Michele, I wasn't suggesting that he move to another state, only that he avoid any places that she might be; ie: the fishing club. That fishing club shouldn't be allowed to become an impediment in the recovery in your marriage.

If there is any chance they will meet there, it should be avoided at all costs. If she is this desperate to get "closure" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> don't you think she will stake him out at these meetings? And yes, he can avoid her at meetings, but that misses the point. It is just SEEING HER that prevents him from recovery. No contact really really means no contact, even by sight.

Just a side note, I can't stand people who use girly, mindless words like "closure." What in the world does that mean? [just a rhetorical rant, pay it no mind]

Hi, if you have access to his email, can't you go in and set it to block her email? It sounds like this man is trying. Maybe it is sneaky, but he is vulnerable right now. As long as he is just emailing to tell her he chooses you, and tells you when she calls, and he has no unexplained absences, he is trying. Give him a little help. Most email programs have filters or Spamblockers. Plus if he goes back in and turns it off and starts getting her emails and answering them again, you know he is still having the A. Also keep a close eye on the usage in his cell phone minutes.

While I fully understand and appreciate his intentions, it’s my humble opinion that in a short period of time he needs to be outed. Recovery is a team venture and he’s not playing as a team, he’s doing his own thing and making his own rules. Under the basic concepts there are 6 love busters, this action busts totally in at least 4 of those and is on the cusp of another.

And now, you’re having to run around and police what he’s doing. Which means, that we’ve got two people working in separate directions and no team working on recovery. Where is the “Radical Honesty”? Where is the “Safe” place to begin recovery?

Heck and ask which he thinks hurts you more knowing that she is out there or him sneaking around?

Michele,

I guess I don't see the reason for waiting and laying low...is it so you can catch him in contact with her??...and then what? There is already the contact, correct?

I would tell him you have seen the emails. (this is contact!!! they are corrosponding!!!) And then BLOCK HER EMAIL!! This is very easily done, (hopefully tiredofBS can tell you how).

She can call and call, but if the phone is not answered and the emails are blocked then there is no response from your H. After a week of no response, like a plant without water, the harassment should cease.

Unless she then comes over to the house to confront. Then you knock her out! Kidding of course......(?)

k

Losthusband,

I see your point, and agree this certainly is not an approved method of communications. At the same time, it has to be a good feeling for Michele to also see H's emails to OW are in fact reassuring working in the same direction "please leave us alone". I am sure it must also make her feel good knowing he has no idea she can see the emails, and is still focused on ending this. Just me speaking, and I am certainly no expert.

Well it's been almost 3 weeks and he hadn't talked to her in any fashion. But she kept trying to contact him. I think he is emailing her to get her to stop trying to contact him. And I know that this is contact, and it puts us back further especially since it's behind my back. But I feel as long as the emails are about him keeping his ground and telling her to stop I can hold off for a few more days. See she didn't believe he meant it. She knew that I was seeing all his emails in other accounts so she stopped emailing there. But she kept calling. She thinks that I'm this hard nosed woman and he is being bullied. She doesn't believe he wants it finished. This was her way of getting him to talk to her and having him do it honestly with her. Only when she sees he means it, will she stop. That should be soon. I'm going to wait.

It is time to tell FWH about the email account. Yes it is your source, but it is dishonest to keep this info from him. Talk with him and be a united front about what to do with the OW. Let H know you can email her too, or he can let her know in the next email that his W is reading all these. You can also let him know she is being manipulative and the names she is calling him are designed to keep him engaged. She is purposely antagonizing him to keep him defending himself.

Let him know ANY contact with OW is still ongoing contact. Tell him to delete her emails before reading them. Block her emails. Cancel the email account. Set up a message that will say why he is blocking her emails (they are harrassing).

You can call the police anonymously and ask their advice about what to do...

Michele, I have been thinking of you and wondering how things were going. Sorry to hear about this continued contact. Seems you are continuing to keep a cool head which must not be easy at all.

Do you mind me asking how you discovered this secret email account? What sort of an account is it? I am wondering how much duplicity it took your H to set it up? I am also thinking what if you block emails and he ends up setting up another secret email? Only next time he is more careful and sneaky and you don't discover it?

Just some thoughts as I wish you all the best.

Michele,

This is now a CRITICAL time for the both of you. Need to get back on the radical honesty for BOTH of you.

Reason:

1. You are not being on homest with this new info.
2. He is not being honest with his communication.

Where are you not being honest? When you said he has not had contact for 3 weeks, in reality he has had contact. Any form of communication is contact and with an A even his thoughts could betray him. An xWs who dwells on the A relationship and gives any thought in their mind is still having an EA at the very very least. However, when e-mails hit, they are just as dangerous as phone calls.

You & your H are now dealing with a psycho OW. Becareful. She already believes her needs supercedes yours and eventually will supercede his. This will then put both of you in jeporady if she wants to make up stories.

I will tell you that in our case the OW was nuts enough to trump up false RO charges and this almost 50 year old witch from hell lied to the judge and since he was a subustitute judge, did not have time to read the entire case, he granted the RO but he did know she was not telling the entire truth because he told her that the RO was being granted so BOTH stay away from each other. So in reality, granting the RO was a protection for us.

Expect the OW to get more bold in her attempts to get back what she 'thinks' is hers (the WS). In my case the OW even accused the Xws of committing 'emotional adultery' against her when he choose his family over her. That statement I heard on a recorded voicemail. LOL!!! I laugh about that one to this day.

L.
JMHO,
L.

Hey, I'm pretty new to this forum, but not new to the reality of infidelity. I am a FWS, 2 1/2 years past confessing my infidelity to my wife.

My 1/2 cent: Be TOTALLY transparent, and let your husband know you expect nothing less from him.

Yes, he's probably trying to "end this" on his own. However, he's not really being successful. And that keeps him from really moving on. And who knows...maybe he somehow knows you're checking on him, and is using that email account to trick you...no telling. You must be asking yourself why in the world he would want to keep this information secret from you. It's just wrong! It's extending his betrayal. He's still in the "fog" and as long as he stays there, by choice or by your allowing this to continue, then nothing he does or says can really be trusted.

Your husband needs to quit being polite to this woman. He needs to get as rude as it takes to get the message sent to her that he is not available, he's working on his marriage, and he does not want any contact from her, period.

He can't turn his full attention to reconciliation as long as the OW is anywhere in "the picture".

Kaj,
I have spyware on the computer. He used my computer while I was gone for 2 days. Normally he uses his laptop at work. So the spyware picked up the email and the keystrokes so I could log on and check. I don't know how long he has had this email account. And for that matter I don't know how long he has been having contact.

He said he was trying not to be mean to her, but he needs to now. She is bold. Telling him she'll see him in the community and asked if he is afraid to see her or talk to her. She asked "what danger is there?" I'm waiting for his response. This could be the straw. His next response should be enough is enough. If not, I'm doing it tonight. She's making me mad. I can't even tell you what I'd like to do at this point. If he is still in the fog, he won't be able to see all this manipulation. It's so clear to anyone that would read it what she is trying to do.

Orchid,
As far as me not being honest, you're probably right. I guess I need to see that what he has expressed to me as far as being committed to us is where he is. He won't tell me any bad stuff, even if it's there. He even went out and bought me a 2005 TBird last week to show me his committment. I want to hold on just a little longer to see if he can do it on his own. He spends alot of time away from me and I will never be able to trust him if he can't show me where he is going to be (when he doesn't know I'm watching). I know you all don't agree with that, and if I have to start back at day 1 I will. I need to see what he really feels.

Hi Michelle,

Sorry for the setback, but not srprised.

This happens a lot.

But...watch out. Be vigilant.

This is very similar to what happened to me.

I have to say I am firmly in the camp withthosewho say not to tell H about your keylogger, access to the cell/e-mail.

This is your only view into your H's behavior.

He is too vulnerable right now. He could get defensive 7 change the PWs, the e-mail acct.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Healing,
At this point I agree

If you do want to know about H e-mailing XOW, you could say something like:

"You seem different."

" I am getting a bad feeling."

" Call it woman's intuition, but from the way you're acting I would swear you've been in contact with OW. Did you? Did you contact her? In any way?

If he lies, you know you have more of a problem. If he comes clean, you can work on it together.

I agree he may be trying to protect you, to make it all go away. It's not going to work unless he shares it with you.

Praying for you...

Why set your husband up for failure and yourself for dissapointment? Be direct. Be honest and transparent. Why be secretive towards him and expect him to do anything different in return???

I, personally, wouldn't choose to entrap him like that. I believe in a more open, honest, and direct approach. Just lay it out and you don't have to reveal how you know. All you have to say is "I know you're in contact with OW and for us to work on our recovery that has to stop RIGHT NOW. What can you do to ensure that there will be no more contact? And since I know that you have been in contact with her this is what I want to feel safe 1. cell phone acces, 2. all e-mail access...etc..." Don't mention keylogger access to his lap top because then he definately will put 2 & 2 together and know how you know.

If he demands to know where you got your information, simply tell him that you will be happy to provide that when you feel safe that there is NO CONTACT.

Michelle,

Just ask you H if he is in contact with her....quickly. She is obviously tring hard to tempt, coax and lure him back to her. Don't sit back and watch him do this, freakin' stop him. You know he is about too (maybe) do something wrong, you're knowingly gonna let him and then be pissed at him. He'll feel bad, you'll feel bad and OW will have one a battle.

Just my $.02

God Bless,

Doug

I will only point out that I WAS transparent in exactly this situation. E-mail C had resumed, it was spinning into an EA. When I confronted - honestly - that I had read e-mails, my H reacted by changing his PW that night.

Michelle's H is NOT trustworthy yet. He is still Foggy.

She needs this lifeline, the keylogger, the e-mail passwords, to know what's going on.

Boy, this one is tough. I see all of your points.

healing,

I don't think she should reveal where the info came from, like you said she needs that.

It seems obvious that he wants to do the right thing, asking him about contact might be enough to stop what is happening.

God Bless

Doug