recovery. Keep doing what you are doing. You may not want to push her too much. Just wait for her to come to you and address her thoughts and fears when the time comes. Keep reassuring her. This is what she needs most probably. Being pregnant is tough.

You will get through this LHS and it may be the hardest lesson ever, but it will make a difference in your life and how you relate to not only your wife and family, but also others.

Hang in there!

Oh, and BW does know we work at the same place -- forgot to answer that...

LHS,

It might be a good idea to switch jobs, even if NC has been established with OW at your current position. It will still make your wife worried about that contact could happen, if if accidentally.

Leaving a company is not easy and I'm not sure what kind of field you work in. I live in the DC area and I know that unemployment is extremely low here and there are lots of good opportunities. If this will help your marriage get on track faster, then you should eventually consider it.

This probably makes her very uncomfortable. It might be a good idea to suggest to her that you will be looking for a position in another company soon so that you can ensure that you and OW do not accidentally bump into each other.

I understand that you value the advise and expertise of OW (even if only on a professional level). My husband said the same thing about his OW and this made me feel even lower because I felt that this was yet another level that I could not compete with OW. It hurt me that my husband valued OW's advice over mine, even though she only knew him "superficially".

I am going to switch jobs and am working very hard to find something that will get me out of here but will still be considered an OK career move. We'll have a baby to provide for soon and I need to choose my next step carefully. I feel pretty positive about being able to get out of this job sometime in the next 2-3 months. BW knows I'm looking.

That said, I have every confidence that I will never see or talk to OW again. If there is a time when I run into her around work, I will tell BW -- if she indicates she wants to know such things. We're not even to the point of having talked that out yet.

Hi guys -

Just thought I'd post a quick update.

BW seems to be starting to warm up just a tiny bit more, but it's still pretty hit and miss. She is more willing to give a little more physical affection -- just a hug or two a day and maybe a forehead kiss.

I feel like most of the time she's just on autopilot -- surface level converstions that never get into deeper issues and certainly never touch on the A. More and more, I think it's clear she's not facing the issue at all (not denying, really, but not dealing with it, either), and is opting to put it away until a better time -- when the pregnancy is further along. Like I said, the first ultrasound is on Friday morning. If all goes well there, the miscarriage risk drops dramatically and I think she'll feel more secure that the pregnancy is off to a good start and that it's OK to start addressing this stuff. Who knows? I've made it clear that she's in the driver's seat on this and can deal with it whenever and however she wants.

The only time she really raises the A issue is when she looks at me and says "you look so down -- are you thinking about this all the time?" She's sympathetic to a fault and says that she's worried that the changes in our relationship that are taking place right now (she doesn't call me at work anymore, for example, and there's virtually no physical contact) are making me "feel bad." I told her that she should stop thinking about me and my feelings and start thinking about herself -- otherwise there will be a time when she gets pretty angry and resentful at me and at herself. She agreed, but says she can't help it -- that she knows I'm not sleeping and that makes her sad. She said last night "maybe you've lost enough sleep over this" because she's seeen how it's affected my sleep and apetite over the past two years (although, at the time, she didn't know what was causing it). She's such a great person.

Anyway, last night before we turned in she said "we're going to be OK" and this morning, when I told her "we need each other," she said "I know. I definitly need you." Encouraging signs, I think, but I just can't get it out of my head that once she faces this and the anger sets in she may have a complete turnaround and it's going to get bad.