Well, I guess I am going towards that inevitable road of Divorce with ever more determination. Sigh. It is getting sooo much easier. Finally! I am still in dreadful pain. But, I am looking at it like childbirth. I know there will be an end to it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />


I phoned Dork on Friday to once again ask for him to pay half of the counselling session. He refused. He said that he knows that DD needs it but that he doesn't agree with this assessment. HUH? Okay. Whatever.

Yet another letter to the lawyers. Oh well. What must be done, will be done. I asked him to please call me before he went to Nanaimo for the Dragon Boat races. I asked him to call me on my cell. Of course he did not. What a shock. How predictable. I asked him again if he would give me the name of his counsellor as I thought he was not telling the truth or the whole truth as to what he has been doing. Of course he refused. I expected that. I asked him if he intended to see the family counsellor here. He said he would phone him. (he didn't)


He also said that he has shown my emails to people and they all think I am crazy/irrational, etc. What drug is he on? What do my emails show? That I am devastated by the depths of his betrayals to me and to DD. That I am furious that he has done it again? Sheesh! Good on him. I told him to show his lawyer. Go for it. Also really, really tried to talk to him about DD as her mother. This is not new. I told him that I knew that he wouldn't see DD because I was with her. I also reminded him WHY I was with DD. 1. She will not see him without me there and 2) The counsellor has told BOTH of us that I MUST be there, otherwise DD will feel abandoned by me as her father has already done. HE said to stop "using" her to get my way. WTF? Can he not tell the difference between me in my mother's role and me as the betrayed wife? Stupid question. Self evident answer. No frickin' clue.


Anyway, on to the moving on part...


We saw the counsellor yesterday at noon. Of course, I had half hoped that Dork would think at least THIS was important enough to make time for. Not.


So, DD went in by herself. I had emailed her journals to the counsellor so he would have a starting point to discuss things with her. She knows I did that. So half an hour for her. And the rest for me. It was enlightening.


I love that guy! The counsellor. He is funny and he is smart. And no BS. I told him about knowing who this newest Ditchpig was. He asked me how I found out. I kind of laughed and said. UH DUH! I know people on his ship, I know people in the Dragon Boat stuff. He!! I LIVED in Victoria for YEARS! And they tell me what he has been up to. Know what they call her? White trash. Dar the Douche bag. And Dork? Dork D!ckhead. D!ckhead and D0uchebag. Dar and [censored]. What a lovely couple. NO ONE is impressed with either of them. I have no idea how they can show their faces. But of course, they have no clue. Oblivious. Of course it is hard for me. The sympathy and pity I get from my friends is pretty hard to take. It is easier for me to fight the world than to have all this sympathy and understanding.


Anyway, I told him about my last conversation with Dork. I told him how I am realizing what an awful pattern of behaviour Dork has. How the mother of his son was a single mother with 3 kids. Different fathers. (Original Ditchpig.) How the female before me was a single mother with 3 kids 3 different fathers. Then me. A single mother with 2 kids. But, I said I was married. And, I had always lived with only my husbands except once for about a month outside of my 2 marriages. Then there was Ditchpig 2. Mother with 3 kids. Who know how many different fathers? Then Dar the D0uchebag. Single mother with 2 kids. Guess what? Different Fathers. And that is not even thinking about all the others that I am now certain have been in my marriage. YUCK!


Does anyone else see a pattern? I sure do. I said that Dork must have REALLY low self worth to hook up with women like that. EEEWWW! I said with all my faults, I have CLASS! I am smart, funny and you don't need to put a bag on my head. And for him to betray the best woman he has ever been with was really sad.


I told the counsellor that if Dork had actually moved out to be by himself and to grow as a person, I would not be this hurt and feel so betrayed. But that he had CHOSEN to immediately get involved with low class women and NEVER stood on his own 2 feet ONCE!.


The counsellor told me that Dork COULD NOT do that. He was incapable of standing on his own. Essentially Dork is trapped emotionally as a child with only concern for himself. That he chooses these women because he is looking for a MOMMY to take care of him and that he cannot feel any sympathy or empathy for ANYONE. That is why he can watch my pain and even DD's pain without feeling any guilt or understanding.


I said but he bitched so much about how I was so "controlling". He told me that he HAS to pick strong women that will take care of him. Because then he doesn't have to stand on his own and be an adult. This of course ensures failure in EVERY relationship. Because once he tires of the control, he has to run away but can then blame the woman because she was so controlling. Shoot. I have said basically this all along to him. I said that to the counsellor. He said Dork CANNOT see that. Dork will NOT see that. Because he would have to acknowledge that he is selfish and immature to the extreme. To the detriment of even his children. HE CANNOT feel for others. It is ALL about him. And only him.


OMG. Dork is lost. But it sure explains why I have no understanding of why and what he is doing. My friend said of course I can't understand Dork's choices. I am NOT selfish and I am logical. And this has no logic. Just emotional reaction to fear and to life in general.


I told the counsellor that Dork was sooo unhappy and bitter and angry. And that Dork said he was VERY happy with everyone else. That it was ME!! HE told me that Dork HAS to blame me. Because if it isn't my fault for what he has done, then it would be his. And that he CANNOT do. AHHHH!!! DING! That is why he has never thought past his immediate desires. That is why he has NEVER thought about what it would look like to be back with his family. That is why when I asked him what it would take to come back it was all about stuff! No inner work. Just external garbage. You know get rid of books, get a truck and keep the house clean. Shoot.


I told the counsellor that I KNEW that Dork would stop seeing DD because I expected him to be a man and to be a father. I told him that the statistics bear out my feelings that over 90% of fathers walk away from their children if they are the adulterers. Because they do not have the emotional maturity to take care of themselves so can NEVER be a father to their children. And he agreed that is was likely that Dork would walk away. He CANNOT do what a mature man would do.


He told me that the only thing I can do is to heal and to be happy with DD. That Dork CANNOT do anything else. Well I guess that is because he would have to grow up. And he can't. Too much self discovery is scary for Dork.


So, I woke up this morning with the realization that Dork will walk away from DD. There is no doubt. DD saw it first. DD SAID he didn't love her. DD said he would leave her and never come back. He walked away from his son and never made an effort to find out where he was until he was apprehended. And only then because I "controlled" the situation and insisted on fighting for him. When he hooked up with me he was wonderful my kids LOVED him. So I am sure that the Ditchpig#2 and Dar the D0uchebag's kids think he is wonderful. And they will be devastated when he leaves them as well. That is so sick it creeps me out.


What the he!! is wrong with me that I didn't see this? No, there is nothing wrong with me. I trusted him. I believed in him. I thought more of him than he thinks of himself.


Boy was I wrong. I expected a partner. I got a child. I expected him to be a father that would always be there for DD. Wrong again.


It is so clear that I cannot help him because he cannot help himself. He cannot see the wrong in what he is doing.


Well, the counsellor said that DD was very mature for her age and that he would finish the report this week. No access for Dork.


I am sure I will have down days still. But, I now am realizing that my expectations will never be met by Dork. He is a child and a narcissist. Not a man that can be either a father or a husband. He is an addict. He CANNOT get off the drug of self-involvement and selfish desires.


It is a relief to finally get some understanding.

I am sure I will have down days still. But, I now am realizing that my expectations will never be met by Dork. He is a child and a narcissist. Not a man that can be either a father or a husband. He is an addict. He CANNOT get off the drug of self-involvement and selfish desires.


It is a relief to finally get some understanding.