Kim, please answer his questions openly and honestly. He is a victim and deserves to know the truth. That is the kind, compassionate thing to do so he can protect himself and his children from your H and his W.

As far as wanting to save his marriage, that is his personal affair and he is not obligated to answer that. You have no right to demand his answer.

And there is no reason you can't tell your H. But please tell the OWH what he needs to know first. I suspect that when you tell your H, he will make you feel ashamed for busting him and turn the blame on you. And I fear you will accept that inappropriate blame becasue you already feel guilty defending yourself and the OWH from the infidels. So before you tell your H, please finish the job and fully inform the OWH.

Kimberly -

Your husband doesn't have a chance in the world of helping her. If her claims are true, he is one of the least likely to be able to help her. After all, he is helping her betray her husband.

Having gone through being abused, I will tell you that there is very likely NOTHING anyone can do. My son's father beat me, and I mean BEAT me. I had the black eyes, completely swollen shut for a week, knocked out teeth, etc. I didn't seek help.

My turning point was when my 1 year old had croup. I wanted to take him to the ER late at night. My husband didn't want me to leave and we got into an argument. He slapped me several times, giving me another black eye, and a big welt across my cheek. I left and took son to the ER.

While my son was getting breathing treatment, the doc asked me how I was. Of course I made up some excuse for the way I looked. The doc told me he thought that maybe I was being abused. I denied it.

But that was the night I decided I had had enough. Once the abuse was brought out into the open, it gave me strength. I went home and told my husband that if he ever touched me again, I would call the police. We had the usual honeymoon period, but when it happened again, I called the cops, and got a restraining order. That was the end of my hell.

Believer: Thanks so much for your story. If she is actually abused, there is nothing in the world anyone can do until she makes that choice. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through something like that......So sad that there are people like that in this world. And in front of your children too. I am glad you got yourself out of that situation.

ML: I have done what you suggested and answered the questions he presented to me today. I still do not feel
comfortable giving out personal info.

Thanks!

Kim

What kind of personal info did he ask? He deserves to know all the information you have about the affair. Including the name of the perpetrator who is trying to destroy his family. What inappropriate personal information did he ask?

(c)OW in our sitch was abused. But she also turned the abuse around in order to play ingénue. Mel is right. She is a liar...she's a cheater and a liar. WH thinks he's being noble - trying to save her. He's a cheater and a liar right now, too. He's not being noble...he's being a horse's a$$, and it's gonna bite him hard. Been there, seen that.

This OW is the enemy of your marriage. Period. Her history is NOT YOUR PROBLEM...Arm yourself against her attacks (and her ploys and pleas ARE attacks on your M). You save you and yours...PERIOD!

The other Kimberly

Kimberly - Don't worry - everything turned out just fine for me and my sons. They are 20 and 23 now, and in college and working. Their dad died at 40 from a heart attack due to a methamphetamine episode. Best thing he ever did for his boys - they got to collect his social security.

If your questions are important to you, you let OW's H know you need answers also. It is like a bargaining tool but know he is hurt and may not have the answers. Let him if he doesn't have the answers yet, you at least need to know something tangible. Mention that if you don't get some response, you may wonder if he is as bad as you have heard (then don't elaborate), let him answer your questions 1st.

L.

Kim,

Just my fifty cents worth:

Certainly the OW is lying. Your WH? Maybe, maybe not.

I know that in my situation, the OW told my FWH that her H was a sexual 'monster', demanding SF on a nightly basis, and if she did not do this - every night, he refused to speak to her. My H bought this stupid story, hook, line, & sinker.

Without coming out and calling her a LIAR (which she was), I pointed out a few facts:

1. Her kids were grown by then;

2. She made a LOT of money;

3. Her H was always going to IC/MC with and without her;

4. She had had other As.

5. She stayed in the M after my FWH broke it off with her.

OPs are LIARS. They use their lies to control the WS.

Unfortunately, your WH, being in the Fog, can't/won't admit that the fantasy is just that. And, if you call her what she is - a LIAR - that is a LB, the truth, but a LB.

Keep doing what you are doing. Expose. Point out the truth/reality without wavering.

And, good luck!