I've reached some kind of turning point, and I sure hope it sticks! <P>At the same time, I am distrubed by some of what I've read here, and I feel I may have put my finger on some of it, at least. <P>I was the betrayed for 12 yrs. before I betrayed. I was angry and bitter (about that in particular) for the entire time. I could go about the days, make love to my H, and be a good parent UNTIL that subject came up somehow. I think that part of the reason for it is that my H never admitted that his affairs WERE affairs because he never had intercourse, and secondly he lied for all those yrs. about what actually did happen. He only told me when I had an affair. He said he told me to make me feel better about what I had done. Amazingly, I did feel better (but not for the reasons he thought) but because somewhere inside I KNEW that there had been more. But my point is, I guess, that I can understand some of the residual anger by the betrayed on the board who just can't or won't let the pain pass. I tried for years to let it pass... and I'd think I was doing pretty good sometimes.. and then BAM! there would be the pain again. Some little reminder, a song by Chicago (one of his women gave him tapes and lyrics from Chicago love songs) or hearing one of the names of the women. It would send me reeling back into the past. I don't even go into all the other things that happened at the time, and they were doozies. Had I been on this board at the time, you guys would have seen a whole different woman.<P>And so now I am here as betrayer, as well as betrayed. I never in a million years thought I would do to him what he did to me. NEVER! But I did, and I've spent the last several months wondering how I got to the point. Was it retribution? Was it emotional pain? Was it just that I was vulnerable and a man without intergrity swept me away? No, honestly, what happened was that I was very unhappy in my marriage and I was too cowardly to leave it. Mine was an exit affair, but things didn't go as planned. What's really sad here is that THIS IS WHAT IT TOOK FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND what my H went through all those years ago.<P>If it's possible to love people I don't even know, then I really love everyone on this board. As far as I'm concerned, we are all just sinners saved by grace. God never said that sin was separated into "kinda bad" "bad" and "really bad" categories. Sin is sin. For 12 yrs. my H was labeled as betrayer and me as betrayed. Does that mean that his sin was worse than my sin? No. And I sinned plenty, believe me.<P>I guess I'm just a peace loving sap who wishes we could all look beyond our limited world and understand that there are many differences between us...but we all share a legacy we wish we didn't - infidelity.<P>I offer prayers and good wishes for all of us who are working to put our marriages, our lives, back together. No matter which side we're on, we're doing our best, and that accounts for something.<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited September 26, 1999).]

NB-<P>Hi. I have to hand it to you. You are very right. God sees a lie in the same why that He sees infidelity. Sad, but true.<BR>I believe, only with His grace, that I will be albe to forgive my h (even if he doesn't want to stay married) because God has given me the grace to do so. I want to be one of those people that can see a human being as a human being. Fault and all. <BR>I want to be able to hate the sin and love the sinner.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

NB - Not too sure what to say, but you are right on target. I don't think it could have been better said.<P>Lori

NB,<BR> I've been where you've been in terms of anger over H's affair, only I didn't have an affair myself.<BR> I've been miserable for the past 13 years, mostly because I KNEW he had cheated and was continuing to lie to me. Worse...he actually told me that I must have cheated on him and given him the STD! Last year was a living hell for me, as I suspected that he had fallen in love with someone. I started on a Plan A without even knowing what it was...only to have my efforts rejected over and over. The only appreciation he showed was for the homecooked meals! The communication, the sex...everything was lousy! However, since the first of the year, things have gotten better, and since he admitted, he has been bending over backwards to show me love and affection.<BR> I still don't think he's told me the truth about everything. He only admitted a one-night stand....I think to get me to come back home. I had blown my stack and walked out on him after I caught him having lunch at the last suspected OW's restaurant (after I had told him that I did not want him anywhere near her unless I was with him). However, I look at this admission as being a start.<BR> So, tell your H that you BOTH created the current situation, and that you BOTH must fix it! Just keep showing your H that you love him. He really needs that reassurance right now! And, tell him that you also need that reassurance from him.<BR> Good luck!!