My wife has been more distant and cold to me after her mother had talked to her and after her mother had sent her the letter saying she should not get back with me as I am obsessed with her cheating on me. Anyway, Friday night we were together with the kids and watched a movie at her house. It was late so we went to bed and then she got pissed off at me for assuming I could stay over. I was upset at how she was talking to me and how she had been treating me recently which was nasty. I then blew up and pulled the picture of the OM out of her dresser and was clearly upset that she was obsessed with this guy. I cooled down pretty quick and we talked but it was clear we were both upset. She of course felt her privacy was violated and I told her our daughter had found the picture which was true. I told her there was no way we could work on our marriage if she was still involved with him and she refused to acknowledge he was the problem. She then told the kids the next day we are getting a divorce and told them the OM was just a friend which they now believe. I was upset she told them that without me and she said well that you’re the one that wants a divorce. I told her that is not what I want but I really feel it is what she wants but wants me to be the bad guy. I latter talked to my daughter about our vacation we are taking and said mom would not be coming and she got real upset. My wife was still considering going but had told them things would be different than the last trip we took. I talked to my wife the following day and again said I did not want a divorce but was still upset about the OM. This is really getting me down as she has got me either way I go and it is tough.

Well I took my wife to dinner last night and then talked latter and to say the least she is still pissed off at me for violating her privacy as she put it. She also said she was affraid of me but in 18 years I have never even came close to raising a hand at her so I figured she was playing that up. She also looked like she just got done cleaning her house which is not like her to go out like that. I spoke to her twice today (she called me) about the kids and I asked her if she felt any better and she said no. I then sent her the following email which is somewhat like plan B I think:

"I am very very sorry for what happened Friday night and what has happened to us. I do hope you know, as I said last night, I would never ever hurt you physically and I also do not want to hurt you emotionally which is what I have been doing. As a result I will stay out of your life as much as you want and will only interface with you regarding the kids or other affairs as they arise."

Well I guess thats about it.

I am sorry for what happened but knowing what she was doing and just playing along was not good for me at all. I have to remove myself from that although it is very hard.

This is the responce I recieved from my wife:

"I'm sorry things have turned out the way they have between us too. There is allot of hurt feelings and we have to manage that as best as possible. The kids are the priority. I too feel we should do things as a family but I don't think that it is appropriate for me to go to XXX. I think that there would be a resonance of bad feelings at this time. I know they really want to go and you can make it a fun trip for them if you decide to and can put other things aside for a few days and make it about them. I know they will be disappointed that I'm not going but I believe that is best for now. If we are to do things together as a family we've got to let the hurting die down and not create new hurt feelings. For now its all too raw. I do accept your apology and I am sorry too for the hurt I've caused you.
Love,
XXXX"

I plan to take the kids on vacation without her. It is not what I would like or would they would like but that is how it will be. I am distancing myself from her as I told her I would. I will give it some time before I proceed with a divorce as I also need time to get over what has happened and what is happening.

I did go on vacation without my wife and I took the kids and we had a great time. I went out and met a nice woman and we had a nice time together but just talked. It was just nice to get some attention.
When I got back I stoped at my wifes house and we all had dinner and then we left. I did not pay any real attention to her and when I got home she called and asked what was up with me. I just told her I was ready to move on without her and I wanted a divorce. She was surprised and I new she thought I had met someone base don some of her comments. We talked for some time and agreed to divorce in time and we would do this without ending up hating each other. We have spent time togehter sence and have been phyisical but I have made up my mind. It not easy but I know we need to do this as she has no intention of being a wife again at least with me. She even said last night when she came over and made dinner we needed to get a wife. She just has no real drive to be domestic again.

Sounds like my ww. Get her out of yuor life completely my friend. You and your kids deserve better than some cake eating ego maniac that is using you. She has fun while you take on all the responsibility. sounds familiar buddy. Move on you will be better off. Thank god I did not have any ****** kids with this ******. 13 years and she doesn't want any responsibility. "I need to find myself"."I need space". Sound familiar? Move on my friend. T <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />hat's what everyone keeps telling me and I beleive it now.

Update:

I talked to my wife a few weeks ago and I just wanted to end this misery because I knew what ever happened with us was just temporary until her BF got back from Iraq and she saw him.
She says she wants to see him and she sends him cards, photos, etc. At the same time she says she does not want to be a wife at all to anyone. I asked her what the difference was from say going out with me or with him and she said because they had no past and she could be more at ease with him. I said that is very shallow. We have 18 years together and in the last 11 months have learned allot from each other and our needs. We are in a much different place than we were but she just can not let him go and give us the attention we deserve. I am not sure if it would matter or not but it can not work like it is and I know that.
I talked to her again this weekend and asked her if she definatly wanted a divorce and she said quickly yes. I told her why I wanted a divorce two weeks ago and it was as I stated above. She did admit to seeing him when she left me 11 months ago but said she did not leave me for him but it made it easier to leave. I also told her I had dated and did not go into the details with her and she did not ask. She said she would still like to see me and date and could possibly see us together some day but not now. She is being noticeably more distant physically towards me and I can just imagine that is because he is either back or will be soon. This is hard as one can imagine but I have no recourse as I know I have tried all I could and I just have to move on. I have new friends and go out when I can but being single at 43 is not at all what I planed or would like. I was out last night and when I got home she was there with the kids and asked about the women I was helping move and if I was there all that time, etc. I know it bugs her but she will not admit it as she knows what she has planned so she can not say anything.
The other thing that put a twist in this is that her sisters husband just asker her for a divorse. She had an affair a few years back and they got back together. I belive my wife is more convinced now that I could not fully accept her back and she may be in the same situation a few years from now.

I spoke to my wife again last night. For the most part we get along and we talk about what happened to us but there is no commitment on her part for recovery. We were just talking last night about the day and I mentioned I was going out with some people from work on Thursday night and then going to a friends birthday party on Friday night and then I just mentioned that if I go fishing again in the Atlantic I will charter a boat. She then said why are you so different now and how frustrating it is that I am now doing all the things she would have wanted me to do years ago. I told her that I have been changing my way of life for some time and I am now able to do many things I either could not do before or was not comfortable doing. I said if she likes how I am now what is stopping us from living a life together. She responded that her feelings for me have changed. So I am now who she wants me to be but her feelings have changed. I would bet my paycheck if she did not have a BF she would try much harder and put more effort in what she is about to loose. I have completed plan A and I think I did a good job in that. I am not sure if plan B would work now or not. I really feel if she would not have left me and would not have had an affair we would be fine but that is not what happened and it is a shame as I do love her and she does Love me but she says love is not enough. I asked her to do some thinking about this while she is away on her business trip.
Any comments?