I don't feel any better than I did yesterday about exposing. WH has not found out yet. WH did receive a message yesterday from OW that her H was on a rampage and that she was afraid she was going to get killed last night. WH has not heard from her all day today.

I called her cell phone # from a pay phone and got an answer so I know she is still alive.

OM still scares me and I don't want to give him any personal information about me or my WH. I know OM has questions....but I am scared of him.

I want to tell my WH what I did yesterday. I have always been honest with him & even though he has betrayed me I don't want to put myself in the shoes of dishonesty or keeping a secret.

I know if I were in OM's position I would want to know about the A & he has a right to be angry and upset. I know that you all say I have done the right thing. I am exhausted with worry.....I feel like e-mailing the OW and telling him I don't want to be in touch with him anymore.

Kim
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

Do you really belive all of this hoopla about the OW being a victim and in serious danger? If she is a victim and afraid for her life, you bet your A$$ your lying wayward husband is on that short list also. I am not joking with you here.

The very fact that you say something like "I know she is alive" makes me really question if you are not a little in the "fog" yourself. If any of this $hit is true (highly doubtful--> you are being played)about the OWH, then you best get the hell away from your wayward NOW, as you or your child do NOT want to be caught in the crossfire. This isn't about marriage building if you start talking about life and death. WTH?

Sour........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kimberly -

The rampage/abused wife is usually a scam - I am talking about in relation to cheaters - not in regular relationships. I WAS in an abusive relationship, and believe me, I never even glanced at another man - my husband had me too terrified.

On the off-chance that it is true, she needs to help herself by getting professional help. It is not up to your husband, or YOU. Please don't feel guilty.

The more likely case is that her husband is a normal man, but now is on to her crap, and watching her. She may be telling your husband that he went on a rampage to keep you from contacting him.

If it was me, I would talk directly to him, and let him know the what his wife is saying.

In my case the OWH was supposedly abusive. I think he really was, because I had seen her before with a black eye. It took a great deal for me to expose to him. But when I did, afterward it gave me great relief. YOU didn't cause the affair. YOU didn't sleep with another man. YOU didn't break your marriage vows. What you DID do was stand for your marriage. My H told me after I exposed that I would never know what a terrible thing I had done by exposing to OWH. I told him I was not sorry for exposing to him. She knew what he was before she began the A with MY H, and the consequences with her H were HERS, not mine.

You may tell your husband or not, if you wish. I didn't tell mine, because my business with OWH was MINE. Of course, he knew within 10 minutes. But he didn't tell me about it for quite a while. I feel no remorse. You shouldn't either.

Just my $.02

Kimberly, Exposure is slimey business. I don't think anybody can feel good about it. It's one of those things you have to do like plunging the toilet or cleaning out the litter box. And once you do it, things are a lot better.

You did fine. OW is answerable to her H for what she did. If telling OWH blows the affair apart, it's good for you. Chances are OWH is not abusive. If he is, she needs to get away from him but that path should not include another man.

kimberly234.

Put me right up there with Starz. OW said her H would kill himself if he knew. (Gee, honey, why didn't you think of that before you screwed my husband, then?) I think she believed this. He WAS depressed. But he didn't kill himself, or her, or my husband, either. He threatened to beat the living crap out of my husband but he never did.

What OWH ("Other Woman's Husband," not OM, which would make him the "Other Man." I know, the abbreviations can be confusing at first)... anyway, what OWH does is between him and OW. You did not cause anything. You merely brought it to light. Let her deal with her circumstances.

Your husband will find out eventually that you called OWH. You can tell him yourself, but do not apologize for it. Instead, tell him what we've said here. You're not ignorant of the (possible) fallout, but you're not responsible for it, either. You did it because you felt OWH had a right to know and you would have appreciated a call from him if the situation was reversed.

~ Snow

And Kimberly -

It is extremely common to make up lies about the spouse when someone is cheating. Otherwise how could the betrayal be justified?

My WH's OW claimed that her husband was "controlling". When I told him that he just chuckled. He never controlled anything about her. She was a stay-at-home mom, but worked part-time, and he worked 3 jobs to allow her to do that. Her money was her own, and his was hers too. He encouraged her to do whatever she wanted to do.

The completely crazy thing is that my WH is EXTREMELY controlling. Haha. Joke's on her.

Kim, I am aghast that you would believe these lies. I don't know who is more fogged out, you or your H. First off, your H told you that her H already knew about the affair. And he didn't kill her, did he?

Did you forget that?

You are only "afraid" of him because you choose to believe LIES manufactured by infidels.

You owe it to the OW's VICTIM to give him information so he can protect himself from his sleazy wife and your sleazy husband. Lets not forget who the REAL VICTIMS are here.

Thanks for your posts.

LM - Do you think then that I am loosing my perspective & being sucked in? When I think of the possibility of WH being physically hurt by someone it freaks me out. I have seen a lot of my actual H lately instead of WH. Many of you will say that WH deserves what is coming to him, but gosh, this is the man I love. Would you not want to protect the person you love??? I know that I didn't receive protection from WH.......but I am better than that. OW has shown up battered(I didn't see her, just from what WH has told me) and has had to be taken to the hospital.

Believer: At first I believed the "abused" story and then after posting & reading here I highly questioned it. Now, I believe it is most likely true. And why didn't OW tell my WH right away that I exposed??? I don't know, maybe OWH didn't tell his wife how he found out.

Starz: Your're right - I DID NOT cause the affair. Everyone makes choices in life & sometimes you have consequences for your actions. If she was in an abusive situation, what does she think her H would do if he did find out?????? Go over & shake the OM's hand???? Our MC said that some women are so mentally weak they can't remove themselves from abusive situations...even when they are practically beaten to death.

I still feel like I should tell WH....

K

Bravo, MelodyLane!

Hi Kimberly,

Let the cards fall where they may.I agree with the other's,this whole mess is blowing up because they started it all with an A and now things aren't so secret and protected.It's ugly as ugly as it can get and maybe more coming.But it's not your fault for bringing it out in the open.

Even if it was truly so bad that the OW's husband was abusive,it's not your job to protect her from HER ACTIONS.She should have thought of the consequences before she got involved with a married man.More than likely it's all a ploy to keep you under control and keep your WH as the rescuer in the adulterous relationship.

Stay strong,you did the right thing.Maintain your confidence and position here ok? Don't back down no matter what you are hit with coming up.Integrity,dignity,assuredness.Focus on behavior,right from wrong.

O

And this is most likely because she can't get away with carrying on an affair with her H watching. Which was the entire goal. Please don't tell me you are now upset that the OW isn't contacting your H?

Kim, if you don't follow up with the OWH and give him the facts he needs, she can spin this all away. She can easily deny the affair and make up some story about some vindictive woman who is out to get her. And what will he have to respond with? Nothing. So, the affair will go on.

Kim, you have to stop cowering with fear and face this head on. If you don't stop running at the first sign of trouble, you are going to lose your marriage. You are in a fight for your marriage and you cannot afford to surrender at each and every sign of trouble.

So, get back on that field, and start talking to the OWH. Help him end this affair by giving him the information he needs.

Stop helping these infidels HIDE their affair. Stop helping these infidels destroy their marriages!

Without beating around the bush......YES, without a doubt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re-read what you have written. You are in a fog. You loving your WH has nothing really to do with this. You know what true love would be LOVE here?.........to NOT protect him from all of this B$ and continue full blown exposure. YOu want to know what love would be? To do everything within your power to end this affair and give your marriage a chance. That is waht love is.

Talk to the OWH again. Make sure all know and stop believing all of this incredible B$ your wayward is feeding you. This is all B$ cooked up by your wayward to paralyze you and guilt you into a state of fear.....it is working. We'll see what happens when youe Wh finds out that you told.

Answer me this one question. Is he (WH) still active in this affair? If the answrer is yes, Then stop referring to him as your Husband. WH lie, cheat, steal and will do anything to prolong an affair.

Don't believe the hype.

You are dying to belive anything he says. We know the feeling. Your Wayward is NO different than any other wayward here. This is textbook B$ from your WH. All of these incredibly bright and knowledgeable people giving you the SAME advice here are not by conincidence just agreeing with each other.

We have a different perspective than you and can see the "fog" a million miles away. You are waist deep in the fog girl. Please realize this.

Sour............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ML:

I think I am "fogged" out too........HELP. I cannot think straight at all. WH did say that her H knew already. BUT come to find out he had only suspected. SO, that was a lie.

If I ask her H if he is abusive, I know he will say no. I don't know if I can trust him and I don't know if I want to communicate with him. I know this is all based on what WH has told me & I know WH's all lie. If I communicate with her H, I want to proceed cautiously.....

I am sorry that I am having a hard time with this guys. I have always been the "shy girl who never said a bad word". "If you don't have anything good to say, then don't say it at all."

Kim

Protect them from the consequences of their bad behavior? That it not "love," that is enabling. That is tantamount to handing a needle to a drug addict and has nothing to do with "love." You are helping your H be a BAD MAN and you are helping him destroy your marriage and the OW's marriage. Love means helping those you love become the BEST they can be, not the WORST they can be.

Kimberly -

I can see that you still think the OW is in an abusive relationship. Let's assume that is true. If it is true, it has been happening before the affair. You mentioned one of the problems - that some women will not leave an abusive spouse until they have been beat to death. That is absolutely true.

So you can forget about your husband's affair, and not confront the OW's husband again. That will protect her a bit. But not really, since she was being abused before the affair. And we all know about the "cycle of abuse".

You, your husband, me, and God can try to protect her. But in the end, it is all fruitless. She needs to seek help, and protect herself.

Don't believe liars, Kim. The story about her H knowing was a lie. The story about her "abusive" H was a lie too. If she was worried about his "abuse" at getting caught screwing other people's husbands, she wouldn't have done it.

Why are you worried about something that she is not worried about? Do you know something about the situation, about her husband, that she does not? Do you know more than her? Then why is she is NOT SCARED to be caught in an affair [after all, she took the risk] and you ARE?

That makes no sense, Kim.

Who is the real victim here?

Kim:

What are you sorry for girl? This is SUPPOSED to be hard. Do you think people can sit back and give you this clear headed, reasoned advice if they did not live this nightmare in some way, shape, or form? DO you think that none of us struggled in this situation?

You are going to be fine. Your struggling, but that is ok. You just have to be able to accept that you are struggling and correct your actions that are causing the "struggles". Accpet that you are fogged, and listen to reason. Keep an "open" perspective...and whatever you do, please do not think that your wayward husband is different. They never are "different"...NEVER.

Sour..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Myself and her H are the real victims.

There is nothing I can do about the situation if it is abusive. My WH thinks he can.

Geez, I am losing it. I want to save my marriage and I am freaking out. I don't want to be an enabler.

I will e-mail OWH & answer some of the questions he had. What makes me uneasy is that he won't answer my question about whether or not he wants to save his marriage or not. I have clearly told him what my goals are with this.

I still want to tell my WH.

K

LM -

I am trying so hard to take in all of this advice and go with it. I know that you guys know what you are talking about and have been down this path already. Thanks for seeing my struggle with this.

I appreciate all of you so much & just don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for MB's!

Kim