I've been divorce since May, seperated since Feb. of 2004. I cannot seem to beat this ongoing depression that losing my marriage has caused. I also lost custody of my children, not because I am or ever was a bad mom, just was a poor mom.

Is this normal? I can't afford counseling, it seems like me and my ex husband lost all friends during the break up. My family is extremely unsupportive and critisize me for "Not getting over it.". The hard part is, is my mother never lost her children, and I am having a hard time connecting to any mother who has gone through this herself without for some twisted reasoning didn't want the children. I did fight I just lost.

Any insight would be appreciated thank you.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. I think it would be very difficult for any mother to lose her children. No wonder you are so depressed.

Sounds like there are problems with your family too. And I don't think these problems just came up recently. They should be supporting you and realizing what pain you are in.

What caused all of the marriage problems to begin with?

Infidelity is one word. To say that was the problems in the marriage would not be precise. Married 14 yrs, 3 children, and many years of a one sided marriage. 2 yrs married, he left me for 4 mo. 3 yrs married he left me again for 3 mo. Leaving the kids and I multiple times to run away for 8-24 hrs to just read, not answer his phone, and then come back home when he felt like it. Married 12 yrs. he left me for 1 week. My oldest 2 still remember getting up in the middle of the night to "look for daddy again." Infidelity ended up being the breaking point. I finally gave him an excuse that he could leave me for good and feel guilt free. I did want to work our marriage out, I honestly never meant to hurt him. The strangest thing that he had said to me recently is no matter if this happened or not, we still would have gotten a divorce. Followed with, you would have been closer to family and the divorce, custody would have been easier for you. I had no family in the state we were divorced in, we were close to his family. He just didn't want to be married to me.

I'm struggling with the feeling that he just threw me away. Oh thanks for the kids, bye. I ultimately screwed up big time, but throughout our marriage fought so hard to keep the pieces together. I still love him, and needed to feel like 14 yrs of my life with him meant more than a goodbye, and throwing me into the streets.

If I can't have him, by the Grace of God I want my kids back someday. I can live without any man, but I can't live without my children.

There is typically free counseling available. Our town has a women's crisis center and I suggest you try to find one in your area. You have alot to process and need to get strong so that you can be a mother to your children.
Even without money, you can take steps.
You can also go to the library and get out self=help books and read these. You can use the library's computer's to email and stay in touch with your kids.
Take control of your life and what you can do to help yourself.

The first thing you have to work on is yourself. You can join a women's support group. You must get much stronger.

Does your husband have a girlfriend?