One of the worst things about being a BS is that there is a tendency to become a hermit. I spent the first 4 months basically hiding in my house. Didn't want the neighbors to see me. Was afraid of going out because of the slight chance I might have of running into WH and slimeball OW. It had to stop.

Now, I've been trying to put a more positive spin on it. I've been doing things that I've always wanted to do but haven't. Sometimes it's things that I've secretly wanted to do. Other times, it's activities that WH just didn't want to do. Recently I've:

-Driven the kids to California for spring break

-Gone to England

-Golfed for the second time ever

-Took a tour of a big cave

-Did a 2 hour horseback ride up in the mountains

-Attended the Renaissance Festival

-Walked in a parade with my dogs

Today, I'm going to a music festival I could never get WH to.

Also on the list are:

-Sailing and scuba diving (when I'm near a warm ocean)

-White water rafting (when the rivers go down even more)

-Go to Italy

-And even though I hate heights, maybe a hot air balloon ride

-Backpacking into a wilderness area

-Learn how to tile so I can redo our bathrooms

I think I'm going to need more ideas. I love doing the things I've wanted to but put off. Anybody here doing the same kind of thing? I'd love to know what you're doing. Cheap stuff would even be better.

Grapegirl - I was just like you - a hermit. FINALLY I figured out that WH was not going to meet any of my needs and I would have to do it.

Everything I did was cheap, since I have no money. First I fixed up the house - took all of his things out, and got organized, and redecorated.

Our sun-porch used to be the junk room. I painted it a light sage green - only took a gallon, and my friends came over and we decorated it in a Japanese style. Now I have orchids blooming, and it is beautiful.

I volunteered at the hospital when the casualties came back from Falluja. That had a HUGE impact on me, and I look at life much differently now.

I let all my friends, workmates, and neighbors know that I wanted to get out and do things. So I've made several trips to Mexico, gone sailing, to art shows, walking on the beach, fishing, to the fair, and lots of other things. These are all things I enjoy, but could never get WH to do.

I am still in the hermit stage. Takes all I have to get up every day, but I do it for my kids.

You have given me hope and inspiration that I can do things without WH. I have always been so dependent on him. We would do everything together...travel, hockey games, baseball games, out to dinner. I have to realize I can do all that and more without him.

I am still a hermit, after three months.

I have the additional problems of being on welfare, and not having a car. It's hard to do stuff without much money or transport.

I save every penny I can so I can my girls out once a month to our local Italian place. We went there yesterday, in fact! DD12 is very involved with her school, and does a lot of extra curricular activities (which are free!!!). DD5 is too young for this kind of thing, but she gets to the park pretty often.

As for myself, I've just bought myself a little desk to go in my bedroom. I'm going to put my old laptop on it, a notepad, and some pens. I am going to start writing again. WH has gifted me a wealth of experiences and emotions to purge, so I might as well get them down on paper.

Alph.

Lost and Alphin -

Get moving ladies. You will get back your self esteem, which is probably in the toilet about now. You will feel much, much better.

Having no money is NOT an excuse. Cleaning, organizing, walking, making a garden, volunteer work, women's support groups, exercising, and getting out of the house don't cost money.

I started with my home. It gave me something to feel good about. It is now spotless all of the time. When WH first saw it, his eyes popped out. That felt GREAT!

Very proud of you all who have taken a beaten down BS stance and turned it around to improve yourselves into beautiful people. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Very proud.

Keep up the good work and give up periodic status updates. I know it is very encouraging to all.

I remember Believers trials a while back and when she worked on changing that room. She was detailed enough to provide me with a mental image of her place and it just made my heart glad to know she was improving her life and lifestyle.

I type this as my H is on his way to Florida to go work for Fema due to the incoming hurricane and I have a boss who is having an A so much so that his clients are calling and asking such (no kidding - just happened again this week). Anyway, we too are improving our lives out here just not quite at the pace I'd like to see.

Thanks again for sharing. This is a good thread GG.

Mahalo,
L.

Hi GG,

I also became a recluse for the first 6 months after DDay.I barely ventured out of my home(my sanctuary) and when I did,I could barely walk faster than a snails pace up the hill near my home,past the farm.I slowly came out more though and only in the past several months have I felt almost back to "normal" in that respect.

But I definitely do plan to do a lot more with my life once my D is over for good.I spent too much time waiting for my WH to get excited about life and he never quite did so I feel time has been wasted in a sense but it's never too late:

1) I swim more now,as much as I can.I LOVE swimming and being near water.My WH wasn't a big fan.

2) I would like to take more trips with my girls before they get older.

3) More horseback riding.I put that off for a long time.

4) Learn a new language.

5) Redecorating my home.New paint,furnishings,etc.Like believer,I am a big clean freak and just love a clean home.Keeping it clean is something I really enjoy doing.It gives me a sense of purpose and pride.

6)New bed.Simmons Beautyrest! It's great! Not only have I rid myself of the old marriage bed and all it's memories,but I have a new one that is all mine,with new memories to begin and it's great for my back.

7) Spend more time at the beach,near the ocean.I just love it there,it's so peaceful.

Well,that's a start.I still feel a bit tied up until this D is over but once it is, there is nothing I can't do and I don't have sour/withdrawn/unemotional WH to drag me down.I'm just glad to be around for my beautiful girls who need me.That is still my #1 priority.

O

NO.

I've still got the mess to clean up.
House to prep and sell, my house to put in order, financial hurdles to jump.

And... I'm not productive at work - which should be scareing me into action, but is not scareing me enough.

My dreams?

What's that?

My only dream was to have a family.

-AD

I love this topic.
I went through the hermit stage in the beginning as well. I remember family members bringing me groceries becuase I was even afraid to go to the grocery store! I didn't want to see any happy couples.

When I started getting out of the house I did a lot of these same things - starting with the new bed. I got the best mattress I could find, and made payments. I have never regretted that a bit.

I also looked for what I called "great single moments". Even before my D was final, I would look for Great Single Moments. It was not about dating - I think we all make the mistake of assuming the only good thing for a single to do is date. Instead, I looked for things that I could do as a single that I couldn't or wouldn't or didn't do when I was married.

such as:
1. I started accepting invitations to partys, and going by myself. Before, if a friend was having a party, but my former H didn't want to go, I would stay home with him. After he left I started going to my friends parties. Hard at first - going alone - but it got a lot easier as time went by.

2. Taking the boys to Jack in the Box for french fries at 11:00 at night. I could spend 5 bucks on fries, and the boys and I would be having a great adventure.

3. Calling people I had not talked to in a really long time.

4. Having people over for a BBQ. Everyone can bring food, so it doesn't cost a lot of money. I did this a lot, and invited people who were also single, or people that were just casual friends, who I wanted to get to know better.

5. Reach out to other singles! I became close to a woman who had been widowed for several years. She is an edlerly lady, who I saw at church every Sunday, but I never took the time to sit and talk to her. When my H left she stopped me in church one morning to let me know she was praying for me. I offered to pray for her as well, and a friendship started. I came to realize that there are a lot of single people out there who are also looking for something to do - someone to connect with. They may be single by choice, or becuase they are widowed, or becuase it was forced upon them - like me. But they all are looking for something to do - just like you.

I remember driving down the road one day, feeling like I just wanted to hurry home so I could hide. I saw a man jogging by himself and suddenly I had this thought:
I wonder if his wife recently left him, and now he is jogging as a way to improve himself? Perhpas this man posts on MB like me.

I know that sounds a little odd, but what I am trying to say is that we look at people we pass by every day and assume that they have a better life than we have. They are probably married, to a faithful spouse, who adores them. Their children are happy and healthy, their bills are paid, and life is simple for them. We assume that we are walking around with a neon sign above our heads that says "loser - my spouse dumped me for another woman".
in reality, there are a LOT of people out there hurting, just like us. So when I walk by someone I always smile. When I greet someone, I always reach out and shake their hand. I realize now that they could be hurting like me, and I could provide one nice little gesture in their day.

Ok, one more thing I wanted to add.

I joined the church choir. I was attending a large foursquare church, and at first I was intimidated because I had no formal training. But I went to the first pracitce, and there were a lot of other people with no training. And what a great bunch of people! I loved it.

Also - I had a Pampered Chef party, and a Partylite Candle party, and A CABi ladies fashions party. I spread them out, so I only had one party every other month. But it was a great chance to invite people over, have a little fun, people buy a few items, and then you get lots of stuff for free. A lot of the stuff that I got for free I put into a cupboard and saved for gifts (especially the candels). That way, throughout the year, whenever I would hear that a friend had a birthday coming up I would have a small gift to give that didn't cost me a dime. It made me feel good, it made them feel good. Plus, my friends who sold all of this stuff at home parties were thrilled because I was willing to have a party for them.

womanoffaith - I love the partylite stuff. What an original way to get it.

Octobergirl - I forgot that I learned to speak Spanish this year. It helped that my roommates speak it. Now I can watch the news in Spanish, watch movies, and understand it.

I'd say I'm living my nightmare - and some of my dreams (very small dreams).

I changed the bedding in the master bedroom to a pastel floral motif, with gauzy drapes on the window. WH would hate it.

I am taking car trips out of town by myself and with the kids.

I make what the kids and I want for dinner (sometimes with no meat at all!!).

I took over the entire walk-in closet, all the dresser drawers, the armoire, and all the cabinets in the master bathroom - and put all of his stuff in big black trash bags.

I bought some new clothes without caring if WH would like them on me.

I got better health and car insurance on my own than I had when WH was here, for less money.

I do have my times of hermit-like behavior, but I am trying to force myself to snap out of it. I am getting some good ideas from the rest of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I would love to go hang-gliding or for a ride in a hot air balloon. I would also like to ride all the scariest rollercoasters in California.

Pebbles - I did my room all in purple - a real dark purple, almost black. And I have a mosquito net with a top with tassels over the bed. WH would absolutely hate it. Haha.

Shall we call the color "eggplant"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believer, that sounds great!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Susan - Yep - that's it, eggplant. I have a tall lamp to match, curtains, comforter, and pillows and throws. I LOVE it. But WH would never have allowed it.

Funny for all the pain and sorrow, there are a lot of things that are 'way better without WH. I can make anything we want for dinner. I have more leverage getting the kids to help clean up without WH around to be a bad example. DS can jam on his guitar with his friends later and louder than his dad would ever allow. I can take up as much of the garage to park as I'd like. I can use any old laundry detergent and scent I want without anybody complaining. The whites are as white as they're going to get. Nobody is yelling about where the remote is. Nobody is changing the channel during my programs to find out the baseball scores.

I already loved my bedroom color but I'm thinking about stenciling some froofy roses around the door to the bathroom. Maybe something bolder. Someday, I'll find the bedframe I like at the flea market or I'll make my own headboard. (Since I don't have one now.) I haven't really touched my sewing machine since D-day. When I get my inspiration back, I'm making a new quilt for my bed...just the way I like it.

I got a fabulous wrought iron headboard at a garage sale. It is beautiful, and only cost me $5.00.

Also I put a small pond in my backyard, with koi and all, and tropical plants. I sit out there on a bench that surrounds it in the evenings.

And AHA! THERE IS NO MORE FOOTBALL IN MY HOUSE. Yeah! For years, we always had huge parties for friends/neighbors, with all of the fixings. Now I prefer ice-skating.

B you're too funny!

Su alcoba sonido perfecto a mi.Color hondo y todo.Amo purpura.Muy romantico.LOL I hope I said that right.

Anyway,now you prefer iceskating in your house? Go on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Isn't a football-free zone wonderful? Nobody is missing baseball at our house either.

I've been thinking about a little pond too. I'm holding off until I can handle the maintance.

This is a great thread!
I have been doing quite the opposite from some of you. At the onset of our separation I did immediately start to redecorate the house, clean the yard, and walk (alot!) but I really never desired to be at home.

My wife always complained because I never put up any of my photographs. Our walls was bare and very sterile. So as soon as she left that was something that I did. I always thought that I was a little different from most guys in that I actually like art, decorating, and even shopping. However, somewhere along the way I lost who I was and became reclusive and emotionally dead. I no longer did any of the things that attracted my wife to me in the first place.

The last few weeks have really been a wake up call and reconnecting with who I am. We are now on the cusp of a divorce. I don't like to be home and have tried to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. I joined a gym which has been a great experience. I have a girl friend (not girlfriend!) who I spend some time with. It's someone who I can go out to eat with or just watch TV.

I'm definitely lonely, but it's something that I've lived with before when I was single. It will take time before I can accept the loneliness that this has brought. I will say that this experience is something that I needed in order to become the husband that I truly desire to be someday.