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#1422186 07/10/05 04:17 PM
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Last night I got a visit from an old friend whom I hadn't seen in years. After we had a chance to catch up with the things we've done since the last time we saw one another, he opened up and told me that almost a year ago he discovered that his W of 15 years was involved in a full blown affair. Needless to say he was devastated and his first reaction was to go to an attorney and file for divorce. When his W got served, she was devastated and pleaded with him to give her a second chance and that she would do everything he wanted but he refused to even consider it. A few weeks passed and he was able to get his emotions under control enough to start a dialog with his W. He calmly asked her the usual questions, of who the OM was, what was his name, where did he work, and the all important question 'Why did you have an affair?'. She answered all of them to the best of her abilities, and he said he told her the following afterwards:

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"While I may not have been the best H there is, I have always loved you and wished nothing less than your total happiness. If being with the OM makes you happy then I will not stop you from being with him."

He then got up and left her alone to ponder his words. The days went by and his demeanor towards his W softened and he became very nice towards her by doing things he had not done in years. Now he still wanted to divorce his W but he also wanted the last days of his marriage to be totally free of any acrimony between them. They both had teenage children to consider and he wanted to have a good post-divorce relationship with his W. His W stopped pleading with him and acknowledged to him that he had every right to divorce her for what she did to him, and she would leave the house if that is what he wanted. He told her that it was much her house as it was his and he would have nothing of the sort. The weeks went by and she opened up to him in ways she had not done since they were first married. She told him that she ended all contact with the OM the day after she was served with the divorce papers. That while she went through hell for the first 4 months, she was finally over him and wanted nothing more to do with him. My friend asked her why she did this, didn't she love him? She responded that while he did satisfy her long neglected needs for attention, affection, and admiration, she did not want to spend the rest of her life with him. She told my friend that the only reason why she even had sex with him, was because she did not want to lose the fulfillment of those EN which made her feel loved and valued as a woman. My friend said he apologized to his W for helping to create the situation where she was vulnerable to an affair but still wondered if a divorce was not the better option for her since he had done such a lousy job as a H and lover for such a long time. She told him, not anymore because in the weeks after d-day, he had once again become the man she had fallen in love with and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That night, she showed him the books she had been reading which included Dr Willard Harley's books 'His Needs, Her Needs', and 'Surviving an Affair' as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Busting' book, and Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. He was intrigued enough to start reading them and after finishing them, he wanted to try to save/rebuild his marriage. He told his W of his desire but only if she also wanted it. She was so overcomed with joy that she lept out of her chair and gave him a great big hug and a kiss. The following day he and his W went together to his attorney's office and he demanded he terminate all divorce petitions ASAP. Before he left he said that he now cringes when he considers how close his marriage came to ending, and how he thanks God for softening both his and his W hearts where they could forgive one another and find the happiness that had been missing for so many years in their marriage.

What stood out to me in my friend's story, is how when BOTH resigned themselves to the fact that their marriage was going to end, they both became free to open up to one another and shared their deepest thougts and feelings with one another [intimacy]. There was no questioning of each other's sincerity because with the advancing divorce there was nothing that the other could gain over the other. The resentment that he could have felt about being second best because she was afraid of what the divorce would to her reputation with her kids OR her resentment towards him for only caring about her because he was afraid of losing her to another man and not because he truly loved her, was simply not there. This INMNSHO made it easier for the two of them to save/rebuild their marriage.

Any thoughts?

TMCM

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Great Story!! Glad of the happy 'beginning'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your friend took the high road immediately and said the right things. While all don't need all those books, it certainly does help many of us.

What hurts my heart is to daily read of those who try to meet the WS 1/2 way when probably most of us s/b like your friend who was able to move forward with grace and dignity.

His W also had enough sense to come back to her senses and hoepfully this A stuff is a done deal.

All the best to your friend and his W. Thanks for sharing such a tough and touching story.

L.

Orchid #1422188 07/10/05 04:56 PM
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What hurts my heart is to daily read of those who try to meet the WS 1/2 way when probably most of us s/b like your friend who was able to move forward with grace and dignity.

L.

Orchid,

My friend had no idea of the MB principles, yet he was very good as far as ending all LB on his part. Without knowing, he was able to create an emotional environment where both he and his W were able to open up and share their most deepest thoughts and feelings. But now that he knows about the MB principles via Dr Harley's books, I have no doubt that he is going to be one heck of H, lover and friend to his W [and vice versa].

And you are right that if only most BS's could conquer their fear of ending their marriage they could see that it may be the first step in saving it or moving on with their lives.

TMCM

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Bump..... this story is worth reading. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid #1422190 07/12/05 10:56 AM
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My thought is: Why can't people do this before there is an A? Why do so many just go on and on in a down hill rut, never doing anything about it?

Coffeeman, I sure think a lot of you. Thanks for all the times you corrected plan A comments, even though most never got it. You are a lot better at most of this than I will ever be.


SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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What stood out to me in my friend's story, is how when BOTH resigned themselves to the fact that their marriage was going to end, they both became free to open up to one another and shared their deepest thougts and feelings with one another [intimacy]. There was no questioning of each other's sincerity because with the advancing divorce there was nothing that the other could gain over the other. The resentment that he could have felt about being second best because she was afraid of what the divorce would to her reputation with her kids OR her resentment towards him for only caring about her because he was afraid of losing her to another man and not because he truly loved her, was simply not there. This INMNSHO made it easier for the two of them to save/rebuild their marriage.

Any thoughts?

TMCM

Yes I think you have to come to some sort of "heart to heart" as I like to call it. Sometimes the A will cause it sometimes the impending divorce may cause it, but IMO you have to have it. If not you are just cycling waiting for some sort of emotional closure. All that stuff about how you actually feel about each other needs to be aired so you can move forward.

In my case I aired my feeling with absolutely no response from WW. She just sat there with a blank look on her face. I'm sure it caused some feelings within her but she chose not to express them. I didn't even get a good answer for the question we as a BS need to know... "Why?"

I still hope I'll get the real reason "Why?" at some point. Although I am somewhat at peace with things now, I'm beginning to think I won't be able to achieve true forgiveness until I have that question answered, and/or she gives a heart felt apology. Until then I have nothing more to say to her about us. The only us is in the past... Oops... I'm getting slightly off topic...

Thanks for sharing TMCM! Very good story. It should give some hope.

Miker


I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
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TMCM,

The story almost sounds like a fairy tale,one in which we all hope will happen to us post A but,when your friends' WW said that she felt loved and valued as a woman only while the OM met the EN's that she depended upon for this feeling,I wonder: why is it we still depend upon other's to feel valued,worthy,fulfilled,happy? I think this woman was not fufilled within herself which lead her to try and find it elsewhere,even though she already had a husband at home.No he might not have been the best emotionally fulfilling man to her due to life's ever present responsibilities and expectations,but I have always believed if you have voids inside that you do not take care of yourself,then you will always be looking for someone else to do the job,and people will fail you.Why else did she say that she did not want to spend the rest of her life with the OM? He was just superficial icing on the cake,a temporary fix of her feelings of depression,low self esteem or what have you.She also goes on to say that she only had sex with OM to not risk losing the EN's filled.The woman and the OM were both using eachother to fill voids of an unsatisfying life they could have made a choice to improve,in the right ways.

In my case,the "threat" of a divorce looming and our family being gone forever,as we knew it,still didn't stop my WH from his painfully selfish acts.I also told my WH that I was letting him go.That I loved him but that I would not force him to stay if he felt he needed to be somewhere else.A huge and painful suggestion on my part but a necessary one.He never came back.

And,the part about creating an "environment"(situation) that made her vulnerable to an A.Hogwash.This is one of the last misguided theories I will just never agree with.She was vulnerable to an A because SHE LET HERSELF be vulnerable.No one,not her husband,not her mother,not her child,etc will ever *force her or anyone else to make the CHOICE to cheat to solve problems.It is all about the person who makes the decision to do so.People must take responsibility for their actions.

I am glad that the couple were able to save their marriage though.I am always supportive of that.

O


BW(me)40 DDay 10/11/03 Divorcing 'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1 ~Let Higher Minds Prevail~ --------------- ~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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Coffeeman,

I enjoyed the story, more so because it is true. But, it illustrates why MB works and why it fails. Really all anyone can do is give decency and honesty a chance to shine through and if it does, the marriage can be saved.

I also agree with the last poster, people need to take responsibility for themselves internally a lot more than they do.

By the way, did you tell him you are one of the resident EXPERTS on this site and that you indeed knew a fair bit about MB and its application??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are truely one of the great assets on this site.

God Bless,

JL

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I agree with your thoughts, TMCM. In my case, my wife and I both seemed to have that same feeling...we didn't KNOW that our marriage was over, but we both felt like we had nothing left to lose by being open and honest in our communication after d-day.

That was one of the main contributing factors to our reconciliation.


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