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Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass...She REALLY hits the nail on the head WRT workplace relationships.
It is those types of intimate relationships OUTSIDE the M than, more than likely, WILL result in an EA/PA.
Flirting is NOT OK, in my book, when a person is in an exclusive R or M...so disrespectful to your SO/spouse.
WNB
43yr old FWH who has rediscovered morality
Divorced: 03 February 2006
XW: My threads say it all
"Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life..."
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I am what you would call a serial flirt. I think it CAN be healthy, if done in a conscientious, fun-loving way. My line of limit though, is flirting that both I and my husband would be comfortable with, whether he was present or not. Transparency, clear as a bell... its o.k. to flirt only if your flirtacoues partner know that you are hopelessly devoted to your spouse and would do nothing in the world to harm oar anger them.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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it's ok to flirt only if your flirtacoues partner know that you are hopelessly devoted to your spouse and would do nothing in the world to harm oar anger them Just to debate a bit here LT,what if the other person flirting isn't aware of how devoted you are to your spouse,or,worse yet doesn't care that you are married? How do you assess each situation and how do you trust that these people aren't out for their own purposes? I don't believe that if a person knows how devoted you are to your spouse that they would actively engage in flirting unless they are trying to see if they can lure you away or are just being rude.And,if the flirting is taking place with someone you actually do know in person,I find it repulsive that they would do this knowing you are already married. Afterall,if you look at the definition of flirting: playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest,et al, this should not be done between a spouse and other people,IMO. Your thoughts on this? Just curious. O
BW(me)40
DDay 10/11/03
Divorcing
'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1
~Let Higher Minds Prevail~
---------------
~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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I agree wholeheartedly... Here's how http://www.m-w.com defines flirting" [color:"red"] 1 : FLICK 2 : to move in a jerky manner intransitive senses 1 : to move erratically : FLIT 2 a : to behave amorously without serious intent b : to show superficial or casual interest or liking <flirted with the idea>; also : EXPERIMENT <a novelist flirting with poetry> 3 : to come close to -- used with with <the temperature flirted with 100°> [/color] Why on earth would someone in a committed relationship want to [color:"red"] "behave amorously without serious intent" [/color] unless they MAY not be as committed to the R as they thought. It was never a thought to flirt with ANYONE while STBXW and I were pre D-Day...I went out of my way to avoid ANY situation that could be misconstrued as me being "wayward". My .02 WNB
43yr old FWH who has rediscovered morality
Divorced: 03 February 2006
XW: My threads say it all
"Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life..."
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What do you gain from this flirting?
Everything humans do is for a reason and an expected result.
If you are TRULY committed to your M and your H, what NEED does this "harmless" flirting meet that is not being met within the confines of your M?
Not trying be inflammatory, I simply don't understand the logic...
WNB
43yr old FWH who has rediscovered morality
Divorced: 03 February 2006
XW: My threads say it all
"Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life..."
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I couldn't agree more, OG. Well said! Flirting while married or in a committed relationship serves no purpose other than hurting the other partner, especially if it is done right in front of their face!
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Broken,
It crosses the line as soon as it bothers you. It is that simple.
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I am what you would call a serial flirt. I think it CAN be healthy, if done in a conscientious, fun-loving way. I'd like to share why I think this is dangerous. Flirting ... fun-loving flirting is meeting one of your ENs. And when you have your ENs met by a person of the opposite sex (instead of your spouse) .... it can and does lead to trouble in paradise. If you substitute/insert any EN here ... conversation instead of flirting for example .... it too is a dangerous situation where ENs are being met outside the marriage. And as we all know ... affairs start in ways that initially "seem" innocent and fun. But the draw is ... meeting ENs makes the other person attractive. I think your flirting is very risky.
Last edited by Pepperband; 07/12/05 03:01 PM.
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Hi, this is my first post.
What about hugging? There's someone my husband works with that hugs him. I don't think this behavior is appropriate.
Me: 35, FWW
H: 37
Married 1990
DD:10
A began 12/97, ended 3/98
DS: 2
Mostly recovered.
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else...
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Hi, this is my first post.
What about hugging? There's someone my husband works with that hugs him. I don't think this behavior is appropriate. male or female <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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Me: 35, FWW
H: 37
Married 1990
DD:10
A began 12/97, ended 3/98
DS: 2
Mostly recovered.
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else...
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Is she old enough to be his Aunt Bea? (Like on Andy Griffith Show of long ago <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ) .... or is she close to his age?
and .... how do you know she hugs your husband? Did you see it yourself, or did H tell you ... or did someone else tell you?
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She's one year younger than he is. He told me about it.
Me: 35, FWW
H: 37
Married 1990
DD:10
A began 12/97, ended 3/98
DS: 2
Mostly recovered.
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else...
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I work with all guys and have for years. I am a lot of fun at work and always joke around with them, but I never, ever flirt with them. They are my coworkers and I would never want to invite them to cross that line. I don't want them to think of me in a bad light. I believe I would be doing that by flirting with them.
In fact, I consider it very inappropriate to flirt with my co-workers and when someone does it in this environment, it is viewed as weird. It is certainly not the norm.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She's one year younger than he is. He told me about it. Did you give him advice about how to handle this if she tries it again? "Please ... no touching. I have a condition." LOL .... it's called MARRIAGE .... but this chickie doesn't need to know that! Let her think he's got a bad rash or a case of "whatever".
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I haven't given him any advice... I don't know what that advice should be. I guess that's why this post caught my attention. I wonder how most of you feel about The Hug.
I don't know if I'm being jealous and unreasonable...
I know that he IS attracted to her. He told me that he is. So hey, I want the hugs to stop, yes? But how to make it stop, I don't know.
Me: 35, FWW
H: 37
Married 1990
DD:10
A began 12/97, ended 3/98
DS: 2
Mostly recovered.
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else...
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Posts: 35,996
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I don't know if I'm being jealous and unreasonable... You are entitled to expect women to keep their hands off your husband. NOT unreasonable. I know that he IS attracted to her. He told me that he is. THIS is the actual problem ... start your OWN thread .... and ask for some help.
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Okay. I'm nervous, though. I'll try to put something together.
Me: 35, FWW
H: 37
Married 1990
DD:10
A began 12/97, ended 3/98
DS: 2
Mostly recovered.
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else...
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Posts: 748
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Octobergirl and Pep,
You've given me food for thought.
Perhaps my definition of flirting is not the same. I never thought of it as dangerous, because I have firm boundaries that I do not cross and don't let others cross --- nothing physical, no sexual innuendos, nothing that couldn't be said on a load speaker in public without embarassment. The type of flirting that I do is with men and women --- more of an expression of admiration for some trait that makes that person special.
A threat to my marriage? I certainly never thought so, but I'll have to think about this more critically.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Posts: 35,996
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Perhaps my definition of flirting is not the same. Very likely I'd say. The old saying "God is in the details" is true. Pay attention is my advice. I work in healthcare. I got into trouble by hugging the father of a dying infant once. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> His wife thought I was making a play for the man ... I assure you, I was not ... but who knows the past history this couple had ??? Not me ... and I DID cross a line that was inappropriate for ~them~ based on their past history. I learned something that day ... what I thought was an appropriate supporting hug looked very inappropriate to his wife. I put myself into some sort of situation unawares of the family/personal dynamic that preceeded my action. BTW, this was many many years ago ... and it still smarts when I think about it.
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