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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14 |
I am at a loss for what to do. I have been married for 9 years and have four kids. My husband and I were married within a year of our first date, and dated long distance. I didn't move to the town we live in until after we got married. I soon discovered that my husband had lied to me about several things, and he has continued to lie. He cheated on his first wife several times- she confronted him after we were married regarding one affair that he had with a good friend of hers and he denied it-BUT he had told me all about it. He lies for either one of two reasons- to make himself look better or to keep out of trouble. Every major problem we have ever had has come from his lies. I have never had definate proof that he has had an affair, and he plays such offensive mind games that when caught in one of his lies that I have always backed down feeling like the one at fault. I feel in a way like a battered wife- he lies to me-convinces me that he had to for some fault of mine- then promises to never lie again-and for a short time is supper nice-the the cycle starts over when I find him in another lie. I have lost ALL sense of trust and security. A year ago he started requesting new things sexually, and started doing odd things- all with no explanation. Then he went on a bussiness trip and lied about EVERYTHING regarding the weekend- and when confronted said at first he couldn't tell me because I would be left alone to raise my kids and then had no reason why he lied BUT insisted that he was not having and affair. I couldnt get in touch with him one night during this convention and later found out he never checked into his hotel room. We went to marriage counseling to get to the bottem of all the lies, and during our first session the therapist discovered that he was adopted and came to the conclusion he had detachment disorder and needed to focus on his needs before she could address our needs as a couple. Well, months go by and he sporadically sees the therapist- then she tells me for the good our family I must forget all that was done in the past- and forget about that weekend. So, for most of the last year I have tried very hard to do that. Two months ago I found an empty Enzyte package- he has never needed this- and when I asked him about it he lied, then two weeks ago I was out of town and he lied to me about where he was that Friday night. He told me he was having dinner with his parents when in reality he was at a party. Again when I confronted him about his lies and asking him what was going on he tried to turn it on me- even accused me of having an affair! But, this time I didn't fall for his mind games-Still I don't know what to do. I dont think he will ever stop lieing, and my instincts tell me he was having an affair last year and probably is now- I just don't have the proof. I would like to say that I would like to work things out- But, I don't know if I can EVER trust him. And the only true remorse he shows is for getting caught. I don't want our kids thinking that this is normal- my oldest already sees through his lies and gets angry with him. I want my kids to have a happy and emotionally healthy home, I just don't know how to get that.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
The lying is a symptom of the A and your real problem.
See if you can schedule some phone counseling time with Steve from MB. Also read His Needs/Her Needs. This book is a basic guidebook to help us know how to communicate with our spouses. It may not be how we think it s/b.
L.
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 368
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 368 |
I don't normally post responses to newcomers because there are others that are more experienced that I, but for some reason, in your case, I feel I must.
I have a couple of questions for you:
1. Does your H start arguments with you and then leave for extended periods of time?
2. Can you account for all money spent by you and your H? If so, are there things sporadically missing from your home like DVD's, CD's, etc.? Are there pawn slips in your H's wallet?
3. Does your H have sporadic acne breakouts, especially after said arguements and leaving?
The reason I ask is, it sounds to me like your H is a functioning drug addict. Again, I could be WAY off, in fact I hope I am.
I hope I don't scare you off. Please take care and know that everyone here cares, including me.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,719
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Start keeping a journal. It helped me with his lies. At least I know I am not crazy. I also showed him some parts of my journal when he lied again. He was furious at my proof. But stopped him dead in this tracks. He shut his mouth and would not talk to me. When he did talk he tried to start defending himself again. I just looked at him and said just stop no more. I am sick of your lies. When you tell me the truth then we can move forward. I also told him you have lied and deceived me for XXX long. It will take honesty and truth for us to move forward. Until then we are sitting on the fence. But I own the cards as I have proof of what he has sadi and when. Men also do not do well with time frames. Mine says his was on a few months when it was 2+ years.
married 21 Together 26 - OW 2yrs, he worked with her and found secret e-mail account.The first cut is the deepest. just found out H is a serial cheater - total cut to pieces now- saw a D lawyer today.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
mom4, unfortunately, this is a not marital problem but a mental problem of your husband's. If I were you, I would start taking steps to protect myself and my children and accept the truth: that you cannot change him. You cannot change him, mom. There is nothing we can tell you that would cause him to change.
He is already in counseling and you can see that he has no intention of changing. Nor does this counselor give a damn about you and your kids. She is asking you to live with lies and the real risk of STDs, which is a sign of a very bad counselor. Her advice for you to "get over it" and stop seeking the truth is not in your best interest.
This man is dangerous to you in many ways, emotionally and physically [STD's] and you need to protect yourself from him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14
Junior Member
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14 |
I absolutely agree that my husband has a serious problem with Lieing, and will never change. I am so sick of all the dishonesty!!! My trust was a gift I gave him, and he turns around and throws it in my face time and time again. I think I am way past the point of EVER trusting him again- and I feel guilty for feeling this way. He has been so mad at me since I "caught" him in the newest round of lies. The only true remorse he shows is for getting caught! I just don't know what the right thing to do is! I worry about my kids.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 416
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 416 |
((( Momof4 )))
What do you think you should do ? What do you think will make this bearable for you ?
Are you better with him or without him ?
Take care, you are not alone.
Car
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14
Junior Member
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14 |
I have been trying for SO LONG. I started catching the lies soon after we were married- too many to count. I know tht if we had dated longer, and had lived in the same town before we married I would have seen thru him sooner. I have tried for so long because of my kids. My world is turned upside down every time I find him in a lie. All sense of security is gone, and I find myself an emotional wreck. It is hard to get just basic household chores done, let alone be a good mom- and that is not right for my kids. This time is different- I have completely removed myself emotionally from him. I am not fighting or questioning him for hours on end trying to make sense of his "stories." His response has been even more anger and avoidance. I am just concentrating on my kids. I also explained to him that I could not be intimate with him because I have no trust in where he has been- he responded with he could care less! Despite all of this I feel like for the first time in years I am doing what is right- I am not compromising myself to swallow his lies. I don't know if it would be better for my kids to be with us the way we are now, or if we were divorced. I think in both circumstances they are going to loose out. I just know for my own emtional well being I can not keep buying the lies.
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