don't underestimate the importance of that stmt!!!!.

write it down for yourself and constantly read it over and over. the fact that she tells you you guys will get through this is huge. take it to heart.

(this is coming from a fellow FWS who is waiting patiently for her BS to heal so i do know how hard it is.)

... "Hey. If you want a foot rub, I'm available."

"I brought home Chinese. Your favorite."

"I did the laundry."

"I filled your car with gas and had the oil changed."

"I took the cat to the vet for his shots.."

"I went to see your Mother today. We had a nice visit."

"I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast."

She is going thro every emotion there is right now. She is withdrawing to deal with her pain. I smile and look happy now but inside I am raw. I never tell him if I am hurt or osre because I do not want his attention. I get angry still and hold it back. I love him but hate him. I can't cry - I shed my tears inside. I want to leave him but can't. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me. I feel unattartive and ugly. He will do this again. He will leave me. I'm not good enough for him. I am stupid . and the big one WHY DID THIS HAPPEN -WHY GOD???

This is what she is going through every minute of everyday. She is just a basket case right now and will be for a long time. This is why A are so bad. You both need counseling and now. I didn't and turned all the hatered for H and OW in and hate myself.

FinallyLearning -

I am trying very hard to fixate on her statement that "we will get through this" and keep it in my head at all times, but there are three things that get in the way and make the fear keep rearing its ugly head:

1. We're only 3 weeks out from d-day. I think she's pretty much still in denial and she really has no idea right now what she's going to want to do 6 months from d-day or a year from d-day.

2. Even if there's just a 1 percent chance that we're not going to get through this, that feels like too much for me to bear. I love her so much and I can't imagine a life without her. I KNOW that the uncertainty is all my fault, but it's so hard to handle the thought of the M crumbling.

3. As time has gone on since d-day, she's grown colder and more distant. Each week seems to bring a new erosion of some time-tested habit we've developed in our marriage -- for example, this week the "I love you's" are becoming fewer and farther between. It just feels like we're trending in the wrong direction...

You know how hard it is. And I feel like we're not even completely inside the entrance to this dark tunnel. We have a long way to go...


Pep -

Thanks for the advice. I've tried to do "special things" since d-day, throughout our marriage, and especially over the past two years. These things seem to just irritate her right now.

Some examples:

She really doesn't want me touching her, so a foot rub is out.

I usually do all the cooking (always have), but she feels really queasy right now because of the pregnancy, so every time I ask what she'd like for dinner, she gets annoyed.

I tried to do the laundry and she said that it felt like me doing extra work was just out of guilt, which made her "sad" and I think a bit irritated.

I just don't know what to do except sit and wait. Everything I've done so far just turns out to be the wrong thing as far as she's concerned.


Realtor -

I understand that she's going through terrible pain and am trying to help her -- I really am. She doesn't want it, so I guess I should just let her withdraw and be there when she finally does say she needs me? I am in IC. I'd go to MC or talk with her about anything she wanted at the drop of a hat, but she just won't right now, so I guess I'm stuck.