I have been married 13 years and have 3 kids by her, my wife wanted a seperation about a year ago and started seeing a guy while we were seperated... About a 2 months ago we got back together and was doing great and was trying hard to put our marriage back together "but" she found out she was pregnant and she say's its his kid, cause she is 3 1/2 months along and she was with him at the time, I'm fixed.....

Well I was still wanting to work on our marriage but we got into a big fight 3 weeks ago Sat. she left the house went to her moms and started seeing him again... I have to see her every day because of the kids, she came up to me yesturday and say's she broke up with this other guy again and she wants to try again... I don't know what to do...

She has been running back and fourth between me and this other guy, she will stay with him for a month or two then come to me for bout month I know I sound like a chump but we've been together so long, Just trying to hang on and make it work...

Are you prepared to accept this child?

I dont think your a chump. I think you want your family to stay in tact.

Will she seek conseling.

You may want to consider the truism 'that which is freely given is never valued as that which takes great effort to attain'. She has a blow out with you, leaves you, returns with the OM, has a blow out with the OM, leaves him, returns with you and so on and so on. Look if she wants to come back to you, make her PROVE IT BY EARN IT otherwise the vicious cycle will never be broken.

TMCM

Hey rmoser:

If you're still around, I'll be happy to try to help you get your hands around a recovery plan. I had a similar situation happen to me several years ago---wife had an affair (we had two kids), became pregnant. We made it through this, and that child will be 7 soon.

My best bit of advice would be for you to call the MB counseling center (888-639-1639) and make an appointment with Steve or Jenn Harley. They'll be much better equipped to handle your situation than anyone else on these boards. But---if you can't swing it, I have done counseling with Steve and would be happy to try to sort through this with you.

Post a response here---if you want help I'll have a ton of questions for you to answer regarding your marriage and the status of the affair.

I would really appreciate that K...

OK:

You've been separated for about a year? What was the separation over? Who has physical custody of the kids? Have you filed a legal separation agreement? What was the state of the marriage prior to the separation? Do you feel the affair was the cause for separation, or did this happen afterwards? Have the two of you worked on your marriage at all since separation? Any joint counseling? If not, have you worked on your side of the marriage, and if so, for how long? Is one of you in your "home", and if so, who? How old are your kids? Do they know about the affair? Is the OM married? Children? Does he know about the pregnancy?

How familiar are you with MarriageBuilder's terminology and concepts? If you're not---start reading. Do you have the book "Surviving an Affair"? Have you done Plan A?

Basically, these questions are trying to frame where the marriage was, where it is now, what issues you bring to the table, and the overall landscape. From there, we can try to set some goals and illuminate some paths that you can think about taking to try to restore the marriage. The more information you provide, the better we'll be able to help.

And I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fun...

Thanks K

The seperation was in her mind over me not being sensitive to her needs and being controlling and it just seems to me that the love we had just wasn't there anymore, she has left in the past for a week or so to her moms house and then we would work on things and she would come back...

I caught her in a chat roo about 2 years ago showing herself to another man on web cam, he is from a differn't state than we are.... About a week after are seperation I moved out and got my own place, and 2 weeks after that she stared seeing this OM which she has known for a couple of months through her sister, she says he is fun to be with and a very nice man and I have also heard the same from other people, this is a close nit community so I hear alot from many people and everyone I hear from say that she chased him down and he told he in the past he wouldn't go out with her unless she was divorced...

I have physical temporary custody of our 3 kids, we have filed for legal seperation but that was after they were living together... I feel the seperation was acombination of the things she didn't like of me and the attention he was showing her.. The affair happend after we were seperated...

We have tried to work on the marriage and we get along fine but when things go wrong or we have an argument she runs back to him and he takes her back, this has happend at least 5 times, no counsleling, she dosn't want it...
I have been a better person to her and treat her the best I can but it seems never enough, I live in my own place now and she is now staying with her mom, she has broke it off with the OM again (week ago) and says she wants to try again..(6th time)...The kids know about the affair they are 10-7-5 boy-girl-boy they have stayed with mom and OM in his placeback and fourth for 11 months....

The OM is is divorced and has 2 girls 13 and 8 and has been divorced for 3 years, wife and ather friends say he divorced his wife that his wife loved him with all her heart, and he wanted out cause he didn't love her..I did alot of research on this man cause I wnated to know who my kids were around.. The Om knows about the pregnancy and say's he will be there for the baby and he will be in it's life... I hear he is a good father to his other children but I don't know if I want him around or really what I want... This stuff is reall hard for me to write especially the good points about him but I feel it nessicary to indulge all the facts about everything... I didn't want to be seperated and wanted for her to still be my wife but know I don't know what to do or think....

Rmoser:

She wants to try again (6th time). Have the two of you discussed what needs to happen to make this successful???

1. No contact with OM (at all).
2. Complete honesty between the two of you (good and bad---no lovebusting)
3. Use of the Policy of Joint Agreement to make all decisions.
4. Willingness to plan and work on eliminating lovebusters.
5. Willingness to plan and work on meeting each other's emotional needs.

All this is designed around rebuilding love for each other. Now---affairs are very similar (biochemically) to chemical substance addiction. Your wife is behaving like a cocaine addict with regards to OM---when she's not high, she realizes the damage that she is doing to her life (and the kids and the marriage), and she wants to make it better. But when things get tough, the allure of the affair is too hard for her to resist and she goes back for a fix.

You really should have professional help to work through this---and that's why I would recommend the Harley's (again). If not, the two of you should sit down and discuss the list above---and see if you both can agree to no contact with the OM, as well as complete honesty (including slip-ups), and a willingness to learn and apply the Policy of Joint Agreement. If you both can agree to these simple marriage-protection policies---then try to agree on counseling. You're really not in a DIY situation.

If she is unwilling to do this, then I think your best chance is with a Plan B separation (Plan A and B are part of the "Surviving an Affair" protocol, and you should buy this book). This separation would entail that you write your wife a letter (and send a copy to the OM) stating your love for your wife and a desire to work on the marriage---but that for now you can have no contact with her until she ends the affair for good.

You're in good shape in several ways. You have custody of your kids---and in the event of a divorce, you would probably be given primary physical custody of them, should you fight for it (what your wife has done would be considered "abandonment" by the courts). This will be a motivating factor for your wife with regards to reconciliation (you should never bring it up as a threat, however). You also seem to have worked on the marriage. When you "fight" and she runs home (or to OM)---what are the fights about? If you can eliminate these, you will give her less excuses to run back to her addiction (although addicts need very little in the way of "excuses").

rmoser--

Just checking to see if you are still around...how are thinks going?