Hi -

I'm not quite sure how to behave......WH has been feeling ill for two days in a row(about OW's "situation"). He felt a bit better today.

Here's what WH is telling me:
Yesterday WH called our counselor & had a long conversation about OW's situation. She told him he could call & report to the proper agency that would offer protection for OW's children from OW's H. That would most likely mean the kids would be taken away.

WH said that OW's H has her under "house arrest". She is only allowed to go to work & come back & is not allowed to talk to family at all. OW is considering quitting her job.

I asked WH how he knew all of this. He said that it is through a friend ---- He said OW is "pissed off" at him and won't talk to him. Anyway, he won't contact her now.

Appears that there is NC, but not at my WH's doing. Apparently OW's H is doing a good job of enforcing NC. I guess I'll take what I can get. But, this doesn't stop WH from thinking about her & how he can help her. He has been searching on the Internet today & I see that there are numerous sites he has looked at for family violence/domestic abuse. If OW is truly in an abusive situation, maybe he should have found this info to begin with instead of engaging himself in an A.

Oh, and get this. Today he said that it really wasn't an A!!!!! That it was more of a "needing somebody to talk to situation". But it got complicated b/c they developed strong feelings for each other. Has he lost his mind?? So what if there was no SF. It was still an A and he was going to leave me for her. I calmly & clearly pointed out to him that it was definitely an A.

A good chunk of the conversation is him feeding me info about OW and how much trouble she is in. What do I do?? Be his "friend" and let him talk about it as much as he wants. He keeps telling me that he is "giving me too much information." I don't know how to respond to him continuing to tell me how scared he is & that he feels like he is going to be attending a funeral soon.

I have been letting him just talk about it & have not responded in a "judgemental" way or by attacking OW, etc. Deep down I want to let him know that he is completely missing the issue that our marriage is at stake here & maybe he should put some time and energy into US. I know better than to expect that right now though.

Tomorrow we have a counseling session. I feel like a good part of the session might revolve around OW's "situation." I don't want that to happen. It needs to be about how to remedy our Marriage. How do I keep the focus on WH & I?

WH is on his 3rd night of sleeping in the other Bedroom. I have been upbeat around him and have been trying to "be there" for him as much as I can.

Is there anything else I should be doing at this point???

I have waited to try & contact OW's brother & family as I wanted to evaluate how things were going. According to WH, OW's H has turned her family against her so I'm unsure if it would do any good to call them.

BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT I DON'T TRUST EVERYTHING THAT WH IS TELLING ME. I QUESTION EVEN THE FACT THAT HE AND OW AREN'T TALKING.

Thanks!!

Kim
D-Day, May 14th
DS, age 5
Married 13 years

I suspect your H is extremely gullible and has bought this story hook, line and sinker. The OW has dumped his [censored] and used her H's "abuse" as an excuse. Call the brother and the father and get the true story, Kim, to see if you can put it to rest.

Are you still in touch with the OWH so you can compare notes and ensure the end of the affair?

In the meantime, just do your best to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters. He will start to withdraw frm the OW and as he withdraws he will draw to you. I would also draw some boundaries here and put a stop to his openly mourning her in front of you. Tell him how hurtful and disrespectful that is.

I hope the counselor isn't a dud, because some MC are NOT promarriage and actually cause more harm than good. If she starts talking about seperation, etc, run for your life.

Oh Kim, please. Do you really believe this CRAP? Do you really think that the OW's family has been turned against her? This is getting more and more crazy.

Your husband is getting snared in OW's trap, and that is all it is.

IF she is being abused, and I doubt it very much, she can get professional help. You and your husband cannot help her.

I say go to the marriage counselor, but right now there are 3 people in your marriage. Let the counselor know that. Also ask the counselor for some help with boundaries. It is definately not your place to worry about the woman who is trying to take your husband away.

Thanks ML! That helps me a lot. I have been letting him go on about OW for fear of missing out on information that I might need to know.(I feel like it might clue me in on whether they have been in touch) I will let him know that I am "sorry he is hurting" but I don't reallly want to hear about OW anymore, that it is hurtful and disrespectful.

I don't have anything to loose by contacting the brother & father and can gain the knowledge that I need. OW is already ticked off at WH for calling her brother. My calling too would push them farther apart. I do want to make sure I am doing this in a MB way and not in a vindictive manner though. I need to be sure that I have the right attitude. I cannot deny having some "vindictive" thoughts the past couple of days. I will see how the conversation goes with them and then determine whether or not to contact OWH again.

I will see how it goes tomorrow w/the Counselor. My eyes are wide open.

So, I will continue on meeting his needs as allowed & no LB!! Thanks again MelodyLane!

Kim

Kim, it doesn't matter if you are vindictive, what matters is that you bust up this affair. As long as that is your goal, then don't waste your time worrying about your "motives." Just do the right thing and don't analyze it to death.

Good luck at counseling!

Believer,

I DO NOT fully believe this story, but I believe that WH does. How do I tell WH that it is a bunch of Bull though without "attacking" OW and calling her a liar.

He has "messed" up in OW's eyes and is now trying "fix" it by 1)calling her brother(which made her more mad) 2) calling the counselor for advice and 3) doing all of this research.

I keep meaning to tell him not to feel so bad for giving me OW's name. I would have found it out on my own eventually and then I would have still done what I did.

I like your suggestion - I should tell the counselor that there are 3 in my marriage right now, but there should only be 2. The last time I checked a marriage consisted of only 2. Yeah!!

Thanks!!

Kim

ML - O.k., I'll get to it. You are making me grin b/c I have never been one to over analyze things. I don't know where that trait has appeared from, but certainly has shown up in a big way with this all of this A mess. Or maybe I have always done that & just not noticed....Is that associated w/people who have a hard time making decisions??

See, there I go again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kim

Also call her father and brother and husband. I have been a battered wife. If (and that is a big if) it is true, no one can help her except a professional.

You are letting her take over your marriage. Ask the counselor about boundaries. Ask the counselor why you care more about OW's possible problem than your own marriage.

Ask the counselor what the chances are of your husband rescuing a battered woman are.

I agree, boundaries need to be set. I don't know for sure if the counseling session is going to go that way, but your responses are helping me be prepared. I will be sure that everyone is reminded why WH & I are in counseling. It is to save our marriage, not rescue OW.

Kimberly -

Sadly, you or your husband cannot rescue her. That is just the way it is. I hope she is not being abused, but if she is, neither one of you can help her.

Start with that with your counselor.

I know that I am being hard on you. It is very obvious that you are a good woman, and there is nothing wrong with that.