Hey all...I am struggling with the whole post-divorce relationship thing as I feel like a legitimate man I have met is scared about getting involved with me and even stated, "I really want to get to know you better BUT I think you have too much [censored] going on with your divorce." He also stated his concerns about me being "on the rebound", which is NOT AT ALL my style. Now, I'll be the first to admit that our first night together was great but had some faults in that it was very emotional time for me seeing that this night happened to be the 1-year anniversary of d-day...perhaps he sensed this as I know true emotions cannot be hidden. Furthermore, I wasn't exactly prepared for the level of intimacy that we both engaged in...was excited about it BUT I had never been so physically impulsive in my life (even with ex WH) so there was some definite feelings of guilt which I have a feeling he sensed too. Perhaps his vantage point is legit...perhaps I do have too much [censored] going on with my divorce BUT I am at a point that I don't even desire my ex WH and am very intrigued about the connection we both felt that night and the very obvious commonalities that exist between the two of us. Anyways... I provide a little more hx below...would love your thoughts to help my ignorant dating mind!!!

We have had minimal contact since that night together. However, the other day, we happened to both be at a race only he was accompanied by another woman. They didn't seem to be intimate at all (and BTW,from what I gathered when I met him, he is not shy about PDA). He did introduce the two of us when I said hi but there was a definite awkwardness in the air. I just played it cool and went on with my own business after briefly talking to the two of them. During the post race festivities, I noticed on a few occasions that he was watching me. Of course, I was checkin him out from the corner of my eyes too...couldn't help it. When there is sexual energy, is it always this weird?

To make matters worse, he just happened to pop up on my Match.com matches...had no idea he was on this but I suppose when you are overseas at war, it serves as a mechanism to interact with others??? Our profiles are freakishly similar. And to further complicate things, we have the same friends too. We hadn't previously met yet since he was active duty Navy (at war) and I was living the married life in years past.

I know it is healthy to have these crushes but I am frustrated that he has all this hesitation secondary to the divorcee stigma now placed on me. Anyways, I need some help. This weekend, we both are attending a big party for a local runner. We both are bringing dates other than each other. My date is merely a friend. I know he is not serious with anyone either...most likely is bringing a match.com gal. Per the usual, I will get out of my typical athletic attire and get dressed up. Last time I was dressed up at a party with him though, he ended up grazing towards me, we talked the night away, discovered a multi-faceted connection which lead to an intimate night/morning together. Anyways, I feel like a lil school girl because I am all excited to see him at the party this weekend but am not sure exactly how I should react based on these past couple months. I know he is resisting me because of my divorce situation but there is a definite connection that exists and my emotions are lightyears beyond where they were a couple months ago. It is true when they say time heals! I may get some help from all the party goers as the whispers in the air have been pointing to an "us" that doesn't even exist. Any input or feedback...how should I handle the party this weekend? I plan on just saying hi, introducing my date to him, and interacting with all the other party goers as I normally would, letting him make a move if he so chooses.

Thanks for any input you can provide for a very ignorant post divorce dating mind....Muels

Have you test driven the "new" MB board

after divorce: dating and relationships

Seems like a fine bunch with ~experience~ where it counts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe I am just older than old, but he told you that he really wanted to get to know you but you had too much going on with your divorce yet you had sex with this man? What about this was a good idea to you?

If he were really interested in you he would not have given you this line, would not be on match.com and would not have a date at another function. He got the milk for free.

It seems sex has become a "how do you do" instead of an act that comes from a committed, loving relationship. That's sad.

He's smart to have doubts. It's nothing personal. For the first year or two after a divorce, we're all a little effed up, and it's wise to go slowly.

Here's how I see it, for me. For the next year or so, I'll experience, at times, suffering brought on by my WW's infidelity and rejection. I've been separated from my WW for over a year. I'm not in a bad place. But I'm going to be grieving for a while yet, and my guess is, so are you. Even if it's not crippling, it's still there.

Long as that's true, if somebody is halfway nice to me, indicates that she thinks I'm interesting or attractive, I'm almost certain to get a little carried away with my response.

That's all a rebound is. And you would be very unusual if you weren't vulnerable to them for a while.

It isn't a question of whether it's your style, I don't reckon.

GC

This is not about the stigma associated with being divorced. It's about your readiness to begin dating anyone.

Please read your signature line. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues about your STBX. You seemed to associate "availability" with your ability to become sexually aroused. The latter is not in question. What is in question is whether you have ended one thing before you have started another.

Is your D final? Whether or not you want to hop into bed with your STBX, it sounds like there is a lot of complex, emotional subtext going on here.

You are only 28. You don't want to make another mistake. You have plenty of time. This sounds very much like a rebound, with all the justifications that usually implies.

No, he didn't know the logistics of my divorce until after we were intimate. I agree with GC...I respect his doubts as I do think he had legit concerns about getting involved with me...1) I still, on occasion, have emotional outbursts not associated with wanting WH back but associated with the dissolution of my marriage and 2) he is a Navy Seal who is being shipped off to sea in a few weeks and really cannot afford to get emotionally attached to someone he fears may use him as a rebound.

The divorce will be finalized as soon as my WH signs settlement papers. I have emotionally moved on from "him" although I still, at times, grieve about the dissolution of my marriage. I do not seek a "rebound" nor have I ever. If I truly make a connection with a man, it is something that I desire to pursue. I have only been involved (sexually speaking) with WH so I have never been one to be physically intimate with just anyone I happen to have a nice conversation with and/or be physically attracted to. I have been asked out and been on several dates where nothing romantic has happened cuz I didn't feel a spark/connection. With this guy, it was different...actually similar to how I felt when I first met WH sooooooo, I moved forward. I do think I was a bit too impulsive...would, like GC suggested, have rather seen things progress a bit slower. I cannot change what happened and I honestly don't regret what happened....I have chosen to learn from this experience and move forward with my life. I am, however, interested in this man but am wondering how to ease his legitimate concerns so if a relationship is in the making, we can move forward in an appropriate manner.

I suppose I need to change my signature line...I now am 29 years old as I just had a b-day and am no longer interested in rekindling anything with WH...rather want this divorce finalized so I can truly move forward with my life, especially with respect to future relationships I choose to begin.

kjb..my point being that the sexual act was treated as if it were a "hello." You had sex with him and he didn't know about the most devastating event that has occurred to you? Do you not see how destructive this is? I agree with AMMartin, you have issues that need to be addressed before you begin a relationship with anyone. Don't try to rationalize this man's actions. He used you.

kjb,
Never posted to you but here goes. You seem levelheaded. Intelligent and such. There is a stigma with divorce. sometimes small. Sometimes not. Depends on your proximity to it with respect to time and the perceptions of the person you are dating.

That said, this new fellow is a Navy Seal, so he will be quite busy in the operational department. Not that I mean to run you off, because I am a military man as well, but you should know the truth and factor it in. If he is a good man, then great.

My most important piece of advice is this. Use your mind and not your heart for a little while. Sure, you can have romantic feelings for someone. Nothing wrong with that.

But after a divorce, one needs to really, really use their head to make sure they are on the level with themselves. Shortly after a divorce, people are more susceptable to 'bad' relationships because really all they are after is the 'good' feelings they used to have with the ex. Trying to rekindle some sort of self-esteem.

Your best protection would be stay out of relationships for a while. But that is akin to saying the best way to avoid pregnancy is to abstain. It looks good on paper, but in the real world, it doesn't always cut it.

But, in the event you choose to engage in the relationship game again, be mindful of the statistics against you and be smart. Kinda like if your going to engage in sex anyway(using my analogy) then use a condom. Be smart. Pay attention to your feelings and the decisions that they make 'ok' for you now.

That is all I have really. Just be smart and you can walk a minefield. Be dumb, and everyone blows themself up.

Which is probably why I have NEVER jumped into any form of romantic bond so quickly before BUT....

I honestly don't believe that this man fits into the disgusting sexual norms of society today. As I mentioned earlier, we share a lot of the same friends yet had never interacted due to my marriage and him being shipped off. Many of my friends, all who have known him longer than I, speak highly of his character. Navy Seals are trained to access the situation...he is nervous for the reasons I discussed above as well as the potential implications that getting involved with a "still technically married" woman may have on his career.

His parent figures here in Cali and also dear friends of mine have almost been mediating conversation between us. I know he confides in this couple and some of the messages being given to me by them definitely suggest that he has been asking about me. I really don't think there is anything I can do but wait until the divorce is finalized and he gets back after being shipped off; perhaps, timing will be better or at least a more stable ground will be present to develop a relationship whether it be solely friendship or romantic. Even so, this weekend's party should be interesting.

Yes, this is the way rebounds work. Nobody "decides" to have a rebound. It feels real. It feels like true love. It feels like soul mates.

It's only when you are out of it that you see that you picked the same man again -- or the opposite. But certainly not a choice that might reflect your newfound maturity and the experiences you have been through.

It takes time to digest what you have been through, to grow and change. Believe me, you are young.



As I say, you are confusing sexual availability with emotional availability. The "sparks" and "connections" you are talking about are sexual attraction.

Despite your protestations, I don't think your marriage is over. Not until the ink is dry. And then you will finish up old business. I think your eagerness to move on is not that you have digested this experience, but rather a healthy rejection of pain. That's what a rebound is about. But one unfortunate thing about rebounds is that they are likely to give you a second wound while you are still recovering from the first -- because you are reacting to stimuli, not choosing from a reflective and intelligent place.

I wouldn't pursue this one, and chalk it up to experience. As the cliche goes, "He's just not into you." A man who's into you isn't on matches.com and escorting other women around. This sounds like bad news -- bad news whether it's next week, or whether you "ease his legitimate concerns" and string this out for a year or two.

You are young. Give yourself time.

Thanks Patriot Man....he did mention that he had a lot of things going on with work (he is a sniper) and is soon being shipped off again for an indefinite amount of time. While I have worked with many military men here in San Diego (I am a nutritionist), I have never dated one before. One thing I respect in a man is "passion" and this SEAL definitely has a passion for what he does. He is also confident about who he is, something my WH lacked. I do think he is a good man who is attracted to me on a physical and intellectual level and thus our impulsive romantic night together BUT in accessing the situation, has had legit concerns about getting involved and thus backed off. I respect this although am still intrigued by both the immense amount of commonalities we share with respect to upbringing, hobbies, music, friends, etc and the rare physical/intellectual connection we had and I personally think is essential for a relationship to go anywhere. Perhaps when he gets back, I will have had more time to "think", heal from my WH's infidelity/rejection as well as the dissolution of my marriage, and we'll be in a better spot to pursue a relationship whether it be purely as friends or on a romantic level too.