Brat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Heh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Right now my only therapy is here. I suggested it and we have talked briefly about it, that why I want to know when you should discuss your marriage plan.

I feel like I’m at a cross road in my marriage one that if I take the correct path we have a great life, but if I take the wrong path we crash. I really want to make the right decisions, that’s why I’m writing to all of you.

Thank you all!

HL, It does seem to me from your last post that you are walking on eggshells, trying to put Humpty-Dumpty together again, taking on all the responsibility for recovery.

You are doing all the research, outlining the relevant chapters from SAA for discussion, ignoring the one big obvious question.

SHE should be the one wondering if she can earn your trust, if she can put it all back together again. She's the one that broke the deal -- she's the one that has to live with the terms you set -- for example, 100 percent accountability, no contact with OM, and the attendant loss of normal privacy.

I don't understand why, if she wants the marriage, she is dictating the terms for your recovery. I don't see any real remorse here. It does seem like you are spinning your wheels, trying to get the car out of the ditch, and she's in the passenger seat, telling you what you are doing wrong. Am I totally off base? I could be...

She is the one that rebelled against your marriage -- now you are insisting that she lay down her weapons before you begin to negotiate.

A.M.Martin, You are partly correct; I’m the one doing the research because I’m the one that feels that we have issues and things that need fixing. On the other hand my wife is expecting me to make the decisions and she’ll live by them. I just don’t want to make decisions that make matters worse and push her away. She had told me she doesn’t deserve me or the compassion and respect I have treated her. She has told me she’s the one that didn’t use her f***ing head and now has to live with it and pay the price. She broke down stating she was sorry and never wanted to hurt me.

To me I’m in a catch 22, dammed at what ever I do. She listens to what ever I feel I need to say. Which helps me but hurts her, I want closure but I’m not sure how to find it?

I was going to give her a letter that describes my feeling but I have been told that the letter is more hurtful than helpful. Actually I agree, she doesn’t need to be reminded every day that she’s a failure, she knows she lied, cheated and betrayed me. Funny thing is she’s a very good woman this whole thing is just out of her character. She has spent the last 25 years being a wonderful wife and mother. Does this incident mean she can never be forgiven, hell no I already for gave her. I think the main problem I have is forgiving my self for creating the environment that allowed it to foster, not being there for her before she turned to someone else.

I’m just looking to find the path to the future one that’s bright and she is still the love of my life. But that statement also causes me conflict, something that I fight with everyday. I know I must let go, but things popup in my mind and I’m right back where I stated from questioning everything and not having any answers?

If any other FS can tell me how they brought closure onto their life and found away to move on and past the hurt, I would like to know what they did?

Why does everyone think spying is good?

HLR, you should spy your [censored] off until she has regained your trust. Never trust an untrustworthy person. Verify everything.

Thanks ML,

It would be just to hard on me and would make me feel very low.

HLR, instead of feeling low about it, feel good that you are taking steps to protect yourself. There is no virtue in sitting by idly while someone destroys you behind your back. The real shame here is that you were put in this position in the first place, and that shame is on your W's head, not yours.

HLR,

If you are serious about checking on your wife's phone records, you can get a private eye to do it. It's expensive and you won't be able to take the records home with you. It's a read only deal. You tell them what number you are looking for and they pull the cell phone records up and check to see if the number is on the record. You can even see what the OM has been up to, by checking his cell number out. Actually that might be safer than checking into a company cell.

I did and like many BS's I showed my hand too soon. I had people screaming that I broke the law and all kinds of other stuff. I simply said, I didn't do anything, which was true. I probably should have waited and gathered more information.

HLR

I monitored our phone for about 2 weeks and confirmed in one day that my W was having an affair. I heard my W tell a friend who was confiding in my W about her own affair (a total coincidence). Talk about the blind leading the blind. This allowed me to expose the affair to our pastor, gain a confession from OM and force him to tell his own wife (or I would). We are in recovery since 12-04 but I had to recently tell my W that I did monitor her. This was in direct response to a question she asked me in MC. I had lied about it up to that point. Needless to say, she was pis*ed.

I feel awful about the monitoring and my lies about what I did. But, that being said, I would do it again and have told my W that. Affairs are based on lies and in our case uncovering and ending the affair created more lies. I have apologized to her for doing it and have told her I wish it never happened. I just do not feel guilty and never will. This was not caused by me, but was a desperate action caused by my wife's affair and her 12 months of lying. It also worked.

I would not recommend this to anyone. I can only tell you my story.

Maduro

Catching someone in an act of wrongdoing is not wrong. The police, FBI, CIA do this all the time in order to protect our citizens. What they are doing is not "shameful" or wrong, it is good.

It is not a shameful act to spy on someone who is harming another in order to protect oneself. It is shameful, on the other hand, to lie and cheat on one's spouse. The shame should fall on the person whose behavior was so destructive that it warranted such action.

Thanks, Your comments make it a little easier to live with myself.